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Lacklan · (03-26-2019)

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen

My name is Andrew and I am a member of the award-winning Circle TV Documentary team. You may remember me from such words as Le Bord de Dieu: Savior in the Streets, Ultraviolet in the Sheets, Beyond the Mask: The Generic Heel, and Vaughan: A Story of How a Loaded Boot Won the World. Today we wish to take you into the world of someone who is close to us, who is dear to our hearts, and a figure of much controversy in the worlds of entertainment and sports. She is a figure who typically causes a distinct line of either love or hatred by other people, a try diversifying figure, who uses a blend of hard work, athletic prowess, and marketing savvy to ascend to the heights of every venture she dives into. She is Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, or:

Miss Lacklan...If You’re Nasty

Part One: A Day in the Life

Today is a day like most others for the subject of our special. Sarah began her day at a hotel in Pennsylvania, the time away from home due to the business of professional wrestling. She did not wrestle the previous night, but her three closest friends did, and that included her wife, Kenzi. The previous evening was a special “Pay Per View” event for the United Global Wrestling Alliance, a company that Sarah herself had wrestled for thirty-two times over the prior two years, and while she herself was not active, the she was still that proverbial zombie when her various alarms went off before the sun rose. Sarah has often espoused that it was not your workout regimine’s fault that you had a long night, regardless of the reason.

"Listen, I love my wife. Really, I do. I’ll do anything for her! But, bitch, I’m tired! Can’t we just sleep in every once and awhile?!"

-Kenzi Grey-Lacklan

The duo, known in both the wrestling and entertainment circles, where up at 4 AM for what they call “Personal Time,” one of the tenants of their marriage. The two were very much aware of how busy their lives are, and how their many projects leave both the mind and body exhausted, and so they endeavored to make time for one another in the morning, regardless of where they were. While their preferred location for this morning routine was their own home in the Hollywood Hills, they were accustomed to time in hotels, and even occasionally via video chat. Today’s time, spent in a hotel they had never been in before, was simple: They stretched together, taking time to warm one another up, an act that allowed them to be close together both emotionally and physically.

After stretching, with Sarah taking extreme car with Kenzi’s back, which was covered by a massive bruise from the night before, the two were off to the hotel gym. Like many, this gym was simple, not much more than cardio machines and light weights, and both Grey-Lacklans used the time to run next to one another. While their skin and hair tones were so opposite from one another, with Sarah being a pale white with platinum hair and Kenzi with caramel skin and black hair, they wore matching workout outfits, the black, red, and silver of their tag team, Team Kickass. Two time tag team champions, the duo had proven to be very difficult to beat and as the time of this docuseries, had only suffered two defeats at all.

"Sar-Sar gets totes Angry Eyebrows at me when I bring it up...but one of those times? It was to me! Love you, Sar-Sar!"

-Angie Vaughn

After their run, the two find themselves in the corner where the rudimentary weights are, and between the two of them, they are able to put together a semblance of their normal workout. They did weighted push-ups with the other sitting on their backs, though with Kenzi moving extra slowly from her bruises, they loaded up as many dumbbells for a curl as possible, they climbed atop one another so that they could squat one another. This early in the morning, there was no one else to take in the spectacle of two professional athletes thinking outside the box for a training session, but if there had been, their eyes would likely have been full of a mixture of wonder, jealousy, and horror.

”I never really worried about my body before I met Sar. I just kinda ran and ate junk. But the same week we started dating, I also did the Body by Benton challenge, and that changed my life! Our bodies have gone up and down over the last couple of years, but we always strive to stay fit. And while I DO miss my baby’s legs, I love her softness now, too."

-Kenzi Grey-Lacklan

Sarah’s legs are an important feature to take a moment on, dear viewer. From the day she turned 14, she began training with her father, who believed in bodybuilding and physical fitness to a point that his own physique was featured on magazine covers. Beginning with a simple “Big Five” program of squats, deadlifts, bench press, shoulder press, and barbell rows, Sarah was able to pack on muscle over the next few years rarely seen in a teenage student athlete. While her diminutive height of 5’2” helped her stay lite enough to toss into the air as a cheerleader her powerful legs also allowed her to tumble and cartwheel as a gymnast. Upon beginning her professional wrestling career in January of 2017, she was known for having “legs that could crush a man’s soul.” But then the car accident happened in November later that year.

