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Tri Bute · (03-16-2014)

Future Letters To The Future Editor:

“Dear Tri-Bute,

What’s all this about you not being able to ‘future bleed’? I just watched you face Steve Davids and at one point you hit the ice really hard and there is blood gushing out of your mouth. Seriously, the whole bottom-half of your face is covered with it. I guess when I was reading the ER scene after you crashed your ‘future car’ in Issue #4 Part 4 you were lying straight to my face. Or what, everyone from the future can’t bleed except for you? I guess this is what a ‘biography’ is now, a bunch of lies written by some crazy person. You aren't really from that future. I've now proven this.

I bet you won’t publish this because it exposes you as a fraud to all your fans, but my feelings are hurt and you are going to have to live with it. I used to like you. I formerly believed in time travel. Now I know what you are. I’ve already tweeted to everyone I know that you’re a liar. My mom said that’s she’s going to boycott your ‘future comics’ forever and so is my dad.

That’s less ad revenue for you, liar. I hope that soon you won’t be able to afford food.” – Peter Anderson, 19, FL, Present Earth

Dear Peter-Anderson,

I have never future bled and I never will. I have lied before. Everyone has lied before, but every event to happen in a future comic is an event that happened during the course of my life.

The instances of blood that appeared on your screen were computer generated. That wasn't future blood future dripping from my future mouth. Sometimes the tech guys get a bit carried away in post-production and add something that isn’t there. They must’ve seen me future spit on the ice and thought that would be a good place to edit some blood in.

Our computer engineers are a very talented bunch, but sometimes they don’t take into account realism. They really do their best to enhance the product in anyway they can. If they think blood will make the match more entertaining it will be thrown in. Personally, I don’t find their services necessary. I would prefer it if only raw footage was presented and everything could be seen the way they are, but it’s still a TV show. It needs some touching up at times; I feel especially victimized by this because little things like blood will 'expose me as a fraud', and I don't want that to happen. I need the ad revenue.

My genetic advantage can still help my team’s success, especially if I show up in the first blood rules round. I will look forward to not actually bleeding in my match on Sunday or any matches thereafter as usual.

You can tell your parents that they can resume reading,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Dear Tri Bute,

I thought you were a good guy! Now I see that you are siding with Team Eli! How could you? I have been reading your future comic thing for, like, ever and you are betraying me! I don’t want my favorite XWF wrestler to be in The CongreGAYtion. They are my least favorite team! Eli is a bad owner! UGH. I don’t like this.” – Alex, 17, TX, Present Earth

Dear Alex,

You thought right; I’m a great future guy. I’m also a team player. I didn’t pick my team; my team picked me. I will be a part of Team Eli at World War X-Treme and I will be competing at the standards expected of me.

Don’t believe everything you hear in a John Austin promo. I am not an example of those who stand with Eli. Our partnership ends when the final bell is rung and the match ends. I will not be joining The Congregation. I have never even heard this Eli James the 4th guy speak before. I am not on his team because I am a devoted follower of his sermons or because I’ve been blinded by his 'hillbilly lies'.

Eli has invited me to some sort of team-building exercise at a church that I will be attending. I will be wearing a tin-foil hat while I speak with Mr. James because I have been told it will stop him from probing my mind or hypnotizing me. I look forward to meeting him and with that precaution taken I will feel safe doing so.

Thank you for caring about my status and safety,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“When are you going to defend that metal thing you carry around? I was under the impression that things were going to change in the Trios Division after The Future Wildcards won it, but things are just the same as when Peter Gilmour was carrying the belts around with two MIA partners. I really like six person tags and I want to see more. Can you please defend the belts? At least once?” – Barbara, 23, NC, Present Earth

Dear Barbara,

Theo Pryce, Olive Pendershore, and Dr. Zero have a title shot. I don’t know if they plan on using it any time soon, but it’s there. The problem with the Trios division is that there usually aren’t enough talented workers to fill up the card with three of them in the same match defending their belts. The matchmakers like to round out the card so every match has someone that people like to watch. If every match was John Austin versus Smoke Man, a match between two talent less and boring performers, leading up to the main event between me and Jessie Diaz, who would watch that? It would make more sense to put me against Smoke Man and Jesse against John Austin. That way there is an interesting performer in every match.

