Tula Keali'i, alone and away from either Boris or the rest of The Left Hand, finds herself face to face with a gnashing Alias.

"Well what do we have here? Another lost little puppy who raised up their paw in embrace of the dark?

Nah, that's not it.

You're just a desperate, frightened, little girl, scared of losing the one thing that gives her life any meaning. What a fucking sad state of affairs.

Let me ask you something, T. When you were growing up, suckling on your mother's teet like you now suckle on the forked cock of the goat-man, is this what you dreamed of? Not to be an astronaut, or a doctor, or a congresswoman, but this? To rule over a show full of halfwits and no-wits? To be the king of the smallest, most insignificant castle in all of the land? Is this what you really dreamed of? Oh how proud must your family be when they tell their friends about how their daughter is the champion of B.O.B.'s show? Hell, how proud must your own friends be?

Oh... wait... you don't really have any do you?

I mean, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Friends are overrated. But for someone like you... I'm not sure how far you're going to go without them. Think about this, XWF Legend, Centurion, helped you out, right? And even with the guidance of a former World Champion who has the most wins in XWF history, all you could must was... the Anarchy title? That's your precious? You've abandoned everybody that helped get you to where you are, for that? And instead of legends - even if they probably have the most losses in XWF history too - you've found solace in the arms of a group of nymphos and masochists. Somewhere in that 'Anarchy-brained' head of yours, you've got to realise how ridiculous that is, right? I've got to think that's why you didn't bring the Slovak nutsack with you. Deep down, I think you truly realise what a mistake you've made.

You're not going to use The Left Hand for your own means, spud. In case you didn't notice, they don'treally care about winning matches. In fact, they don't really win that much. They don't care about what you care about, and as a result, you stick out like a sore thumb.

One I'm happy to bite off.

T... when you raised that left hand... you just made the job of holding onto championships so much fucking harder for yourself. I'm taking everything from The Left Hand. This is just the start for you.

Heavymetalweight? Check.
Federweight? Let's just say 'check' already.
Shooting Star? Snow Job, baby!
Anarchy?

...

I don't expect this to be our last encounter.

Eat The Left Hand."

Alias shoves his left hand into Tula's mouth in a mandible claw and pushes her to the ground.

1...

2...

Tula kicks out. She kicks Alias in the stomach and pulls out a copy of the 1981 comedy classic "Arthur" on VHS. She shoves it into Alias' mouth.

Here, hold this for me.

Boy, if only you could have waited a couple of hours. Maybe then you could have found something better to say other than "oh, look, you're a follower! Hurpa derp!" Please, I know what the fuck I'm doing. I know you're used to hanging out with folks who have more points on their license than they do brain cells, but there are some of us who actually think about shit and are able to manipulate situations.

As far as my family? Fuck 'em. Both of my parents are dead, and most of the living relatives I have left are assholes. But you did ask a very important question - was this what I dreamed up when I was growing up? Hmm, let me think...

Did I dream of being a complete bad ass and a multi time champion that has made everyone so jealous that they feel the need to snipe at me at every turn? Why yes, it's exactly what I dreamed of.

You can mock Anarchy all you want. At least I have a show. What exactly do you have, Alias, other than a scar on your hand? You are picking fights with so many people and you have nothing to show for it. At least Charlie has a couple of titles, and he's a fat dude that doesn't bathe. You? You're just a chained up junkyard dog. You sound mean. You want nothing more than to take a bite out of any unsuspecting trespasser who has the misfortune of stepping into your yard. But, you can't. Instead, you just run to the end of your chain and bark.

It's ok, Alias. Someone will pet you someday.

Tula kicks Alias in the mouth, causing the VHS copy of the 1981 comedy classic "Arthur" to break.

2x Anarchy Champion
1x and current XWF Micronesian Champion
XWF Star Of The Month - October 2020

I've got more than a couple titles, pretty little thang!

*Winks*

The tape breaks in Alias's mouth and he spits it back into Tula's face. He blinks, super confused about what just happened.

"Wait, wasn't I just pinning you? How the hell did you leave The Left Hand while I was pinning you?

Must be that time travelling bitch!

But great job, Tula. You left a group that you were only in as long as Charlie's micropenis, and you accomplished... what exactly? What the fuck was the point of all of that? You got your title back, cool. You had actually won that title previously, so uh... why'd you need the help this time? Such a "badass". You uh... you know you're going to have to defend it next show, right? And defending your Anarchy title is where you've actually had problems. Maybe you should've held out for that... you know, because you're so smart and all that?

If you supposedly know what you're doing, I'm fucking dying for you to tell me. It makes no fucking sense! From where I'm standing, it looks like Baph' going to jail got you spooked, so you bailed. I know you're such a 'badass' though, so that couldn't be true right? That's why you think you're the only one able to stop B.O.B. taking over Anarchy, but when you actually had a chance to fight them just on this last show... you fucking bailed! Right? Because you're a 'badass'. Sure there were three of them, but you can 'manipulate' people into doing things too, so why not find others to fight them? Shit, if you wanted to stop B.O.B., you could have manipulated The Left Hand to doing so, and THEN turned your back on them. B.O.B. was right there, ready for you to vanquish them! But what did you do? Oh yeah, you bailed.

