We're taken to a remote location in the dead of night as an old warehouse stands alone in the middle of an unkempt field. The night air is blowing lightly as the long grass sways at a gentle pace. The sounds of crunching under a pair of boots can be heard as the camera shakes slightly with each step, revealing in the process that this cameraman doesn't have the sturdiest of hands or the best in recording equipment. The XWF was unable to send one of their usual camera crew members to this location as, upon being told of the assignment, most of them feared they either would not return or might end up coming back permanently traumatized.
The assignment in question?
Make a Mark Flynn promo watchable -- but beyond that -- memorable. A task to be tackled by none other than Mister Mystery 17 31707 1 with assistance from 3 x Better Sid Feder.
The members of the crew immediately knew which promo was the one being improved upon. The one that took Mark Flynn almost the entire week to figure out how to finally shoot and release on the air, even though the Feder camp has been releasing non-stop quality without even trying; simply by having random cameramen in the right place at the right time while going about their normal routine much of the time. That's not to say all of the footage from Mister Mystery has been spontaneous but when you open a promo to the sight of Sid Feder nervously waking up Mister Mystery because of a phone call about steroid accusations, it starts to become clear that cameramen are present at all times with the higher talent of the XWF; something Mark Flynn must know nothing about when you pay close attention to the manner in which he tries to "insult" some of the recent footage that has covered the twists and turns of the always unpredictable Feder lifestyle.
Not only was Flynn directly ripping off Madison's comments about "magic, tricks and bunnies in hats" only to reword them in sloppier garments, but Flynn also managed to present the case in a much more juvenile manner when he sat there rambling on about "Now Mystery's not Sid -- now he is Sid -- now he's this -- now he's that -- now Flo's dead -- now Flo's alive -- and on -- and on -- and on --
And on.
And on.
Let's break this down into true Flynn style-
Now, as I was saying-
And on.
And on.
And on.
More unwanted and overly exaggerated pauses.
Pause again, between words that should have been.
A complete.
Sentence.
But.
Are not.
In Flynn lingo.
Because that.
Somehow.
M
a
k
e
s
.
I
t
.
M
o
r
e
.
Dra-
ma-
tic-
But it's not my job as the narrator of this tale to rip Flynn a new one, even though I very well could. I'm just playing around right now and killing time. I'm just having some fun right now because it's too easy. It's like when a kid finds his daddy's gun and starts shooting it in the yard -- sure, he doesn't know what the hell he's doing but it's fun because it's easy. That's me right now; a kid in a candy store as soon as I saw a copy of the material Flynn tried to push this week against the Feder camp.
I should stick to my job though; stay professional. It's my job to help guide you through the events taking place in this promo -- one that actually is being prepped ahead of time by Mister Mystery and Sid Feder, just like Mark Flynn seems to think all of them are even when live camera crews follow the Feders around; something that's been going on since before the Feders even heard of the XWF. Perhaps if Flynn ever becomes interesting enough to have people wondering what goes on in his everyday life, he'll also have cameras catching him during spur of the moment activities that even Flynn didn't see coming. Then, when somebody he's facing tries to insult his "promo" which merely was a live recording of things taking place in his life, he can drone on.
And on.
Like.
This.
About how foolish that party was for making such an imbecilic mistake. Insert anywhere from 4 to 10 words that all basically mean the same thing but you think your audience might find impressive to utilize. Then, when an opponent calls you out on it and predicts that you'll fall back on they're admittedly simplistic mental grasp of language and use it as part of your ammunition, you can make sure to do it just like you did this week. Do you actually think you beating Mister Mystery in the class spelling bee is going to stop him from crunching your cranium between his palm and the brick wall of the school after that final bell rings? You do don't you?
The predictability in your attack is not quite as obvious as Madison, but you're getting there. You're really getting there. Keep practicing.
The hypocrite is strong in you; however, Mark F'ing Flynn. Feed it. Feed it. Let it consume all that you are. You're a much better hypocrite than John Madison even though he's a little better at delivering "your" insults to Mister Mystery before you deliver them yourself.
Much like how Flynn claims that Mister Mystery is all presentation? All show? Again -- good job copying weak tactics already used by who?
