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Lacklan · (04-29-2022)

Welcome everyone!

To!

Thursday Night Anarchy!

…..in association with the Generic School of Wrestling…

The “Boss Needs a Day Off” Battle Royal!

Coming to you LIIIIIIIVE!

to tape.

Listen, I legit told all you peeps that I would not, under ANY circumstance, be within the floating halls of the XWF for this dumb event. Like, a BUNCH of times. Even insinuated that I’d be bumpin’ pretties all night long with the Missus. But, APPARENTLY, in what should be a surprise to absolutely no one (we’ll have another one of those at the end!), neither Vinnie nor Bama showed up for it, either. Not even that dumb dog! So imagine MY surprise when I woke up in the morning and had an e-mail marked “OMG SO URGENT YOU HAVE NO IDEA” from freakin’ TODD (I hates him, no matter how often he helps out with Vampeteen’s promotional video presentation) that they needed commentary for this dumb match. I’d say “abortion” of a match, but some baby on twitter would cry about the term and give Vinnie endless grief while also making abortion jokes with their friends but THAT reference is funny and THIS one woudln’t be. Because DUH.

N-E-Ways, so here I am watching this dumb thing with a fresh bottle of wine (red, obvs, because gimmick), the ability to fast forward, and literally ZERO expectations of this resembling anything even closely resembling a match.

‘SKO!

..............................

Why isn't there a graphic? Vinnie always makes sure there's a graphic to transition. Hold on, I'll call him....

"I WANNA RAAB! (RAAB!)

I WANT TO RAAB! (RAAB!)"

So glad he uses that as his ring tone and stuff. Legit best bit I've ever done. So sweet of him to-

"Dude?"

"VINNIE! WHY DON'T I HAVE A GRAPHIC FOR THIS DUMB BATTLE ROYAL?!"

"Dude!"

"What do you MEAN you've been too busy doing wedding stuff?"

"Dude."

"Oh please, it's not like it's YOURS, or anything. I mean, that would require picking a date, ya know?"

"...dude..."

"Truth hurts, Bossman. #ForeverFiance #TooAfraidToTieTheKnot #AnotherReasonWhyI'mBetterThanRox #SendHerMyKisses"

CLICK!

Uh. Whatever. I think I've got some old graphic here no one uses...okay, just pretend this says something about the battle royal, okay?

[Image: zaCU2l0.jpg]

Oh Sweet Jesus, Generic Heel is sitting on a throne in the middle of the old Federweight hallway. A throne apparently made up of scantily-clad skanks? $5 says Maya is one of them. Hate that dumb whore. N-E-Ways, Fatso is there wearing just his mask and a pair of old blue tights and he's got this above-it-all look in his eyes, because somehow he's the man of the hour, the man with the power. Lord, help me. There's a pretty shoddy ring placed in the center of the hallway...legit, I think it's just a few old mattresses sitting atop some crates with some long green hoses wrapped around to act as the ropes. Will that even work? I mean, I've never touched a yard/lawn/whatever hose before, because fuck chores and stuff, but I *THINK* Angie has said they stretch far? Or something? Ugh...farm chores...I can't imagine how dirty her everyday life is.

So, let's see...GH is the only one there...wasn't there supposed to be a bunch of-

B-B-B-

BOB

WORLD

ORDER

Why is Herschel meandering slowly to the ring while the old bOb music is playing? Okay, now why is Jamaican Jimmy coming out while Weird Al is singing “Jamaican Me Craxy?”

.....oh....oh no....

……they are ALL getting entrances?!

Nope! No way! I am NOT sitting through twenty freakin' entrances for freakin' local talent and Raaaaabs. I mean, no one even pays attention to entrances, ya know? Nice, simple entrances without extravagance or long, droning introductions are what we all really want, after all. Lord Almighty, I LOATHE when someone insists on having a long, drawn-out, extravagant, featured introduction that is, more often than not, longer than the actual match. Those peeps shouldn't be allowed to compete, I think.

N-E-Way, I'm gonna fast forward and.....

.................................................................................................

..................................................................................................................................