”Um...yeah...that was a tough time. We don’t like talking about HOW it happened, but it happened. My baby…

……..

...she was gone for a while. And it took her a long time to get feeling in her legs again. I remember when she first felt me touching her feet. We cried. Rehab was long. Tough. She’s not there yet, not back to what she was, but she’s getting there!"

-Kenzi Grey-Lacklan

Sarah’s legs are no longer the cords of wood which they were before, and she has stated before that she lacks some of the agility she had. However, as we shall see later, she has adapted her wrestling style to accommodate her physical change. Sarah was never one for flying in the first place -

"Fuck that flippy shit!’"

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

-, she has changed much of her work to be ground and strike-based, and has used what has been an endless series of kicks into pads, walls, trees, and sparring partners to help bring her legs up to as close of a shape as they could be.

After a couple of hours of their session, it is time for the two to eat their first real meal of the day. While the morning began with what seems to this reporter to be an excessive amount of water, as well as protein shakes and caffeine, the two are prepared to fill their bodies with the energy and nutrients they have depleted. Even before they are done toweling off, they are shoving protein bars into their mouths with gusto, as well as Amoora Shakes-

“Are you looking for the ultimate energy boost that tastes great and gives you what you need to get through the day? Amoora Shake is for you!

Packed with vitamins & minerals, our shake comes in 3 great flavors!

Sponsor of the Cincy Hit Girls”

-Kenzi Grey-Lacklan

-and they were headed up to their room for showers. Refreshed and prepared for the next part of their day, the two were downstairs in record time to hit the hotel buffet, which meant plates piled high with eggs and bacon, as well as what seemed an entire basket full of fruit.

"Daddy taught me the importance of feeding your body. You can always out-eat your exercise! Thankfully, SOMEONE at this table who SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS lost the battle LONG AGO about how a bag of pork rinds was ‘breakfast.’"

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

Seeing two athletes of this caliber taking down a meal is something special. Both woman are slight for their profession, as both are 5’2” and presently under 140 lbs, but most of their bodies are muscle and they are extremely active, so they take down the high-calorie food as if it were water. What was left was smears of grease on plates, an entire bunch of banana peels, three apple cores, and four empty bowls of oatmeal.

Their fast broken, their stomachs full, the two head upstairs to finish packing and checking out. While the two woman had only planned on traveling for a day or two, it still took two bellhops, each equipped with a cart, to carry their belongings. Kenzi had brought two suitcases, one with clothes and another with camera equipment, and the rest belonged to Sarah. They would not give us details, but we are pretty sure that three suitcases were filled with individually-wrapped pairs of shoes-

"You can NEVER have enough shoes!"

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

-as well as two full of dresses-

"You can NEVER have enough dresses!"

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

-and four hat boxes. I decided to edit out her saying the exact same thing as before, but with “hats!” in place of the other articles of clothing. And while Sarah carried her purse in one hand, a pair white puffy bunny years peeking out the top, Kenzi carried a trophy, the spoils of her war the night before. While Sarah played cheerleader, Kenzi teamed with their friend Roxy Cotton, as well as another individual, in a trios tournament the night before, winning two matches in the night to secure the annual tournament victory.

Down the elevator they go and to the front desk, preparing to check out. And unfortunately for the staff of the hotel, word has gotten out about their departing guests, and a crowd has arrived. Such is the daily plight of the Grey-Lacklans, and those who live in their world, but both on heart-felt smiles as they are mobbed by the fans. Pens are brought out and autographs are signed by the dozens, and the staff of the hotel, while visibly perturbed, must stand and wait, for the two women made it clear before they checked in that not a single fan would be turned away.

"The fans are our lifeblood. Like, I GET that there are people in this business who don’t ‘do it’ for the fans. I GET that there are people who don’t care about cheers and jeers, or whether or not people WANT to see them. But I KNOW better. If it weren’t for the fans, we would be killing ourselves in front of NOBODY. And what is the point of that? Yes, we are in this for the love of sport. But we are ALSO in it for the love of entertainment, for the thrill of an audience. Ask ANY world class athlete in ANY sport and they will tell you the same: Winning in front of YOUR crowd is the greatest feeling in the world."

