The scene opens to Bruce Blingsteen sprawled out on the floor, wearing a bathrobe and a pair of birkenstocks. He takes a long drag from from his blunt and exhales a cloud of smoke large enough to make Los Angeles look like Teletubbyland. Bruce attempts to sit up, but crashes back down with a loud ‘thud,’ prompting a laugh from the entire crew. Bruce throws his arms up and places them behind his head and closes his eyes.
â€I’m so fucking bored, man. I thought this XWF shit was supposed to be non-stop action and excitement, but so far it’s just been some weakass chumps with overinflated egos and underdeveloped brains trying to convince me that they’re tougher than I am. Not one of them has even come close. Not that I hate laying around and smoking weed all day with you bros, but I’m dieing for an actual challenge. I was kind of hoping Pest would be in the mood to be an overachiever, but just like everyone else he can barely be bothered to promote the match. I mean, his tired old rape stories don’t exactly make a compelling case for him to have any kind of chance of beating me this weekend, but at least he could pretend that he knows he’s not already beaten. He puts out one promo that would be atrocious by even Ghost Tank’s standards and then just vanishes. What the fuck?
He calls me vulgar. Oooooh.
He says I’m mediocre. Ooooh.
He says I’m a terrible negotiator. Ooooh.
He says I’ve only had one successful match, despite acknowledging 2 of the other wins I’ve had since I’ve joined the XWF… Huh? That’s a bit of a head scratcher. He must not realize that I’m continually challenging people more experienced and accomplished than myself. Or he’s just fucking stupid.
Yeah, it’s probably that.
I can deal with him not understanding how to properly cut someone down verbally, clearly the art of shit talking was lost on him, but the garbage he tried before that was downright baffling. Was he trying to take away some ammunition from me or something? ‘Oh yeah you beat Gilmour, who I lost to, but I didn’t really lose to him so it doesn’t count.’ You fucking kidding me right now? I’ve taken out both Unknown Soldier and Peter Gilmour, both members of the XWF top 50, both multiple time champions, both holding wins over Pest. Does he really think it fucking matters if he was pinned or not? A losing team is a losing team. If he wasn’t so ‘mediocre,’ he would’ve found a way to win. You stick me with anybody on this roster against Unknown Soldier and Peter Gilmour, even if it’s a piece of absolute shit like Thunderbolt X, and my team is going to win more times than not. And it has nothing to do with my partner, it’s because I know damn well that I’m good enough to beat anybody on this roster. And what happens if we lost? Then I’d admit it, I take it like a grown ass man and say I was beaten, I don’t go sniveling like a coward trying to throw shade at my partner. That’s just a bitch move, man. Maybe I’m expecting too much from a guy who has a slap fight with bigass Russian whale clitoris who rips his jokes straight from episodes of Hell’s Kitchen? Speaking of, how the fuck is his contracted muscle too much of a pussy to fight me, but Pest is going to come out and call me ‘mediocre?’ What’s he gonna say, I wasn’t worthy? Considering I’m the Xtreme champion, that would hold less weight than Pest’s skull.
Like I was saying, that was a cute attempt and all, but Pest just gave about as scathing of a review of yours truly as Nova Sin did, and that used up hag didn’t say one fucking word.â€
Flynn looks back at Bruce with a confused look on his face.
"Sorry bro were you saying something?"
â€What? You guys weren’t even listening to me?â€
"Nothing personal dude, but we’re watching this video where these cats are rapping about sausage. It’s funny as fuck.â€
(ooc: If you don't know what I'm referring, please watch and enjoy this. )
â€Oh man I saw that shit. It’s not -that- hype.â€
"I dunno man, it’s pretty cool!"
â€We could do that shit, it’d be a piece of cake.â€
They all look to each other and then back at Bruce. Without saying a word, Henry begins pounding his fist on the table holding several bags of weed. Dick pounds his fists on the table in unison as the beat grows louder.