The XWF general managers and co-overlords don’t usually book ‘one-match shows’. They know that if every single moment of their program is enjoyable then people will keep coming back for more. What would stop people from watching Twitter feeds to see when the match between Jessie and I starts so they could just tune in then? They obviously don’t want to suffer through Smoke Man versus John Austin to get to it. Barbara, the fun and exciting matches can only happen if exciting people are in them.

Our first title defense will happen when there are a set of worthy opponents for our championships and the powers that be decide that the show won’t suffer from Jessie, the new Egyptian Snow Pharaoh, and I being involved in the same match. It could be months and it could be years, but it will happen when it happens. It’s out of my control. I’ve been cursed with this impressive ring-presence, likeable personality, and massive fan-base, there had to be drawbacks at some point. Jessie and I may seem like weak champions at times, but that’s simply because our bosses need to have full cards with matches people want to see.

Please send all concerns regarding this matter to a matchmaker or the director of talent relations. They're in charge of who gets hired and who they're pitted against.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

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“Hi Tri Bute! I’ve been watching your career closely ever since your match against Kyle Morrison when you hit More Tri For Your Bute. That was the most devastating maneuver I’ve ever seen, so naturally after I immediately looked it up on YouTube and I quickly discovered that it was the only time you ever hit the move. I prayed and prayed for you to do it again and I almost gave up completely until that match at Nero Games with Tony Santos. I want more.

There are plenty of clips of Indy losers trying to reinvent the phenomenon of that technique, but when they do it…it feels cheap. I can tell that you put your heart and soul into every future steamroller, every 450 future splash, and every Future Moonsault. I need more magic in my life Tri Bute. I can’t just see it every six months and be happy. I need more.

Tri Bute, I'll cut to the chase, I am terminally ill. I have Cancer so bad that I can’t move my fingers. My mom is typing this for me right now. Can I please just see this sweet move at least one more time before I shut my eyes forever? Can you do it to Theo Pryce for me at the PPV? Pretty please with future sugar on top?” – Andy, 8, TX, Present Earth

Dear Andy,

There sure seems to be a lot of obsessive people today. “Tri Bute, will you please do this for me!? I need you to do this!! I might die of CANCER if you don’t!!! My eternal happiness is at stake!” Let’s all stop being so needy, okay? You may want something out of me, but tears aren’t going to make it happen any faster. This goes for Barbara and Alex as well.

Every time I did that maneuver it was to make a statement. When I hit Kyle with it I showed I was ready to face actual challengers and when I hit Tony Santos with More Tri For Your Bute I proved that I was ready for the European championship match later that evening. I would love to use that maneuver on Theo, but most of the time I’m more focused on the match I’m about to win than on adding insult to injury.

I’m not promising anything. If the stars align and I find myself in position to I will, but I will wrestle as usual. It will happen naturally when I can do it successfully.

There’s a reason why you called it a phenomenon. When it happens it’s special and unexplainable, but it’s still just a wrestling move. If I hit More Tri For Your Bute to Theo Pryce, the guy who is only the king because he beat me in a popularity contest, and pin him in the center of the ring to close out World War X-Treme it isn’t going to suddenly cure your Cancer. This isn’t an inspirational future sports film, Andy.

I want you to get better; I really do. I just can’t help you with your Cancer and I can tell that’s what your request is really about. I’m sure doctors are trying to figure it out though. Don’t rush them.

With that said, if I do hit the move, you have to promise to get better for me! Keep reading the future comics! Click on ads.

Love, (Platonically)
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Future Letter To The Future Editor #5: Peter-Anderson, Alex, Barbara, Andy (2)
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