EVEN MAINER MAIN EVENT Sarah Lacklan
- vs -
"Big Puddin'" Kerschel Kiss Five Count Match!
A typical three count won't do - it's gotta be five!
Referee: MARTY
The pyro is NUTS as all the Mormons in attendance stand perfectly still, refusing to dance. They politely nod and smile as the camera pans by all of them, and one holds up a sign that reads “MORONI AND THE GOLDEN PLATES 4 EVA.” Another has a sign that says “THE SALAMANDER WAS A LIE, WE KNEW IT ALL ALONG!”
Cameras finally find “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane seated at his ringside announce booth, and he smiles wide for the XWF’s worldwide fans.
Vinnie Lane: “Hey everyone! Welcome to-”
EYES
ON
ANARCHY
Vinnie Lane: “DANG IT!!!”
The Sal Tlay Ka Sitians give the expected mixed reaction as the house lights dim and the red spotlight shines down on the entrance ramp. As per the new usual, Vinnie sighs inwardly as his intro is cut off by the appearance of a deep burgundy dress filled with enough sequins to seem the most glorious disco ball to ever grace Studio 54’s ceiling.
Sarah: Welcome, everyone, to THE next edition of THE best wrestling brand in THE best company in the world! My name is Sarah Lacklan-
She flips her elaborate braid back and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile.
-YOUR Anarchy Commissioner And tonight, on Thursday Night Anarchy, you are going to see the BEST in wrestling! Ladies and gentlemen, you will notice a DISTINCT lack of nonsense and silliness tonight. With a lone exception of hardcore junk, you will notice that Vinnefred Guinevere Lane booked a night of good, old-fashioned, God-approved wrestling. That’s right...tonight! You will...
See! The Internet Championship defended as Barney ‘President of the Elliot Page Fan Club’ Green attempts to fight off the challenge of our latest member of the roser who thinks swearing is a personality
See! Scarlet and Ash going at it in a contest with no stakes or importance which would probably still Main Event a LAW pay-per-view
See! Tula trying to stay awake long enough to defeat Narcoleptic Ned
See! An amazing performance by THE world’s best large choir, YOUR Tabernacle
See! A member of the Thuggies...I forget which one... getting a ‘gimme’ match against some local guy who is being ‘paid’ in leftover scraps from the buffet
See! The up-and-comer Quiet Storm...really gotta get with her on that tabs legit terrible moniker...facing the grave challenge of our big money man
See! Some random pairing of BOBites go against YOUR Anarchy Champion and the Blue Pill Chomper
And!
AND!
In the MAINER event OF the evening…
See! YOUR Anarchy Commissioner, fresh out of her corner and giving you the State of Anarchy, going one-on-one with the unmitigated HORROR that is the Kiss man.
Stay in your seats, Baby Birds...well, except for the potty break while Burning Bright is playing, obvs...and enjoy this edition of the XWF’s ‘A’ show!
INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP
Barney Green - vs -
Dean Rose Internet Rules!
Referee: Virginia Hymen
The lights go purple and Dean Rose makes his way to the ring, getting a polite but not exuberant spatter of applause from the Mormon crowd.
Vinnie Lane: “Believe it or not, that’s a lively response from these guys! I think I even saw an untucked shirt!”
"Realize" By AC/DC starts to play as the fans start booing. Out walks Barney Green, dressed in his garbage man uniform. He slowly walks out and starts arguing back with the fans. He reveals his trash can and dumps a bunch of trash out of it onto the fans. He slowly enters the ring as fans start throwing garbage back at him. He waits in the corner as the music fades.
Vinnie Lane: “Here’s the reigning Internet Champion, a fan favorite and a stalwart of the XWF, ‘The Daddy of Violence’ Barney Green! Did you see the way he barked at those Mormons? They backed off like Joseph Smith did in Nauvoo, Illinois!”
Virginia Hymen holds up the Internet Title as both men look each other up and down. She calls for the bell!
DING! DING! DING!!!
Vinnie Lane: “We’re underway here on Anarchy! And Barney is coming in HOT!”
Green steamrolls Dean Rose with a running clothesline that knocks him down as if he were hit by a locomotive! Green right away looks to dismember Rose with a Garvin Stomp to his extremities.
Rose rolls to safety, leaving the ring under the bottom rope and grabbing Green by the ankles and tripping him up. He drags Barney out to the floor and hooks his arm around Barney’s head, slamming him backward into the apron with a standing STO! Barney slides onto his butt on the outside and Dean makes him pay for it with a hard knee right to the chest.
Rose continuously smashes the back of Barney’s head against the apron, digging his thumbs into Green’s eye sockets. Finally Barney shoves him back hard into the guard rail, standing and leaping over the rail with a massive cross body that sends them both out into the crowd!
Vinnie Lane: “Oh wow, those Mormons got right out of the way and started handing pamphlets to Barney and Dean. So polite!”
Barney and Dean throw hands like crazy out amongst the Latter-Day Saints. Barney then reaches into his pants and pulls out a fork… no wait, it’s even worse… it’s a SPORK!
Barney takes the metal spork and DRAGS IT ACROSS HIS OWN FOREHEAD! Dean Rose hesitates just a second seeing Barney bloody himself, and it gives Barney the opening he needs to send a boot into Rose’s abdominals… DDT on the floor!
Vinnie Lane: “Virginia Hymen has already completely lost control here, she abandoned her ten count and is outside the ring trying to get these two to return to the squared circle!”
Barney grins at Hymen and smears some of his forehead blood onto her referee shirt. Hymen is flabbergasted!
Dean Rose found that spork on the floor and just jammed it into Barney’s larynx! Barney is down and hacking and coughing, and now it’s Rose’s turn to drag those tines across his own forehead! Both men are bloody messes!
Green is sent tumbling back over the railing by Rose, who follows him over. Rose then enters the ring and raises his arms, celebrating. Barney Green struggles to find his feet and then slides into the ring after Rose.
Dean Rose hits the ropes as Barney starts to get to his feet, and as he rebounds at Green he gets caught in a massive Black Hole Slam! That shook the ring!
Barney with a cover!
1!
2!!
Rose with a shoulder up!
Vinnie Lane: “Unbelievable resilience from Dean Rose! That slam almost knocked ME out, and I’m sitting behind a desk!”
Green looks for a big elbow drop but comes up empty when Rose rolls out of the way. Rose then rolls back onto Green and mounts him, then hammers him with furious ground and pound. Green manages to cover up for the most part, but a lot of those shots find their mark before Barney grabs the family jewels between Rose’s legs!
Barney squeezes the berries and Dean Rose’s face goes purple with pain as he’s fully ensnared in the testicular torture trap! Barney cranks it! And again! Virginia Hymen pounds on Barney’s hand, counting up to five when Barney finally lets go of those bruised plums.
Vinnie Lane: “Referee Hymen really letting a lot of leeway here… she knows it’s a tile match and she wants to see a real winner just like the rest of us!”
Dean Rose stands but is in bad shape, doubled over and clutching at his damaged goods. Barney gets to his feet and grabs Dean by the ears, throwing him into a corner where he’s set up in a seated position against the bottom turnbuckle.
Barney takes a lap around the ring to get some speed and then flies into Rose with a cannonball!
Nobody home!
Green hits nothing but buckle as Dean Rose hops up onto the second rope, showing some great agility. He then jumps down onto Green with a full double stomp right to the face!
Vinnie Lane: “WOW! What impact! Dean with a cover!”
Rose hooks a leg, and Hymen drops for a count…
1!
2!!
Green powers out!
Rose is sent to his hands and knees as Green rolls onto his side. Rose kneels and holds his hands palms up in front of him, watching as they fill up with red blood from his shredded forehead.
Vinnie Lane: “Both these men are losing a LOT of blood from that spork stunt… I don’t know how either of them are still conscious!”
Barney gets to his feet as does Dean Rose. They turn towards each other and Barney looks ready to grab Rose in a bear hug… but Dean Rose tosses thoe two handfuls of blood into Barney’s eyes!
Barney Green grabs his face, blinded, and Dean Rose takes advantage - Rose locks up and turns Green around… HANGMAN’S NECKBREAKER!
Vinnie Lane: “What an impact on that neckbreaker - I think it lived up to its name!”
Dean Rose leaps onto Green, hooking a leg!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Dean Rose
Vinnie Lane: “Oh my god! Dean Rose did it! He beat the Daddy of Violence and won the Internet Title in only his second Anarchy Match!
Scarlet "The Hunteress" Donaldson
- vs -
Ash Quinn
Referee: Richard Wang
Purple lights flash as Demons by Icon for Hire starts up and Ash walks out crouched, eyes sweeping the crowd. They give her a bit of a pop as the music picks up and she runs down to the ring sliding under the bottom rope. Jumping up on the turn buckle she pumps her fist to the beat while the crowd gives her a bit of love. Ash hops down while referee Richard Wang comes over and chats with her for a moment. She brushes him off and heads to the corner to wait on her opponent.
Vinnie Lane: "Well here we go with a bit of a grudge match here. Ash Quinn is about to take on The Huntress and there is a bit of history between these two. They definitely didn’t hold back heading into this match either."
Eye of the Tiger plays and from the back steps Scarlet The Hunteress Donaldson. She kneels down at the top of the stage, and acts like she is looking for footprints of her opponents. Then the Misfits Manager Antony The Jerk joins her, and they both head to the ring. Antony points at Ash Quinn while barking instructions at Scarlet as they approach ringside. Antony stays on the outside of the ring while Scarlet enters and immediately gets in Ash’s face. Richard Wang makes them separate before officially starting the match.