Plot holes everywhere!

Hell, even without The Left Hand, you still could have gotten Boris to help you. Because I'm the one hanging out with people with a low brain cell count.

Really, dumbfuck? You're going in that direction? With Boris right there?

Man, you really have no clue what you're doing.

I'll tell you though.

You're running.

Running from Ruby; from Kenzi; from B.O.B.; and now... you're going to be running from me. The person who has nothing but [i[freedom[/i] to go wherever he wants whenever he wants. I'm not picking fights with everybody, douchebag - I sure as fuck don't care about Charlie! I'm just swinging at the Left Handed fucks who picked a fight with me first!

Oh, and Betsy.

And Thad.

But that's it, I swear!

Is that really longer than your list of enemies? Doubt it.

Once a Left Hand, always a Left Hand, in my mind. That's why I'm here. You've left? Doesn't matter. Now you're just on Ash Quinn's level. Jesus, what a level to be on. Kind of struggling to see how anyone could be jealous of you in that position.

I am just so thankful that your family are dead. It means there won't be any more of you. Soon enough... you're entire fucking lineage will be.

Eat Tula Keali'i."

He shoves his right hand, the icky one, into Tula's mouth this time and pins her again.

With his hand still in Tula's mouth, glove on though - he's not that gross - Alias keeps raving.

"While I've got you here, you fucking deluded cunt-rag, let me lay out a few other home truths for you. Let's start with this whole attitude change you've had recently. It's all about Tula, right? All about you?

My right hand is my left.

You are doing an absolutely terrible job at making anyone think you're worth half a damn. I have what I consider to be a special talent, see... I can read minds! Well, not really. I'm just extremely good at reading faces. I mean, look at yours right now, while your eating this hand! You look very uncomfortable.

See? I'm fucking good.

Thing is, any other time that I've seen you, I see the doubt plastered all over your face. Have you done the right thing, or is this all going to come back and bite you in the ass?

Well does this answer the fucking question? Big bad Tula going all tough and pushing over old man Cent. So tough! So smart! That's why you've got a laundry list of people wanting to put you down... Cent... Ruby... Kenzi... Vita... Graves and the rest of B.O.B... Lane... The Left Hand... Me...

This is the grave you've fucking dug yourself. The grave that your desperately trying to claw your way back out of. But each time you do, you just put another name on the list.

And now here I am. I'm the universe reverting back to its natural order.

And now here you are. Here lies the big bad Tula, like a fucking chump underneath my bad hand.

Some badass.

All that shit about Anarchy being your show? Shit, you better pray that you lose that cummerbund at Snow Job, otherwise I will be coming to Anarchy, and I will be gunning straight for you and your stupid pantsuits. And let's face it, people coming into Anarchy from the other shows, that really doesn't bode well for you. Let's not forget what happened the last time that you came to our shows. You know what? since you're here, and you clearly have the time, let's take that trip down memory lane:

You fucking lost.

To Ash goddamn Quinn.

My lord, how did I forget that just a few seconds ago? Here I was slandering the already dogshit name of Ash Quinn by saying that you were on her level now. Fuck me, now I need to apologise to that trigger happy harpy, because you're not even there! I never thought that I would be able to say this to a single person in the entirety of human history, but you're actually lower than Ash. Lower than the lowest gnat that Warfare could offer up.

Congratul-fucking-lations, T. That's a record that nobody will ever beat!

Say good night now, you pimpled asshole. Say good night, and Eat My Right Hand."

1...

2...

Tula bites the fingers of Alias, before immediately regretting that decision because the dude tastes like sour milk. She kicks out of the pin and rolls up Alias, despite the fact that this isn't a match and he's not the champion. She placed her arm on Alias' throat and the normal smile she normally has is gone.

Feisty, aren't you? And someone who thinks they know what's going on. Here's the problem - you don't pay enough attention to things outside your little bubble. If you did, you'd know that everything you just said was complete bullshit.

Did I use the Left Hand to win the Anarchy Title? Yes. Why? Well, if you would have been watching Anarchy, you would have seen that Kenzi Grey was consistently using her own people to make sure she wins and retains the title. It may have been more "admirable" to just take the losses, but it also would have been stupid as fuck. This is professional wrestling. You eat or you get eaten!

And let me ask you this question, Allison. Do you really think I lost to Ash Quinn in a straight up match? Like, do you really think that happened? Knowing everything you know now about me the Left Hand, wouldn't it make a lot of sense for me to just throw that match? A non-title, nothing match on Savage? You don't think there's a chance we worked it out ahead of time?

No, of course not. You're not that bright. You only see things as completely binary. Things must be exactly what they appear to be, because that's all your tiny brain can handle.

