The scene fades in to an interior view of Hel...whatever that is exactly. The fans are already at fever pitch levels antiicpating a stacked night 2 of Relentless. The camera continues to scan the crowd for a minute before settling on a fiew of the announce team HHL and Pip Collins.
HHL: Hell everyone and welcome back. Night 1 of Relentless was fantastic and really set the tone for what this Pay Per View event is all about and Night 2 is sure to follow suit with not just one but two title matches as well as Roger vs A Literal Gorilla, Mark Flynn taking on his former tag team partner and current nemeis North Korean War Criminal but first we open with a match featuring two living legends of the XWF. Eli James IV made a shocking return at the go home Warfare calling out anyone in the XWF to face him one last time and who would answer that call but Eli's long time foe and current XWF CEO Theo Pryce.
The fans erupt as the words $Money Talks$ flash on the X-Tron followed immediately by the opening notes of Linkin Park's "Points of Authority" starts playing. Theo Pryce walks out from behind the curtain. Theo slaps hands with his adoring fans and even kisses a baby's forehead or two. Why a baby is in Hel is anyone's guess but whatever. Theo ascends the ring steps and then climbs into the ring where he takes up a position in one of the far corners so he can keep his eyes on the entry way.
The lights go out. The music starts to play... the lights come on very dim with a blue haze with fog smoke everywhere. Eli makes his way to the ring smiling and taking is precious time.. he's in no hurry.
THEO PRYCE
- vs -
ELI JAMES IV 2 RPs - 2k - Xtreme Rules
Ring attendants make their way to the ring from the back with large rolls of barbed wire, pallets of C4 and a variety of weapons. They begin wrapping the ropes, setting up chairs and C4 around the ring. Inside…grateful for a few minutes to collect themselves Eli and Theo pace back and forth observing the hell they are about to go through. Thoughts of their past encounters racing through their heads. Here they stand, a look of agreement on their faces, knowing that the other will do whatever it takes to win. The bell rings and they suck up all the pain and anguish for this final moment.
PIP: "This match is finally underway,"
HEATHER: "I'm looking forward to this match, two great legends going at it, one more time. Will it be their last? And before you answer Pip, it's a rhetorical question,"
Eli and Theo run towards each other, both men tying up. Eli tries to gain an advantage with a knee to the rib, and hooks Theo's head and drops down with a Russian Leg Sweep. He lifts Theo to his feet and whips him into a corner and charges in looking for a big corner clothesline, Theo sidesteps him though and he crashes into the turnbuckle. Eli steps out of it and turns to Theo, who awaits him with some lefts and rights, backing him into the corner. Theo grabs him into a reverse face lock, dropping him with a reverse DDT . He lifts him to his feet, sending a clubbing slamming down on the back of Eli’s neck but he fights back, kicking him high up in the ribs which catches Theo off-guard and he drops to one knee. Eli snatches him by the neck and twists around, slamming him down with a hard neckbreaker before lifting him forcefully back to his feet. He sends Theo into the barbed wire ropes with an Irish whip so hard Theo flips over them as they rip into his back, shredding pieces of his flesh as he almost gets caught up on it on his way down to the mat below. Theo instinctively yells in pain, reaching to his back as the blood seeps out from the cuts ripped into his skin.
PIP: "Blood, cuts, scrapes, and guts already in the match,"
HEATHER: "These two really know how to put on a show,"
Eli is quick to follow him out, sliding carefully under the bottom barbed wire rope after his adversary. He places one hand on the ring apron and reaches down and pulls up a barbed wire baseball bat - one of the many weapons that was brought out to ringside specifically for the match. He lifts it high above his head and receives an ominous reaction from the crowd.
HEATHER: "I can't see an advantage for anyone at this moment,"
Theo is just getting back to his feet, using the ring apron to help him back up. Eli comes charging at him, bat ready to swing but right before he can get a big hit in, Theo drives a hard boot straight to the gut that forces his head down. Theo yanks the bat from Eli’s grasp and looks at it for a moment, seeing the barbed wire tracing its way around the wooden shaft like a thorny metal serpent. He then lets loose with a thunderous shot, bringing the bat hard down onto his back with a sickening thud. Eli reflexively arches his back, shooting back up to a vertical base like he’s just been burned with a hot poker. When Theo goes to pull the bat away, it sticks, the barbs hooked on Eli’s back. Theo then rips the bat with all his might which frees it but also takes flails of human flesh and clothing from Eli’s back and he shrieks in agony, his face contorted in a portrait of pain. A spray of blood spatters onto Theo as he shakes the bat free off the pieces of skin and fabric hanging from the barbs. Eli sinks to his knees, blood pouring from the various shredded open wounds in his back.
PIP: "Ouch that has to hurt, I'm stating the obvious there,"
Lost in a bloodlust-like trance, Theo waylays Eli all over his body - his back, chest, sides, legs all get an equal share of the punishment as the crowd start chanting “You sick fuck!” over and over. Theo eventually discards the bat and he pulls Eli back to his feet. He grabs him by the forearm, wrapping his hand around it tightly and whips him hard into the opposing steel steps, the silver-colored metal tainted with a crimson paint job. As Eli lays up against the steps, his face still etched in an agonizing expression, Theo charges at him, attempting a big running knee lift but somehow Eli manages to avoid the contact, rolling out of the way at the last moment as Theo runs at full speed, his knee colliding with the steps and with a sickening crunch, the momentum sending him flipping almost 360 degrees over.
HEATHER: "I have a sneaking suspiscion that Eli is starting to get on top, just a sneaky suspiscion,"
PIP: "More often than not you are mostly right, Heather,"
Eli does his best to ignore the pain he’s in as Theo tries to get back to his feet, favoring his knee. He grabs Theo around the leg, lifting him and drilling him back down with a hard kneebreaker before sending Theo crashing to the mats with a Clothesline From Hell. He goes back to the ring apron, lifting up the cloth banner with the XWF logo emblazoned across it and rummages under the ring for a moment and pulls out a kendo stick. As Theo tries to shake off the cobwebs from the massive clothesline he just took, Eli begins to hammer down with no remorse, striking the kendo stick into Theo’s ribs and his recently-injured knee. He drags Theo up, placing the kendo stick against throat and pulls back aggressively, choking him. He drags Theo back and perches himself on top of the ring apron before actually standing up, pulling Theo too, still choking him with the kendo stick, almost like a modified, twisted version of the Sabbath Nap. Theo kicks his legs, trying to fight out of it but Eli lets go, dropping his nemesis face first onto the mats on the outside. Discarding the kendo stick, Eli drops down to the ringside floor as well and lifts Theo to his feet, pulling him into a front face lock and lifts him up for a suplex but instead of slamming him back down behind him, he throws him forward, letting Theo crash onto his front. Theo clutches his stomach and ribs, clearing have had the wind knocked out him.
Eli lifts Theo to his feet again but he takes a desperation punch to the gut from Theo, still favoring his ribs slightly.. Eli retaliates with an elbow to the face but Theo responds again, this time with more vigor and the two break down to just slugging it out, peppering each other with a variety of different strikes. Eli with lefts, and Theo with lefts of his own, Theo with a kick to the gut and a fisherman’s brainbuster out of nowhere, landing Eli awkwardly on the back of his head. With renewed momentum, Theo picks Eli up and drags him towards one of the tables set up around the ring and visible on it is a small amount of C4. Theo lifts Eli up onto the table and climbs onto it himself. Theo pulls Eli to his feet but he fights back with a couple of snap-jabs that stagger Theo. Eli capitalizes and lifts Theo up, jumping back off the table and powerbombs Theo through the table which sets off the planted C4 with a small explosion! “Holy shit!” chants echo throughout the arena as Theo roars in agony, rolling around, a billow of smoke emanating from his back, his flesh charred and burnt from the explosion.
HEATHER: "Explosions now, that's not a good sign,"
Eli gets to his feet first, lifting Theo to his and hei Irish whips him hard into the apron back first. Theo grimaces as the recently-burnt skin on his back as well as the cuts from the barbed wire ropes take the brunt of the punishment. Eli walks up behind him and he goes to lift him up like a German suplex, but quickly pushes him forward and makes him land back-first into the corner of the apron. Eli tosses Theo into the ring under the ropes before reaching under the ring and he pulls out a black duffel bag. He tosses it into the ring as he rolls back in himself. Theo is slowly getting to his feet. Eli runs at him and nails him with a running big boot, catching him square in the face and sending him back down. Eli goes to the black duffel bag and loosens the draw strings. He lifts it up and dumps out hundreds of thumbtacks onto the ring canvas and an “OOOOH!” emanates collectively from the fans.
PIP: "If you thought explosions wasn't a good sign, neither are thumb tacks,"
Eli walks over and aggressively helps a rising Theo to his feet all the way. He tosses him zealously into the corner and starts laying into Theo with a series of repeated shoulder thrusts before lifting Theo up and positioning onto the top turnbuckle. Eli showcases some uncharacteristic athleticism by jumping up onto the second rope before climbing to the top one. He then grabs Theo up and perches him to a standing position on the top rope as well. The two men are balanced precariously on the top rope. Eli grabs Theo around like a bearhug, pinning his arms in place but Theo tenaciously fights back with a headbutt that forces Eli to let go. Theo jumps up athletically onto Eli’s shoulders. The two wobble on the top rope, Theo hanging off of Eli’s shoulders. Theo manages to get enough momentum to rotate fully around Eli to the point he has him in a front face lock and he leaps backwards, twisting in the air, dropping Eli down and both men crash through another one of the C4 tables on the outside of the ring with the Pryce Check as another explosion hits off! Both men are laid out, smoking billowing from the ringside area. Several referees gathered around the ringside area go to check on them and give a satisfied thumbs-up that they’re both fine, for lack of a better term.
