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+--- Thread: So............. (/showthread.php?tid=758)
So............. - scottymac - 02-09-2013
So......this is my first real rp in like two years.....any feedback would be great help. I don't have alot to work with yet but they will get more longer.....
So............. - "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane - 02-09-2013
Link to the RP: http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=757
So............. - C Y R E N - 02-09-2013
Well, Chico... I like it, amigo!
Looks like Scotty Mac is here for BIDNESS!
Playa, playa word word, playatastic!
So............. - Wallace Witasick - 02-14-2013
It's a good start. You've developed a character with a personality and story to tell. I think that you will expound a bit more on what type of person your character really is when you get more involved as the weeks progress.
A little more character background would be a positive thing for you..
Who is this James and what exactly is his relation to Scotty...
Anxious to see what you come up with...
I have a suggestion for your writing and I'm going to point out one paragraph in particular...
He smiles and puts his hand on the door. He holds it there for several seconds before walking away. He makes his way down a stare case and into a modern kitchen. He opens a cabinet and takes out a bottle. He shakes a few vitamins into his hand and puts them in his mouth. He reaches next to him and grabs a glass of water. He quickly swallows the pills and puts the glass down next to him. He grabs a paper next to him and begins reading it. He shakes his head a few times.
Notice how almost every sentence you begin with the word 'He.'
Try and use a wider and more creative use of words to help the reader visualize different descriptions of scenes.
What if instead of he you substituted...
'The Rookie'
'The newcomer'
'Mr. Scotty Mac'
A great thing to do is substitute certain nick names or alias such as...
'Bloodknight Rogue' -- Cyren
'Cyaneyed Assassin' --NeoNero
'Angel of Darkness' -- Sebastian Duke
'Mid-Night Stalker' -- Unknown Soldier
'The Mechanic' -- Griffin MacAlister