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+--- Thread: Feedback on latest RP? (/showthread.php?tid=6791)
Feedback on latest RP? - Mr. Radio - 09-20-2013
I changed some things up on how I write my stuff so I just wanted some opinions on this. It will be very helpful.
Fire and Fury
Feedback on latest RP? - Minxs - 09-20-2013
I love it, I love it, I love it!
Feedback on latest RP? - AlexandraCallaway - 09-20-2013
Good job Radio.
Feedback on latest RP? - Minxs - 09-20-2013
I'm addicted to the song now.
Feedback on latest RP? - Jessie-ica Diaz - 09-21-2013
All in all, I enjoyed it. That scenario Radio pictured was awkwardly hilarious.
However, there a couple of gripes I have. One kind of nitpicky, and the other two not so much.
Nitpicky one first: Try to use specific verbs as opposed to basic ones altered with an adverb. This isn't to say you can never use the latter, but to use the former as often as possible. For example: "Radio has his arm around Micah and are just sitting casually," could easily be changed to "Radio has his arm around Micah while the two lounge," as lounge has a similar meaning as sitting causally.
Second: Dialogue that doesn't need to be there. Basically; if the characters speaking to each other both know something (For example, the way some space weapon works) they wouldn't talk about it. In this case, " that would be nice. The last time we were there was one of the best days of my life. It was when we truly fell in love. The things you said, what you did, what I did. I just loved it all just because I got spend many romantic hours with you." Could be rewritten as "That would be nice. You do remember the last time we were there; don't you?" Followed by a nod or some affirming response. However, I will commend you for not trying to make dialogue a complete replica of real life conversation; because real life conversations are awkward as fuck with all the pauses, uhs, and off topic shit. That's always a step in the right direction for written dialogue.
Third: The weird switch from third to first person without warning. This, is just kinda confusing after a while. My advice would be to separate (make a new paragraph) for the first person stuff, and then another one to continue with the third person.
All in all though; I liked it. You've been improving massively since you started, and even from when you started with the Mr. Radio character. Just keep it up, and start to read more and more, not only RPs, but books and shit (I'll give you some fucking recommendations, bruh,) and you're gonna go nowhere but up!