HEATHER: "This match is rather sickening now,"
Eventually, Theo starts to stir, crawling towards the ring apron. He lifts it up, still on his knees and pulls out another bag, throwing it into the ring. He also pulls out a fold-out table, sliding it jadedly into the ring as well as a steel chair - it’s like Pulp Fiction when Bruce Willis can’t decide what weapon he likes best. Theo manages to stand up but he looks like shit. His usually-exceptionally conditioned hair is matted to his face, his back looks like a well-done steak and his body is stained with smoke. Eli is now stirring too but his head is badly busted open, blood pouring down his face like a leaky faucet. He leans against the railing pulling himself up slowly. But as he turns, all he sees are Theo's fists flying at him. Theo connects with several lefts and rights and then Irish whips Eli back into the rin and he follows him back inside. Being slightly fresher, Theo is back to his feet first and he grabs Eli by his blood-saturated hair, pulling him forcefully to his. Eli, blinded by adrenaline and instinct, throws a right hand which Theo ducks. Theo grabs Eli around the neck for a sleeper hold but then launches him back with an incredible display of strength, hitting him with a sleeper slam down onto the thumbtacks! Eli rolls about looking like a human pincushion and Theo shows his discomfort as well, unable to fully avoid the small spiked spearheads, pulling a few out of his arms.
PIP: "I feel like I'm going to pass out,"
HEATHER: "Well don't, please don't,"
As Eli paints the mat red with the blood from his face, trying to pull the tacks from his flesh, Theo sets up the table he brought into the ring and peels Eli up from the mat back to his feet, rolling him onto the table. Theo grabs the steel chair he also brought into the ring as well, tucking it under his arm and he quickly ascends the nearest corner up to the top turnbuckle. Holding the chair in his hand, Theo leaps off looking for a frog splash, putting the chair between him and Eli on the way down. However, Eli, at the last second, rolls off, sending Theo crashing through the table with the chair against his chest. More “Holy shit!” chants from the fans erupt as Theo lies in a heap of broken wood and mangled steel. Eli is back on his feet now and grabs Theo by the hair and the back of his head, pulling him up and sending him for an Irish whip into one of the corners. Eli takes a big run up, sprinting towards Theo and engulfs him with a devastating corner clothesline so hard that Theo’s legs give way from under him and he collapses down in the corner.
Eli runs off and comes back nailing Theo with a running shotgun dropkick in the corner, defying his bigger frame with a great show of aerial precision. Eli then rolls out of the ring as Theo grimaces in pain, clutching his chest from the dropkick. Eli reaches under the ring and pulls out another table, sliding it into the ring as well as a bottle of Jim Beam from under the apron. He looks at the bottle for a moment, giving it an approving nod before opening it, taking a gulp, putting the top back on rolling back into the ring. He sets up the table, moves over to the bag Theo threw into the ring and opens it. As he peers inside it, he can’t help but smile like a sadistic cheshire cat. He closes it back up and walks to a rising Theo. He swings the bag at Theo a few times who tries to block it but Eli catches him in the temple, sending him back down. Eli turns to the table and opens the bag pouring out nails all onto the table. He opens the bottle of Jim Beam from before and pours it all over the table.
PIP: "Jim Beam now, I'll have some of that,"
HEATHER: "You would Pip, you would,"
As he turns back to Theo who is getting back to his feet again, he’s taken down by a Lou Thesz press, sending him crashing back down on the thumbtacks again on the mat. However, from all the punishment he’s endured already, Eli seems to be beyond feeling any pain in his back anymore, not even reacting to the sensation of the small pricks digging into his skin. Theo moves like a MMA fighter, transitioning into full guard and raining down on Eli with some mounted punches. Eli starts swinging back from his back hitting Theo several times in the temple, dazing him slightly. Eli reaches back, finding the chair that Theo had tried to use him on earlier, lifting it up and nails Theo in the head with it, the edge of the chair slashing into Theo’s forehead and opening up a nasty-looking cut. Theo falls to the side as Eli gets to his feet and tosses him into the turnbuckle.
PIP: "Eli getting the control of the match now,"
HEATHER: "Certainly looking the strongest,"
As Theo is slumped in the corner, Eli goes to one of the turnbuckles across the ring and removes the pad where a box of matches has been stashed! He opens it up, striking one of them and he tosses it onto the table. It instantly engulfs into a blazing inferno, ignited by the alcohol from the Jim Beam. Eli grins as he walks across the ring, grabbing Theo by the head and spins around to where he is against the turnbuckle. He climbs to the second rope and lifts Theo up with leverage and leaps off a modified Baptism Unto Death, sending both men crashing through the nail-littered flaming table. More “Holy shit/You sick fuck!” combination chants ring out through the arena.
PIP: "Now we have flaming tables,"
HEATHER: "Well we are almost in Hell, quite literally,"
After a few minutes of no movement by either man, they both begin to stir, Eli first as he slowly gets to his feet. Theo looks to be stirring himself. Eli pulls a nail out of his ass, throwing it down while cursing to himself. He gives Theo a rather aggressive assist, hauling him to his feet. The camera focuses on both men and we can see Theo is bleeding profusely from the head now too. Eli pushes him into the barbed wire ropes and ties Theo in the strands of barbed wire, blood dripping from Theo's arms and Eli's hands. Theo tries to free himself from the barbed wire as the spiky barbs pierce into his arms. Elii starts punching away at Theo’s face, coating his own knuckles in Theo’s blood. Theo tries fighting back by kicking Eli in the midsection and after several desperation kicks, Eli is staggered, doubled over.
HEATHER: "These guys have fought to a standstill almost. What a great match. The crowd is electric. Hel is hot,"
The opening gives Theo the time he needs to painfully untangle himself from his barbed wire prison and he gets back to his feet, instinctively favoring the gashes opened up on his forearms. He sees Eli in a somewhat vulnerable position and charges at him but Eli sidesteps him and sends him tumbling through the barbed wire ropes and to the outside again. As he does so, Eli climbs to the top turnbuckle, leaping off on top of a downed Theo, landing with a stomp on Theo's leg. Eli holds his own ankle at the intense fall onto his feet, as Theo clutches his leg in agony. Eli gets to his feet, pulling from under the ring two ropes, Eli wraps the ropes around his waist tying them so he can carry them easier. Eli then grabs a hold of Theo, lifting to his feet. Eli lifts Theo placing him on his shoulder, Eli starts walking up towards the ramp. Eli stops at the bottom of the ramp and reaches behind him with his free arm, grabs Theo's head and falls down landing in a strange version of an emerald fusion. Eli gets to his feet and lifts Theo back to his. He goes to lift Theo onto his shoulder, but Theo pushes off, grabs his head and falls, driving him face first into his knee. Theo this time lifts Eli onto his shoulder and starts walking up the ramp.
PIP: "Theo getting a second wind, fighting back really hard, but is it enough to stop the great Eli James?"
As he reaches the top of the stage, Theo literally lets l Eli fall off his shoulder. Theo starts climbing the titantron as Eli slowly starts getting back to his feet. He looks up and sees Theo climbing and is quick to throw caution to the wind and follow. Having a head start, Theo is the first to reach the top. He takes a few steps back waiting on Eli, motioning him towards him. As Eli finally joints him at the top, both men stare at each other, their faces stained in blood. The stare down seems to last an eternity until finally, Theo charges at Eli. Despite his physical exhaustion and blood loss, Eli still has the wherewithal to sidestep him and he wraps his arms around Theo's side, spins around and nails him with an incredible German suplex on the steel girder beams holding the titantron in place! Eli gets to his feet, untying one of the ropes from his waist, tying one end of it to the titantron itself. Eli turns to Theo. Theo incredible nips up to his feet and takes Eli off his with a hellacious lariat. Theo grabs the free end of the rope and wraps it around Eli's neck tying it. Eli punches Theo's nose as soon as he's done tying. Eli unties the other rope from his waist, tying one end to the titantron and the other end around Theo's neck. Theo comes out of his stunned state and the two get to their feet, both tied to the titantron.
HEATHER: "Now out of everything they are both tied to the titantron. What next? They slip further below into Hell itself, where Night 3 is supposed to be run from?"
Theo and Eli both begin to pummel on each other again before Theo reaches and grabs Eli. Theo then leaps off the top of the titantron, with a kamikaze-like move, taking Eli with him. Theo, in a swift motion, reaches up as soon as their feet leave the titantron, grabbing his rope, holding himself up a little so he's not hanging himself. Eli on the other hand falls all the way down and is being strangled. He reaches up and pulls himself up too in order to relieve the pressure. The two look at each other, both of which if they let go will hang. Eli starts kicking at Theo who starts kicking back. The two are going wild trying to make the other drop their rope. Theo and Eli both bend their legs and try to kick each other at the same time, feet pushing off each other they start swinging, both continue swinging, and manage to reach a piece of the titantron they can hold on to. Almost as if synchronized they both manage to hook their legs around the titantron beam and untie the ropes from around their necks, both start climbing towards each other instead of climbing down.
PIP: "There's going to be some sort of reunion when they get back together, I can see it now,"
As the two climb the titantron towards each other they are also climbing down to get under the video screen so they can get to each other. The two start wailing away at each other. Theo starts getting the advantage and nails Eli's head against the titantron causing Eli to lose his grip and he starts to plummet down but manages to grab a hold of the last set of bars on the titantron. Theo also lets go and follows Eli down to the stage. He lands a lot harder from dropping further though. Eli gets to his feet and starts to make his way back to the ring. Theo gets to his feet about the time Eli limps his way to the ring. He follows after Eli who has now reached under the ring and is pulling out a glass pane, sliding it into the ring. He then pulls out a table, sliding it into the ring as well and climbs in too. Theo has now jadedly made his way down to ringside, rummaging under the apron as well as Eli is kicking some of the other items out of the ring. Theo pulls out a chair and tosses it into the ring as Eli goes back to his black duffel bag and pulls out another bottle of Jim Beam, opening it and taking a big swig as Theo enters the ring.
PIP: "Finally they are both back in the ring, enormous effort by both competitors!"
HEATHER: "This match goes on and on, should have been the Main Event,"
The two foes meet once more in the middle of the ring, with Theo going to punch Eli but he ducks and kicks Theo in the gut. Eli steps back, Theo looks up as Eli leaps towards him, nailing him with a punt kick straight to the face. Eli then walks to the table as Theo is laid out on the mat. He starts to set up the table near the turnbuckle. He grabs the bottle of Jim Beam and busts it over the table, shards of glass of various shapes and sizes scattering over the wooden surface along with the liquor from the bottle as well. Eli then takes the chair that Theo brought in and sets it up with the back of the chair facing the turnbuckle. Eli turns his attention back to Theo who is just getting to his feet, looking very dazed.