Okay, some of these are pretty cool. Like, Big Phreesh coming to the ring while waving the Disintegrators back and forth like a pair of Persian clubs? Pretty legit. Oh! And Valerie coming out in a freakin’ TANK. Man, she is SUCH an underutilized talent. Need to book her more often. Maybe have her take one or two of Vita’s matches so she can axly FOCUS on the stuff that matters. Oh! And the Aroostook Strangler, of course. He came out, spitting and snarling and bitting, with Arnold there to wave his racket, but he ALSO had this handler with him. The handler’s wearing a bodysuit and mask covering their head…Lord knows what’s underneath…but definitely a feminine form. Guess like with Kong, beauty tamed the beast?

Okay, looks like everyone is crammed into this makeshift “ring.” There are a LOT of flabby, out-of-shape, only-kinda-doin’-this-on-the-weekend bodies stuffed in there. And Michael Graves?

Didn’t…

Didn’t I kill him? Yeah, like a year or two ago? Threw him off a scaffold for DARING to even THINK he could hurt my 4th-Place-BFF Ruby. Like, BAM right on his head and with blood everywhere. What a comeback! Ya know, that I take a look around at all these peeps on my screen, I see a LOT of people who I have beaten before. There’s the Bass Backwards…and Bridget with that crazy hair…and is that the Dungeon Master? Holy crap! I thought he was just a one-off for a UGWC and Chill event. And oh jeez…the Upp Brothers are here. They’re tag offense is “cutting edge…” for, like, 1973. Listen, you all know how I hate all that flippy stuff and, like, a bajillion super kicks that we see so many wrestlers do these days, but the Upps still think a double hiptoss is going to win a championship! It hurts! Lord, I loathe when out of touch wrestlers think their old bits are still good enough to matter in today’s environment. Not that THAT ever comes up later or anything, I’m sure.

DING!

DING!

DING!

Finally, we get to this stupid-

…um….

Why is Bam Miller suddenly here? Pretty sure all the spots in the battle royal are filled. He’s walked up to a camera and-

Bam Miller: Well ladies and gentlemen the ass-kicker is back and ready to get back to slaying Top Guys here in XWF, and I've been making a list of individuals that interest me, you can almost call these my dream matches.

Bam smirks as he looks off to the side for a moment.

Bam Miller: Now there is one person on my list that interests me the most and he just so happens to be a former Anarchy Champion and someone that enjoys a good fight like me. Elijah Martin I respect everything you've done in your career and even respect you as a man and that's why I want to trade punches with you, I want to battle you in any type of match that will lead to us having a bloody Massacre, I want to paint a Mona Lisa of violence with your help. It's simple Elijah Martin I want you to show up so we can wreck out!

Suddenly Elijah Martin appears walking pass the camera then comes back and looks at Bam before turning back to the camera.

Elijah Martin: Okay

Both men stare each other down.

….um….are…are they going to join in the battle royal? If not, why are they hanging out in this dumb hallway? Didn’t Elijah know he had the day off? Welp, now they’re walking back out of the old Federweight area as the match actually starts. That’s a little weird, tee bee haitch. But! Battle Royal time!

I wonder if it’s Battle Royal or Battle Royale? Like, is it a New World vs. Old World issue? Like, it’s CLEARLY written to say Royal, but SOME PEOPLE keep saying Royale, with an emphasis on the -al which gave me pause and wonder if there WAS an e at the end to force the vowel pronunciation change, but there isn’t, so I’m confused about-

Eliminated: Billy “Bass” Ackwards

Holy Crap! I didn’t even see what happened! And I don’t think ol’ Billy did, either. Hold on…let me rewind…okay, looks like everyone is kinda staring at the Bammer and Elijah “Not Really the Anarchy Champ in the First Place” Martin walking out the door and then he just got picked up and HOISTED over the top rope by C-Baalz! Dude’s as fat, slimey, and massive as most of the other guys in here but dude is also FAST. Poor Backwards went backwards in his attempt to be THE biggest (??) Local Talent in the XWF headquarters. Okay, this thing is starting in earnest now. Lots of random punches and pushes…can’t really do much when nineteen people are in the ring…

wait

I only see eighteen. Are we missing someone? Hold on, let me do a roll-call real quick with the people I see:

