XWF FanBase: The IWC (gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)
"So first things first. You've got your tweezers. You've got your spooly. You're going to take your spooly and just sort of brush up the hairs, and so basically what you're going to want to do, to decide where you want to tweeze is to locate what general shape you want. I'm thinking more of a round arch this time around.
So I'm going to tweeze all of the excess hairs as you can see right there to make the shape."
"Ow! FAK!"
"Now when it comes to the eyebrow hairs closest to the shape..."
"Goddamnit! I think I'm bleeding. HEY YOUTUBE BITCH! AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BLEEDING?"
"...I would say be really careful with how you tweeze and not to go overboard"
"This was a mistake. An absolute *OWWWW* fucking mistake!"
"It's really easy to over-pluck, so check in the mirror see how it looks from far away before you keep going."
I pause the Youtube video on my cellphone and switch over to the camera on selfie mode to take a look at my progress in beautifying.
"AHHH!"
Flabbergasted. My entire left eyebrow has been plucked to kingdom-fucking-come, and even a piece of my skin has been shredded just below my brow leaving a little stream of blood dripping down onto my freshly done makeup. I look like a fill-in for the Rocky Horror Tranny Show or some sad sequel chock-full of political connotations.
Now, I'm sure some people would be quick to point out and say: "Hey! Dolly, not that I REALLY know you or understand much of anything, because I come-and-go like a f Karma Chameleon, but this isn't your style!", but their concerns would be, as always, arbitrary.
I'm a fifteen-year-old girl. So what if I have a sudden change in desire? So what if it does suddenly dawn on me that my cave-woman eyebrow, singular, and my chapped lips are not very fetching? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty on top of buffering my glaring character defects, especially in this day and age where sex appeal reigns supreme. A person's willingness to change and develop should be considered a plus-random-number in charisma- if you're into shitty RPG games that never hit the Blockbuster shelves, that is.
But some people aren't into development. Rather they sit back, resting on their laurels as they were, and just boringly try frenching-up the same old crap in their lives over and over again. Adding a new picture (no less unimaginative from the old ones) here, or a new friend (no less vapid than the old ones) there. All while still being the same shit-of-a-person, living the same shit-of-a-life, that not even the most uninteresting man on the planet could be compelled to rave about.
Me on the other hand? For as much as people claim to have their finger on my pulse, I've never been one for drinking-in the monotonies of life. When things get too 'blah' I always find a way to make my life better. Which, in this iteration of 'Dolly Waters: The Curious life a hick Teenybopper', has brought me exactly to where I am now:
"Ho-Kay people! New rule!"
I holler out while standing up from behind my desk, addressing the two-dozen Indian immigrants who are steadily typing and robo-calling away from their work cubicles that fill the office foyer just in front of me,
"THIS!"
I scream while motioning my finger in a circle around my farcical, makeup-caked and bleeding face,
"THIS IS NOT A GOOD LOOK FER' ME!"
The Indians stop what they're doing and look up at me, the looks on their collective faces can only be described as comedically horrifying,
"Whichever of you can be the first to have me a proper facial and manicure that can be done in-office, and have it scheduled within the next hour gets a brand new yoga pad, and a half-hour extended lunch break!"
The clicking of the keyboards intensifies as my subordinates turn their diligent and dexterous little fingers to work on finding me someone to fix up my moneymaker. All of that D-I-Y bullshit is for the birds.
Ah, so yes, the plot. I recently went and cashed in on a good chunk of my XWF salary, and as I promised, I got frivolous, taking a substantial portion of my earnings and investing in a startup non-profit, think-tanky-thingamabob of a business. I hired a bunch of the best indentured-telecom-servants from India who are known for doing shit work for shit pay, and brought them here, to this undisclosed, shifty little office space and provided them with a fifteen dollar an hour wage and an obscure Aflac healthcare package.
What's the matter? Do you find yourself intrigued as to why I'm doing this? Why with everything else in the world I have going on (i.g. March Madness, and my Legion interning duties), I would venture out into the world of Venture Capitalism under the guise of a non-profit, think-tanky-thingamabob? Because even though I'm already leading a more interesting life than someone like GameGirl to the squared degree, I still thirst for more gains in development. I am expanding the Dolly Waters brand beyond the likely inappropriately touched trailer park girls, and the teen-crazed men who inappropriately touch, to a more globally woke audience.