â€Oh we’re doing this right now? Word.â€
â€Everybody say ‘sausage’ keep it goin’!â€
“Eggs, bacon, grits…â€
â€Sausage!â€
“My shits too big, can’t hide the…â€
â€Sausage!â€
“Fuck Cap’n Crunch, make me some....â€
â€Sausageâ€
“Actually I’ll eat that but still bring me…â€
â€Sausageâ€
“Pest gotta force ‘em they dont want his…â€
â€Sausageâ€
“Shits so small they don’t cant feel his…â€
â€Sausageâ€
“Ain’t no trauma they don’t remember that…â€
â€Sausageâ€
“Aye bros I’m tired now, sick of rapping about…â€
â€Sausageâ€
“One of y’all get in, drop a line ‘bout…â€
â€Sausageâ€
"Bigass dick holdin’ you down, you my motherfuckin...’"
â€Hostage!â€
â€Well, that’s not quite right, but nice.â€
"My throat’s sore get me a...â€
â€Lozenge!â€
â€Aye man that’s not really...â€
"Puppy needs treats get him a..."
â€Snausage!â€
â€Okay maybe we should stop right here.â€
â€That bird can’t fly, it’s a motherfuckin’...â€
â€Ostrich!â€
â€Wow, that got real interesting, real quick. That’s why you guys are my boys, we have some damn good fun. You think the Black Hand is doing shit like that? Nah man, Muddy is too busy fucking pigs, Scully is too busy cosplaying as pigs, Morbid is either trying to convince the rest of them that he’s not gay, and Pest is just twiddling his thumbs trying to come up with ways to make himself sound even more disgusting and redundant. The sad thing is, he probably thinks there’s still some shock value left to what he’s doing. He’s like a Troma movie, he doesn’t aim to have a point or offer anything of substance, he just tries to shock and offend as many people as possible in hopes that some of the shit he’s throwing at the wall sticks.
Nah, it doesn’t. He’s just a tired act now, a used up gimmick that wasn’t worth jack shit from the get-go. How long is it before he realizes that he is the least talented, by a large margin, of the Black Hand? I mean come on! He’s worse than Scully, who willingly admits to being a ‘ .’ You ever wiped your ass and looked at the toilet paper afterwards? That’s what Pest’s entire existence reminds me of, the act of examining your own shit streaks on toilet paper. It stinks, you know you shouldn’t look at it, but some morbid curiosity leads you to do it. And the result is always the same, a feeling of self-disgust followed by instant regret of what you just did.
At Bad Medicine I’m going to run right through this pointless piece of shit en route to stronger and more worthwhile competition. I almost feel ashamed that the people paying their hard-earned money aren’t even going to see Pest attempt to put up a good fight. It’s going to be a dismantling that’s going to leave Pest broken, humiliated and discarded like the worthless piece of rancid garbage that we’ve all grown to know and hate. And once I beat him and my boys beat his suckpuppets, we’re going to prove to the entire XWF that Brick Squad is the real deal and that nobody out there can hang with us.â€
Bruce takes another long drag off his blunt and pitches it into an empty fishtank. He checks the time on his phone and hops to his feet in a panic. He throws on his Bulls snapback and starts to rush out the door.
â€Sorry bros! I’m in some competition I’m late for. If you can stay overnight in this haunted ass mansion, you win the whole fucking house! Brick Squad is about to expand our real estate holdings. Later.â€
Bruce bolts out the door as the scene fades to a haze.
![[-]](https://xwf99.com/images/portal2/collapse.gif)
The following 2 users Like Brucette Blingsteen's post:
.’ You ever wiped your ass and looked at the toilet paper afterwards? That’s what Pest’s entire existence reminds me of, the act of examining your own shit streaks on toilet paper. It stinks, you know you shouldn’t look at it, but some morbid curiosity leads you to do it. And the result is always the same, a feeling of self-disgust followed by instant regret of what you just did.