The Dungeon Master (Chill’s own!); Bridget "Big Sky" Bullet and her massive, massive, massive rat’s nest she calls hair; Big Preesh…with the Disintegrators attached to his arms like Baraka’s swords…; Jamaican Jimmy, who I’ve never axly seen before until today; Valerie Vladivostok who, again, should be booked WAY more often; the Upp Bros, so that’s two in one shot; Leo Morgan…another one of those guys I don’t think I’ve axly seen until I started watching this; Job Guy who axly used to be a tag champ here, because LOL; Joey Handjobs; freakin’ TODD?! Why is TODD in this battle royal? I bet Vita got him booked…; Jessie Anderson of the We Work Here Too! Alliance; the aforementioned totes supposed to be dead Michael Graves; Hershchel, who started this thang; Cage Freakin’ Coleman; C-Baaaaaaaaaaaalz with the weird, yet cool, Enigma mask; That Idiot’s Obese Cousin Vicky; THE Aroostook Strangler; and, of course, the eliminated Bassman.

That’s nineteen.

Hmm. Welp, Arnie and that super-hawt handler of ol’ Stooky don’t count (I bet I could figure out how to redesign her bodysuit to include some puffy sleeves; bitches love puffy sleeves), and GH doesn’t count.

Or DOES he?!

DUN

DUNNNNNN

DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!

#Foreshadowing?

Eliminated: Jamaican Jimmy

Woah! The Dungeon Master just rolled a natural 20 and sent Jimmy flying over the rope! Pretty sure he didn’t even touch him. Guys that “How You Wanna Do This?” was just too powerful. Okay, now he’s winding up for the “You Can Certainly Try” but OH NOES! He just got taken out from behind by Phreesh and his whirling Disintegrator Arms! Pretty craxy how those three can freakin’ DODGE me and my challenges for, like, MONTHS, yet still find their way into the ring every few Mondays AND this dumb thing.

Ugh….starting to see a lot of limbs flailing about now. I mean, not exactly much in the way of ACTION, of course, because: Battle Royal, but certainly more and more shoving. Ouch! Bridget just wound up (winded up?) that insanely teased mullet of hers and WHIPPED C-Baaaaaaaaaaalz right across the back with it. That’s gonna leave a mark. But then BLAMO! The Upp Bros just hit her behind with a double-double ax handle. They’re posing now…because they still think simple tandem moves like that are relevant these days…and OH DANG!

Eliminated: The Upp Bros

That Idiot’s Obese Cousin Vicky just came out of NOWHERE with a big double clothesline and sent them both over the ropes/garden hoses and to the floor below. Mind you, they SHOULD have seen that coming, since by “nowhere” I mean “slowly meandered her way over to them at, like, 1 mile an hour because unathletic, and likely illiterate, fatty,” but it still proved effective. And now she’s standing face-to-face with the equally tubby Herschel. Oh, THIS is going to be a classic. Honestly, can these two even-

—--

What the-?

Superkick?!

From HERSCHEL?

How did he even-

ANOTHER SUPERKICK?

AND ANOTHER?!

How the HELL is he-

…….

Oh……

Oh no.

It’s the Modern Wrestling Portion of the Match.

Okay, I’m gonna fast-forward this a bit to just get the cuts…since all this shit is literally only done for weirdos to make gifs of online…

Oh, it’s pronounced “JIF”, by the way. #ItsCanon #NowYouKnow #LegitHowTheCreatorOfTheGifFileSaysItsPronounced #AnnunciationMatters

Herschel performs SEVENTEEN superkicks in a row while That Idiot’s Obese Cousin Vicky never falls to the mat!

Cage gave Valerie THREE rolling piledrivers ALL ON THE APRON!

C-Baaaaaaaaaaaaalz climbed to the top rope and…even though he’s, like, a bajillion pounds….gave Freakin’ TODD a 45963000 degree spash!

Michael (totes legit dead) just did a springboard twisting senton while a good dozen competitors blatantly waited around in a pile to catch him!

And no one is showing ANY damage WHATSOEVER!

27 STARS, BAY-BAY

Good Lord, Modern Wrestling sucks.

Er.

Um.

N-E-Ways. The Dungeon Master is rolling his dice, looking for-

Uh oh.

Natural One.