These fine Indian women and men are able to handle all of my Legion interning duties while I sit back and tweet blurry pictures of pork chops, post vlogs about crushing-it at FreeCell, and watch every live version of: 'Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis' known to man on Youtube. I have a woke meme department, both conservative and liberal-leaning, a Lit-af-gif department, interning duties department and a whatever-in-the-fuck-i'm-feeling department. Literally, their first task was to fill out every one of the possible nine-quintillion NCAA Basketball tournament brackets. We didn't QUITE get there, but we do still have a handful of perfect brackets- Warren Buffett will be writing us a check soon.
So that's all well-and-good, right? But what about the bigger picture one might ask... Well. For-fucking-always I was on some kind of mission, typically brought to you in the form of vignette-then-promo, just like everyone else in the XWF. Telling some somber story of tragedy-then-vindication that might maybe one day pay off with the falling of jubilant confetti and pomp praise. Well to hell with all of that.
Just weeks ago I finally realized something while sitting in the locker room pouting about winning the Hart Championship- nothing that the XWF can offer me in its entirety will ever be enough for Dolly Waters. Even if I would have gotten that rematch with Caedus, and let's say for shits-and-giggles won, all that would have done is intensify the banally egomaniacal character I was becoming that was on par with about ninety-nine percent of the entire locker room. I can't be alone in being sick-to-death of the whole 'I beat so-and-so, therefore, I'm better because so-and-so tried harder than blah-blah when you did this way-back-when' hyperbole bullshit.
None of that crap matters. All I'm ever going to be is Dolly Waters. Winning some and losing some, and in the meantime, I'm at least going to have fun and take up what most of my peers find to be the impossible task of being... entertaining.
"esketit then, fuccgirl!"
That red-shaded voice, I knew it anywhere. However, I didn't really recognize the guy walking through the office door,
"Luca? The fuck happened to you?"
I asked ever incredulously, walking up and flipping one of his syrup matted bangs with my finger,
"Shit, the plot is one cold dank ass meme. Hashtag get money."
"Right..."
You're all following that train of thought too, right?
"...but still, yer' in a whole different body now, the fuck dude?"
"Yeah. Turns out I'm gay as fuck."
"Ah, okay. Well, that makes sense."
It really does,
"Anyway, it's gooder than gold to see you home-slice..."
I say leaning in for a well-received dap handshake and hug before stepping back and getting him to his point,
"But I know you didn't just drop in to say hello, so what's REALLY good?"
"You're right. So, color me fucked in the ass when I heard about the nice little scheme you had cooked up here. Anyway, I've been doing some private enterprising myself while deciding not to castrate the entire XWF roster."
"Really? Well color me intrigued..."
"Yeah, so there's this entire faction of incels and potential mosque shooters who get their information from this thing called 'The Intelectual Dark Web'"
"The fuck is that?"
"It would take too long to explain, but for quick reference, see free speech warrior Dave Rubin. Anyway, I've been making an ill amount of funds by ripping off the advertisers to these jokers' Youtube channels.
The more views they get, the more the advertisers make, the more I funnel into offshore accounts disguised as dank conservative meme companies. The problem is though, the narratives these people talk about are starting to dry up.
College campus' are starting to clear out for spring break so no active safe spaces. The Muller investigation is over so no conspiracy to kill Trump. Immigration statistics from the border are promising. Bitches are immorally bankrupt these days."
"Damn. Sounds tragic."
"Yeah, so my plan is to smuggle a bunch of heroin into Mexico and dump it on a Guatemalan caravan..."
"I'M IN!"
"But I didn't even tell you how you fit the plot."
"Eh, fuck it. Sounds better than listening to a bunch of scrolling dialogue from cartoons talking about nothing."
I turn back to grab my things before leaving with Luca to do something entertaining when suddenly I'm stopped by one of my employees, a young fellow named Blebo. At least that's how he pronounces his native name. For professional purposes I have him refer to himself as Bob.
"Miss Waters, do you remember you are supposed to film your promotional for the XWF today?"
Shit, he's right,
"Thank you, Bob. Go on, roll the cameras and...
Cue me some triumphant eighties music with meaningless lyrics that are also somehow relevant in an underhanded kind of way
Hiya, folks!
Did any of y'all hear about this?
GameGirl powered her trash talk up to thirty percent.
If yer' confused about what that means as you rightfully would be, it means that she repeats, damn near verbatim, the same redundant talking points that she used at twenty-five percent. It also means she kicks in a few more censored swear words because she's rated E fer' empty-headed.