However, with a rush of adrenaline, Theo lunges at Eli and plants him with the Pryce Check! Theo gets up and walks over to the glass pane and sets it to where it's on the table leaning on the edge of the chair making almost like a slanted roof for the table. Theo looks on the ground near some debris of the tables from earlier and finds the book of matches from before and pockets it. He walks over to Eli, lifts him to his feet and Irish whips him into the corner. He builds up a head of steam before charging at Eli and sandwiches him with a splash. Theo lifts Eli up and sits him on the top rope and then ominously takes the book out of his pocket and strikes one of them before tossing it onto the table, the fire igniting the alcohol and causing it to be set ablaze.
HEATHER: "More tables on fire, it's too bloody hot already,"
Theo grabs his feet while standing on the second rope. Theo and Eli are now both set on to the top rope and they begin to exchange blows again, teetering on the ropes. Theo hits a stiff knee to the midsection of Eli. He grabs Eli in a Gory Special set up on his back and incredulously leaps off back, sending Eli through the flaming, glass-covered table with the Kingdom Come!
PIP: "Here it comes,"
HEATHER: "Are you a praying man Pip? 'Thy Kingdom Come,'
Both men are completely laid out, not moving as the referee, wearing special gloves, carefully removes the broken splinters of the table. Shards of glass are embedded in both men’s bodies like the shrapnel from an exploded bomb. Eventually, Theo begins to stir. He moves slowly and drapes a shaky arm over a prone Eli and the referee counts:
One…!
Two…!
Thr-…!
HEATHER: "Wow increadibly Eli kicks out after 3, after all this time, where did he get his energy from, magnificent match,"
No! Unbelievably, Eli kicks out. He sits up, as if he’s just had an adrenaline shot to the heart. His eyes are wide, his pupils massive as the blood pours down his face still but he is doing something no one expects…he is laughing, like a madman. Theo is up on his feet now, staring down at Eli who is still laughing with his arms outstretched, staring back at Theo. He punches Eli over and over again from his standing position but Eli continues to laugh. Theo grabs Eli by the hair and presses his face down onto one of the bottom barbed wire ropes, forcing the barbed wire into his mouth. Still, despite the compromised position, Eli continues to laugh. Theo takes a deep breath, wiping the excess blood from his eyes and stomps his foot onto the back of Eli’s head with the Sovereign Stomp! “Holy Shit” chants echo throughout the arena again as Eli’s face, barbed wire in his mouth, smashes off the glass covered mat with a sickening sound.
Theo rolls Eli over, the barbed wire almost seared into his face like a Chelsea Smile. He collapses onto his knees and goes for the cover. The referee gets into position and makes the count…
One…!
Two…!
Suddenly, the lights go out, plunging the arena into darkness. The fans are going crazy, not knowing what to expect.
After about ten seconds or so, the lights eventually go back on and to everyone's disbelief, Eli is nowhere to be seen. Theo is on his knees looking around frantically looking for him. He looks at the referee who just shrugs his shoulders. As Theo looks back to where Eli was lying, the only thing there is a lantern and then, Eli’s maniacal cackle echoes throughout the arena, getting louder and louder before slowly fading out along with the light from the lantern.
"Motherfucker!"
PIP: "Heather, where's he gone Heather? Where's Eli gone? He's like disappeared,"
HEATHER: "The real question is, after all that. Will we see the great Eli James again? My what a match. It ends in a draw. Poor Theo. Poor XWF fans. What a crazy start to Night 2. I still reckon it should have been the main event,"
Winner - DRAW
Once the video finishes playing, the camera zooms out from the screen to show a hulking figure watching that play on a TV mounted on the wall. He chuckles sadistically, turning to look at the camera. Those colorless lenses are in his eyes, his face streaked with red and black paint -- THE MONSTER MACHINE is here in full gear. There's no smile on his face. No warmth in his tone as he turns fully, showing off that bulky and jacked physique. His voice is raspy, pitched low but strong enough to carry.
ENIGMA: Chris Mosh is a man living on borrowed time. He is a fool, willfully ignorant. My warnings fall on deaf ears. I am sick of these wasted moments, waiting for someone worthy to step into the ring, to come at me with some measure of PRIDE, even a teaspoon of PASSION. Instead, I am faced with an endless parade of automatons who want nothing more than to go through the motions without any heart, without any emotion.
He shakes his head slowly.
ENIGMA: Tonight, another worthless creature will be culled from the herd. Embrace the warmth of the violence to come. Your futile dreams and pointless goals mean nothing to me. You are a shell, worthless and weak. I am everything you wish you could be, Mosh. Open your eyes. See me for who I truly am: the reality to snap you from your delusions of grandeur. I am the champion this company deserves. I am the wake up call this business needs. I AM THE ABYSS.
Snarling, he moves closer to the camera until his face is almost blurred, moving in and out of focus as the camera tries to compensate.
ENIGMA: Welcome to the end of everything you have ever loved. Welcome to MY DOMINION.
And with that, the feed cuts to black.
"Who Let The Dogs Out" starts playing and Roger comes down to the ring, surrounded by an entire legion of well behaved Dobermann's. As Roger climbs into the ring the dogs all stand at attention staring at the entry way as if their next meal will momentarily make an appearance.
A Literal Gorilla appears at the entry way as "King Kong" by the LA Symphony starts playing. ALG starts thumping his chest before quickly bouncing his way down to the ring. The Dobermann's start showing their teeth and let out a bark or two but for the most part remain standing at attention. Roger throws them some dog treats as A Literal Gorilla literally jumps into the ring.
ROGER
- vs -
A LITERAL GORILLA Anarchy Rules - Standard Match
DING DING
Roger seems startled by the bell and wonders if that means he’s late for dinner.
TODD: Despite wrestling here for months, Roger occasionally gets perplexed by… basic wrestling things.
GATOR: I tried explaining to him once what ring bells mean and what a referee is. He just ended up trying to tell me about his proper VCR maintenance and repair.
TODD: …What an enigma of a man.
WHAM! A massive gorilla paw smacks into Roger’s face! Roger crumples like a scarecrow! The Gorilla scampers up the turnbuckle, the highest point in the ring (to assert his status as the alpha of the ring) and pounds upon his chest!
The crowd hoops and hollers for the gorilla! On their feet for the Ultimate Alpha!
TODD: The XWF loves that gorilla!
Roger rubs at his jaw… working his way back to his feet. He strokes his chin thoughtfully, as the Gorilla hams it up, projecting alpha energy toward the crowd.
Roger’s eyes light up! He has an idea!
He reaches into his pocket and retrieves…
GATOR: A banana. How hack, every time someone wrestles the gorilla, they weaponize a ban-
A carrot. With a big fluffy green leaf at the end.
…
GATOR: …Huh.
…
GATOR: Okay. Yeah, that’s new. I’m interested.
TODD: Roger is anything but predictable!
Roger clicks his tongue, wiggling the carrot to make it look as enticing as possible!
The gorilla sees… and is fascinated by the long orange object, that is worlds away from his traditional jungle cuisine. Is it a toy? Is it a weapon? Can he put it on his head? Gorilla slowly climbs down, eyeing the orange article with both respect and reverence…
Roger holds up the carrot in his hand with a wiggle.
…The two competitors slowly step forward to the center of the ring…
The Gorilla slowly reaches forward, almost forgetting the hand holding this fascinating object.
Is it sharp? Is it soft? What is it f-?
ROGER JABS THE CARROT FORWARD, POKING THE GORILLA IN THE EYE!
The crowd is shocked!
GATOR: Dirty move by Roger!
TODD: …I mean, in his defense, Mister Gator, sir, he is a one-hundred-forty pound British man fighting a Literal Gorilla.
The Gorilla bats at his wounded eye (turns out carrots are only good for your vision if you consume them)...
AND Roger slips behind the primate, rolling him up in a school boy pin (or, as they call it in a foggy London, a bit of the ol’ rolly-polly-canolli)!
TODD: …I don’t think they call it that.
The official rolls into position!
1!
2!
THR-NO!
The gorilla’s massive gargantuan, tree-trunk-like legs kick Roger off! Roger flies through the air, colliding his back against the turnbuckle!
Before Roger can even come to grips with his sudden trip from the mat to the ring’s corner, the gorilla SLAMS HIS ENTIRE BODY AGAINST ROGER! RUNNING SPEAR IN THE CORNER!
TODD: Incredible speed at work by the Literal Gorilla!
HHL: Fun fact! Gorillas have a top running speed of twenty-five miles an hour an-
GATOR: YOU GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, HALLIWELL! I’M THE RED-SOUNDING VOICE ON THESE MATCHES!
Roger is agonizingly pancaked against the turnbuckle… He tries to crumple to the mat in a heap…
BUT BEFORE HE CAN EVEN COLLAPSE TO THE MAT, THE GORILLA SCOOPS HIM INTO THE AIR, OVER HIS POWERFUL GORILLA SHOULDERS!
HHL: Fun fact! Male Gorillas have a supraspinitus muscle diameter of up to 60 micrometers, over 20% larger than that of a human male. And speaking of other gorilla musc-
GATOR: I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE, HALLIWELL! DON’T APPROACH ME OR MY PLAY-BY-PLAY MAN AGAIN.
ALG holds Roger in the air…
…
Holding him…
Aaaaaaaand!
GORILLA PRESS!
Roger’s skull COLLIDES with the mat!
TODD: That’s the hardest part of Roger!
The Gorilla steps a foot onto Roger’s chest!
The official drops to count!
…
……
GATOR: What happened? Did Roger kick out?
…
TODD: No… I think Gorilla… Does he know how wrestling matches work?
Gorilla pounds his chest, climbing the turnbuckle!
The crowd hoops and hollers for the Gorilla who is literal!
…But the match continues.
GATOR: Gorilla not concern himself with human matters like ex-wives, medical malpractice, or what a pinfall is. Take note, Theo! Pin falls aren’t alpha!
The Gorilla spins gracefully at the top of the turnbuckle, playing to the whole crowd!
Meanwhile, at the center of the ring, Roger, looking very much worse for wear, slowly staggers back to his feet…
HHL: Oooh, bad move by Roger! Gorillas take standing as a sign of challenging their dominance! Which is why whenever I’m around gorillas, I remain in a supine position! An-
GATOR: SECURITY, GET THIS PRIMATE PERVERT AWAY FROM MY MICROPHONE!
Indeed, the Gorilla spins furiously when he sees in the corner of his eye, something standing!