That's right -- John Madison! Nice work taking his strategy and repackaging it in a sardine can for your viewers. Mark Flynn claims that Mystery spends all his time talking about chain saws and other random weapons but from my recollection I seem to think Mystery talks a lot about success, domination, and forcing anything and everything to go his way no matter what. He might bring an ax with him to the set of an interview but how much time did he really spend talking about the ax? I'm sure Flynn can dig up an actual, literal soundbite somewhere of Mister Mystery talking about all of his weapons so let's hope that's the basis of his next promo.
Interesting train of thought though -- claim somebody is all about presentation but still be Mark Flynn as you do it.
You know -- the same guy who, when airing promos for Warfare which is the "censored" show, has a plethora of radical and adorable custom censors being injected into his final product before it airs! You'd think he couldn't air a promo without a third of it being unacceptable language!
Holy f(udge on a stick) Mark Flynn! That's just the most creative s(heep skin) that any of us have ever seen worn by a predator of the weak. Do you know what's funny though? Take a Mark Flynn promo that gets aired on UNcensored programming and you come in expecting fireworks -- but you leave wondering where were all the envelope pushing, nasty, cutting insults and profane slurs that get cloaked in such colorful censorship when he's on Warfare's time?
What happened to Mark F(reshly caught flounder) Flynn? Why doesn't he morph into Mark Fucking Flynn when the censors he thrives off ofhates so much are taken away?
I hope he tells Mister Mystery and Sid Feder more about how they're all about presentation and show, though. I hope he tries to make them out to be the hypocrites even further. Maybe Mark can sit there watching the tape of himself getting pinned by Mister Mystery while claiming that Mister Mystery can't deliver in the ring. I just hope he starts the tape at the part where Mystery kicked out of Flynn's finisher while he sits there making excuses about how he had been beat down by Madison and Arzegotti. If Flynn had been in a direct contest with Mister Mystery that night he would have been in much worse shape than what Madison and Arzegotti left him in. He probably wouldn't have even been healthy enough to hit his finisher at all.
Mark Flynn -- King of Excuses while calling others such as Sebastian Duke out on their own excuses and hypocrisy. What a loop.
:3 x Better: What the f(ruit loops are tasty) are you doing?
Sid's finally come up to me and is asking me about-
-wait a minute -- did he just get Flynnsored?
:3 x Better: Why the h(ulu is a great site for watching shows) am I getting f(rench onion dip on sale for 50% off) censored? More importantly if I'm getting censored why isn't it my own custom censoring that I used to use back in 2012? You know! This fCENSOREDing one! sCENSORED!
He's right. Somehow he's actually getting Flynnsored and it's really bad. If Flynn was going to rip off custom censors he should have just kept them pink and given Sid Feder credit at the end of his thoroughly thought out, masterpieces that he takes an entire week to shoot. Sid Feder seems pissed.
Here comes Mister Mystery -- Oh great.
:MM 17 31707 1: What's all this weird s(pend $9.99 on Mark Flynn merchandise, receive only $3.33 worth in the mail!) I'm hearing over here? I'm trying to set up the spotlight for the opening of this Flynn promo. You know -- where the camera opens and all we see is a spotlight on a steel chair? I keep having trouble with the wiring. The instructions are using too many big words that I don't know. In fact, I can't understand a single one of them. I may not have graduated the 4th grade but I should be able to read instructions to set up a spotlight.
:3 x Better: Have you tried turning the paper over? You're probably reading the side written in Flynnish instead of English.
:MM 17 31707 1: Why don't you look for yourself and you tell me? And what the F(lynn fucking sucks. Yes! Snuck one in!) are you doing?
Mister Mystery is looking directly at me as he asks this. He's right -- I shouldn't still be here discussing things with them as my only task here is to be the narrator. I also realize I've overstepped my boundaries by giving Mark Flynn a piece of my mind that he'll just sound as stupid as John Madison does when he retorts as though the things said by me, the narrator, were comments of Mister Mystery's. This is me giving you a freebie, Flynn, because you clearly are the one that needs it. If you address any of what I've said between my narrations of this promo thus far, you need to remember it came from my mouth and not out of Mister Mystery's mouth. Don't pull a Madison and make yourself look like an even bigger douchebag who can't pay attention or distinguish left from right. We all know that even though you're a better in-ring performer than John Madison is, you're just as fucking stupid when you're pitted against an opponent who actually knows their head from their ass.
Madison VS. Flynn VS. Mister Mystery?
Sound good, anyone?