So instead of adding into her litany of cliche, done-to-death promo talking points, and saying something like "I'm taking it easy on you", GameGirl has to let the world think she's really cool and has the power to sound edgier when she's collected enough golden rings, or eaten enough mushrooms, or has received x amount of damage. What happens when we get to fifty, or sixty, or even seventy percent? Gee-golly-Dolly, do I ever wonder!
Do you start to pull more of that snore-worthy promo style out of yer' bag? A bunch of meaningless claims drenched in hyperbole and the same smug arrogance you accused me of having. Acting like you know the outcome of future matches when you claim to not even remember the times you had yer' ass kicked. Nice cover-up, by the way. A lying little bitch trying to act like my moral superior.
She doesn't remember Lethal Lottery Four because it doesn't fit her bullshit narrative about anyone other than ol' dusty chip herself being a lazy flake who wastes everyone's time. But she does remember a possibly tongue-in-cheek comment left on her wall in twenty-fifteen by an eleven-year-old destined to have a lackluster career. Maybe you could have just said "I wasn't trying", you certainly seem to have a great grasp on what is considered 'trying' and what isn't. GameGirl knows everything.
She knew right when she heard me call her out fer' being a hypocritical dumbass that Dolly Waters lost to Peter Gilmour.
Or wait.
No.
She couldn't have known that... why?
Oh that's because it never happened, duh!
How could I be so dumb?
It's not like once she heard me say something that embarrassed her, that she would go scouring through my wins/loss record like the good Frodo promo-style jacking bitch that she is to try and find anything that she could use to embarrass me with, would she?
Nah!
Because GameGirl knows, and GameGirl remembers. CLEARLY, she remembers some random fatal four-way match in twenty-sixteen, also while her "Game was turned off" involving Gilmour, Bourbon, and Kennedy that Bourbon won. Or she went and dug through the history books just like the father of her shitty promo style, to find something to say. Because she doesn't have an original fucking thought of her own. But I guess all of that just means I lost to Gilmour, huh? I guess that's why she says I'm just not good enough.
Here, maybe I'll try some of yer' hyperbole out: GameGirl is slobbering so hard on Lux's slong in her promos because she hopes he'll take it easy on her in the tournament finals. After all, she's going to beat me! She says I don't stand a chance and blasts the idea of me being what she considers worthy when nobody but her brought that up, not even me.
Now that's fun, huh?
Maybe you'll do MORE of that type of nonsense once you power up more. Talking in absolutes and certainties about things that can't even be factually corroborated.
OH! Maybe we add in more quote boxes! YAY! Because those are all the rage! What's the matter? Someone who is smart enough to know what management is or was ever thinking doesn't even know how to rephrase what someone else said and fit it into context?
Look, GameGirl, I'm really sorry fer' jacking yer' difficulty level up. I say nothing and I'm an underperforming blah-blah-blah. I say something when I have the chance to say something and I'm just a lazy blah-blah-blah. Like it's my fault that you said a bunch of stupid shit in yer' promos. A goldmine's worth of whoopsies to make fun of you over.
Really, yer' nothing. More GameGirl hyperbole. And maybe instead of taking it out on me, you could seek out whoever the idiot was that programmed you to act like a jackass and think that beating Jessalyn Hart somehow means something to anyone. It was that person, not me, who made you perpetually seventeen fer' the last twenty-five years, not understanding that actual humans do change how they feel about certain things. We experience something called emotions. We get happy, we get sad, we get angry.
Blame whoever developed you in a world where people look like trolls with rainbow colored hair fer' thinking that making fun of normal blonde hair, multiple times, is a great form of insult. Blame them fer' why yer' even here in the first place. Why yer' game is so fucking boring and worthless that you had to come to the XWF because... why again are you here?
OH! Fer' the same reason everyone else is in the XWF. To talk shit to people, win matches, and hopefully, championships, make money and to leave yer' mark on the industry. See it doesn't really matter to me, you can call me a flake all you want, there's actually merit to that- but let's not do it while forgetting that I have actually accomplished more in the XWF than anyone in this final four. That's why you jump to discredit my viability without me even saying I'm viable. Because deep down you know it, and you hear it from everyone else.
