A whirlwind of jerky camera shots. Flashes of towering trees, glistening lakes, and gorgeous springs. As the images whiz past, we pick up a song interjecting itself into the mix;





The camera's shakiness slowly steadies, and we find a face.





He, as in Reeve, brushes his thumb against the side of his nose, stretches his arms back a bit, and then escapes into, as Foley would put it, 'PromoLand'.


"Cyrax. I'm gonna call ya Cyrax. Cuz Mortal Kombat is the shiz-nitch bitch, whoop whoop! Now, Young Cyrax, you have something that I want. A date with TJ Wallace. All the ladies know it's all about the BBC, and hun? So do the gentlemen, if you catch my drift." Reeve giggles to himself, before continuing. "You two were making such beautiful music together, I just didn't want it to end, it was like sitting front row at a five-star Broadway musical. You both have a knack for saying the words 'dick', '' and 'period blood' 37 times in a row, I mean, ohmigawd, it's like a gift ya know?

"But on to the topic at hand. You are just the most adorable, cute little furball I ever did see, and if this wasn't for a title, I'd totally hit you up for your number. But this isn't Fuckbook and you're not a fake profile created to jip desperate dudes into giving up tons of cash for pictures of 'red hot girls near you' that actually live in Sweden or some shit. No, you're a fake wrestler who's coasting on his 15 minutes of fame with the Federweight title. The only reason I'm in your neck of the woods is because I've nothing better to do, and I'd like to add another trinket to my Ark strap.

"You may be cute, but you're as dumb as a bag of rocks that Peter dug up somewhere outside a van by the river. Which river? Beats the fuck outta me, next question. You've gotta be, what, 18 right? I love the pants, I'm gonna have to find a pair of my own, but srsly cutie, this happens to be a belt that heads from waist to waist quicker than Clay Aiken's career went from decent to deceased. I suppose what I'm trying to say is... would you be my China Girl?"

Reeve winks at the camera before blowing it a kiss, lifting up the heart symbol, and flipping off Cymbal and pinning him.

Calix kicks out and puts Reeve down with a quick DDT before pacing around with a confused look on his face.

Wait a second..... Stop the presses..... I.... I... I understood him? Usually when that asshole talks he's about as easy to follow as a kid with ADHD on cocaine. Yet this time his words didn't devolve into a clusterfuck of epic proportions? Well, there's only one explanation for, I've been roofied. Makes perfect sense, whatever this asshole slipped me must have given me the ability to decipher the bullshit that he produces because there is no way in hell that he is actually making sense for once. No, that would be like Frodo making anti-rape commercials or Sid Feder playing hopscotch with John Samuels, it's just never going to happen.


Well Reeve I've got news for you, whatever you drugged me with isn't going to work because I refuse to let you Bill Cosby me! Which is the only way you'd ever get any of this by the way. Are you kidding me? Aiming a little bit out of your league aren't you? Even if I did swing that way it's obvious that I'm a god damn 10 while you dwell somewhere towards the bottom of the scale and I'm just talking about wrestling ability here. In the looks department I'm more like a 10,000 while you maintain your position as a well below average chump. Oh and I hate to break it to you but if you think my fifteen minutes of fame has anything to do with this title then you've got another thing coming. I know full well what this title is worth around here, not much. Yet I walked into the XWF and claimed it as my own for one simple reason, because I could. You on the other hand claim to be here for the same reason but are you really? Are you here to claim a worthless title just because you can or are you here because it's the only title that you actually think you can win. Seriously Reeve, when was the last time that you actually won a match? Regardless of the answer I'm sure that it's beyond pathetic and I'm sure in a couple months time you'll still be trying to add Federweight Championships to your resume just so that it isn't barren while I'm claiming real titles for myself.

Winner and STILL Federweight champion: Calix