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

Fans of every shape and sort are there for them. There are fans of Kenzi’s wrestling and acting career, including a few people with TWAT t-shirts, as well as fans of both Sarah’s wrestling career and those wearing “Official Fang Ganger” stickers and buttons. Notebooks are signed, hugs are given, cheeks are kissed in the European style, and the mob is finally dispersed, happy and sated. Their bags safely stowed away in the hotel security for the next few hours, the two are off to see sights while they can.

It is a cold day in Pennsylvania, not likely to reach above 50 degrees, and both of the women are prepared in their own way. Kenzi, not accustomed to such a cold climate, his covered head to toe in a velvet tracksuit, the cut hugging nicely to her curves, and with her hood pulled up and her forest-full of long, thin braids pulled forward so as to cover her neck. Sarah is a contrast, due to her life growing up in Maine, some six hundred miles north, and wears far less than the weather might dictate. The sunlight being soft enough today to permit her, she wears a pair of capris and a spaghetti strap top, the bright white tattoo on her shoulder visible, as well as the surprising muscle in her arms and stomach.

"Daddy was important to me, as anyone who watches me well knows. And while there are pictures of him before the fires, the only face I remember as a child was his white face mask. And, sure, he later adopted that black hood thing for his last run, when I first started out as his valet, but most of my memories are of him wearing the white mask. And so when I debuted...and won my first match...I knew that I wanted to honor him. So, Kenzi and I got tattoos in L.A., and I got the outline of Daddy’s mask done, and have filled it in over time.

“What? Other tattoos? Yeah. Kenzi has DOZENS of them, as you know, which were mostly just to piss off her mother, but we both got tattoos to commemorate our wedding day. Those...well...you can’t see those! And I have more planned. When I first broached the subject, Kenzi got all ‘ERMAHGERD! WHY RUIN YOUR PERFECT PORCELAIN SKIN?!’ like a freakin’ HYPOCRITE, but she loves the art I have added."

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

After taking an Uber to Harrisburg, the two Grey-Lacklans spent time walking the streets and taking pictures, Kenzi with one of her professional cameras from their studio, Dark Goddess Productions, and Sarah with...well…

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

When asked about her “work” phone, Dolly Waters, newly hired by the Grey-Lacklans first as a member of the “Legion of Interns” and recently promoted to some type of personal assistant, had THIS to say:

"Yeah...I ‘accidentally’ wrapped up that clunky piece of shit into a brown bag and dropped it off the nearest cliff.”

-Dolly Waters

I then followed up that question with asking her how the “Find you a cute boy” adventure went at the party the previous Saturday night, but she simply turned as pink as a strawberry and “had somewhere to go.”

After sightseeing, the two were back into the Uber and off to a restaurant. There, again being mobbed by a group of fans who were trailing their activities through social media, they met up with the other half of their wrestling “team,” Angie Vaughn and Roxy Cotton.

”As the leader of the #CoolKids-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"I’m the leader, bb."

-Roxy Cotton

“It’s my duty to be there for my girls! I didn’t wrestle last night, but you damn sure bet I was there! Because with ALL of my distractions...with all of OUR distractions...we are, at our core, wrestlers. Its what we do, ya know? And last night, then meant Rox and Kenzi winning the Trios tournament, and Ang retaining her world title against two people. Because THAT is what we do, ya know? MY brand, and by extension the entire #CoolKids brand, is about excellence. If fact, when it comes to the fed these three fought four last night, the four of US have either been champion or IN a championship match two-thirds of the time in the last year! And that is the same demand for excellence that I have brought to the XWF. You’re welcome, Rox!”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"...yay.”

-Roxy Cotton

The four women are treated like queens at the restaurant and given a prime table. Sarah’s three companions were all banged up, with Kenzi sitting in her seat slowly, her back seeming to stiffen up more as the day wore on; Roxy was missing a fingernail from a mistimed “Muff Diver,”; and Angie had a face worn of sadness over time away from her kitties; but otherwise, everyone was in good spirits. They congratulated one another over their victories the night before, as well as laughed over moments which didn’t show themselves in the greatest light, and enjoyed one another’s company.