See, where GameGirl would fancy us all go back and forth with redundant and meaningless facts like a series of Bud and Miller Lite commercials- Lux on the other hand REALLY likes to play up the psychoanalytical nonsense. A teenaged boy who has a woman living inside of him Doctor Phil'ing us all to death. WELL! Isn't that just fucking grand? Lux gets to have almost as many people speak fer' him as Lacklan does while both exuding this totally trite and grandiose sense of mental superiority with all of thier personalities. Like oh-ma-gosh, you seven people have such a way with words!
Listen, honestly in my opinion neither are a really exciting form of doing any of this. But they're both formats of verbal banter that have plagued the XWF ever since I've been around. The former was coined by perhaps one of the worst people to ever walk the face of the planet, while the latter is just the same ol' Zip-a-dee-doo-dah 'I'll deconstruct yer' character defects by proving I'm a smarter character' garbage that all of the 'intellectual, giants' babble on about.
Call me childish if you'd like, but I'm more partial to the fun stuff like say fer' instance:
GameGirl looks like she's been jizzed on by a giant smurf, how could we ever take her seriously?
Or...
We already knew Lux was gay before he revealed that a woman is living inside of him
Or maybe even...
Lacklan is a Vampire, there's several, very simple ways anyone of us can kill her.
But noooooooo! You shit-heads would rather blather on and on about the most useless of information. Like firstly it's funny that someone as flakey as GameGirl would ever dream talking about someone who comes-and-goes from the XWF.
Seriously?
The good ol' "I've never tried" line just proves that she's got NO moral authority when discussing that subject. Between her and GameBoy I'm pretty sure they've both been running around on and off for nearly five years and have accomplished nothing.
But you, Lux? Listen, we get it, yer' a badass, an awesome new talent that everyone is nuzzling up towards as if they've never heard someone convey a coherent thought in a promo before. But even you get off on this garbage of talking crap to people who take time off, huh?
If yer' as studious as you present yer'self, then how about you go take a look at the Universal Championship history and then ask yer'self how many of those people are still around. You can do the same thing fer' all-time top fifty. I don't think yer' too stupid to not realize that this is just the nature of the beast, after all, sparring us yer' sci-fi hullabaloo, you certianlly came here from somewhere and ended up in a wrestling federation now didn't you?
It happens all of the time, seriously... bright and shiny new objects like Lux and Lacklan crawl out from under a rock and make a splash in the XWF. I was once one of those bright and shiny objects myself. As was GameGirl, though she totally failed to seize that type of momentum because she is indeed RATHER flakey. But fer' whatever reason those "greats", which is a REALLY subjective way of labeling any of them, tend to go leave and go on elsewhere fer' any given reason or the other.
From what I hear this Centurion guy is supposed to be quite the badass as well, and I can almost stake my entire reputation on it that some good-doing clown that promos against him will try calling him out fer' being a "flake". See this whole "thing" that you all think yer' doing, it's just fucking bleh, ya' know?
And here's what's so ironic about the XWF: Sarah Lacklan comes around as the most cliche glamour-crazed angsty mean-girl who is smarter-than-you character ever, and yet she's the most original thing I've seen in the XWF in years. That's why I gravitated towards her because she's offering entertainment to this place fer' once. Not another boring ass sci-fi story that we've seen played out in some form or fashion over and over again.
Sure, Lacklan may be oozing with that trite 'knowing people better than they know themselves' shit that I despise, but at least it's not coupled with another mystery wrapped within a satire mystery that everyone fast forwards to get to the trash talk.
People when the dust settles and Lacklan has put Lux back in his grave, and I've ran my knee so far down GameGirl's throat that we won't hear from her again fer' another year or two, go on and fer'get what you thought you knew about what's good and what's not in the XWF. And fuck whatever arbitrary cliquy brain trust of lifeless douches JUDGES as such. Dolly Waters, win or lose, isn't going anywhere again anytime soon, and this force that y'all've built me up to be is going to continue being the proverbial thorn to yer' whiny little sides.
"Damn kid. You could of just called em' all faggits."
"Oh yeah! Y'all can suck Luca's dick. Hashtag money over bitches."
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Karma Chameleon, but this isn't your style!", but their concerns would be, as always, arbitrary. ![[Image: 07806540-c6a5-4ad6-a46e-e9f22f4af4da.siz...png?w=1000]](https://snworksceo.imgix.net/dtc/07806540-c6a5-4ad6-a46e-e9f22f4af4da.sized-1000x1000.png?w=1000)
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