Eliminated: The Dungeon Master

Pretty sad to see himself eliminate himself. Okay, now we have Bridget trying to use that Bullet Mullet of hers again, this time going after Valerie. She’s whipping away with it…not gonna lie, that’s a pretty slick move…i should steal it and whip people with my braid and be TOTES original…that’s how others around here do it, yeah? And-

Eliminated: Bridget “Big Sky” Bullet

Wow, didn’t see that coming! The Strangler snuck up right on her, grabbed her mid-whip, and launched her right out. Now Valerie is cowering in the corner at the sight of the snarling, snapping Strangler…trust me, Child Sarah understands you pain (#Continuity!)...and now he’s got her and-

Eliminated: Valerie Vladivostok

Another elimination for the Strangler. Ring is starting to look a little more manageable…though I’m still wondering who that last participant was supposed to be. Man, the “great” Generic Heel couldn’t even get a full 20 people to show up for his battle royal. Sad! Not like when I put the word out for peeps to participate, ya know? People show up by the DROVES whenever I ask for fed participation, amIright? Freakin’ loser GH.

Okay, Big Preesh is swinging with his Disintegrator arms again…which is a really weird and gross sight, let me tell you…and now-

“It's Friday, Friday - Gotta get down on Friday”

Oh hey, someone’s calling me. Let me see who it is…

Eliminated: Leopold D. Morgan

Oh, Vita! Lemme answer this real quick…

Eliminated: Job Guy

Hey, Vamperella, what’s shakin’, bacon? Oh, nothing, just watching some dumb match for my dumb job. How you be?

Eliminated: Joey Oddjobs

Listen, there is NOTHING wrong with losing those last two matches. Mind you, I DO know what happened. Focus, remember?

Eliminated: Jessica Anderson

You focused on the WRONG thing when it came to my BABY sister, and while I supes appreciate the desire to beat up dumb dumb Corey before we are all inundated with the DUMBEST shit POSSIBLE in a bit when Alias has to deal with the ‘challenge’ of an undead/reborn Maddy, you need to realize that you can’t ALWAYS fight EVERY week. Trust me, I know the allure of fighting everyone everywhere…I legit trademarked “Fight the World Across the World,” if you remember-

Eliminated: Big Preesh w/ the Disintegrators

-but doing so means you lose focus on what REALLY matters. And that, sweetie, is something you and I need to figure out. What do you REALLY want. We’ll get there, okay? Talk to you later!

That was Vita. Such a sweetie. Now, I didn’t miss anything, did I?

Ya know what? I’m hungry. Going to get myself some creamed onions. Everyone loves creamed onions! Be right back. We seem to now be in the Old School Portion of the match, because literally everyone has someone in a headlock, and likely aren’t going to move a muscle for, like, an hour, so I think I’ll just let this place. Be right back!

As the crowd stirs, waiting on the next piece of action to entertain them.

Tonight was a night of celebration as Chris Page, the Head of CCPE came out from the back. With him is one of his clients, Elijah Martin. The two head to ringside, Elijah rolls under the ropes to enter the ring as Chris Page makes his way to the steel stairs. Stepping along the apron, he toutes and mouths off with some fans in disguise. Entering the ring, he holds up a manilla envelope. After getting a couple of mics, Chris Page speaks to the people.

Chris Page: "After months of swooning. Months of travel expenses paid for, hotels booked and being treated like a rich kid living off his Father's wealth.. It is time to make it official! It is time to WELCOME Jason Cashe into the CCPE!"

A mix of reactions from the 'local show' audience. Elijah Martin had his head down, pacing around the ring. He didn't look all that happy.

Chris Page: "Without wasting anymore time, let's get Cashe out here to sign this contract!"

"Ready or Not" rolls in and the crowd is more for him than against him as Jason Cashe shoves the curtain to the side and appears under a spotlight. Dressed like it was casual Friday at the office, he was wearing flip flops with tube socks. Shorts and a white tee. Inside the ring, Chris Page clapped but Elijah didn't so much even look towards the entrance way.

Jogging up the steel stairs just as Page did, Cashe bounces in between the ropes to join them inside the ring. Page greets him with a handshake. Cashe accepts and the two shake hands as a few cameras flash in the crowd.

Chris Page: "I'm glad this day has finally arrived!"

Nodding, Cashe waited as another microphone was offered.

Chris Page: "This roster, those a part of the Chronic Chris Page Enterprises are the names of names! The rising stars of yesterday, today and tomorrow and I for one am thrilled to have you a part of that!"