Regular viewers of CircleTV know how intertwined the lives of these four woman are. While most might focus on the marriage of the Grey-Lacklans, each have an individual relationship with one another, and those connections have given birth to many adventures and side projects. All have participated in Kenzi’s productions, including both Roxy and Angie having important roles in the first television series from the company, “Top Nun,” as well as the short movies “CooL.A. Noire” and the upcoming “Napped and Capped.” There had also been various combinations of the group in wrestling companies, each with their own tag team name and combination of moves, providing a true “freelancer” feel to the group.

”While we can RESPECTFULLY argue over the leadership of the group-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"I’m the leader, bb."

-Roxy Cotton

”-the original is not up for debate. I’m the heart. You see, I was going through my initial world tour, and Kenzi and I were so tired that we often didn’t even know what city we were in or what company we were fighting for, but we found people like us as we went along. We met Angie in Ladies All-Star, and she and I took some KILLER selfies in Hawaiian-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"Pale girls FTW! That’s ‘For The Win,” bee tee dubs."

-Angie Vaughn

”-and once we started talking, I knew that she was JUST like me. Like, don’t get me wrong, we have TOTES different views on TONS of stuff-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"Like how kitties are WAY better than bunnies! Just ask Drew!”

-Angie Vaughn

Dear views, Sarah’s eye roll was so epic that even the back of MY eyes could feel it.

”But! We both understand just how important it is to wrestle across the world and garner varied experiences! And while I didn’t EXACTLY care for her mentor, who also was a founding member of our group, I knew that they were GREAT fits. And Roxy...well...Roxy was my wife’s friend...”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

Roxy and Sarah narrow their eyes at one another, but then they both smiled.

”But now we’re friends, too. It took us a while, that’s for damn sure! But we did. And SHE garnered the attention of my wife because of her, lets face it, KILLER trash talk! Roxy could make the hardest criminal cry about how his insides hurt!”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"And would probs get her twitter account banned.”

-Angie Vaughn

"Ugh. That is SO annoying."

-Roxy Cotton

”There was also Mil, of course, but that’s just because she wanted my bountiful booty.”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

The glass in Kenzi’s hand suddenly explodes, causing a rain of glass, water, and ice to fall on the table. Angie and Roxy quickly find themselves either drinking or else looking elsewhere, both awkwardly and obviously, and Sarah’s pale hand reaches out to lay atop Kenzi’s dark hand. A busser is there to clean up the mess as Kenzi shakes her head slightly and pats Sarah’s hand back.

”That’s all in the past, of course.”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"Bitch can die, for all I care."

-Kenzi Grey-Lacklan

”Tables are a staple of all forms of the fighting arts. Stables train together, push each other, go after complementary goals. And while we have trimmed out number since first coming together in the summer of 2017, our objectives have not. We are a team that fights both WITH and FOR one another. We push. We prod. We test. And we never...EVER...let our feelings get hurt when we beat each other. Hell, the four of us have beat each other for championships and tournaments so many times that I’ve lost count! And still, we are together, a family, doing things in this business that other people can only dream of.

“You see, now that I have brought the #CoolKids to the XWF as active competitors, and not just ‘being in charge’ like Roxy pretends to be-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"Hey!"

-Roxy Cotton

”-the fed gets to see TRUE excellence, TRUE pedigree. Like, I GET that people like Raven and Centurion have gone through the fed, right? I GET that some truly great wrestlers have started here, but that was a LONG time ago. And in the recent years, the fed has typically been filled with a group of villains and scallywags so pathetic that even Mos Eisley shakes its head.”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"...ugh...I hate your nerd-culture references..."

-Roxy Cotton

”I mean, we’re talking about a place who gets bowled over by the abs on some kid who thinks that dressing up as John Wick while playing Warhammer 40k. Like, people legit think that Lux is something special, something groundbreaking, and that just shows me how much the world of wrestling has left this company behind. Because there is NOTHING impressive about a wrestler who might as well be that kid in the LARP video saying ‘LIGHTNING BOLT!’ over and over again at the dude in the shitty monster costume. And, lets face it, the fact that an entire company would be such an enabler to someone so clearly psychologically damaged is further proof that this place needs a MASSIVE change. Which is why Vinnie had the orgasm of his life when I signed to the King of the Ring tournament-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

"Damnit, Sar! I told you to stop saying that!"