We can all finally put to rest those thoughts of Flynn actually having substance on the mic? Yes, M.I.C., Flynn. It's short for microphone -- the thing you wouldn't recognize unless your opponents that week were bumbling buffoons who tripped over its cord and sent it flying into your face between shots of liquor. Remember though, kids! This is still the narrator talking. I can't vouch for Mister Mystery on whether or not he'd even waste his time in a triple threat match geared solely for exposing Mark Flynn as the weakest trash talker of an entire multi-competitor match. How about it, Flynn? Do you want it? Maybe if you ask Mister Mystery nicely and promise to use small words so he can understand you 3 x better, he'll accept and put you out of the misery that is your own self proclaimed state of dominance.
Oh, and you'd still get to claim you've never lost a singles match this year! Because when you get pinned in it, and you know you would be the one pinned in that contest -- you can take comfort in the fact that it wasn't a singles match. It will be like when you were a kid wrestling on top of a bed and getting slammed around; at least you knew you had soft pillows and blankets to land on. At least you could take comfort in not being slammed down on actual concrete, which is close to the way here in XWF that you'll never accept a one on one match with a real competitor -- a.k.a. not one of the pushovers on Warfare.
The best part about that? John Madison is also too much of a coward to face you one on one, which he's already admitted and bragged about (if you paid any attention) so you wouldn't even have to worry about taking a singles loss to Madison after the triple threat match. And as for Mister Mystery? You won't have to worry about him wanting to beat you in a singles bout. Do you really think he'd even waste his time with you again after pinning you in the 5 on 5 match last week, then exposing you for the lingual fraud you are this week, and then gaining another win over you in the triple threat? Why would he want to beat you again after that point? He won't. Think about it, Flynn -- it's the perfect chance for you to spend an entire week prepping a promo that can be summed up by a competent observer in just 3 lines; and sound better in those 3 lines.
What? You wish Mister Mystery's narrator would stop putting you on the spot? You don't want a triple threat match that the world would kill to see?
Figures.
After all.
You're.
Ma.
rk.
Fuc.
king Flynn. (the only way the word "king" will ever precede the name Flynn; right there pal. Written in your own lingo!)
:3 x Better: Are you finished?
:MM 17 31707 1: No kidding -- at this rate we should just send you into the gauntlet so you can hopefully get drawn against Mark Flynn and beat the living shit out of him. Oh hey I finally stopped getting censored in that god-awful manner when I curse.
I look at Mister Mystery and I tell him it's called Flynnsored; not censored.
He knocks me out.
Looks like we have to put the whole "Let's teach Flynn how to shoot his anti-Mystery promo the right way" angle on hold. I'm in dream land right now, folks. I know this because I can see Mark Flynn forming real sentences without ridiculous fucking 3 minute breaks between them, and I can see John Madison actually wearing name brand shoes and bragging about something "good" that he did. What's that good deed, you ask? Supplying Flynn with about half of his anti-Mystery trash talk this week. Ouch.
Better tell Madison "thanks" and send him some orange roses. A short, 90 pound man with a squeaky voice (me) just spent an entire Mister Mystery promo telling you off and exposing you as the hypocritical fraud you really are. Maybe you can come back and use some of this against Mystery. I hope, anyway.
Oh, and don't worry -- the re-shoot of your wretched abomination of a warehouse promo will still air.
This has been your friendly neighborhood narrator -- over and out!
:MM 17 31707 1: Now just a minute -- I hope you people didn't think that just because I knocked that fucking nerd out, this pre-show was over that quick. I heard most of what my narrator just said regarding Mark Flynn and I back up every word of it. If it makes things easier for the dip shits like John Madison and Mark Flynn, you can just pretend it was me saying all of those things except I'd have been cursing more throughout most of it. Now what I want to do right here is leave you all with a very revealing piece of footage. I believe I've discovered footage of Mark Flynn when he was a child and had a small spot on a news report.
That's right!
Somebody, somewhere, actually cared about something he did as a child. It seems that our resident brain child here had won a school spelling bee and even though he couldn't speak at a normal pace (even as a child, which is evident in this video) he still managed to snag a spot on national television.
He wasn't going by the name "Mark Fucking Flynn" way back then, but when you listen to this ignorant, pompous ass of a child talking, you'll know it's Mark Flynn. He even makes excuses for himself when they throw him a live question that he can't get right! It's the King of Excuses back when he was still just the prince!
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