Now with a mic in hand, Cashe joins the conversation. Making eye contact with Elijah Martin momentarily before turning to Page.

Jason Cashe: "All this was really unnecessary.. We could have signed this backstage."

Chris Page: "Are you kidding?"

Waving around as if to showcase the live audience, Page ends with pointing directly at the hard camera.

Chris Page: "We want the WORLD to know! We want every Professional Wrestling fan who cheers and boos, who pays for the tickets and merchandise to SEE! To see that right here in this ring.. We have the most vital two pieces of the Anarchy roster standing together!"

Cashe's eyebrows raise. Elijah Martin scoffs and continues to pace around in the background of the conversation. Looking from Cashe to Elijah, Chris Page questions the elephant in the room.

Chris Page: "We are together right? Elijah.."

Finally his pacing stopped. The former Anarchy Champion and self proclaimed 'King of Anarchy' grins and moves towards Page. He takes the mic from the Warfare GM.

Elijah Martin: "I know where I stand. I didn't hesitate and drag along this signing process.."

Turning to look Cashe right in the eyes, Elijah adds.

Elijah Martin: "You did! Maybe this guy can't cut it… But hey! Not my call at the end of the day, right?"

Cashe doesn't hesitate to respond.

Jason Cashe: "No, it's not. You got something you want to say Elijah? Speak your words!"

Stepping towards Cashe, the two started going in for a kiss.. Or forehead to forehead as people do, who knows what they were GONNA do. Chris Page got between them, taking the microphone from Elijah.

Chris Page: "This does NOT work if we're not on the same page! It just doesn't.."

Jason Cashe: "Getcha boy cause I'm chill like a pill. It's him all worked up like he snorts bath salts…"

Elijah Martin: "FUCK YOU!"

He didn't need a mic for that to get picked up on audio.

Chris Page: "Alright guys.. Let's not get overheated!"

Pushing Elijah back with a hand against his chest. Page was able to calm the situation. Again, Elijah went back into a pace but it was fueled more than before. He was breathing heavily.

Chris Page: "Let us use this! Unite and use that to fuel your climb to the top of Anarchy! In one of the limited seats in the Throne Room! Your girlfriends are friends! Let us find a common ground!"

Stopping in front of Elijah, Page places a hand on his client's shoulder.

Chris Page: "This is good for us.. I want to get this deal done but… If you are completely against it.. I won't. I need you to be okay with this.."

There was some hesitation but Elijah nodded. Agreeing and forcing himself to put his frustrations aside.

Chris Page: "Fantastic!"

The man almost clicks his heels together in excitement. Turning and hurrying over to Cashe, Page offers him the manilla envelope.

Chris Page: "This is the official Chronic Chris Page Enterprises Contract! Let me help you help yourself! Be a part of greatness!"

Taking the envelope, Cashe puts the mic under his arm as he opens the envelope up and pulls out the paperwork.

Chris Page: "Here! I have a pen!'

Pulling a ballpoint from his jacket, Page hands it to Cashe.

Chris Page: "Just three signatures.. Page One and twice on page two."

Nodding in response, Cashe fumbles his mic as he gets it to his mouth.

Jason Cashe: "Elijah. To show a sign of us patching things up.. Let me use your back to sign this!"

Elijah gives Cashe a crazy glare.

Jason Cashe: "I promise I won't literally stab you in the back! Trust!"

He couldn't use Page because Page had a wild leather jacket on that didn't have much space for signing some paperwork. Elijah reluctantly turns around to give Cashe his back. Placing the contract to Elijah's back. Scribbling on the contract, Cashe flips to page two and scribbles again in two different spots.

Chris Page: "It's OFFICIAL!"

After sliding the contract back into the envelope. Cashe hands it to Chris Page. Wanting to see the ink dry, Page pulls the papers out once more and looks at the signatures. Confusion fills his expression as Cashe speaks in his microphone.

Chris Page: "You drew a picture of a dick?"

Jason Cashe: "Yeah, this is kind of a dick move! Please welcome My NEW Representation.. Theo PRYCE!"

"Points of Authority" by Linkin Park plays and true to his word, Theo Pryce steps out from the back to a LOUD reception from the live audience. Chris Page becomes livid! Elijah Martin immediately plows into Cashe from behind with a stiff clothesline. Cashe pops up but Elijah is clubbing down onto him before he can stand tall. Cashe throws a few body shots. Gets to his feet and the two trade hands.