And don't be picking on Boris! That man is a Slavic hero. You wish you had half the admiration Boris receives. Is the dude dumber than an ox? Maybe. But he's "funny dumb". You're tragically dumb. Boris is the kind of dumb that makes him get drunk and suddenly gives him the confidence to try and fly. You're the kind of dumb where you THINK you're smart. You're like every twenty-something with a liberal arts degree - blinded by a lack of self reflection.

You want to come to Anarchy? Go for it. But you don't get a shot right off the bat. That's not how this works. You have to earn it. Maybe you can start by fighting Boris? That should be a really good match. After all, Boris just beat the Hart Champion, and you...

...umm

I'm sure you've done something, too.

Tula releases her arm from Alias' throat and delivers an elbow shot to the head before standing back up.

2x Anarchy Champion
1x and current XWF Micronesian Champion
XWF Star Of The Month - October 2020

Tula goes to walk away, but she stops, because she has more to say.

Oh, by the way...

Did you watch Anarchy? Did you see what happened out there? I may not have showed up for the match, but there's only one image that everyone takes away from that show, and that's ME standing tall, while the members of BoB lie face down in the middle of the ring. What, you don't consider that a success?

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot about that bullshit "honor" that folks like you and Ruby and Cent all care about. You think the "right thing" is to walk down to the ring and face a group of folks three on one, and get my ass handed to me. That's nobel. That's what "good people do".

That's also why good people always end up in a pool of their own fucking blood. The good don't win. The SMART win. And I outsmarted everyone. BoB, Left Hand, Kenzi, Ruby, EVERYONE!

Don't hate me cause you ain't me. In two weeks, I've had the entire federation talking about me. There isn't a dick in the world you wouldn't suck for that kind of publicity.

2x Anarchy Champion
1x and current XWF Micronesian Champion
XWF Star Of The Month - October 2020

Alias kips up and spits in Tula's general direction.

"Everyone is talking about you? About YOU?

Good one.

How was it that you characterised the start of this encounter? You said that I called you a 'follower'. That's it. That's the fucking extent of how much people were talking about you. Just another face in the blood orgy.

You've got me confused with someone else, T. I'm not an honourable person. I don't care about Kenzi Grey using others to help her win. Hell, I don't even care about you doing so. I care about you calling yourself a 'badass' after you take that path. I'm not even saying that I'm a 'badass'. That would be hella lame. I'm just saying that a 'badass' faces challenges head on. They fight. And they certainly don't run around calling themselves a 'badass'.

I thought you were the smart one?

I'm certainly not. I never claimed to be. I know people, but I have no clue what's going on half the time. I don't even know which way is up!

My right hand is my left.

I run on animal instincts here. I scratch, I claw, I bite. No fucking honour but my freedom. But you? You've backed yourself into a corner here, but you don't have the instincts to get yourself out.

Like, seriously... your excuse for losing to Ash is that you threw the match? That's it? That's what you fucking come up with? An unfalsifiable defence that flies in the face of what literally everybody with one eye saw in that ring?

Let me say this again, I thought you were the smart one?

That is the lamest, most pathetic (even more pathetic than Ash is!), least intelligent, least 'badass' response that you could ever have come up with. Boris himself could've come up with something better! Here's a note for the future: hypothetically, if you're going to throw a match, at least give yourself a believable out. Something that people can actually see. Otherwise, you're just going to come off as though you're making up excuses.

Because you are.

Again.

Ash even got attacked by The Misfits beforehand, and still beat your ass! I thought 'The SMART win'?

Fuck me. This is a joke. Just like that championship you're holding. Either of them. See it's not them that I'm after. It's you. They're just a representation of what you hold dear. So I'm going to rip everything that's valuable away from you. You think I couldn't come to Anarchy, ask for a title shot, and just receive it? Are you dense? You know who runs that fucking show right? Jesus, it's like your oblivious to the context of the world you live in. Hell... I'm getting an X-Treme Title shot at Snow Job and I've only been in a Battle Royal and the fucking mugging by your old fuckbuddies that has led me to your doorstop here. It's not like it's hard, girl!

I'll throw you one little bone though, and agree with you on one thing. Get eat or get eaten.

Thanks for the set up.

Eat Tula Keali'i."

Alias hits an uppercut, ala. Mortal Kombat, that in another world of physics would have taken Tula's head right off. He pins her.

Again.

1...

2...

This is all very interesting... VERRRYYY interesting...

The fact is, folks, that Tula Keali'i renounced the FEDERWEIGHT Championship at Anarchy... which she is totally allowed to do! In which case, I think it's fair to award the FEDERWEIGHT Title to Alias!

BUT!

As we all know, Tula declared herself the Micronesian Champion at the same time. It was a sweet belt, too! There's paperwork involved, technically her title is NOT under the jurisdiction of the XWF... lawyers are terrible people...

New Federweight Champion - Alias

What will the future hold for the Federweight?

STAY TUNED!

One of two.