As soon as the bell rings the two women race to meet each other and begin trading vicious punches. They go back and forth to the delight of the crowd while Antony yells from outside the ring. Ash goes to shove her into the corner but Scarlet reverses and throws Ash there instead. She drives her shoulder into Ash’s stomach repeatedly before backing off for a moment. She runs back at her looking for a corner clothesline but Ash somersaults out of the way. Ash clips Scarlet with a shuffle side kick to the gut to back her into the corner.
Now Ash begins to bury her shoulder into Scarlet’s midsection multiple times. She grabs hold of Scarlet by the head and presses her face onto the top rope. She starts grinding her face along the rope until Scarlet cries out in pain and shoves her away. Ash tries to come back with a clothesline but Scarlet stops her with a back elbow to the side of her head. Ash stumbles back as Scarlet cracks her with another back elbow to the jaw. She goes to scoop Ash up for a power slam but Ash slides behind her and drops Scarlet with a reverse DDT. She hooks a leg for a cover.
1!
2!!
Kick out by Scarlet!
Vinnie Lane: "Ash with the nice counter there! Coming off some tough weeks lately she’s trying to get back on track with a big win tonight."
Ash gets back to her feet and stomps on Scarlet a few times before dragging her back up. She hooks her for a suplex but as she hoists her up Scarlet drops down behind her instead. Ash turns with a spinning back fist but Scarlet manages to duck under it. She goes for a super kick but Ash catches it and spins her around and hits her with a stiff forearm shot to the mouth. Scarlet stumbles back as Ash sizes her up. She goes for a running clothesline but Scarlet ducks under and catches Ash with a German suplex with a bridge.
1!
2!!
Kick out by Ash!
Scarlet gets back up while Ash recovers. She jumps on top of Ash and starts pounding on her before Richard Wang pulls her off and gives her a warning. Antony yells at the referee while Ash pulls herself back up. Antony gets onto the apron while arguing more with referee Richard Wang. Scarlet gets in the referee’s face as well. Ash runs over and the referee moves out of the way as Ash slams into Antony, knocking him off of the apron and to the floor. Scarlet grabs Ash and they start trading shots once again while Antony rolls around in pain on the floor.
Vinnie Lane: "Not sure who the bigger jerk was there..."
Scarlet hits Ash with a few more shots to the head before Ash responds with a hard kick to the knee. Scarlet buckles and Ash grabs her and tries to go for a suplex again. Scarlet blocks it and then hauls Ash up for a suplex instead. Her knee buckled again and Ash drops beside her on her feet. Ash hits her in the knee with another hard kick. She grabs hold of Scarlet and hits a swinging neck breaker to take her down. Ash rolls over and starts applying an arm bar now. Scarlet scrambles to the ropes before Ash can fully lock it in and it takes a moment for Richard Wang to break them up.
Vinnie Lane: "It’s a hard job tonight for Wang but he’s been up to the task so far. These two really don’t like each other!"
They break it up and Scarlet pulls herself up with the ropes. Ash comes right back at her with a few stiff forearms and then tries to clothesline her over the ropes. Scarlet ducks and sends Ash over the top rope. Ash is able to land on the apron but gets nailed with an elbow to the face. Scarlet then grabs Ash by the head and drapes her neck across the ropes and snaps it down. Ash drops on the apron but holds on to the middle rope. Scarlet runs to the opposite ropes for a head of steam and then runs back at Ash, jumping up with her knees. Antony distracts Ash and she stays in place until Scarlet drives both knees into her, knocking her off the apron and to the floor.
Richard Wang leans over the ropes and yells at Antony to get out. While they argue Ash pulls herself up and then grabs Antony, tossing him viciously into the steel steps head first. Ash yells something at him before climbing back onto the apron. Scarlet drills her with a knee to the face before she can enter the ring. Scarlet hooks her while Ash’s legs are across the middle rope. Scarlet then drops her on her head with a DDT. Scarlet makes the cover.
1!
2!!
THR...NO!!! Kick out by Ash!
Vinnie Lane: "Close call there as Wang almost pounded that mat for the three!"
Scarlet gets up and gets into Richard Wang’s face while Ash rolls over and tries to get up. Scarlet turns and grabs hold of Ash by the hair. She pulls her in and sets up for a pedigree but Ash counters out of it into a wrist lock. She then hooks her by the neck and hits an inverted DDT. Ash pushes herself back up, runs and jumps onto the middle rope and then hits a perfect lionsault onto Scarlet. Ash then hooks the leg for the cover.
1!
2!!
THR...NO!!! Kick out by Scarlet!
Vinnie Lane: "Ash almost put the Hunteress away with one of her own preferred moves!"
Ash looks frustrated as she sends Scarlet into a corner with a whip. Scarlet hits the buckles but braces herself when Ash leaps in with a splash, catching Quinn in mid-air and lifting her up, then dropping her jaw-first across the buckles!
Scarlet hops onto the top rope and drags Ash up by the hair, then steps onto the ring post and bends Ash over on the top turnbuckle, setting her up for a piledriver!
THE HUNT IS OVER!!!
Scarlet drives Ash’s skull into the mat from the top of the ring post, and Ash is out COLD!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Scarlet “The Hunteress” Donaldson
Vinnie Lane: "What a win for the Misfit! Scarlet with a decisive victory tonight!"
Scarlet rolls out of the ring while Ash is still recovering in the ring. Scarlet grabs a steel chair and rolls back into the ring with the weapon. She drills Ash across the back from behind with the chair, knocking her to the ground. Richard Wang yells for help as Scarlet stands over Ash rising the chair up over her head. The crowd begins to buzz as Marf hops the barricade and rolls into the ring. He grabs the chair and rips it away from Scarlet who turns around in shock. Marf drops the chair and motions for her to leave while staring at the fallen Ash.
Scarlet looks to leave but then suddenly attacks Marf. She hits him with a few elbows before Marf grabs hold of her and levels her with a belly to belly suplex. At this point the crowd is booing as Lycana and Ethos appear on each side of the ring. They enter the ring while Scarlet struggles to get back up. Marf grabs her and hauls her up with a bear hug. He drapes her over his shoulder and falls back while Lycana runs over and hits the jumping DDT on her. Scarlet is laid out while Antony rolls into the ring still stunned from earlier.
Vinnie Lane: "What in the world is happening? The Left Hand have stopped Scarlet from attacking Ash with a chair after the match but why!?"
Antony looks to grab the chair while Marf and Lycana stand over Scarlet. Ethos suddenly obliterates Antony with a huge slingshot clothesline. Antony spins almost inside out in the air before dropping to the mat. Ash slowly recovers while watching the mayhem unfold around her. Ethos hauls Antony back to his feet before wiping him out with the Passage of Time RKO. Antony is completely out as soon as he hits the mat. Lycana and Ethos roll Scarlet and Antony out of the ring and to the floor while Marf watches them smiling.
Ash gets back to her feet as Marf slowly turns his head and glares over to her. Marf pulls a microphone out of his back pocket while Lycana and Ethos stay on each side of the ring to prevent Ash from having an escape. She looks over to each of them before looking back to Marf who is slowly approaching her. He raises his left hand with a smirk before stopping a few feet from Ash. He raises the microphone up to speak.
Marf: Hiiiiii Ash! Well this is weird isn’t it? Where’s your new friends? Looks like once again you’re all by yourself. Hell, we even got here in time to save you from becoming very bonded with a steel chair. Come on Ashley you used to be better than this, getting your ass beat by Scarlet and Antony what a fall from grace. Spout your lies all you want, deep down you know in your heart you need us. Raise your left hand and admit it.
Ash looks down at her left hand before raising her right hand and flipping Marf off to a bunch of cheers from the crowd. Marf smiles and nods before booting her in the stomach and hitting The Sway. Marf stays seated while Ash is laid out beside him. He grabs the microphone again while scooting closing to Ash and stroking her hair. Ethos grabs Richard Wang and tosses him out of the ring while a few officials begin to make their way down to help. None of them enter the ring as Ethos and Lycana block the front ropes. Marf begins to talk as Ash is still down.
Marf: You know deep down, this would have never happened to you when your real family had your back. What happened Ash? Where are all your friends? Pooooooooor little Ash Quinn...
Marf gets up and Ethos hands him the steel chair. More officials begin to head down to ringside while Marf hammers the steel chair down across Ash. He passes the chair back to Ethos who then strikes the downed Ash with the chair. He then passes the chair to Lycana who slams it down several times into Ash before the officials flood the ring. Marf grabs her and they leave the back of the ring with Ethos and take off through the crowd who is booing very loudly now with the nasty assault.
Vinnie Lane: "Get them out of here that’s enough! Yet another Left Hand attack on Ash Quinn! Scarlet and Antony caught in the crossfire. But what’s worse, our precious Richard Wang has been hurt... "
Tula Keali'i
- vs -
"Notorious" Ned Kaye
Referee: John X
“The Only Thing They Fear Is You” by Mick Gordon hits the loudspeakers as Tula Keali’i steps out onto the stage. She scans the crowd with a bored expression as she wanders down the ramp to slide into the ring. She stands up and walks over to the ropes, leaning over to yell some trash to a fan in the front row before shaking her head and moving off into a corner to face the entryway as her music fades away to silence.