HE POUNDS HIS CHEST WITH BOTH ARMS AND LEAPS FROM THE TURNBUCKLE!
…
And in a moment of clarity.
Roger sees it.
An opportunity.
An opening.
The Gorilla flies through the air.
Prepared to launch his powerful wound-up arms straight down upon the poor Londoner’s head.
If Roger retreats? He will surely die.
…
Instead, he advances!
The crowd is stunned silent.
The Gorilla is ill-prepared for a for ready to take him head-on.
And speaking of head-on…
ROGER DRIVES HIS SKULL AGAINST THE GORILLA’S!
TODD: Roger got all of that one!
GATOR: He calls that one… the-manoeuvre-where-I-go-about-taking-a-page-out-of-Molly-the-Barnes-playbook-and-drop-my-head-on-my-opponent-thank-you-for-listening-to-the-name-of-my-move!
…
TODD: There has GOT to be a shorter name for that!
The gorilla is knocked bananas! Collapsing backwards into his shoulders!
…That headbutt didn’t do ol’ Roger any favors either, as he collapses forward onto the Gorilla!
The official counts!
1!
2!
THREE!!!!!!!!!
WINNER: ROGER
TODD: An incredible, dominant showing by the Gorilla! But, out of nowhere, in a flash of brilliance, Roger steals a victory at the biggest show of the year!
GATOR: I wasn’t sure before tonight about Roger ever succeeding in his quest… but after watching him in action against Gorilla, I’m now 100% sure that he will get his rabbit back AND murder Joseph Gordon Levitt’s evil animal menagerie!
TODD: You can say th-… What?
HHL: Folks, this next match is one full year in the making! And has enough animosity to take up a night-and-a-half on the card!
PIP: No doubt, Heather. These former tag-team partners DO NOT like each other.
HHL: And one of them has decided that it’s time for the other to GO.
Suddenly, flashing on the X-Tron’s screen…
Waving proudly…
The Official Flag of North Korea!
Skittering down through the black curtain, dozens… No, hundreds of North Korean orchestra members! Dressed in immaculate sparkling white!
And finally emerging from the back… Carried on the backs of four servant boys, like a king of olden times…
It’s KIM JONG UN!
HHL: …Wow. I… uh.. I didn’t actually think this would happen. It felt like… someone should have stopped this.
PIP: North Korean Rules, Heather! For at least this one match, NK is running the show!
The Chairman of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is carried down the ramp beside the ring…
…
……
Finally, he nods, allowing things to proceed.
The band tunes up…
A North Korean ring announcer steps up to a Michael Buffer microphone!
“Standing at EIGHT-foot-FIFTEEN! WEIGHING 1200 POUNDS! HE IS THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION OF TRUE KOREA AND, ONE DAY, GLORIOUS LEADER WILLING, THE WORLD…”
“THE NORTH KOREAN WAR CRIMINAL!”
From behind the black curtain, NK emerges! Walkingin perfect step to North Korean National Anthem, wielding a ceremonial sword and immaculate military uniform. His magnificent cyborg biceps flexing as he flashes confident smiles, waving to the adoring public!
HHL: The North Korean War Criminal feels that Relentless is the perfect place to end Mark Flynn's career. He feels that Mark Flynn's Relentless moment last year, beating Kido for the Universal title? Should have been the War Criminal's moment?
Can you blame him, Heather? Flynn ENDED his partner's career! Betrayed him!
HHL: I'm not denying that, Pip. But, NK has sworn that he will do everything in his power to make sure this is Flynn's last Relentless moment. That this is his last match. And, maybe, that this is his last day on earth!
A wondrous orchestra of True Koreans trumpet out the most beautiful melody any man could ever hear.
Two cadets walk several paces after him wielding the glorious flag of True Korea, wavering majestically overhead, leading the way to a brighter future for all mankind. Wherever he is, the True Leader of the Free World, Kim Jong Un sheds a single of tear of pride for the Greatest Warrior on the Planet, aside from himself.
NKWC sheds off the jacket of his military uniform and walks up the steps into the ring. The cadets catch the jacket and without letting it or the flag hit the ground and touching filthy North American soil, quietly scurry back up the ramp.
As the band reaches its crescendo, NK lifts his arms…
AND A GLORIOUS DISPLAY OF NORTH KOREAN FIREWORKS SHOOTS OUT OF HIS MECHANICAL ARMS!
FOR LIKE TWELVE MINUTES, THE MOST MAGNIFICENT DISPLAY OF FIERY EXPLOSIVES LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT SKY!
…
NK smiles, waving the microphone over from the announcer, who more than willingly hands it over to the true champion of the XWF in True Korea’s eyes.
”ARE YOU PREPARED FOR TRUE KOREAN RULES, MY ADORING PUBLIC!”
The crowd hoops and hollers, intoxicated in the digital charisma of the War Criminal!
…NK scratches his ear.
”Now! Before we begin these festivities… and your WITNESS MY GLORIOUS ASCENDANCE TO MY RIGHTFUL PLACE!”
…
”I have ONE SMALL MATTER to address!”
”There have been whispers and murmurs! LIBEL AND SLANDER! PERPETRATED BY WESTERN SOURCES! THAT NORTH KOREAN RULES WILL RESULT IN UNEQUAL OR BIASED OFFICIATING!”
…NK shakes his head.
”To that, I scoff! Scoff, I say! There is no fairer people than those of True Korea!”
…
”And to demonstrate exactly the equal treatment at hand in tonight’s match… I designed my opponent’s entrance as well as my own!”
”JUST AS MY ENTRANCE HAD A BAND! A POLITICAL DIGNITARY CAMEO! AND FIREWORKS! SO SHALL MY OPPONENT!”
NK claps twice.
…
……
Of the hundreds of members of the massive North Korean band…
Three step forward…
…
With kazoos.
…
From behind the black curtain, Mark Flynn walks forward.
The crowd jeers and boos.
…He looks around at Relentless…
As his entrance music is belted out by three sarcastic kazoo players.
…Wheeled next to Kim Jong Un…
In a big cart.
Is a donkey wearing a sash.
That reads ‘MAYOR OF BATTLE CREEK, MICHIGAN’...
…And NK’s two cadets pull out fizzling sparklers.
The announcer coughs into the microphone, before wheezing at the lowest volume possible: “And his opponent, mark flynn.”
”MUSIC! FIREWORKS! POLITICAL DIGNITARY! SEE! EQUALITY! FAIRNESS TRUE KOREAN RULES!” NK laughs…
…
When from behind Flynn…. Who emerges!
But ‘NOTORIOUS’ NED KAYE!
Kaye claps Flynn on the shoulder, like he’s got his back.
Flynn looks back… Sighing. Nodding at Ned.
Then, Flynn chuckles.
He delivers a mild golf clap toward the band, as he walks down the ramp, Kaye right behind him.
…
‘
The fact that Flynn is finding a way to laugh this off.
Seems to irk the War Criminal, whose eyebrow wildly twitches.
…
Flynn walks in-step to the kazoo players, giving them a little finger waggle to conduct them…
NK is seething, spitting with rage! This was all supposed to humiliate Mark Flynn!
Instead, Flynn jogs up the ramp… Kaye steps into Flynn’s corner.
Mark tosses his bomber jacket to the corner…
And gives NK a head nod, like, ‘sup?’
…
NK claps again.
A North Korean referee steps between the two.
HHL: This match is about to… Wait, why’s the official pointing at Ned?
Indeed, the official is very hostilely pointing and gesturing at Kaye, who is looking up, like ‘what? Whaddya want?’
…Suddenly, the North Korean orchestra (slash tech crew?) wheels over…
A ten foot tall cage on wheels! The two cadets bark, commanding Ned to enter the cage.
Ned squints, perplexed, like ‘what? why would I do that?’
The timekeeper stretches toward his microphone.
“UNDER NORTH KOREAN RULES, ALL MANAGERS, VALETS AND ASSOCIATES OF THE COMPETITORS MUST REMAIN IN A CAGE FOR THE FULL LENGTH OF THE MATCH!”
PIP:...Well, looks like Flynn’s equalizer just got removed from the equation!
HHL: Wait, if Ned’s gotta go in a cage, what about the band?
PIP: C’mon Heather! How could they fit a 200-piece orchestra into that cage?
…Ned looks distastefully at the cage. But, he gives Flynn a nod, like ‘get the job done’.
Flynn nods back.
…
Ned sighs.
And steps into the cage.
…
”There.” Flynn nods. ”Now can we get this over with?”
SUDDENLY! A WHISTLE BLOWS!
“PRE-MATCH INSPECTION!
Before the match, the official takes two or three minutes to give Flynn the complete TSA patdown.
Ankles checked. Wrists checked. Top of head. Neckline. Back of ankles! Every possible place any human being could possible sneak in contraband is checked!
”You want me to turn my head and cough next?”
Finally satisfied, the official moves onto NK…
The official is ready to begin!
HHL: OH COME ON! The official didn’t check him for anything!
PIP: He gave him a visual patdown! He’s good to go!
Ned leans against the bars to protest the blatant unfairness at play!
…Flynn smirks, shaking his head, like ‘yeah, what else would I expect?’...
The North Korean official signals to the North Korean timekeeper…
The North Korean timekeeper looks over to Kim Jong-Un!
…
Jong-Un nods!
The timekeeper rings the bell!
MARK FLYNN
- vs -
NORTH KOREAN WAR CRIMINAL North Korean Rules Match
Immediately, Flynn charges toward the War Criminal, seeking a collar-and-elbow tie-up!
WHISTLE!
The North Korean official lifts a yellow card!
“INFRACTION!”
…Flynn peers puzzledly at the official, who points to Kim Jong Un, in the middle of whispering something to his timekeeper.
The timekeeper nods, as if being given a pearl of sage wisdom, before lifting the microphone to his lips.
“FALSE START PENALTY! COMPETITOR MARK FLYNN!”
HHL: …False start? The bell already rang! We showed the match graphic indicating the match had started and everything!
“UNDER NORTH KOREAN RULES, BOTH WRESTLERS MUST WAIT TO BEGIN BATTLE UNTIL THE SECOND RING OF THE BELL!”
…Flynn sighs, but shrugs acquies-
WHAM! FROM THE SIDE, the War Criminal delivers a massive boot to the side of Flynn’s skull!
…
HHL: HOW WAS THAT NOT A FALSE START?!?