Left from Cashe
Right from Martin
Left from Cashe
Right from Martin

Page was focused on Theo as the two had history and words were being exchanged as Theo headed down the ramp. Cashe ducks a wide swing from Elijah, dips behind and snaps him up and over with a Tiger Suplex! Elijah rolls after hitting the canvas and as Cashe gets up to stick on Elijah, he is met with a Spinning Back Elbow to the face from Chris Page!

The two begin stomping away at Cashe, not letting him get to his feet. Theo Pryce breaks into a rush as he rounds the ring and grabs a folding chair. Sliding into the ring with the equalizer, Theo was there to help HIS new client. Both Chris Page and Elijah Martin flee the ring.

With the cheers pouring down around them from the crowd. Theo Pryce helps Cashe to his feet as the CCPE walks backwards up the entrance ramp. Making it official as the first person to turn DOWN CCPE..

Okay, I’m back. Nothing weird happened, right? Like, nothing that was completely and utterly against the flavor or location of tonight’s card? Didn’t think so. Mang, those creamed onions were GOOD!

Alright, let’s see where we are: We’re down to Graves, Herschel, Double C (#ItsCanon #YoureWelcome), the Strangler, C-Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalz, and That Idiot’s Obese Cousin Vicky.

And TODD?!

How the hell is TODD still here?!

Ya know what, I don’t have time for this. If I don’t hurry, SOMEONE is going to get SUPER mad about things not being up in a reasonable time, and believe you me, you do NOT what to see that DM! Usually it’s just a group sex kinda thing, right? But THIS won’t be, so let’s cut to the big finish….

Annnnnnnnnd

um

why

Why is Todd ripping his shirt off?

WOAH! DUDE IS RIPPED!

HE'S HULKING UP?!

HUGE clothesline…no, a freakin LARIAT…to C-Baaalz! Over the rope he goes!

Eliminated: C-Baalz

Running dropkicksault to The Strangler and now HE'S over the top, too?!

Eliminated: The Aroostook Strangler

He's tuning up the band, now? Now way! Massive superkick sends That Idiot’s Obese Cousin Vicky over the ropes!

Eliminated: Vicky Barnes(??)

Run, Cage! RUN! OH JEEZ WHAT SPEAR! Picked up and dumped over!

Eliminated: Cage Coleman

Sweet Jesus, only Graves and Herschel are left. They stare at each other…talking about working together…smart…annnnnd Graves just pushed Herschel into a GOOZLE before doing the smart thing and bailing out of the ring.

Eliminated: Michael Graves

Chokeslam over the top?!

Eliminated: Herschel Kiss

I can't believe it. I just don't believe it. Last night, Todd the Eternal Intern outlasted 18 other-

Annnnd there's the low blow from Generic Heel.

Over the top and BOOM!

Winner: The Generic Heel

Okay, so it turns out that GH WAS, in fact, the 20th competitor all along and he won his own battle royal. Honestly, if you didn't see that coming, that's on you.

Tune in NEXT time as we return to the BEST tournament there has ever been, the Plump Pigeon Tournament!

#Sar1ClimAXLY!

#FuckDannyDanger

kthanxbye 💋💋💋

MollyBarnes · (04-22-2022)

Fuckin' rigged, innit? No way she got that far! I'll never hear the bloody end of this!! This is just like when me auntie Jackie came in 3rd place in that steak and kidney pie eating contest. Called herself the 'Pride of Prestwich for five fuckin' years!

T.H.U.G.S · (04-29-2022)

After the show went off air, we see the THUGS in their makeshift offices watching the proceedings from earlier today on a small CRT TV.

"Man, who knew that Page's member of his clique would tell him to fuck off, this is what the show needs not some bullshit where a buncha piefaces wasting screen time!"

"Hey man, at least they bothered to show out instead of staying home, and collecting those bounced Sar checks that Vinny signs every two weeks."

"Hey now, at least there WAS a show, i don't give too much flowers to Sarah but she did her thing, even if we all knew that her hombre Generico Heelio would win the whole thing in the first place."

"You got that right."

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Anarchy - 4/21/22
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