Vinnie Lane: "Tula Keali'i is one of the brightest stars on Anarchy, a former Anarchy Champion, but she's got her work cut out tonight... Ned Kaye has been cutting through Anarchy Champions like a hot knife through butter!"
The entire arena goes black. “Burning Bright (Field On Fire)” by Nine Inch Nails sounds as the crowd surges to their feet.
Slowly, the X-Tron begins to show scarce, glowing embers, the light of each one illuminating smoke growing at the entrance of the ramp. As the song continues, more embers are seen until a large fire is displayed on the screen. The ramp then glows Ned's famous blue, revealing a silhouette in the smoke. Slowly stepping from the fog is none other than Notorious Ned Kaye. He stops for a moment, calming himself in front of the clamoring crowd. He lifts an arm, eyeing the stands to watch the many audience members who follow suit. With a single smile, he drops his arm and rushes towards the ring, slipping in from under the bottom rope, picking himself up immediately.
Vinnie Lane: "And here he is now, "Notorious" Ned Kaye, who lately has been notorious for beating former Anarchy Champions!"
Ned stands and stares at Tula as she smirks at him from her corner, pushing off to step towards him slowly. Ref John X gets in between and makes her stop, not about to have any funny business go down on his watch. He makes her wait an extra couple of seconds before signaling for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!!!
Vinnie Lane: "John X is NOT a dude to tolerate rule breaking!"
Tula and Ned lock up in the center of the ring, Ned quickly gains the upper hand with a twisting wrist lock. Tula rolls through, and reverses back with one of her own on Ned. She wrenches at his arm with a wringer then yanks him in for a side headlock take down, slamming Ned down onto the mat and locking the hold on tight. She powers hard, pushing Ned’s shoulders so they just brush the mat, but he jerks one back up before the ref can even count.
He slowly powers up to his knees as Tula fights to keep him grounded. He manages to get a foot under him, then the other, and throws an elbow into Tula’s gut loosening her hold enough for him to wrap his arms around her waist. He hauls her up and over with a suplex breaking her hold completely.
They both pop to their feet and go at each other once more, Tula looking to lock up but Ned slips behind her. Tula quickly responds in kind, locking the side headlock on once more.
Vinnie Lane: "Man, these two just taking turns tonight!"
Ned manages to spin out of it, going behind Tula again, she throws back an elbow sending Ned stumbling holding his nose. She runs and bounces off the ropes, coming back and ducking a clothesline from Ned. She bounces off the other side and meets a shoulder block, hitting the mat as Ned now, bounces off the ropes.
Tula rolls and Ned jumps over her. He comes back and she is ready for him, sending him down with a hip toss. She moves to get him up and he responds with a rake to the eyes. She backs away as Ned gets to his feet, grabbing Tula's arm, launching her into the corner, following through and slamming himself full force into her, crushing her body between his and the post.
He pulls her out, sending her running across the ring to hit the other corner post. She recoils backwards from the impact, turning around to eat a spinning heel kick from Ned. She crashes to the mat, crawling over to the ropes, trying to pull herself up to catch her breath. Ned comes flying in, bouncing off Tula with a Notorious Knee! She straightens up, before toppling over once more.
Ned grabs her up but she pulls a sitout jawbreaker out of nowhere! Both are laid out now, breathing hard. The ref starts the count.
1!
2!!
3!!!
4!!!!
They both start to stir at the same time, Ned rolls to his hands and knees as Tula uses the ropes to pulls herself up. Both reach their feet and turn towards each other. Catching a second wind, Tula rushes Ned, slinging rights and lefts, backing him up into the corner. She leans back and hauls off with a vicious knife edge chop.
Tula rears backwards and launches another chop across Ned’s chest. She steps back and angles a leg up, laying her boot across the throat of Ned Kaye. Ref John X counts, but Tula doesn’t back off. He gets in her face, warning her to break it up and she finally does. Ned clutches his throat, dropping down and Tula is immediately back on him, nailing him in the head with a series of strong knee strikes.
Vinnie Lane: "Tula taking out some frustration on Ned. She had better watch it, she’ll get on John’s bad side."
Ned falls forward onto the mat and Tula puts the boots to him for good measure. She drags him out away from the corner and grabs his legs, locking on the figure four. Ned claws at the mat, his eyes focused on the ropes as he battles to get over to them. Tula wrenches harder as the ref checks in with Ned, who shakes his head ‘NO’. Inch by inch, he muscles his way over, stretching his arm out as far as he can. His fingertips just brush the bottom rope and with another push, he grabs ahold of it like a lifeline.
The ref tells Tula to let go, and she drops Ned’s legs, getting in John X’s face as he refuses to back down, pointing his finger at her as they trade words. She gives him a smirk as she turns around to face Ned, who is still down.
She pulls Ned up by his hair, and he responds by throwing a nasty left hand. Tula rocks him back with a series of hard shots before sending him off into the corner. She runs for him, but he gets his legs up and her face gets a close up look at the bottom of his boots as she is taken right off her feet. She gets up and turns to meet a step-up enzuigiri by Ned. It is his turn now, to stomp on Tula, laying his boots into her ribs.
Tula tries to roll over and curl into a ball but Ned drops a knee on her. He rises, bringing her with him. He gets her up, sending her to eat canvas with a vertical suplex. He hooks the leg.
1!
2!!
Kickout by Tula!
Vinnie Lane: "Ned gaining control here, but Tula isn't ready to call it quits."
Ned slaps the mat but doesn’t argue. He gets back up, getting a handful of Tula’s hair and dragging her to her feet. He yanks her in for a short arm clothesline knocking her back down. Tula rolls from the ring, sliding out but hanging on to the edge of the mat. She looks up too late to see Ned sweeping in with a baseball slide that sends her catapulting backwards.
He slips from the ring after her, grabbing her head to send her face careening off the turnbuckle post. She stumbles, hands over her face. She turns back around and Ned greets her with a hard forearm strike! He grabs her by the back of the head again, introducing her face to the edge of the ring multiple times as ref John X yells at them to get back in. He sends Tula rolling under the ropes as he climbs up to stand in wait.
Ever so slowly, Tula climbs to her feet, wavering as she looks around. She slowly swivels around as Ned springboards his way back into the ring with a hurricanrana, transitioning perfectly into a headscissors submission hold!
Vinnie Lane: "WHOA, THE EGO CRUSHER! Ned's gonna do it again!"
Tula yells in pain, grasping desperately for anything but Ned has her trapped with nowhere to go. She hangs in for as long as she can, but it is too much for her. She taps wildly as the ref calls for the bell.
Winner by Submission - "Notorious" Ned Kaye
Ned raises his arms in victory, soaking in the cheers from the crowd before rolling over the top rope and heading back up the ramp to disappear behind the curtain.
The cheers start to waver a little bit as the three members of the Left Hand come through the crowd once more. Marf, Lycana, and Ethos hop the barrier and slide into the ring and head directly for the fallen Tula.
Vinnie Lane: "Dang it, not these guys again!"
John X tries to get in the way but is unceremoniously lifted into the air by Ethos and chucked over the ropes to land with a thud on the floor. Marf grabs Tula by her hair and drags her to her feet, he stands her up before swing his fist hard into her face, making her stumble directly into Lycana’s double underhook DDT. She takes her turn now, getting Tula back up and settling her palm slapping into her cheek with a resounding crack. She slams into Marf who wraps his arms around her, giving her a second to look up at his sneer before he sends her flying with a belly to belly.
They look to Ethos who had left the ring, but has now returned holding a chair. He motions to Tula and Marf gets her set up, holding her out and at the ready. Ethos swings the chair, nearly taking Tula’s head off. She crumples in a heap, but doesn’t lay there for long. Ethos picks her up, holding her snugly against his body as he starts a series of suplexes on Tula. The Dissentients watch on with pleased expressions as after seven in a row, Ethos drops Tula’s limp body to the mat where she sprawls, like a rag doll. He is lifting her up for a powerbomb when the crowd goes absolutely insane.
Vinnie Lane: "It's Ned Kaye! He’s back! End this crap!"
Alerted by the noise, Lycana slides from the ring and meets him as he runs down the ramp. The two start trading wild blows on the outside of the ring. Ned grabs her and there is an echoing clang as he sends her crashing into the steps. He moves over her and she responds with a low blow, doubling him over as she pulls herself to her feet. Meanwhile, in the ring Marf and Ethos have been taking turns methodically destroying Tula, blood streaming from her lip.
Ethos holds her in a bear hug, a tight grip on her left arm, holding it out for Marf who produces a small hacksaw out of nowhere. He holds it up with a wildly sadistic smile on his face before lowering it towards Tula’s wrist. The teeth of the blade just kiss her flesh when a mob of security and XWF personnel stream down the ramp and flood the ring. Marf and Ethos are forced to release Tula, shaking off the grabbing hands of security, exiting the ring and slowly backing away.
Lycana spies her teammates and disengages with Ned, giving him a hard shove back as she scampers off to reunite with them. They all hop over the barrier as Ned joins the crowd in the ring, leaning over the ropes to point to the Left Hand. Ethos lifts his left hand high, then makes a slicing motion to his throat. Marf curls his lip in derision, shaking his head. Lycana merely blows Ned a saucy kiss as the trio turn and slink their way into the crowd and disappear.