Kim Jong Un murmurs another edict to his timekeeper, who once more rushes to deliver his edict unto the arena.
“COMPETITOR WAR CRIMINAL STRUCK… WITHIN THE TEN SECOND GRACE PERIOD OF THE SECOND BELL!”
HHL: TEN SECOND GRACE PERIOD?!?!
The timekeeper then leans over and rings the bell!
Kim Jong Un nods, as if his greatest joy is his rule being obeyed.
Ned, the goody-two-shoes that he is, is trying to find a voice of reason to complain to… And is only surrounded by a full cacophony of North Korean band members and sycophants.
He tries to bark how this is ridiculous! But the two cadets beat the cage with nightsticks to silence his anger!
Back in the ring… NK grasps Flynn by the scruff of the neck, lifting him to his feet…
WHAM! European NORTH KOREAN UPPERCUT to the throat! Flynn has his larynx SHUT by that shot, as he’s driven backward to the turnbuckle…
PIP: This is not a spot Flynn wants to be… As the smaller competitor, he cannot afford to get manhandled by the War Criminal!
HHL: He used to be the bigger of the two… Before NK got a cybernetic body!
NK reels his arm back… And goes for a ch-
FLYNN DUCKS UNDER THE CHOP! He catches the War Criminal with a standing switch, grabbing him from behind!
HHL: Flynn looking for a german here!
…BUT IN AN INSTANT, NK’s ankle zips toward around Flynn’s heel, blocking it!
”Ah ah ah! Auto counter mode engaged!” NK cackles, nodding.
HHL: The War Criminal is supposedly running on a tape library of every XWF match ever recorded!
PIP: As well as some WGWF matches maybe!
HHL: Point being, the War Criminal claims to have every trick, every sequence, MAPPED OUT!
PIP: Wrestling is a solved game, and the War Criminal is the unbeatable computer that’s mastered it!
…Flynn groans, trying to force NK up and over for the german…
NK… NK lifts up a half-a-foot into the air!
THEN SWINGS HIS BODY FORWARD, somersaulting himself and Mark Flynn forward, until Nk now has Mark Flynn’s back! The War Criminal grabs Flynn’s ankle and twists!
Flynn’s teeth grit!
The official starts screaming at Flynn to tap! Commanding him to give up to the superior competitor!
HHL: …So much for unbiased officiating!
…Flynn crawls on his hands and knees….
The War Criminal digs his heels into the mat…
BUT FLYNN STRETCHES HIMSELF! BARELY GETTING A GRIP ON THE BOTTOM ROPE!
”I’VE GOT THE ROPE! LEGGO!”
…Rather than start a five-count, the official looks at Kim Jong Un.
Who whispers to his timekeeper.
The timekeeper nods, before speaking once more.
“UNDER NORTH KOREAN RULES… ROPE BREAKS DO NOT APPLY!”
HHL: OH C’MON! THEY’RE JUST MAKING THINGS UP NOW!
The War Criminal cackles diabolically, as he continues to twist and apply torque to the ankle!
…Flynn, despite it not doing anything rules-wise… Clings onto the rope.
He crawls his way up to the second rope… Then, the third!
…The War Criminal’s eyes widen as he continues to cling onto his ankle lock!
Flynn…
Flynn!
Flynn pulls his ankles toward himself, drawing the War Criminal in!
WHAM! KICK TO THE CHIN!
The War Criminal rolls over, ass-over-teakettle, onto his shoulders!
…Before completing the rotation landing on his feet!
”GIVE UP AND DIE! YOUR CAREER IS OVER!”
NK charges forward… fist reeled back!
…Flynn ducks, going for a standing switch once more!
HHL: Again?!? That didn’t work last time!
Flynn wraps the War Criminal in a waistlock!
Immediately, the War Criminal’s ankle wraps around Flynn’s heel!
”HAHA! MY AUTO-COUNTER TRIGGERS ONCE MO-!”
WAIT! Instead of going for the suplex, Flynn shoves NK from behind! The ankle block fails! And the War Criminal flops flat on his face!
…
…Facedown on the mat…
The War Criminal seethes.
”YOU DARE EMBARRASS ME?!?!”
The War Criminal tries to snap his hand upwards to catch Flynn by the ankle…
But Flynn traps his arm!
He wraps him up in an unorthodox pinning combination, holding the War Criminal to the mat!
HHL: Flynn looking to steal this one!
…
The official does not count, instead looking toward Kim Jong Un.
Flynn irritatedly looks up at this whole kangaroo court, as NK’s robotic legs try to understand its position and how to escape it… (Kicking in the air only seems to press his shoulders deeper against the mat!)
”COUNT! C’MON!”
Instead, Kim Jong Un whispers another ruling to his timekeeper.
The timekeeper nods.
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE REACHED THE END OF ROUND ONE!”
A gong is sounded.
PIP: Phew, really back-and-forth first round, Heather! Who would you give the edge to?
HHL: WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘ROUNDS’?!? Since when has this match had ROUNDS?!!?
...I’m going to take that as a 10-8 in favor of the War Criminal.
The official begins commanding that Flynn release the pin, to respect the round structure.
…Flynn sighs, before releasing NK’s arms. Immediately, NK’s pretzeled limbs untangle as he flops to the mat, frustrated to get trapped in a pin.
The timekeeper continues.
“BOTH COMPETITORS WILL HAVE A RESTING TIME OF SIXTY-SEC-”
FWSSSSSSSH! War Criminal spews green mist STRAIGHT INTO FLYNN’S FACE! Manly, Machismo Blinding Green Mist!
Flynn covers his face, howling in pain!
The timekeeper clears his throat.
“OF FIVE SECONDS! THE SECOND ROUND HAS COMMENCED!”
The gong sounds once more!
Flynn is covering his eyes, lying on the mat from the acidic mist of the War Criminal, who now is stomping a mudhole straight into the chest of Mark Flynn!
Three stomps!
Five stomps!
Sev-
OUT OF DESPERATION, FLYNN CLINGS ONTO NK’S ANKLE! TWISTING HIM ONTO HIS FACE!
Flynn reaches, clinging onto NK’s arm…
FUJIWARA ARMBAR! FLYNN LOCKS IN THE FUJIWARA ARMBAR, DEAD CENTER OF THE RING!
HHL: This right here is the ultimate test for Mark Flynn! Can a machine equipped with every counter known to man escape Flynn’s very best submission hold! The one he’s perfected over his entire career!
PIP: No way, Heather! It’s impossible!
”AUTOCOUNTER!”
NK’s body tries to twist onto his back…
…
But, out of pure muscle-memory, Flynn rolls with NK’s struggling, twisting him right back onto his face!
NK slinks like an eel, trying to slip out of Flynn’s grip…
BUT FLYNN TIGHTENS RIGHT BACK!
PIP: NK’s gotta escape, Heather! He’s equipped with every counter in wrestling history! If there’s a way out, he’ll find it!
HHL: But what if there’s no counter to find, Pip!
NK’s face…
Contorts in agony!
…
”THINK OF SOMETHING, YOU STUPID PROCESSO!”
SUDDENLY, HIS FACE LIGHTS UP!
”AHA! AN IDEA!”
The War Criminal manages to narrowly slip… AND REST ONE FINGER ON THE ROPE!
The official immediately screams at Flynn to break the hold! This instant! ONE! TWO!
Flynn, still blinded from the mist, shakes his head!
”YOU SAID NO ROPE BREAKS!”
…The official looks dumbfounded.
He looks back at Kim Jong Un… Who seems confused. Why isn’t his champion winning already?
…
HHL: Aha! NK’s twisting the rules hoisted him by his own petard! The best counter his processor could find doesn’t work when HE changed the rules against that counter!
Ned pumps his fist from the cage, like ‘yes!’ even as the cadets continue to yell at him to keep his verbal outbursts to a minimum, smacking the cage with the nightsticks once more!
NK’s hand shakes… His face contorts in fear!
No! NOOOOOO!
The official…
THE OFFICIAL STOMPS FLYNN IN THE FACE! Flynn breaks the hold, (mostly out of surprise)!
HHL: THE NORTH KOREAN REFEREE JUST ATTACKED MARK FLYNN! HOW IS THAT LEGAL!
Kim Jong Un is already whispering something to the timekeeper!
“Ladies and gentlemen! In round two… OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE IS ALLOWED!”
HHL: WHAT?!?
Immediately, certain members of the band dash toward the ring! A couple drummers, a flautist, an oboe player all slide in the ring… And join the referee stomping Flynn as the official continues to give the War Criminal time to recover!
Ned spits, in disbelief at this absolute kangaroo court of a…
…
Wait. He gets an idea.
He shouts at the two cadets. They wind up, ready to swing their batons once more!
…
NED REACHES OUT OF THE CAGE, GRABBING THE NIGHTSTICK!
He pulls the cadet AND HEADBUTTS HIM THROUGH THE CAGE, KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS!
…Immediately the other cadet runs away (out of fear of physical violence.)
Ned leans down…
Grabs the key off the unconscious cadet’s body.
And unlocks the cage.
”INTERFENCE IS LEGAL, HUH?!?
HHL: OH SHIT! NED KAYE IS THE EQUALIZER!
Ned slides under the bottom rope!
The flautist swings his flute!
Ned ducks AND CATCHES HIM WITH A PELE KICK TO THE SKULL!
The drummer tries to jab at Kaye with a drumstick…
Kaye dives backwards on the mat, then KIPS BACK UP AND TAKES THE DRUMMER’S HEAD OFF!
The oboe player!
…The oboe player quietly slides back outside the ring seeing the carnage that lays before him… As the War Criminal finally stirs, having the time to run a full reboot of his processing systems.
Leaving Ned Kaye…
And the official… who slowly stops stomping Flynn…
And spins around.
To a smiling Ned Kaye.
…
The official tries to dive between the ropes to the outside!
BUT KAYE STOPS HIM! LIFTING THE OFFICIAL ON HIS SHOULDERS!
EGO D-
WHAM!
NK hits the Indie Darling Eternal with a running boot to the skull! Kaye rolls through the ropes to the outside, as the official narrowly avoids getting WRECKED by Kaye’s signature move!
HHL: No!
The official breathes a sigh of relief… As Mark Flynn slowly stirs.
HHL: Amazing. Despite all the ridiculous bullshit, we’ve seen so far, Mark Flynn is not beaten yet.
