There was a light rain in South Florida. Nothing major, nothing more than a misting, but enough to be visible on a windshield or a camera lens.

"So we are on our way to a call, apparently there is a guy who is in possession of something that doesn't belong to him--piece of gold, some leather and whatnot--and apparently has been evading. We are going to go try to make contact with this gentleman right now."

The car hummed down the road, the lights from the car illuminating the officer's face. Racing down the road, blowing through stop lights and passing several establishments.

The radio blared through the speakers. "We have a description on the suspect. About 6 foot 6, roughly 230 pounds. Long hair, looks homeless. Has on a tattered leather jacket and, jeans that appear to be too small.....goatee."

"10-4"

The officer looks straight ahead but talks into the camera. They always try to follow the law, at least on television.

"So we have a suspect description......we are going to the scene now......a few officers are in pursuit already. Based on the information we have, this gentlemen probably has someone else with him. We have dealt with him before and he tends to rely on his buddies to help him out......could be a dangerous situation but we are going to check it out regardless."

The car roared forward, the sirens blaring.

Just then the black screen showed up on television's everywhere.


The scene cuts to the Live PD studio as Dan Abrams and his overly tight sweater and potentially female jeans. Next to him is Sgt. Sean "Sticks" Larkin of the Tulsa PD Gang Unit, sitting there with his too short sleeves and shit eating, corn fed Oklahoma grin. What a smug bastard he is. Sitting next to him is the milk dud known as former Washington, D.C. special police officer and crime reporter Tom Morris Jr. Look at him sitting there, pretending he is important or matters to anyone........

*Drew Archyle is a lot like this, no?*

Dan Abrams speaks.

"We have our cameras following 8 departments nation wide, including a NEW department, Miami Florida. Only a limited time, folks, so enjoy it. Lets take you back to Officer Bratt out there in South Florida as he continues to pursue the homeless man who stole the gold."

The car continued to roar down the block, cutting through the rain. The lights of the cars were a bit blurry in front of the camera, and appeared to be slowing down.

"So a few of the other officers think they have located where the homeless man and his associate are located....they have isolated the perimeter."

Finally, after a weird silence and some awkward moments of watching the officer drive (not quite sure how this is entertainment), the cop slams the overpriced Ford into park and jumped out. The camera wiggled a bit as the camera man got out, temporarily distorting the image on the screen, until it finally evened out.

Officer Bratt ran as fast as his department-issued patent leathers would take him. The camera wobbled as the most likely overweight and clearly out of shape photographer followed. When the Miami PD officer stopped, he had met up with a few others. After a brief, inaudible discussion, Officer Bratt mumbled into the camera.

"So apparently this is a guy we've dealt with before. His name is Robert Plain and he seems to think that what he is in posession of is truly his. Apparently he stole it from a mentally handicapped man who went back into the asylum, and now he runs around with his little buddy Drew Textile to try and protect it."

He turns away from the camera as the two police officers chat some more. A few more cars pull up, lights flashing.

Dan Abrams voice comes over the screen.

"MAJOR ACTIVITY IN ARIZONA, THEY'VE JUST STOPPED A LARCENY SUSPECT...But we'll get to that after this break. We're LIVE in SIX STATES."








Live PD comes back after a condom commercial, the guy from Bob's Burgers telling us how Arby's has the meats for sandwich's, some cancer commercial and how treatment is available, and a few too long beer commercials with not-funny-but-attempting-to-be punchlines.

*Drew Archyle is a lot like this, no?*

The screen cuts to Dan Abrams and his two partners, both of them looking rather disinterested and like they would rather be ANYWHERE else. Back to Florida they go.

The cops now have the place surrounded. It appears to be some run down apartment of some sort, but again with the rain it is tough to truly tell. All that can really be seen is that it is a structure of some sort, but that is all that really needs to be seen. The cops have their flashlights and guns out, and the camera stalks behind them, not really helpful to the situation at all.

"Come out, Robert! We know you are in there!"

Cops always say they know you are in somewhere, but do they really know or are they just pissing in the wind and occasionally get lucky?

Yup. Wind piss.

A voice comes back from inside.

"No! Go away! It's Mine! I Earned this!"

The voice was muffled of course, because it was coming from behind a wall somewhere, but the audio was clear enough. Oh the wonders of television production.

"Robert, we won't say it again, come out and surrender the gold, we need to bring it back to its rightful owner!"

But they would say it again, several times. They always say it again. Cops are weirdly patient. Makes you wonder what all these black people on CNN are complaining about.

The man inside, Mr. Plain, refuses again. Officer Bratt comes back onto the camera.

"So it looks like we are going to need to use force. Mr. Plain never makes this easy on us, every time he takes something and claims it as his own it is always a fight to get it back. So what we are going to do now is get the non-lethal guns ready and send a team in to retrieve it".

Cops always feel the need to explain themselves on this show. Just do it already, stop talking about it.

The scene cuts back to Dan Abrams in studio. "We will keep you monitored on this situation in South Florida, as well as our other departments when LIVE PD returns. We are live in six departments."






After some more terrible commercials, LIVE PD comes back and shows some guy pulled over in Ohio for going a few miles over the speed limit. He has weed in the car. They all have weed in the car.

Finally, the scene cuts back to South Florida where officers have entered the establishment where Robert Plain has barricaded himself, afraid to relinquish the gold to someone who is fully capable of taking it by force. He would rather hide. They all do.

Just as the officers were turning the corner, the smaller tag-along who likes to stick his nose in business that isn't his own and claim "brotherhood" but its really just jealousy. His name, once again is Drew Textile.

"No! You can't get near Drew! Robert has earned that gold! Robert is the man! Robert humps me every night to make himself feel better that he has never actually accomplished anything but tells us that he's some indestructible demi-god! You can't touch him!"

His sentence was cut off by the tazer.

Drew pooped and pissed himself, and fell to the floor crying as they put on the cuffs.

Robert was hidden pretty well, however, nestled behind the idea that strength in numbers make him the one who matters most.

Seeing his partner taken down with relative ease--something he should be used to at this point--Plain takes off running. He always runs when he has to do something alone.......

Until.......

He is cornered.

"DROP IT! PUT YOUR HANDS UP! DROP THE GOLD! DROP IT!"

The studio cuts back to Dan Abrams as Sticks Larson has a smug look on his face, as usual.

"You know, in the gang unit, we see this a lot. These guys think they have strength in numbers, and once the numbers break down, they show their true colors. They really aren't all that by themselves."

Tom Morris chimes in, as though his opinion matters. I mean, he was a "special police officer". He is basically a mall cop that is allowed to carry a weapon.

"I guess he won't be doing that again."

Great contribution, Tom. All that talk, and nothing to actually show for it.

*Robert Main is a lot like this, no?*