Quote:“FUCK Peter Principle. I never met a bigger dork in my life. He sure as hell got what he wanted, right? Double Champion James is no more. Bro was out there preaching the rules and policies then had the balls to come out to my match and grab my TV Championship. Y’all gonna tell me there wasn’t no rule surrounding that?? That goddamn dweeb got 48 hours to gimme my fuckin' Championship otherwise I will grab that man by his undies, throw it over his face, dump him into a public toilet and give bro a swirly like he will never believe. 48 hours Pete, don't fuck with me." 

"Oh God, Oh God.." 

Peter Principle is rapidly stuffing a cardboard shipping box with bubble-wrap...

He suddenly calls out to his office's exterior!

"Nadiiiiiiiiiiine!"

...A moment later, his assistant walks into his doorway.

"Yes, Mister Principle?"

"Nadine, have you see the... uh... y'know, the... um..." Principle mutters, his voice dripping with anxiety.

"The... Television Title?"

"Yes! Exactly! Nadine, where'd you put it?"

Nadine sighs. "Mister Principle, *I* didn't put it anywhere."

Principle's eyes widen with fear!

"You don't have it! Where is it?!? Nadine, so help me God if you lost it!"

"Sir!" Nadine cuts in. "Your waist."

...

Peter glances down...

He is, in fact, wearing the XWF Television title... As a belt.

...

"That'll be all, Nadine."

Honestly, Nadine headed back to her desk before Principle even looked up.

Peter carefully unclasps the belt off his waist...

Before checking his wristwatch...

"Eight hours... Still time... Still time!"

...Principle gently, oh-so-carefully sets the belt into the cardboard box.

"...Phew. There. Once I ship this, I'll be off that ill-tempered wifebeater's radar, once and f-"

"Hey, Pete."

"OH GOD, DON'T KILL ME."

Principle leaps behind his office chair...

Or, rather, *aims* to leap behind his office chair.

He ends up a foot-and-a-half short.

...He lies on the ground, eyes closed, ready to embrace death...

...

When he notices he's NOT being choked or pummeled, he narrowly opens one eye.

...

In his doorway...

Is Warfare Assistant GM...

And former color commentator!

Pip Collins!

Pip's chewing on a bag of popcorn, looking down at Pete with a mischievous smile.

"Lose a sticky note on the floor?"

...Principle scrambles back up to his feet.

...

"NO."

...

Principle reaches across his desk for duck tape... And begins closing the flaps of the box.

"Whatcha doing?"

"I..." Principle exhales, as he tapes the box shut. "...am mailing James Shark his Television title."

"So, he doesn't kill you?"

...

"Psssssssh." Peter waves off that comment. "No! It's just... uh... I... accidentally picked it up when I was leaving the ring... performing a task Mister Lane assigned me. And I didn't even realize I still had it until AFTER Mister Shark notified me that he was missing it."

"You mean, AFTER Mister Shark said he'd personally give you a swirlie."

"Pfff." Pete waves off. "No, that's just our... repartee. Boss-to-employee. Like, Hey Boss, gimme a raise or I'll give you a knuckle sandwich..."

[TALKING HEAD]
"We love to razz each other hear at the XWF. It's a great environment."

...

"Like, for example, a couple Warfares ago, a dock employee asked, hey, do you work here?"

"So, I was like Yeah, I do! You don't! Cuz you're fired!

"And then, he was like Actually, I work for the arena, you *can't* fire me."

"And then I said something..."

"That, like, really got him."

...

"It was really good."

"Ugh, I wish I could remember it."

"Cuz I definitely said something back."

...

[/TALKING HEAD]

"Man, you are a bigger man than I am." Pip chews on another kernel.

...Principle squints at the diminutive Pip.

"Are we allowed to talk about that in the office? Cuz, if so, I have a jokebook in my desk..."

Pip rolls his eyes. "I mean... Just sending Shark back his belt. Very noble of you."

"Oh yes." ...Principle nods, assuming a stance he's practiced for receiving praise. "Well. Nobility comes naturally to me..."

...

"Yon squire."

"It's impressive. Most managers would be afraid of how people would respect them after this. Not you!"

"Not me!"

...

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"Oh, I just mean... Y'know, people in the back are saying you're a pushover. You're soft. You've been soft since you've been hired."

"What? I am HARD. I am so har-... I am ROCK HARD."

Nadine walks up with a memo in her hands.

"I am ROCK HARD, I've been ROCK HARD! I'm ROCK HARD NOW!"

...Peter glances up and sees his assistant in the doorway.

...Nadine backs away.

...Peter grits his teeth.

"That's... gonna be another workplace harassment seminar."

"I mean, think about it, Pete! Nadine is starting to cop an attitude with you..."

"That timekeeper gave you all kinds of guff, clinging onto the belt, when YOU'RE his boss."

Pip knocks on the box.

"This right here? Could be the straw that breaks the camel's back."

"Full-blown mutiny."

"But, you're not afraid of that."

...

Principle blinks.

[TALKING HEAD]

"I mean, me? Afraid of a mutiny? Of course not."

...

"Apprehensive? Maybe."

"Concerned? Perhaps."

"Afraid? Possibly."

"Envious? Is one."

Sadness..."

"...Disgust?"

...

"Sorry, what was I doing? Naming the characters from Inside Out?"

"I tend to get distracted when I'm afr-... Disgust."

...

[/TALKING HEAD]

"So, you're saying I *shouldn't* give the belt back... And then everyone will respect me."

"Sometimes, the boss *has* to put his foot down and say no. I won't reward an employee threatening me."

"Right, right." Principle nods.

"But, Shark IS threatening me. With an atomic-level swirly."

...

"And... was he speaking in a British accent? Like, I've NEVER seen Shark speak in that froofy way.. Almost like someone speaking in cursive."

"Haha, oh yeah." Pip nods. "Shark is CRAZY." 

Principle nods...

"But, the secret to dealing with sharks? You gotta show 'em who's the boss! They'll back down every time."

"Really?"

"100%."

...

"Hmm."

... Principle slides the box into a desk drawer and opens up his computer.

---

Quote:Re: Shark Speaks Out
CC: All XWF Employees

Message:

Hello Mister Shark,

It's Peter Principle, your boss.

I saw your message at your post-event press conference (which I appreciate you attending, it's great for the company).

Anyway, I'm writing to inform you I intend to HOLD your title belt temporarily. Until such time that *you* apologize for your actions that made ME have to come down to the ring.

This could have been handled cordially, with you handing over either of your two belts before your championship match, but because you couldn't cooperate maturely, I was forced to march down to the ring and secure the title belt, which IS XWF property, from ringside.

Once I have received an apology from you! Preferably CC'd to all XWF employees so they see you acknowledge your error and that you respect me, I would be happy to return the belt at Snow Holds Barred.

Yours Sincerely,
Peter Principle 

XOXO

---

Peter finishes typing, before rotating his computer screen to Pip.

"There. How about that?"

Pip gives the email a skim.

...

Before nodding with a chef's kiss.

"C'est magnifique. It's a perfect email."

Peter beams proudly. And hits send.

[TALKING HEAD]

"Shark's *actually* gonna murder him."

[/TALKING HEAD]