…NK turns toward Kim Jong Un.
Who nods.
The timekeeper reaches under the ropes…
And grabs a pair of brass knuckles…
He steps toward the ring…
And slides them under the bottom rope!
HHL: OH COME ON!
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! IN ROUND TWO, WEAPONS BECOME LEGAL!”
NK grins deviously, as he grips the brass knuckles, wrapping them onto his robotic hands…
HHL: This is absolutely ridiculous, Pip!
PIP: Ridiculous or poignant, Heather! Thirteen months ago, Flynn ended the War Crimina’s career at its peak! And what weapon did he use? BRASS KNUCKLES!
Flynn exhaustedly tries to climb to his feet… Clearly exhausted from having to fight from underneath as he has all night…
NK slowly circles around the GOOD GUY, Mark Flynn, using every bit of processing power he has to find the exact punch angle he needs to completely cave Flynn’s face in…
…Flynn stands up.
…
WHAM!
Flynn collapses onto his back.
NK drops the knuckles, dusting his hands like he’s finished a hard days’ work.
HHL: This is sick! This is wrong! This is… Wait, someone’s jogging down the ramp!
As a shadowy figure sprints from behind the black curtain down the ramp!
NK lifts a boot!
And plants on Flynn’s chest!
He flexes his bicep triumphantly, as the North Korean official can’t count fast enough!
ONETWOTHR-
THE SHADOWY FIGURE MAKES IT RINGSIDE AND RIPS THE OFFICIAL OUT OF THE RING!
…
IT’S THEO PRYCE!
PIP: But who’s side is he on?!?!
AND PRYCE CLOTHESLINES THE OFFICIAL’S HEAD OFF!
PIP: …Ah, okay.
HHL: Theo Pryce, the arbiter of fairness around the XWF, clearly has had enough of the War Criminal’s shenanigans! He books fair fights and this match has been anything but fair!
The War Criminal stands to his feet, looking down at Pryce furiously.
Kim Jong Un whispers something to the timekeeper.
The timekeeper reaches for his mic…
Just as Ned Kaye leaps atop the barrier…
AND DIVES THROUGH THE TIMEKEEPER!
HHL: I think we’re done with the rule changes now, Pip!
The timekeeper rolls backwards into Kim Jong Un’s throne!
WHAM! Collapsing a corner! His magnificent throne collapses like it’s made of cardboard… (which it likely is)!
Kim Jong Un falls flat on his back…
AS THE ‘MAYOR OF BATTLE CREEK’ rears his back leg and DONKEY KICKS THE CHAIRMAN OF TRUE KOREA!
HHL: THINGS ARE TURNING AROUND HERE!
NK is horrified! He squeals aloud as the Glorious Leader lays unconscious like a Loony Tune beneath a literal ass.
…He sneers, furiously… How did things turn out this way?!?
…As he slowly turns around…
Bleeding from the face.
Eyes covered in green mist residue.
Barely able to lift his arms.
…MARK FLYNN YET LIVES.
…
NK SNARLS… HE CHARGES…
…
Backward up the ramp?
HHL: Guess the War Criminal is afraid!!!
Bursting past Theo on the ramp, the War Criminal cuts a line to the top of the ramp!
…
Flynn collapses to one knee.
HHL: Incredible! The War Criminal has been thwarted! Flynn looks like he’ll win by just outlasting the rule-twisting of NK!
PIP: Kind of an anti-climactic ending, though… Shouldn’t a match like this end wi-
”EXCUSE ME!” NK howls from the top of the ramp… As his few still-conscious band-members-slash-tech-crew wheel something under a tarp toward him…
Kaye and Pryce have entered the ring, helping Flynn stay on his feet.
”Have you forgotten what I’ve taken from you?!?” NK sneers, as he lifts the tarp!
Revealing…
Irwin! Flynn’s number one (and only) fan!
TIED TO THE SAME ELECTRICAL BOX THAT FLYNN THREW NK INTO!
PIP: AH! POETIC JUSTICE!
Immediately, Pryce and Kaye spring forward, dropping Flynn back to the mat! They start climbing through the ro-
”AH AH AH!” NK waggles his finger back and forth disapprovingly! ”One step closer from either of you… And this fine XWF superfan gets A HUNDRED THOUSAND VOLTS!”
NK cackles… As Irwin wriggles, his mouth bound…
”Now… come here, Mark Flynn. ALONE. Let us finish this as YOU started it.”
Kaye and Pryce mutter to each other, like they’re trying to formulate a plan without Flynn having to throw himself into a stupid fight like this.
They glance backwards at where Flynn was laying.
…
Of course.
He’s already gone.
They look back!
And Flynn is hobbling towards the War Criminal up the ramp.
HHL: I have said many times that Flynn is a terrible human being.
HHL: I still don’t know if he’s a real good guy.
…
HHL: But damn, he has ZERO QUIT in his system!
As Flynn stumbles forward, he falls against the railing… He gets a couple pats from a few fans, just amazed Flynn is still willing to fight on…
The War Criminal is horrified. He barks at the fans!
”NO! YOU ARE MY FANS! DO NOT APPLAUD HIM!”
…
Suddenly.
All at once.
It happens.
…
An organic ‘Mark Flynn’ chant.
By completely-unpaid fans.
FILLS THE ARENA.
…
NK looks around, utterly horrified.
HHL: I *literally* never thought I’d see the day.
Flynn… cranks his neck.
As he scrambles up the ramp.
NK grits his teeth furiously! As he reels back his fist!
THE TWO MEET SWINGING!
HAMMERING EACH OTHER WITH RIGHT HANDS!
ONE! THREE! SIX! NEITHER MAN BACKING DOWN AN INCH!
…After the eighth right hand…
THE WAR CRIMINAL STAGGERS BACKWARDS INTO THE ELECTRICAL BOX!
NK seems to buzz with fear as he backpedals away from the thing that ended his career last time…
FROM BEHIND, MARK FLYNN CATCHES HIM WITH A DROPKICK TO THE HEAD!
HHL: This might be it! Mark Flynn could finish this here and now!
Flynn hovers over NK, whose robotic body is currently blinking and whirring… The energy in the arena is palpable!
Flynn looks over the War Criminal…
…
And jogs over to Irwin!
PIP: …Wait! What?!? Why didn’t he finish the War Criminal! NK made his life a living hell for months!!!
HHL: I think Flynn’s priorities have changed, Pip! He knows step one of a hero operation is to rescue civilians! That’s what a good guy does!
Flynn’s exhausted fingers twist off Irwin’s mouth bindings… And a few moments later, Irwin is freed from the electrical box!
Irwin scrambles free! He rushes to hug Fl-
FLYNN SHOVES HIM DOWN THE RAMP TOWARDS NED AND PRYCE!
”GET TO SAFETY, IRMANO!”
Irwin does love safety, so he rushes toward freedom.
Flynn, breathing a sigh of relief, slowly turns ar-
LIGHTNIIIIIIIIIIIIING PUNCH!
NK’s glowing blue fist caves in Flynn’s gut, scrambling his system!
Flynn collapses against the electrical box, grasping at his chest like he’s been tased straight in the heart!
HHL: NOOOOOOOOOO!
NK grins… his perfectly coifed hair out of place from Flynn’s dropkick…
”Hahaha… I confess, Mark Flynn.” NK says, weaving his hair back against his skull. ”You are a worthy opponent. Defeating you will seal my ascension PERMANENTLY.”
Once more, NK’s fist glows!
Pryce and Kaye start to roll under the ropes, trying to get up the ramp!
…
But they’re too far away!
”WITNESS MEEEEEEEEEEE!” The War Criminal screeches as he charges forward!
HHL: I’m getting word we’re back, folks! HOLY SHIT!
At the top of the ramp, the War Criminal’s carcass is smoking! The Electrical box looks like it’s been hit by a rocket launcher! Exploded metal and plastic is everywhere! The top of the ramp is covered in smoke…
…
…
Crawling through the smoke.
Mark Flynn goes arm over arm.
As the crowd goes wild.
He puts an arm atop the War Criminal.
…
PIP: But we don’t have an official.
Crawling through the smoke… Theo Pryce!
He counts!
1!
2!
THREE!
WINNER: MARK FLYNN
Theo can’t wait to scoop Flynn’s exhausted body off the ground, lifting his arm in victory!
HHL: Incredible! There were long odds! LONG ODDS that Mark Flynn survive this match! And somehow, some way, he came out with the victory!
PIP: RIGGED! We’ll see what the North Korean Rules appeals board has to say about this result!
Kaye and Pryce take Flynn by both sides, trying to help him up the ramp… As Irwin flits about, not really in a position to help the two supporting Flynn, but providing plenty of emotional encouragement.
HHL: We have a commercial break coming up but after we come back we will be going right to our second and final Hall of Legends induction of 2023.
Relentless comes back from commercial and we see Steve Sayors standing behind a podium with the XWF Hall of Legends logo affixed to it.
[yellow]”A few months back the XWF inducted the first legend from what is known as the Vinnie Lane era. That legend was The Engineer! And in a somewhat fitting fashion the person who inducted him then is who we are inducting into the Hall tonight. And to do that induction is a man who was a Universal Title victory shy of being a Grand Slam champion himself. One of the founding members of Apex…DREW ARCHYLE!
The crowd comes to their feet as Drew Archyle walks out from behind the curtain and replaces Steve at the podium.
”What’s going on XWF fans? Ya’’ll good? I hope so. It would be a real shame if you weren’t. So I am here tonight to induct my best friend and my brother from another mother Robert “The Omega” Main into the Hall of Legends. Most of you already know this but for the few of you who don’t, Robert and I met when we were kids. After my father split and my mother literally drank herself to death Robert’s parents took me in and made me part of their family. So when I say Robert is my brother from another mother I mean that rather literally. And I know some of you may find it weird that I ended up marrying Robert’s biological sister but I was never legally adopted so it’s all good right?
Right?
There is a murmur throughout the crowd as no one really knows how to react but eventually the awkwardness subsides and Drew continues on with his speech.
”Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I really hate doing this kind of stuff. Standing in front of people and talking. That’s not really my thing. I’m more of a “let my fists do the talking kind of guy” but considering everything Robert has done for me I felt like I owed it to him when he called me and asked me to be the one to do his induction speech. So here I am. I could rattle off all of Robert’s accomplishments like him being the 2nd longest reigning Universal Champion of all time. One half of the two longest reigning tag teams in XWF history. A former Xtreme Champion, a former 2 time Hart Champion, one of which is the longest reign in Hart Title history…one of the founding members of Apex but you all already know how awesome he was in the ring so let me tell you a little something about Robert outside of the ring.
Outside of the ring Robert is the kind of guy who will drop everything no matter what time of day to help a friend in need. Even if maybe you haven’t always been there for him. Robert puts others ahead of himself, always and he does it without a second thought or an expectation of reprisal. Loyalty means everything to him but family and friendship means more. Robert treated me like a brother long before I ever actually became one. Robert has saved my bacon so many times I’ve literally lost count and he has certainly been very gracious with his Gold Card over the years. Lord knows how much I’ve racked up on that thing. But don’t worry everyone, eventually I gave Robert his card back. Or I lost it, I’m not really sure. I should probably look into that actually. Anyway I don’t want to waste any of your time anymore than I already have so I’ll simply close with this…things like the Hall of Legends are reserved for the very best of the best in any particular sport. You all already knew Robert met those pre-reqs and then some in the ring and now you know that Robert is as equally impressive a person as he is a wrestler and I can’t help but think that those kinds of things should matter too and so it is my absolutely pleasure to reintroduce you all to my my best friend, my brother and the newest member of the XWF Hall of Legends…ROBERT MAIN!!!”
Robert briefly hugs his brother from another mother before taking the podium.
“Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, and fellow wrestling enthusiasts, I stand before you today to express my deepest gratitude for this incredible honor. It is with great humility and pride that I accept my induction into the XWF Wrestling Hall of Legends. This prestigious recognition is a testament to my years of hard work, dedication, and passion in the squared circle. First and foremost, I would like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to the XWF for this incredible opportunity. The XWF has been a home away from home for me, where dreams are realized and legends are made. I am humbled to be counted among the greats who have graced this ring before me.”
The fans cheer…
” I also want to thank my family, friends, and loved ones who have supported me throughout this incredible journey. Your unwavering belief in me has been a constant source of inspiration and motivation. Without your love and support, none of this would have been possible. To my fellow wrestlers, both past and present, thank you for pushing me to be the best version of myself. The camaraderie and sportsmanship that exists within the wrestling community are unparalleled. It is an honor to share the ring with such talented individuals.”
Robert leers off stage at Drew…
” Drew and Chris wherever you are, without either of you, I might not have had the illustrious career I had. So, it goes without saying you’ve both been a significant part of my career and everything that has transpired, good, bad, or indifferent. All the blood, sweat, and tears we’ve spilled together over the years mean more than any championship I’ve ever won. Those memories are forever in front of a packed house, and I’ll cherish them for the rest of my life. Thank you both for the friendship we now share and the epic battles we’ve all participated in. One of the most significant battles was keeping my credit cards away from Drew… But most of all, thank you for just being there, for the long phone conversations about what’s next in our careers, the extended stays on Anna Maria Island in a beautiful beachfront property, drinking the finest scotch money can buy, and relaxing. But one moment stuck out in my mind when you were both outside the ring. When my dad passed away in a tragic motorcycle accident, you were both there keeping me balanced, sending your love, and showing me what true friends are.”
The fans cheer… Drew suddenly turns his head to the stage entrance as we see walking out on to the stage is none other than Chris Page. Robert has a look of shock on his face. Chris stares at Robert Main as we see Drew step between the two in an attempt to avoid anything crazy going down. Robert motions for Drew to step to the side. Chris extends his hand to Robert and Robert shakes it. The two men embrace of the stage with Chris whispering something in Robert’s ear while they are embraced.
Chris steps away from Robert and stands by Drew as Robert goes back to the podium.
“Now we all know the world of professional wrestling can be tumultuous, the time away from our families, the miles in the air, and on the road, not to mention putting our bodies through absolute hell. But one thing kept me going when I was down and out, and that’s all of you… ”
Robert points to the crowd.
” You fans. You kept me going when I didn’t want to anymore! My body ached, and my mind was clouded; I thought of you. Knowing you spent your hard-earned dollars to come and watch me wrestle gave me solitude in the most challenging times, and I always wanted to provide you with everything I had. Whether it was standing in the rain signing autographs or a picture at the airport, I’ve always wanted to give back what you gave me. If you loved or hated me, I hope I made you proud. I hope I have given you something to tell your kids or grandkids about. Defending championships or fighting through war games, hell. I gave it my all. Your unwavering dedication and passion for this sport drive us to provide our all in the ring. Your cheers, your boos, your chants have fueled me every step of the way.”
The fans begin cheering Robert, Robert, Robert… Robert smiles briefly.
” In closing, I dedicate this induction to all who have believed in me, supported me, and cheered for me throughout my career. This honor is not just mine; it belongs to everyone who has been a part of this incredible journey. In our personal and professional lives, we are constantly hit with one adversity after the other, most of which we have no control over. But the four things we have total control over are how we react, how we adapt, how we breathe, and how we act. When I look back on my career, the one thing I want to be remembered for isn’t my wrestling or accolades. I want to be remembered as a beacon of inspiration for countless individuals, demonstrating unwavering dedication, perseverance, and an unyielding spirit. For those I have inspired, I want their journey to be nothing short of remarkable, and their achievements have set new standards of excellence, whether in the wrestling business or any walk of life. Throughout their illustrious venture, I want them to consistently push the boundaries of what is possible. As we reflect on my legacy, let us remember that true greatness is not measured solely by achievements but by the lives we touch. Without a shadow of a doubt, I’ve undoubtedly left an indelible mark on the hearts and minds, inspiring others to reach for the stars and pursue their passions with unwavering determination. And that’s what matters.”
Robert pauses for a moment…
” Thank you once again for this tremendous honor. I am truly humbled and grateful. Goodnight!”
The fans erupt with a standing ovation and begin chanting one more match! Robert nods along in agreement, walking back to the podium.
” Never say never!”
Relentless cuts to commercial as Robert and Drew exit the stage.
The first competitor in tonight's United States title match Chris Mosh comes down to the ring and immediately climbs atop the far turnbuckle and waits for his opponent.
Luna est dominae,
Volkodlak malorum,
Artes et perditae,
Lycan incarnatus,
Luna est dominae,
Volkodlak malorum,
Artes et perditae,
Lycan incarnatus…
A dense fog rolls out along the entrance ramp, the haunting whispered chant growing in volume along with the pulsing tempo of the music. A hulking appears from the gloom, slowly and methodically stalking towards the ring. His leather doomsday cloak is open over his massive chest, each step bringing him further into the light until “The Monster Machine” is revealed in full.
The dark and Gothic chanting continues, music swelling in volume as each pulse in the tempo and each measured step of the monster are in sync.
ENIGMA ascends the ring steps and subtly wipes his feet on the apron, turning towards the crowd as he removes the hood from his head, revealing his soot-streaked face and colorless eyes as well as the snake writhing around his neck. Throwing his head back, he sprays a bloody mist into the air before letting out a snarl. When his head lowers, blood drips from his chin and down his heaving chest.
CHRIS MOSH
- vs -
ENIGMA Madness Rules - Standard Match
JC: We are back here with you on night two of Relentless with Chris Mosh about to go one on one with Enigma!
DR: Lexi Gold vacated the United States Championship a few weeks ago when she took leave from the XWF leaving this match we have tonight!
JC: Chris Mosh, already with the Madness Triple Crown, looks to become the first ever Grand Slam Champion in Madness history!
DR: He’ll have to go through Enigma in order to do it! That’s no easy thing!
The bell rings and the two men approach the center of the ring. Enigma, the obviously larger man, reaches his hand up like he wants a test of strength. Mosh though, is not an idiot. If he tries, he knows Enigma is much stronger than he is and he loses the test.
Shrugging him off, Mosh backs up and circles. Enigma tracks him as he moves around. Mosh sends a kick to the thigh but Enigma turns and avoids it. The two then collar elbow tie it up in the center. After some resistance early, Enigma powers Mosh into the corner. The official steps in asking for a break, and receives it without hesitation.
Backing off toward the center, Enigma has his eyes on Mosh the whole way as Mosh stays in the corner to reevaluate. Mosh soon exits the corner and approaches the center. The two go to lock horns again but Mosh quickly counters with a twist of Enigma’s arm. Enigma stands upright then clobbers Mosh with a clothesline.
JC: Down goes Mosh with that awesome power from Enigma!
DR: You just get the feeling that this guy is poised for big things on the Madness brand, Jacuinde!
JC: Thinking Enigma is anything less than a main event caliber talent is a grave mistake for anyone to make.
Mosh lies on the mat with his arms clutching his head. The clothesline was a powerful one and Enigma is ready to take the figurative gloves off. Lifting Mosh off the mat, Enigma twists his arm, then drives his own shoulder into Mosh’s, then again, and again until Mosh falls to the mat. Enigma backs up toward the ropes and bounces off. On the rebound, he leaps into the air and drops a massive elbow onto Chris Mosh.
JC: Cover by Enigmaaaa and no!
DR: Chris Mosh kicks out here but he gotta come up with something. Enigma is absolutely smothering him right now.
Back to his feet, Enigma pulls Mosh to his then immediately slams him to the mat with a t-bone suplex. Initially thinking about a cover, Enigma thinks its too soon to try again and gets back to his feet. Lifting Mosh from the mat, he whips him to the ropes. On the rebound, Mosh ducks beneath a lariat attempt and runs to the far side. On that rebound, Enigma lifts his leg for a big boot but Mosh ducks under that one too.
Mosh bounces off the ropes for a third time, picking up steam each time he does. As he nears Enigma, he leaps into the air, but Enima turns slightly, catching him on his shoulders then drops backward, driving Mosh into the mat with a Samoan Drop.
DR: Enigma leans on for the cover!
JC: 1!.... 2!....
DR: Crucifix reversal from Mosh!
JC: 1!... 2!....
DR: Enigma kicks out!
Enigma gets back to his feet much faster than it looks like he would. Mosh is up too but as he turns to find his opponent, Enigma turns him inside out with another devastating lariat. Enigma is a man on a mission as he leans down and grabs Mosh by his hair and rips him to his feet. Enigma whips him into the corner hard. Mosh bounces off the corner and arches his back in pain before hitting his knees.