Vinnie Lane: "Good riddance! Took help long enough to get out here!"
MUSICAL BREAK!
A PERFORMANCE BY THE TABERNACLE CHOIR OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS!
Vinnie Lane: "We are in for a real treat now, everyone... The Mormon Tabernacle Choir! Take it away, Mormons!"
The choir starts up and there isn't a dry eye in the audience as they begin their performance. The audience is LIT for this thing, boy, like you have NO IDEA.
Vinnie Lane: "So beautiful... just such amazing talent in these folks... hey... wait a second... that looks like Thunder Knuckles and Chris Page! And Oswald! What are the BOB boys doing here??"
TK shoves some of the choir members down and Page lights up a fat doob right on the stage, scaring away the devout organ player and stealing his seat.
Then, a HUGE Mormon gets into TK's face.
Vinnie Lane: "Uh oh... I'm being told that this guy is the Mormon Ultimate Fighting Champion, TABERKNUCKLES!
Vinnie Lane: "My god... he's HUGE!"
Taberknuckles: "LISTEN UP TK! You're about to be a Latter-Day AIN'T!!!"
Taberknuckles lifts Thunder Knuckles in a gorilla press and throws him right off the stage!
Chris Page stands up and looks around, motioning for Big Money to have TK's back...
IT'S LIZA MINNELLI WITH A CHAIR AGAIN!!!!
Liza hammers Oswald with a chair, repeatedly smashing it into his skull until Mormon security pulls her away. Chris Page looks on in shock... and then someone drops the dead body of John Denver onto him from a trap door in the ceiling! It's as if the Mormons knew that BOB would have something up their sleeve!
Vinnie Lane: "Page got his wish, John Denver, who died in 1997 and has like NOTHING to do with North Dakota just arrived and made a statement! Well, sort of! His corpse just took Page out at least!"
With all the BOB terrorists taken care of, the choir resumes its performance, getting a standing ovation at the conclusion.
[Vinnie Lane: "That was amazing... but for BOB? That was Taber-NASTY!"
Lord Raab
- vs -
John Black
Referee: HoloRef Dot Gif
Monster by Skillet plays over the sound system as Lord Raab comes out through the curtain wearing his green and black wrestling trousers with his nickname The Green Disease German Monster on the front of them with Monster Energy logos on the side of his trousers with black gloves on both of his hands and wears a black and green mask and ignores the fans as he goes up the stairs before going in-between the ropes and crouches down in the corner moving backwards and forwards, rubbing his hands and moving his neck around while looking at his opponent with anger in his eyes while waiting for the match to start.
Vinnie Lane: "The Green Disease Lord Raab is here after nearly killing a woman on live television last Anarchy! Look at this freak of nature... he's on a mission to get his hands on Commissioner Lacklan, and it looks like he's willing to go through the anarchy roster to do it!"
Gun shots sounds blast on the X-Tron, the smoke arises on the entrance way and the camera pans around the arena, and then it pin points Black who's coming out of the entrance stage. He takes a look around the ring, and he walks down the ring ignoring some of the fans, then he gets to the steel steps he goes at it with one of the fans, and he pushes one of them on the floor. Then JB smiles and climbs the steps and enters the ring, then stands in the ring rising a fist in the air.
Vinnie Lane: "What a ride JB has been on lately! My guy is racking up wins left and right, and showing everyone exactly why he is Mister .38 Speacial!"
JB gets in the ring and jawjacks with Raab, who just stares at him from the opposite corner.
Vinnie Lane: "Joining me at ringside for this match is the WaD himsel! The host of WaD's Odds, XWF's own bookie! What's up my man?"
WaD: “It ain’t awful ta be ‘ere, so that’s a good first impression. I’m glad to be speakin’ on this match because both fighters are toughened sons o’ bitches and I love to see a good brawl! I expect a lil’ extra you-know-what considerin’ you got a fuckin’ jpeg of a ref out there.”
Vinnie Lane: (Vinnie mentions that WaD will get extra pay when WaD fulfills his contractual obligation for Snow Job betting odds.)
WaD: “Alright, now look! The booth is nowhere to be chattin’ business, Mistah Lane. I don’t quite appreciate you throwin’ that in my face right now when we’re trying to focus on Mr. Raab and Mr. Black! Let’s just call the match!”
The HoloRef sounds the mp3 file of the bell!
DING! DING! DING!!!
Black and Raab waste no time at all locking up in the center of the ring, each trying to gain early control of the match! Breaking free, Raab goes to lock his arm around Black’s neck, only to eat a rough blow to the midsection. Falling back somewhat, Raab gets in a stance to start trying to deliver some boxing punches to John, missing his head, but catching him the shoulder! John bounces off the ropes to attempt a dropkick on Lord Raab, but misses and falls to the mat. Seeing an opportunity, Raab grabs Black’s legs for a boston crab! Still full of energy, JB begins to quickly drag them towards the ropes, only for The Green Monster to begin hammering away on his left leg, dropping his right one in order to do so! John kicks Raab of off him with his right leg, using the ropes as leverage to easily pick himself up.
WaD: “Smart of John to go the extra little bit to the ring ropes just to get to his feet quicker. He knows how badly a fight can go if you waste any time at all letting your opponent control you on the ground. Hell, he’s a mastah at the strat himself!”
Raab rushes at Black to clothesline him over the top rope, but John slips around him and locks in a rear naked choke! Raab tries to grab behind him, but he just can’t get a hold of JB! He lifts John off of his feet, but Black isn’t breaking the hold! Manuevering his back to the turnbuckles, Raab backpedals into them, sandwiching John between flesh and the padded steel! John loses his grip, grabbing his back as Raab regains his breath. Black capitalizes on his quicker recovery and rushes Raab, hitting a DDT in the center of the ring! Right as Raab gets back up to his feet, JB wraps his arms around the Green Monster and suplexes him toward the ring post!
WaD: “John betta make sure he doesn’t let up because a pissed off Lord Raab is about as fun to be around as my ex-wife.”
Vinnie Lane: "Which one, dude? Seems like marriage is a gamble you lose a lot! Raab might divorce JB from consciousness here in a sec..."
Black delivers a few quick stomps to keep Raab on the ground as the crowd chants his name. Feeling their energy, he climbs to the top rope and leaps for the diving elbow drop! But Raab rolls out of the way, leaving John to plummet elbow first into the mat! Raab pulls John off of the ground, delivering a brutal chokeslam to JB! The Chokeinator rocks John somewhat after the missed top rope move, allowing Raab to lift his head up and bash John’s face with repeated knee strikes.
Vinnie Lane: "YIKES! JB is busted open! That forehead skin is thinner than skim milk!"
Color begins to drip down Black’s face, Raab grinning as he smears the blood into Black’s eyes! Raab slips out of the ring, dragging John by the leg over to the ring post and slams John’s left ankle into the steel repeatedly until JB pulls his leg in, clearly feeling the damage. Pulling himself back into the ring, Raab yanks Black to his feet and hits him with a release German suplex! He goes for the cover, pressing two hands onto John’s chest!
1!
KICKOUT!
JB defiantly kicks out at one! Lord Raab can be visibly seen becoming more angered as he realizes tat John has no interest in breaking this easily.
WaD: “Y’know, if I was in JB’s position, I mighta given him the extra second cuz I don’t see Raab letting up at all after this. How do you compete with all that powah?”
Vinnie Lane: "I think JB is trying to get Raab mad on purpose, hoping it throws him off his game!"
Raab stands up, watching as John does this same, his left leg doing him no favors. Raab grabs Black’s head and headbutts him, causing JB to fall to one knee! John rises back up and returns the favor with a headbutt of his own! In response, Raab repeatedly headbutts John until John nearly crumples to the ground, but barely manages to keep standing as Raab approaches! JB sweeps Raab’s legs and locks in a crippler crossface!
WaD: “Well, John bought himself a little time. He betta cash it in wisely.”
Vinnie Lane: "Raab really worked JB's legs, that's going to make it hard for JB to get his signature offense in!"
Raab drags them to the ropes, getting a fist firmly on the bottom rope to break the hold. Knowing he can’t let Raab regain control of the match, JB lifts Lord Raab up in a torture rack, leaning on the ropes to keep pressure off of his left leg. He transitions into a DDT, hitting his trademark Ruckus Driver and going for the pin with a single leg hook!
1!
TW- KICKOUT!
John assesses the situation in a short moment and drags Raab towards center ring, locking in his Real Raw liontamer! He has it in deep, but Raab goes after that weak left leg to break free! He kicks at it and attempts to flip them both over! It works! Raab bends JB into a pretzel reversing the lion tamer! JB looks like he's in agony!
Just then, on the Anarcho-Tron...
Raab drops the hold and spins toward the entrance in a furor... he screams for Sarah to show herself, assuming she is making an entrance!
JB grabs him from behind in a rollup!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - John Black
Vinnie Lane: "Raab doesn't even seem to care about losing the match, he just bolted from the ring looking for Sarah!"
WaD: “That goes to show you just how important intuition is in a fight! Black had the experience, he had the knowledge and he was able to use it to turn ‘round a tough match! Hey, speakin’ of intuition, if you got that and a little cash, why not gamble it for this year’s WaD’s Odds: March Madness! I’ll payout 90% of the time this year!”
Vinnie Lane: "Joey, people should waste their money on all the new XWF merch, not in your casino!"
