Undisclosed Location
Rural Appalachia
12:43 PM

Incredibly cheap VHS-quality camera footage focuses in on a tall, wild-eyed bearded man standing in the middle of a thoroughly trashed barn, with smashed and torn-up furniture everywhere.

"MY NAME'S CLETUS, AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK"

The footage hard-cuts to the man smashing a wooden mahogany chair over a pile of already-destroyed mahogany chairs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

The footage hard-cuts again, back to the man standing and staring at the camera.

"LITTLE PENCILNECK SHRIMP-BOY WALKS UP TO MY HUT ON SLAP MOUNTAIN AND TELLS ME I CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA PEOPLE AND GET PAID DOIN' IT, AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF-"

There is another hard cut to an uncomfortably close zoom-in on his face.

"'CAPITAL IDEA, CLETUS!'"

Another hard cut. He's smashing a bedframe to splinters with his boot.

"FUCKIN' MATTRESS COMP'NIES I HATE 'EM"

The footage returns to filming him addressing the camera at a safe distance.

"SO I WENT DOWN TO TOWN GRABBED THE FIRST GUY IN UNIFORM I SAW BY THE SCRAWNY LITTLE NECK AND SAID 'GIVE CLETUS A FUCKIN' JOB!' AND CLETUS GOT A FUCKIN' JOB."

Another hard cut, to the exact same shot as the last cut, begging the question of why a cut was there at all.

"SO GUESS WHAT, BOYS? SLAP MOUNTAIN'S COMIN' TO ANARCHY, AND IT'S PISSED. I AIN'T AFRAID TO GIVE THE SLAP TO NOBODY."

An extensive montage follows of the man violently slapping, throwing, and generally assaulting a wide variety of folk. From hikers, to priests and nuns, to even police officers.

"AND I FUCKIN' MEAN NOBODY."

The footage cuts to the man repeatedly slapping an elderly woman in a supermarket parking lot, then body slamming her.

"PUT THE GOD DAMN CART AWAY WHEN YER DONE WITH IT!"

We once again cut back to him at the barn, as he points directly to the camera.

"YOU PANSIES IN YOUR FANCY SUITS BETTER GIVE OL' CLETUS A MATCH NEXT TUESDAY RIGHT PRONTO, OR ELSE I'M GONNA FIND YOU"

The camera cut-zooms closer to his face.

"I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

One last uncomfortably close cut-zoom.

"I WATCH YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP."

The video abruptly ends, on that note.