Advancing forward, Enigma sends a stomp between Mosh’s shoulder blades, sending him hard into the mat. Leaning down, Enigma brings Mosh to his feet again, shoves him back into the corner then whips him across the ring to the far side.
Mosh impacts hard again but stays upright this time as Enigma charges in. As Enigma nears, Mosh sends a big boot to the face as a counter. Enigma staggers backward several steps and drops to one knee. Lifting his head up, then himself, Enigma charges in again and this time Mosh sends to feet into the chin of his opponent.
JC: There’s some fight left yet in Chris Mosh!
DR: He’s gotta be smart here! Like the Mountain and the Viper, Mosh gotta stay fast and agile while staying out of Enigma’s reach!
Enigma staggers back again, turns and drops to a knee once more while Mosh hops to the top rope. The VIP leaps from the top, wraps his arm around Enigma’s head and drives him head first into the mat with a bulldog.
Mosh gets back to his feet as Enigma wills himself back up. Not wanting to lose his positive momentum, Mosh wraps his arm around Enigma’s head, then drives him to the mat with a vicious DDT.
DR: Mosh with a hook of the leg!
JC: 1!... 2!...
DR: Enigma powers out here at Relentless!
Mosh gets back to his feet. With momentum now firmly on his side, he knows he can’t let up. Enigma starts to get up. Mosh gras his arm, but Enigma uses his power to shrug him off and get himself vertical. Mosh charges toward him, Enigma takes a swing but Mosh ducks beneath him and sends a hard punch to the kidney that stuns Enigma where he stands. Mosh lifts him up then drops him to the mat with a belly to back suplex.
Mosh pops back to his feet. Enigma rolls to his stomach and begins to power himself back up. As he does, Mosh grabs him and sends him back to the mat with a belly to belly suplex. Mosh pops back to his feet and is sensing victory within reach as he peels off toward the corner.
Enigma is slow to get up but as he does, he staggers and turns…
JC: Super kick!
DR: Hook of the leg!
JC: 1!.... 2!....
DR: Shoulder up from Enigma and Chris Mosh is starting to show some frustration!
Mosh gets back to his feet and begins pulling Enigma to his. About half vertical, Mosh backs off and goes to the outside, then scales the turnbuckles. Enigma stumbles and drives his head accidentally into the groin of the official. As Mosh lines up his target…
JC: Elijah Copeland!
DR: What the…
Copeland appears out of nowhere, running down the aisle, he scales the steps and shoves Mosh off the top rope. Unprepared, Mosh is a lame duck as Enigma spears him out of the air.
JC: Chris Mosh just got folded in half!
DR: That has got to be one of the most devastating spears I’ve ever seen!
JC: Questions!
DR: And Answers!
JC: Cover by Enigma! 1!..... 2!.... 3! This one’s over!
Winner - and NEW United States Champion, ENIGMA
JC: Enigma! With an assist from Elijah Copeland, is the new United States Champion!
DR: When Chris Mosh wakes up, he’s gonna be livid!
EDWARD AND APE FRIENDS GO TO BIG RING. THEY WALK AND WAVE TO FANS. APE FRIENDS GIVE BANANAS TO FANS. EDWARD SHOW BICEPS AND GRUNT LOUD TO FANS. FANS MAKE LOUD NOISES AND EDWARD FEEL STRONG. EDWARD AND APE FRIENDS READY TO RETAIN SHINY!
“Suffocate” by Cold begins to play as the lights dim all through the arena. Fog rolls through the entranceway as a bright light shines from behind it. A shadowy figure is projected through the fog, the sexy figure grinding to the beat of the music. Sidney Grey emerges and surveys the crowd as they boo her loudly. She smirks as she flips off the crowd and moves in time to the beat, going into yet another seductive grind, which ends in a tremendous eruption of pyrotechnics as she runs her hands all along her body, tosses her hair back, and heads to the ring with a laugh. Sid walks slowly down to the ring as she arrogantly taunts the crowd, blowing kisses to some and threatening to slap others all the while with a condescending smile on her face. Sid slides underneath the bottom rope and goes to the far corner of the ring as she stands on the turnbuckle and continues to taunt the crowd, while smiling sadistically as she waits for the match to begin.
Our referee for this evening, legendary explorer Leif Erikson, takes the Anarchy title from EDWARD and holds it up to the crowd as valkyries enter the arena to place weaponry for use. Sidney stretches in her corner as EDWARD gets spooked by flying white women.
GATOR: Hey Todd, you realise this is the second time we've been in hell?
TODD: Technically this is Hel with one "L" but it is weird we've been in some kind of underworld twice.
GATOR: Verily! That's what Thor says yeah? Whatever, whats this match anyway? What's going on with all these magic weapons littered about?
TODD: Straight-up one-fall for the Anarchy title Gator, Lady King Sidney Grey versus our champion on the run of his career EDWARD! Each weapon around the stage has been selected by the valkyries personally.
GATOR: Neat! Can't wait to see EDWARD wield some dumb shit named GURNGINUMBRE... Fuckin' vikings.
TODD: Are you still bitter from when they pillaged your homeland?
GATOR: Yes!
DING! DING! DING!
EDWARD wastes no time with a mighty roar he sprints from his corner and grabs a spear on his way Sidney is caught unaware as EDWARD leaps into the air, spear in hand and stabs down but Sid manages to roll out of the way avoiding the tip and the spear strikes the turnbuckles, sticking into the padding; Grey boots EDWARD in the back and pulls the handle of the out and takes control of the weapon spinning it around with a flourish before nicking the champ's arm as he turns around to face the challenger. Blood oozes from EDWARD's bicep as Sid takes another shot but EDWARD grabs the shaft in time and pulls it forward forcing Sid into EDWARD and the champ knocks the spear from her grasp with a nasty headbutt!
EDWARD then whacks Sid's side with the blunt staff of the spear!
GATOR: EDWARD whacking the shit out of Sid like she's a pinata.
TODD: He's not using the spear right, he has it like a kendo stick.
GATOR: Todd, shut up you nerd.
Crack after crack! EDWARD beats Sid back before booting her away and launching the spear like a javelin but Sid just gets down in the nick of time and the spear flies over her prone body! EDWARD raises his hands in frustration but as he does, the spear turns and flies back towards Sidney, EDWARD's frustration turns into joy as he sees the spear coming back to him.
And over Sidney.
And back to EDWARD, point first.
EDWARD then realises his mistake as the spear nails him in the shoulder and he releases a pained grunt.
GATOR: Why didn't he catch it?
TODD: ... Guess it caught him off-guard.
Sidney sees her moment and sprints forward, leaping into the air and dropkicking the base of the spear driving it right through EDWARD's flesh and bursting through his back! EDWARD lets out a blood-curdling scream as he falls through the ropes to the outside. Sidney retreats spotting a large hammer sunk into the ground and tries to lift it to no avail.
EDWARD breaks the spear in half between his meaty hands to make movement a little easier and groans in pain as he looks around in a rage spotting a large case; he opens it up and looks at the contents confused for a moment before assembling the mess of pieces hasitily. Meanwhile, Sid can't lift the mighty hammer and gives up, instead opting to take a sleek sword with intricate designs and rushes back into the ring.
TODD: Looks like Sid has grabbed Lævateinn, a sword crafted for the God of Mischie-
GATOR: EDWARD HAS A FUCKING IKEA CHAIR!
CRAAAAAAAAASSHHH!!!!
EDWARD runs in wielding his newly assembled chair and smashes it to pieces over Sidney's dome; Grey stumbles back half-conscious wildly slashing with her sword as she falls back onto her ass; EDWARD throws down the chair leg and tries to grab at Sid but her wild swings cause him to back off; EDWARD manages to get a hand on her ankle and drags her forward and throws a haymaker into her head!
Sid's limbs drop and so does her sword; EDWARD goes for the killing blow ready to pick Sid up like dead weight but the sword on the mat shifts forms and turns into a viper which strikes and latches onto EDWARD's ankle!
EDWARD falls back in pain and pulls the viper away slamming onto the ground over and over again until the snake doesn't move; EDWARD looks back to Sid but is too late to notice a running knee heading into his mush and the champ is sent out of the ring once again as Sidney falls to the mat holding her head in pain and takes a breather.
EDWARD is on the outside shaking the cobwebs as he now sees the large hammer and his eyes widen in delight.
Sidney pulls herself up using the ropes and tries to pysche herself up.
BUT A HAMMER SAILS THROUGH THE AIR NAILING SIDNEY IN THE STOMACH!
All the wind shoots from Sid's lungs as she falls back and the hammer returns to EDWARD on the outside as he smiles with glee.
TODD: EDWARD HAS MJOLNIR!!!
GATOR: EDWARD IS WORTHY!!!
The champ slides into the ring with a roar from the crowd and stands over Sidney's body; he throws Mjolnir straight up, high into the sky before grabbing Sidney and deadlifting her over his head!
TODD: STONE AGE SLAM!!!
EDWARD with the gorilla press slam throws Sidney onto the mat and as soon as she hits the canvas Mjolnir falls from the sky crashing into Sidney's spine!
HHL: A solid victory for reigning ANARCHY champion EDWARD tonight over the Queen of the XWF Sidney Grey and with that we wrap up night 2 of Relentless. Join us tomorrow night live from HELL for Relentless Night 3!!! You excited Pip?
Pip: Thrilled.
Special Thanks To The Following Match Writers
Sean Parker
Peter Principle x 2
Thaddeus Duke
Atticus Gold
"Ook ook ook! Ook ook, ook, ook ook ook-ook-ook, ook ook. Ook ook ook. Ook ook. Ook ook ook! OOK OOK!"
The gorilla beats his ches.
"Ook ook ook ook. Ook ook? Ook ook."
"OOK."
"OOK."
Hello noble gorilla my name is Roger and whenever i was feeling a wee bit under the weather my sweet mother used to always tell me about how we're not that different from apes and that would cheer me up instantly so i would like to tell you that you and i are not that different and thank you for giving me the confidence that i need to destroy that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his evil child torturing animal army and so i would like to say thank you for the mighty combat and i am sorry for jabbing you in the eye with a carrot as with all orange things they are quite delicious when you put them in your mouth so i have a small bundle of them to give to you as a peace offering and if you have an eat of them maybe roasted with some olive oil and salt or even raw dipped in your favourite hummus you will surely agree that they are tasty.
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