Sarah Lacklan rummages through a pile of papers atop the desk in her impromptu office within the bowels of the Huntsman Center. She looks sharp in her black and green business suit (all those party-goes can take a shot for “S.S.G-L Wardrobe Change”) but her eyes look haggard.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Sarah looks up at the soft knock and sees Solace Tatum looking in from the doorway.
Solace: ...you asked to see me?
Sarah’s eyes go wide behind her thick glasses.
Sarah: Oh Em Gee, yes! C’mere, quick!
Solace is startled but slips into the office and comes up to the desk and Sarah shoves a handful of papers into her hands.
Sarah: Here! Files these!
Solace blinks several times.
Solace: ...what?
Sarah frantically waves towards a filing cabinet in the corner of the room.
Sarah: There! There! I don’t even care WHERE you put them, okay? They are literally all the same thing.
Sarah grumbles as she looks down at her own pile of papers.
Sarah: ...sers legit, the Swear Jar tally being imposed on the Thuggies is massive. It’s taken me WEEKS just to sift through their first promotional video, which means I haven’t even STARTED on all of the bimbo whore sexcapades in their second…sweet Mother, if I don’t find a quality assistant soon...
Solace shakes her head and walks over to the filing cabinet. Pulling a drawer open, she sees it full of color-coded papers filled with supposed infractions. She gives a shrug and files them inside.
Solace: So, did you want something else, or...AH!
Turning around, Solace finds Sarah directly in front of her, within a hair’s breadth. She again startles, being pushed back against the cabinet, and opens her mouth to speak again, but Sarah cuts her off.
Sarah: You have much to prove, Sol Searcher.
Solace stands heads-and-shoulders taller than Sarah, but the Commissioner seems to loom.
Sarah: Tonight you face Oswald, a formidable force, but the world is so much more than that. On Saturday, you have the opportunity to step further into the heeled boots of greatness, and against a fool who is better served trying to outwit whoever the current Freestyle Champion is than wrestling someone of your potential. While I have exceeding confidence in your ability to trounce Hanari ‘Such a terrible stereotype that I might as well wear a costume sombrero to the ring while riding a lawn mower and eating an empanada’ Carnes, I still wish to give you the opportunity to shine under a bright light.
Sarah steps back and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile.
Sarah: Speaking as the original March Madness Tournament winner AND as a Hanari-Dominating Expert, I was hoping you wouldn’t mind me joining you at ringside in Rhode Island. I believe that, with my advisement and tutelage, you will become something quite special here.
She extends her hand.
Sarah: Do we have an accord?
Solace looks at the commissioner's extended hand, taking in so much that was thrown her way, her bright smile grows as her eyes lift to meet Sarah's. Her hand reaches out and grasps the hand before it, shaking it.
Solace: It'd be an honor. You did more for women in this business than... anyone. Oh, and sorry about... video.
Sarah’s smile tightens into a frown.
Sarah: Yeah...funny story, that…
Big Money Oswald
- vs -
Solace Tatum X-Treme Rules!
Referee: Ari Silverstein
Solace Tatum makes her way down to the ring with a determined expression on her face, as well as a slight hint of worry.
Vinnie Lane: "Solace knows she's in the ring with a literal giant tonight. This is a unique challenge for the newcomer to the XWF!"
Oswald starts coming through the curtain, white smoke billowing from where he is emerging. As he walks out with an ornate cane, with images of skulls in gold and silver, as money falls from the rafters. The money having faces of himself. He walks forward with his cane, not even really needing it, simply using it as a prop just to show his "status" to the world. His hair tied into a tight bun laid against the back of his skull. He flips his cane in his hand, holding the base and swinging the topper from left to right as the crowd chants "MAY-HEM, B. O. B.! MAY-HEM, B. O. B.! MAY-HEM, B. O. B.! MAY-HEM, B. O. B.! " The topper of the cane is shown to reveal a platinum skull with horns literally made of onyx attached to the forehead of it. As he walks to the steps he smirks and says to the crowd as they continue to chant MAY-HEM, B. O. B. until he gets in the ring with residual chants happening. He walks to his corner, he takes off all of the top portion of his suit, from jacket to dress shirt including his tie, leaving only his pants, soon placing full attention onto his opponent.
Vinnie Lane: "And here's the Billion Dollar Man himself! Big Money looks readier than ever to bring it to his opponent here tonight!"
The bell sounds as Oswald as a slick smirk on his face looking across the ring at the smaller Solace Tatum. Ozzy walks out to the center of the ring seemingly challenging Solace to come forward. She sizes him up from a distance before walking out towards him. Ozzy lunges with a lock up only to see Solace evade by ducking under. Ozzy spins around into a series of kicks to the knee before moving away.
Vinnie Lane: "Stick and move sister! Stick and move."
It is as if Solace can hear Vinnie as Ozzy lunges forward a second time and once again Solace evades with a duck under and when Ozzy turns around he is met with another series of kicks to the side of the right knee before getting away from the big man! Ozzy starts to get frustrated as he charges towards Solace swinging with a clothesline, Solace ducks and Ozzy charges towards the ropes where he bounces off the near side and into a Superkick to the right knee which drops him to one knee! Solace backs away delivering a second Superkick to the jaw that does not drop the big man! She hits another Superkick to the jaw that does the trick and the big man falls! Solace leaps on top of Ozzy with a cover!
1!
2!!
THR…
Ozzy kicks out with authority as Solace is sent up in the air before crashing down on to the mat. Solace and Ozzy both get back to their feet with Solace getting up first as she charges towards Ozzy looking for a spinning heel kick! Oswald catches her in midair before transitioning and delivering a body slam! Oswald reaches down picking Solace up off the mat where he hoists her up with a Gorilla Press before dropping her down into a gut buster!
Vinnie Lane: "Boo this man!"
Oswald reaches his feet listening to the loud boos from the crowd before he reaches down picking Solace up off the mat. Oswald drives a knee to the midsection before he fires Solace into a neutral corner. Oswald charges in after Solace looking to deliver a High Knee! Solace dodges at the final second sending Ozzy crashing his right knee into the top turnbuckle! Solace bounces off the far side and as Ozzy turns around Solace has gained a full head of steam where she hits a low dropkick to the same right knee knocking it out from under Oswald and sending him crashing to the mat! The crowd roars for Solace as she gets back to her feet where she picks up the right leg and locks in the Figure Four Leg Lock!
Vinnie Lane: "Break his leg!! Please for the love of God break his leg!"
The referee starts asking Oswald to surrender and he quickly refuses before sitting up where he snatches Solace by the throat! Ozzy breaks the figure four before standing back up with Solace by the throat! She hoists her up in the air before driving her down into the mat with a thunderous chokeslam! Oswald rolls into the cover!
1!
2!!
THRE
Solace manages to kick out at the last possible second to a thunderous ovation from the crowd!
Vinnie Lane: "You go girl!"
Oswald gets back up to his feet where he immediately reaches down picking Solace up off the mat.He scoops her up over his shoulder where he looks to deliver a running powerslam! Solace slides down the back while shoving Oswald forward towards the center of the ring.
Solace backs up across the ring and when Oswald turns around he charges towards her looking for a diving spear!
Solace evades and it is Oswald that is sent spilling out through the top and middle ropes! Oswald hits the floor as Solace sizes him up from inside the ring, and as Oswald starts to work his way back to his feet she springs into action as she bounces off the far side and dives through the ropes connecting with a diving attack that knocks Oswald back into the announcers table which sends Vinnie dropping his headset and clearing the area.
Solace hammers away with forearm shots as the referee starts laying the count to both participants inside the ring.
Solace sticks and moves as she ducks under a Oswald punch before running him into the ring post! Oswald bounces off the post and falls down to the floor as Solace slides into the ring breaking the referee’s count only to start making her way up to the top rope. Vinnie joins us once again as he is out of harm’s way.
Vinnie Lane: "They got a little too close for comfort but now it looks like Solace has an opening!"
Oswald starts to once again get back to his feet and as he does Solace leaps off the top rope with a Moonsault down on top of Oswald sending both participants crashing on to the floor! There is a huge pop from the crowd as the referee once again starts to lay the count to both Solace and Oswald.
Solace is the first to start to stir followed by Oswald.
Solace is up first where he attempts a superkick to the jaw of Oswald as he tries to stand! Oswald catches the foot of Tatum before fully standing back to a vertical base with her foot still in his hand! He pulls Solace into a Bear Hug!
Vinnie Lane: "The referee is up to a five count as Oswald squeezes the life out of Solace Tatum!"
Oswald continues to squeeze Solace as the referee continues to count them out. Oswald releases the hold at the nine count as Solace falls to the floor and Oswald slides into the ring!
DING! DING! DING!!!
Winner by Countout - "Big Money" Oswald
Vinnie Lane: "Solace Tatum loses this match but only because a crafty veteran used the ten count to his advantage for a cheap win... nothing to be ashamed of, Solace!"
Loverboy Vinnie Lane: "Guys! We're going backstage where I'm told "Big Puddin" Herschel Kiss is standing by with some sort of announcement!"
The camera cuts backstage to Herschel walking down a hallway.
"BIG PUDDIN~!" Herschel Kiss: "Enhancement talent! That's just another word for jobber! Jobbers don't make shit around here! We're paid peanuts, literally, but you know what!? Miss Fury says I don't need to be no jobber! She says that even if I never win a single match, I can make all the fuck money I want, and all I have to do is work for BOB! Well, I'd already been wearing the T-shirt, so lets make this shit official!"