-Roxy Cotton

”Just for show, Rox! N-E-Ways, that's the biggest thing that I, as a representative of the #CoolKids, brings to the XWF: Authentic badassery. No longer does the fanbase have to listen to Game Girl playing video games and trying to tell them what is or is not relevant, and NOT in an intentionally ironic way. No longer does the fan base have to be fed Lux’s never-ending space odyssey with the pacing of that shitty scene in Star Trek: The Motion Picture where it takes FOREVER for the ship to get to V-Ger. Instead, you get a dynamic force that can not only lead this company into a greatness it has never had before in its 20 years of existence, I plan on RIPPING it out of the 90’s and introducing it to the modern era.”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

I could not help by look around at the other faces at the table as the subject of this docuseries started to get going. As her hands flailed around while she talked, Roxy rolled her eyes and started texting on her phone, Angie smiled brightly but her eyes were fixedly on her lap, where a cat video was playing on her tablet, but Kenzi’s eyes were firmly locked on her wife. If I wasn’t mistaken, I was pretty sure I saw her cheeks flush and start to turn purple.

”LUCKILY for the XWF, they have ME now! Because while Game Girl plays games and inches closer and closer to taking her clothes off for anyone to notice her, I’m setting the business on fire and making people redefine what a ‘Champion’ is. While Lux bores us to death with Roddenberry’s snail’s journey through the giant machine, I’m the Abrams that goes in with guns blazing and Kirk being born in the middle of a battle with Thor and Emma the Savior as parents. While THEY think that new and hip things mean appealing to the hentai fanfic desires of fedora-tipping neckbeards all across the sludge of basements, I appeal to the crowd who wants things to actually, ya know, NOT suck.

“And while Ms. Five Seconds Away From a Kawaii Pornhub Channel thinks that it doesn’t matter that I beat a couple of douchebags on my way to the semis of this tournament, the FACT of the matter is that I made EXAMPLES out of them. Because Donovan ‘Fucktard #82’ Blackwater thought that his Jedi bullshit set the world on fire, and I doused him so bad that, just four days away from the March Madness Pay Per View, he hasn’t had FUCK ALL to say about this company, or even wrestling in general. And the SAME goes for that diphit preacher: Another loser that I DRUG BY HIS EARS into the light and truth of the REAL WORLD and blasted SO BAD that he ALSO hasn’t had JACK SHIT to say since I made sure the entire WORLD realized that he was a moron.

“And THAT, dear friends, is going to be MY LEGACY in this company, THAT dear friends, is the REASON why Vinnie’s tent pole busted out of his jeans. Because his home has been INFECTED with lame shit like dragons having sex with robots and overnight twitter lesbians getting married in the future, but then changing their future by getting married in the present day, and then getting divorce a month later so that their trip to the future never happened. People like Game Girl and Lux make even THAT shit, THAT nonsense from people like Kalinda and Sativa, look like the stoic seriousness of 1920’s catch-as-catch-can. And MY job is to BURN THAT DUMB FUCK SHIT TO THE GROUND, take it ALL down to the foundations, bulldoze THOSE out of the way, and give ALL of XWF a chance to axly be ACCEPTED by the wider wrestling world.

“And that mission of mine began with a Jedi master, continued to a murderous preacher, goes on to make a split personality disorder patient take his medicine, and in that SLIM-AS-FUCK chance that it’s not Dolly I face in the final, I’ll unplug tomorrow’s next blue checkmark and claim my trophy. Because I WILL NOT be taken down by people who don’t give a DAMN about wrestling. I WILL NOT be defeated by people who sit on the edge of their seats, hoping and praying, that I will say something so that they can figure out what their next promotional video should be about. I WILL NOT even be SLOWED DOWN by people who lack originality, drive, creativity, or the STAMINA to content at MY level.

“Oh! And ANOTHER thing! I-”

-Sarah Grey-Lacklan

Thankfully for everyone around, the waiter arrived with their drink order. Appletini for Angie, Screwdriver for Roxy, Organic Michelob Ultra for Kenzi, a glass of red wine for Sarah. And after a lengthy lunch, again filled with laughter and stories, the four women take their leave of the restaurant, but the day is not done for the friends. Separate flights to different parts of the country away the group, each retreating to their home for a few days of much-needed rest.

Join us this weekend for the second part of our docuseries, where Sarah attempts to earn perhaps the most important accolade of her young life:

Her driver’s license!

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