Herschel stops ion front of a door as the camera pulls back to show that it's Sarah Lacklan (and likely Kenzi's) private locker room!
"BIG PUDDIN~!" Herschel Kiss: "I was told that tonight, I'm to deliver a message to our beloved commish, and that's exactly what I'm going to do! RIGHT NOW!"
Big Puddin knocks on the door with a heavy hand.
"BIG PUDDIN~!" Yo, if you pigeons' in there, you betta stand back!"
Herschel throws his shoulder into the door and knocks it down, frame and all!
"BIG PUDDIN~!" Herschel Kiss: "KNOCK KNOCK bitches!"
Herschel surveys the locker room. He finds no sign of Sarah or Kenzi, but an unguarded gym bag catches the big man's eye.
"BIG PUDDIN~!" Herschel Kiss: "Looks like nobody's home! Guess I'll have to leave a message then!"
Herschel drops trow and crouches over the gym bag that we presume belongs to Sarah or Kenzi.
"BIG PUDDIN~!" Herschel Kiss: "I ain't wiping my ass either! See you later tonight Sarah!"
We cut back to ringside where Lane is gagging.
"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane: "Oh my... Ew! That was a BIG poop! For Herschel's sake, I hope Sarah doesn't find out until AFTER her match with him! More importantly though, was THAT the job that Fury asked Herschel to do earlier this week? He did say that he was told to deliver a message!"
THE COMMISSIONER'S CORNER!
SARAH LACKLAN DISCUSSES THE STATE OF ANARCHY!
Vinnie Lane: "Folks it's time for a State of Anarchy Address from the Commish! I'm sure she won't overdo it with too muhc pomp and circumstance, after all it's not really about SARAH so much as-"
EYES
ON
ANARCHY
Vinnie Lane: "Sigh..."
Time for all of those people playing the drinking game at home to take a shot because the Commissioner of Anarchy has had another costume change, this time wearing a black and blue pantsuit with a matching hat featuring what might well be an entire flock of peacock feathers. With a clipboard in hand, she is all Billion $$$ Smiles as she makes her way down to the ring. Some of the random XWF employees rush to fall to hands-and-knees in order to make the human stairs, because Heaven forbid Sarah utilize the steel steps, and they only grimace a little bit as she “accidentally” digs her spiked boots into them as she climbs. She takes her time wiping her feet on the apron, of course, and then climbs into the ring. In the center, a very very very short podium has been erected, and Firestarter stands behind it and adjusts the microphone as her music ends.
Sarah: Welcome to the Commissioner’s Corner!
Sarah enjoys the mixed reaction as if it were the standing ovation offered to the headliner of a Hall of Fame ceremony.
Sarah: Tonight, I wish to take a moment and tell you all of the State of Anarchy. Now, I’m sure that all of you Baby Birds out there know that, yes, the idea of ‘XWF Anarchy’ is not exactly a new one. ‘Anarchy’ has existed within the XWF for years, with shows and large events and traditional pay-per-views. But THIS Anarchy, THIS idea, is different. THIS Anarchy has been the home to the likes of Kenzi Grey-
Cheers from the crowd.
Sarah: -Ruby Debuchy-
Noticeably less cheers, because we all know who the GOAT is.
Sarah: -Vita Valenteen, Miss Fury and B.O.B., the Thuggies, Noah Jackson being Best Bros with Kuda, even a freakin’ owl. And what put it on the map, what made it not only different but important, was that the winner of the first ever March Madness Tournament used their guaranteed title shot to establish a proper Anarchy Champion. Rather than fighting for other brand-exclusive championships or getting mixed into the revolving-door lineage of the Xtreme title, that tournament winner decided it was fundamentally important to create a foundation of excellence on Anarchy. Indeed, the early days of this brand’s success are at the pleasantly petite feet of that tournament winner, and helped to instill a level of match and promo quality not seen on any other XWF avenue.
Sarah pauses and smiles.
Sarah: You’re welcome.
She enjoys her mixed reaction a little more.
Sarah: In that time, we have seen the Anarchy Championship defended in tear-jerking, hair-raising battles between some of the very best this business has to offer...andGeriLOLnevergonnaletyoulivethatdownRubes...along with the Internet Championship which...well...exists, I suppose. And since my gallant return as YOUR Anarchy Commissioner, we have found ourselves in a time where ratings have NEVER been higher, where attendance has NEVER been greater, where attitudes and quality have NEVER been as bright and shining. This is, of course, mostly due to the amazing set of ever-evolving rules and regulations I have put in place. But! We’ll get to that in a second. Before that, I wish to speak directly to the locker room.
Sarah turns her head so that she is looking down the aisle.
Sarah: Over the last few years, I have been very clear about why I am who I am. I have been very clear as to why I am not only a professional wrestler, but why I have chosen to do so on the floating island that is the XWF office. I will lead the world to the Path of the Light and bring everyone into God’s warm grace by teaching you all the majesty and glory of His will. But...why are YOU here?
Sarah licks her lips.
Sarah: The time for me to wrest full control of Anarchy booking away from Vinnefred Leticia Lane is soon upon us, and next week will see more proof of that. For next week, I want you ALL to tell me why YOU are a wrestler. Why are YOU in the XWF? Why are YOU on Anarchy? No matter what form of promotional material you decide to create, it must include you telling me WHY you are here. OR ELSE FACE TERRIBLE X-BUX FINES!
Sarah’s pale face turns as red as her odd eyes as she suddenly screams, but then her smile returns.
Sarah: Speaking of which! Let’s get to the REAL point of this State of Anarchy address...I have everyone’s fines for rule infractions totalled up and prepared to deliver. Now, if you will all turn your attention to the VinnieTron screen behind me, I have prepared a short slideshow presentation which you will find both informative AND enter-
B
B
B
BOB
WORLD
ORDER
Vinnie Lane: "Uh oh! It looks like B.O.B….or the bWo...or whatever...it’s all radical, man...have had enough of the commissioner’s nonsense! And wow, what a sexy and visceral BEAST that Herchel has turned into! He didn’t look like that when I hired him with the rest of the New Additions!”
Indeed, the influence of Miss Fury on Herschel Kiss has turned him from a lovable babyface to that of a pajama-wearing, opponent-humping smexy love machine! With, like, an evil eye. And that evil eye looks to be all business as he lumbers his way down the aisle.
Vinnie Lane: "Woah, dude! Are we going to have this match now? You can’t possibly tell me that the Mainer Event of the Evening is going to NOT close the show again?! Sarah looks PISSED.”
In the ring, Sarah is yelling at a suddenly-appeared Marty, motioning wildy to the dress she’s wearing.
Vinnie Lane: "There’s no way Sarah’s going to be able to wrestle in that dumb outfit. We’re totally going to see Herschel’s first win on Anarchy! Wow, look at the size of that man. He just walked over the top rope and-”
Suddenly, the arena lights go out, and all of the Utes scream out in fright.
Vinnie Lane: "Did Theo forget to pay the light bill again?"
With everything pitch black, a very powerful slam can be heard inside the ring, nearly shaking the arena. A few seconds later, the lights come back on revealing Sarah cowering in her corner, holding Marty in front of her as a Human Shield, but we also see Herschel Kiss laid out in the middle of the ring with a sign taped to his chest reading "FEAR ME.
Vinnie Lane: "I don't know what the hell just happened, but something tells me this WASN'T Sarah's doing."
Sarah looks around left and right, but there’s no one else in the ring or at ringside. Marty pulls himself away from her and points at the laid-out Herschel, asking her about him. But the Commissioner shrugs and shakes her head.
Vinnie Lane: "I guess that answers that! But who the hell did this to BOB's resident BOBber and why?"
MARTY also shrugs and calls for the bell to ring.
EVEN MAINER MAIN EVENT Sarah Lacklan
- vs -
"Big Puddin'" Herschel Kiss Five Count Match!
A typical three count won't do - it's gotta be five!
Referee: MARTY
Sarah blinks in confusion several times as Marty implores her to fight the downed giant.
Vinnie Lane: "Woah, dude! If Sarah beats him, is she in violation of her ‘No Outside Interference’ rule? Will she fine herself?!”
In the ring, Sarah shrugs again, walks over to the unconscious Kiss, and plops her infamous #SquatBooty on his chest, treating him like a chair. Marty hits the mat.
1!
2!
3!
Sarah holds up her hand with all of her fingers splayed out.
Vinnie Lane: "She wants five, MARTY. Don’t make her mad!”
4!
5!
The bell rings and Marty helps Sarah up to her feet.
Winner by 5-Count Pinfall….and STILL the #1 Contender to the Anarchy Championship: Sarah Lacklan
There is zero reaction as Diesel lumbers out from the back holding the 1995 version of WWF's championship. It's got a very obvious price tag stuck to the back of it as he holds it high overhead.
Vinnie Lane: "So sad to see him like this..."
Strobes hit as Osira Themis comes out from backstage. She dances up next to Diesel seductively as literally every single Mormon in attendance looks away. The pair head to the ring and get inside, posing for the crowd that is still refusing to look. They then get into their assigned corner as Chaz Bobo gives them a once over for contraband.
Vinnie Lane: "Great to see Osira back on Thursdays! Remember, she earned a title opportunity last year that she never fully took advantage of!"
Centurion steps out onto the ramp but doesn't move toward the ring. Instead he stands and waits while his music plays for a moment before fading.
Vinnie Lane: "Get ready, the champ is in the house!"
Ruby hops out from backstage with her Anarchy Championship. She plants a kiss on Cent's cheek and then the two strut down to the ring together.
Vinnie Lane: "Ruby is beloved the world over. The only two people in the building tonight who don't adore the champ are standing in the ring right now!"
Centrubion stand outside the ring as Osira and Diesel talk smack and gesture rudely. They then get up onto the apron by their corner and await the match start. Chaz Bobo calls for the bell!
DING! DING! DING!!!
Vinnie Lane: “Time for a rad tag team attraction with the ever-growing BoB taking on Centurion and Ruby.
Diesel starts things off with Centurion as they circle each other before looking to lock up only to have Diesel drive a knee into the midsection doubling Centurion over before landing several clubbing shots across the back of the Legend. He takes Centurion back into the ropes where he sends him across the ring, Centurion bounces off the far side where he ducks under a clothesline from Diesel, Centurion puts on the breaks and waits for Diesel to turn around where Centurion takes Diesel down with a single leg takedown. Centurion hangs on to the right leg where he starts kicking at the right knee of Diesel before locking in a Figure Four Leg Lock!
The referee is in a perfect position where he asks for Diesel to surrender as Centurion cranks back on the pressure to the figure four! Osira enters illegally where she stomps Centurion in the face breaking the hold. She is admonished by the referee while making her exit. Centurion and Diesel start to work their way back to their feet with Centurion running forward and into a sidewalk slam by big daddy cool! Diesel makes the cover.
1!
2!!
TH
Centurion kicks out.
Diesel works his way back to his feet where he picks Centurion up off the mat before taking him back into BoB’s corner where Osira tags in legally but as she enters the ring Centurion fights free of Diesel’s grasp taking the double team chance away from BoB. Osira steps through the ropes and into the ring. Across the ring, Ruby has her hand out for the tag. Centurion turns and points towards the Anarchy Champion drawing a louder ovation from the crowd.
Centurion walks over tagging Rubes into the match to a massive ovation!
Ruby enters the ring where she and Osira immediately lock up center ring, Rubes gets the advantage as she backs Osira up towards the ropes before Osira starts pushing back only to see Rubes takes Osira to the canvass with a drop toe hold. Rubes floats over into a front face lock that Osira counters into an armbar. The referee asks Ruby to surrender which she refuses and begins making her way back up to one knee with Osira maintaining the armbar, Ruby throws a reverse elbow to the jaw of Osira breaking her grasp. Ruby spins around taking a back waist lock delivering a German Suplex with a Bridge!
1!
2!!
TH…
Osira kicks out! Ruby is the first to her feet meeting Osira with a series of forearm smashes to the jaw before being cut off by Osira who lands a gouge to the eyes! The crowd roars with boos as Osira drives the Anarchy Champion back into BoB’s corner. Diesel makes the tag before stepping over the top rope entering the ring where he chokes Ruby with a boot across the throat against the corner as Osira steps out to the ring apron.
The referee lays the count to Diesel who removes his boot from Ruby’s throat at the four count. Diesel is admonished by the referee which he blows off as he comes towards the corner driving a series of elbows into the side of Rubes head before bringing her out towards the center of the ring. He scoops up Ruby slamming her down to the mat.
Diesel bounces off the ropes where he looks to drop an elbow on top of Rubes only to see Ruby roll out of the way causing Diesel crash into the canvass. Ruby gets to her knees before doing a forward roll towards her corner where Centurion is tagged in! Centurion scales the turnbuckles where he sizes up Diesel who is working his way back to a vertical base. Centurion sets sail with a flying reverse elbow on the money taking Diesel down! Centurion scurries into the cover!
1!
2!!
THR
Diesel kicks out! Centurion works his way back to his feet where he measures Diesel setting him up for a V-Trigger! Diesel reaches one knee as we see Centurion bounce off the far side which see’s Osira drive her knee into the lower back of Centurion as he bounces off the ropes sending him staggering forward into Diesel who nails Centurion with a stiff clothesline sending Centurion to the mat.
Diesel reaches down picking Centurion up off the mat where he scoops him up over his shoulder before delivering a Snake Eyes to the top turnbuckle of a neutral corner! Centurion bounces face first off the top turnbuckle where he staggers backwards as he turns around and into a boot to the midsection from Diesel who sets Centurion up for the Jackknife Powerbomb!
Diesel hoists Centurion up in the air only to have Centurion counter with a sit out face buster!
The crowd roars for Centurion as both men are laying on the mat. The referee starts to lay the count to both participants as they lay on the mat. Centurion rolls over into a cover at the four count.
1!
2!!
THR
Diesel kicks out of the near fall. Centurion is the first to start stirring as he begins to get back to a vertical base followed by Diesel. Centurion lands a right hand, Diesel comes back with a forearm smash to the jaw, Centurion comes back with a right hand, Diesel lands a right, Centurion kicks him in the right knee dropping Diesel to one knee. He bounces off the ropes where Rubes makes a blind tag before Centurion lands a shinning wizard to the temple of Diesel knocking him back to the mat for Ruby to spring board off the top rope with a Shooting Star Press!
Rubes makes the cover on Diesel.
1!
2!!
THRE
Osira breaks the pinfall attempt a second time to loud boos from the crowd. The referee admonishes Osira as she gets out to the ring apron. Ruby works her way back up to her feet where she stomps away at Big Daddy Cool. Ruby delivers a standing moonsalt. She gets back to her feet where she picks Diesel up off the mat only to be cut off with a huge knee to the midsection knocking Ruby to one knee. Diesel is able to make the tag to Osira!
Themis spring boards off the top rope with a flying cross body block on to the Anarchy Champion!
1!
2!!
THR
Ruby kicks out of the near fall. Osira gets back up to her feet where she turns and takes a cheap shot at Centurion knocking him off the apron to boos from the crowd. She turns back around and reaches down picking Ruby up off the mat only to have the Anarchy Champion counter with a jaw breaker! Ruby steps back up to her feet where she evades a running knee strike from Osira, Ruby spins Osira around where she connects with the Ruby Cutter! Ruby makes the cover!
1!
2!!
THRE
Osira escapes the near fall to a gasp from the crowd. Ruby gets back to her feet where Centurion has made his way back up on the apron. Ruby makes the tag! Centurion is in where he reaches down picking Osira up, he latches on to a back waist lock before delivering a German Release Suplex! Centurion gets back to his feet where he reaches down picking Osira up off the mat. He hoists her up in a Fireman’s carry!
Osira slides down the back of Centurion where he rolls him up with a School Boy!
1!
2!!
THRE
Centurion kicks out!
Osira rolls towards he corner where Diesel is tagged back into the contest. He steps over the top rope where he sizes up Centurion who is getting back to his feet! Diesel charges forward looking to take Centurion’s head off with a running boot to the face! Centurion ducks out of the way! Diesel spins around where he is met with a standing dropkick that sends Diesel back into the ropes!
Vinnie Lane: "Ruby! Ruby look what I remembered! Check it out!"
Vinnie Lane holds his phone up so Ruby can see, and he has the ending of Diesel's Summerslam 1994 Intercontinental Title defense. Ruby squints, trying to see what's going on on the screen.
Centurion pops back up to his feet where he makes his way towards Diesel hammering him with right hands before sending him across the ring with an Irish Whip, Diesel bounces off the ropes and into a snap powerslam from Centurion! Centurion covers hooking the near leg.
1!
2!!
THRE
Diesel escapes with a kick out to a gasp from the crowd. Centurion reaches his feet where he sizes Diesel up for perhaps the 1,000 Mile Slam. Diesel starts to work his way to one knee before stepping up to a vertical base. Centurion comes forward looking to deliver the 1,000 Mile Slam but Diesel drives a series of elbow strikes to the back of Centurion’s neck breaking his grasp of Centurion and it is Diesel who positions Centurion and hoists him up in the air delivering the Jackknife Powerbomb! Diesel drops down making the cover hooking the leg of Centurion.
1!
2!!
THRE
Ruby breaks the cover to a huge pop from the crowd! The referee gets Ruby back out to the ring apron as we see Diesel get to his knees as he then steps back up to a vertical base where he walks over making the tag to Osira. We see Osira climb up to the top ropes where she sizes up Centurion before setting sail with a diving elbow drop into the sternum of Centurion!
Osira gets back to a vertical base.
She starts to measure Centurion who rolls over to his chest and starts pushing himself up off the mat. Osira charges forward delivering a flying double knee strike to Centurion knocking him backwards to the mat! Osira makes another cover!
1!
2!!
THRE
Centurion manages a kick out!
"TAG ME IN ALUNDRA!!! ! TAAAAGGGG MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Diesel's shouting voice gets everyone's attention, and Osira shrugs as she heads over to tag in BDC. Diesel then steps over the top rope while making a horn honking arm gesture.
Centurion takes advantage of the breather to crawl to Ruby and tag her in before Diesel can lumber over... and apparently Ruby saw what Vinnie was trying to show her on his cell phone!
SUPER DEAR-O KICK!!!
Vinnie Lane: "Diesel's Achilles' Heel! Ruby just planted that Sweet Banana-Lime Music right on the button, and Diesel is out on his feet!"
Diesel sways back and forth and then falls over backward like a felled tree. Ruby and Cent make eye contact and she heads back to her corner and tags in her partner!
Centurion walks in and grabs Diesel by the legs... FALL OF ROME! Centurion gets Diese over and applies the devastating hold!l
Vinnie Lane: "You can just hear those quad muscles about to pop like banjo strings!"
Osira enters the ring to break things up, but Ruby tackles her!
Diesel taps out!!!
Winners by Submission - Centrubion
Vinnie Lane: "What a match! What a comeback from Centrubion, I thought they were in big trouble! And things do not look like they are over between Cent and Osira... could we see these two go one on one?"
The Mormons give a modest clap.
Vinnie Lane: "This place is going WILD for that main event! That's all we've got time for here in Utah, folks! See you at MAAAAAAAAAAAARCH MAAAAAAAAAAAADNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"
The following advertisement MAINEST MAIN EVENT has been paid for by;
We open in New Zealand to an outdoor shot of the empty Marley Brown Oval with a bWo ring set up in the middle of the field.
After a spectacular fireworks display opens the show, we are greeted by the voice of the bWo, Tommy Savino!
Tommy Savino: "Hello wrestling fans, and welcome to another edition of bWo’s MAINEST Main Event featuring your BOB World Champion defending her title against a former XWF Universal champion! Who exactly is this former champion? Miss Fury told me earlier today that she planned to keep the challenger's name close to the vest, but she tells me that he's sure to be a tough competitor, but she's super focused and has no fear of losing the BOB World Title tonight!”
Miss Fury walks across the football field on her way to the ring.
Tommy Savino: "And here she comes, The BOB World Heavyweight Champion, Miss Fury!”
Miss Fury slides under the bottom rope to enter the ring. She hops up and pulls the belt off her waist, holding it high as she stares into the camera.
Tommy Savino: "Just look at those eyes! It’s all business tonight folks!”
Suddenly Fury’s music is interrupted by the challenger!
Tommy Savino: "We’ve been left all week to speculate on who this could be! A former XWF Universal Champion, but I’ve gotta say, that music doesn’t sound familiar!”
A few more seconds pass, building the anticipation! Finally a familiar, even if long-forgotten face steps out from behind the curtain!
Tommy Savino: "That! That’s! That’s JT Washington! Former Savage Saturday Night General Manager! He won the Universal championship in a match with Bruce Blingsteen, even if it was ultimately stricken from the record! I can’t believe it! How did Miss Fury track this guy down!? I thought he left the business!”
JT walks out to the top of the stage as a pre taped promo plays via restaurant quality picture in picture!
JT Washington: “You know, a lot of you may not know this, but wrestling has always been my dream! You may remember back to when I was the GM of Savage and I had my one and only match in the XWF! It was against Brucette Blingsteen, and it was for the Universal championship! I won that match, but do you think that I was offered a talent contract? Hell no! Instead, the decision was reversed! Stricken from the record! And I was forbidden from wrestling any more matches! Well SCREW THAT! I quit that stupid job and I bet on me! I’ve traveled all over the world honing my craft and waiting for the right opportunity to break back into the XWF as an in ring talent, and this may be it!”
“So Fury, I appreciate the opportunity, but when we hit that ring, anything goes, because to me, you’re nothing but an obstacle between me and my dreams!”
Tommy Savino: "JT Washington letting it be known that he’s coming for a fight! This should prove to be an excellent match up and I’d be hard pressed to believe that ANYTHING on Anarchy could possibly live up to the wrestling spectacle that we’re about to see!”
JT enters the ring, keeping his eyes on Fury as he advances to his corner. Ari Silversteen raises the bWo World Championship up for the camera before calling for the bell.
Tommy Savino: "And this championship match is underway!”
JT Washington shoots out of his corner right for Fury! He throws a big clothesline and pancakes her into the corner! Fury slams hard against the turnbuckles and JT climbs up to the second turnbuckle. He grabs her by the mask and begins firing off some right hands, but Fury slips underneath him and grabs one of his legs, causing him to lose balance and face plant onto the top turnbuckle!
Tommy Savino: "JT Washington is out on his feet! Fury could wrap this one up early!”
Fury reaches around to lock in the Black Widow, but J.T. overpowers her and slams her to the mat with a standard hip toss! Fury cashes to the mat and reaches for her lower back. Seeing an opening, JT rushes in with a punt kick to the small of her back! Fury yells out from the pain as JT forces his way on top of her and locks in a camel clutch!
Tommy Savino: "The former Universal champion is giving the current BOB World Champion a real run for her money! We might see the crowning of a new champion tonight folks!”
JT wrenches back on the hold as Fury desperately reaches for the ropes, but she’s too far away!
Tommy Savino: "Miss Fury instinctively reaching for the ropes, but this match is Fury’s Rules, so even if she grabs them, JT isn’t required to break the hold!”
Fury begins to crawl towards the ropes, dragging JT along for the ride. JT refuses to break and baby steps with her all the way to the ropes. She reaches out and grabs the bottom rope, and despite the rules, Ari calls for the break! JT refuses and wrenches back, bending Miss Fury into an unnatural position! Fury yells out again, but keeps her hand on the ropes! She reaches out with the other hand and uses the ropes to pull herself out of the ring, effectively breaking the hold! Fury falls to the outside favoring her back as JT jumps up and begins to argue with Ari, warning him to call it fair and stay out of his way! JT then turns his attention to the outside where Fury is in the process of pulling herself back up to her feet. JT jumps through the middle rope to the outside and marches up to Fury, grabbing her by the back of her mask and pulling her to her feet. He then whips her into the turnbuckle where she smashes face first and then slinks down to a knee. JT grabs her again and dumps her into the ring before searching under the ring for a weapon of some sort.
Tommy Savino: "JT Washingotn has done a fantastic job of keeping Miss Fury off her game since the opening bell. Now he’s searching for an equalizer that it doesn’t appear he even needs!”
JT pulls out a steel chair and hops up onto the apron, but to his surprise Miss Fury was waiting for him with a lethal dose of poison mist! JT drops the chair and frantically wipes away at the burning red liquid that’s now all over his face and in his eyes! Fury hits the ropes on the opposite side of the ring and fires in with a shotgun dropkick through the middle ropes that sends JT Washington flying off the apron and into the barricade!
Tommy Savino: "The tides have turned thanks to that mysterious red liquid! I wonder what that stuff is anyway!?”
Miss Fury jumps out of the ring and grabs the chair that JT dropped. She then stalks over him as he struggles to get back to his feet and clear his vision. She swings the chair at his back!
CRACK!
JT stumbles and falls back to the floor as a confident Miss Fury taunts him from above!
Tommy Savino: "The champion is in full control now!”
As JT tries to crawl away, Fury methodically chases after him, swinging the chair wildly at any part of him that she can connect with.
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
CRACK!
Fury tosses the broken and battered chair to the floor as JT now lay motionless on the outside!
Tommy Savino: "JT Washington is out cold, but how is Miss Fury going to get him back into the ring!?”
Fury begins waving someone down from the back!
Tommy Savino: "Wait, what’s this!?”
Suddenly Them No-Good Bastards, Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles come running down from the back! Bobby and TK hoist JT up and dump him into the ring for Fury!
Miss Fury slides back into the ring and calls for Bobby and TK to assist her further! TK and Bobby slide in as Fury pulls JT up and tucks his head between her legs.
Tommy Savino: "Wait, is this what I think it is!?”
TK and Bobby align to either side of her and help hoist JT up for a powerbomb before releasing and allowing Fury to slam him to the mat!
Tommy Savino: "Bobby… No, FURY-BOMB!”
Miss Fury mocks JT as she steps on his chest effectively covering him.
1!
2!
KICKOUT!
Tommy Savino: "WHAT THE FUCK!?!”
The BOB’s look on shocked that JT managed to kick out. After a moment Bobby and TK dive in on the attacking, pummeling away at JT with reckless abandon! Bobby then yanks JT to his feet like he’s nothing, and holds him there as Fury locks in the Black Widow!
Tommy Savino: "JT Washing is out on his feet! He can’t submit! Ari needs to call this one before JT get’s hurt and we have to deal with his boyfriend!”
Ari asks JT if he submits, but it’s obviously just a ploy to allow Fury to hold onto the move. JT is out cold! TK and Bobby are laughing at the loser as Ari FINALLY calls for the bell!
DING DING DING!
Fury holds onto the Black Window for a moment longer before finally dropping the dead weight former GM of Savage to the mat! Ari hands her the BOB World Title just before Bobby and TK lift her up to their shoulders to celebrate!
Winner and STILL BOB World Champion - MISS FURY!
Tommy Savino: "That's already two more defenses than the Anarchy champion in as many weeks! Hell of a match folks, but just like in her first defense, Miss Fury made quick work of the former Universal Champion! Will she add the Anarchy Championship to her collection at March Madness? I'd put my money on that AND her becoming the Queen of the XWF! Anyway, that’s all the bWo action for this week! We’ll see you again after March Madness when Miss Fury defends her championship and makes a very important announcement!”
SPECIAL THANKS:
Lycana
Chris Page
Miss Fury
Sarah Lacklan
Marf
Ned Kaye
The following 4 users Like Dean Rose's post:4 users Like Dean Rose's post "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane (03-13-2021), ALIAS (03-12-2021), Miss Fury (03-12-2021), Ned Kaye (03-12-2021)
XWF FanBase: The IWC (gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)
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