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+--- Thread: There's no _ in P_OMO! (/showthread.php?tid=48093)
There's no _ in P_OMO! - "Cavortin'" Jake Borden - 10-14-2024
![[Image: ezgif-frame-004.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/r0rC8CF5/ezgif-frame-004.jpg)
"Good evening, folks! It’s me, “The Always Composed” Pete Rose!"
…
”No relation.”
![[Image: ezgif-frame-025.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/SYmrDYk8/ezgif-frame-025.jpg)
"Now, Jake! Last week, you and Cyrus Braddock battled the #1 contenders to the XWF Tag Team Titles!"
![[Image: ezgif-frame-037.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/0rNKdCqn/ezgif-frame-037.jpg)
"...Yerp."
"Probably the turf… er, toughest fight I’ve ever heard… Imean, *had* in my life.”
“I gave it my all against Misses Aurora and Wyrld… Wylde, Imean!"
”Is something wrong, Jake? You seem to be having a little difficulty with your R’s.”
…
Borden blushes…
”Oh gawrsh…”
The Cavortin’ One turns around, trying to check his backside for anything out of place.
He spins in place several times, like a hound chasing his own tail.
”...No, not your ARSE, your…”
…The commentator sighs, before chopping his hand across his throat.
The camera’s red light powers down!
”Jake! What’s your malfunction?”
”S-sorry, Mister Rose! It’s my turng… Er, tongue!” Borden rubs his jaw gingerly! ”That incredible future merve of Merse Wyrlde's where she slermmed my heard against the mert! Ever since then, my turngue swelled and I keep making ‘R’ sounds!”
Rose exhales impatiently.
“Look, Borden. The crew’s out to lunch in fifteen minutes! Every minute we go over on the production schedule costs the XWF money! So… You got ONE more take to get this promo right!”
…Jake swallows nervously…
Before jogging off to his locker portal…
And travelling to…
| THE 1970s |
“Sur… I carn’t sperk withert my turngue throwing R’s ern every ether werd!”
“...Hmm.” Doctor Nikola Smacksya strokes his chin thoughtfully. “I believe I’ve determined the issue, young Jacob.”
…
“It seems you cannot speak without your tongue inserting R’s in every other word.”
…Jake excitedly taps his nose, like ‘you got it!’
Suddenly, the good Doctor sticks a finger in the air.
“This will not do!” The Doctor exhales. “Tragically, you have become the ambassador of our sport’s time period, dear Jacob. We can’t have you sounding like a backward bumpkin on their magical future television wires!”
…The Doctor reaches into his pocket, retrieving…
A syringe!
Borden’s eyes widen.
“Er… Are yur goring to injerct my merth wert-”
STAB! The Doctor jams the syringe into Jacob’s arm!
Jake grits his teeth!
“OW! That sma_ts!”
…
Jake’s eyes widen!
“Hey! I’m speaking no_mally again!”
“...Well, relatively ‘nomally’...” The Doctor concedes, impatiently, pulling back the syringe, carefully returning it to his pocket. “In your own mind, your speech will sound completely as you intend it.”
“Wow! You’_e a genius, Doc!”
“Correct.” Smacksya nods, neutrally as if Borden’s statement is too obvious to be taken as a compliment. “What I’ve done is… temporarily prevent your mouth from producing an ‘R’ sound. This immediately resolves your issue.” Smacksya spins back up toward his young ward. “But! Cutting a promo without R’s may result in undesirable changes to your intended word choi…”
The Doctor glances up…
…But, Jake is gone!
The Doctor looks left-and-right!
…Before spotting Jake disappearing back into his TIME LOCKER!
“Time to cut the g_eatest p_omo of my life!”
“Jacob! Wait!”
…But, Borden has already disappeared into the time portal.
The Doctor stomps forward to pursue him.
…
Then stops.
And shrugs.
“Eh. I just remembered… I *barely* care about this.”
"Now, Jake! Your match THIS week is against Dominick Strife! How do you feel about it?"
“Well, Pete! My mama always sa-TOLD me… two things!”
“One… A gentleman doesn’t need to cuss to make his point well.”
“Two! Call out Bee-ESS when you see it!”
“And Dominick St_ife… he’s not fo_ _eal.”
“He’s not… faux eel? Excuse me?”
“He’s mo_e phony than a th_ee dolla_ bill!”
…
“Jake, I’m… what are you saying?”
“I’m saying what we all think!”
“Dominick St_ife!”
“Is a C_OCK!”
…”Always Composed”’s face turns BRIGHT white!
“He’s a C_OCK with a BIG HEAD!”
“He’s a C_OCK that’s swinging fo_ the big leagues befo_e he’s been called up f_om the mino_s!”
“He’s a C_OCK that’s gotten too big fo_ his B_ITCHES!”
“His b_itches can’t perch onto this MASSIVE C_OCK!”
“Jake, stop saying that!”
“But, he is, Pete! St_ife is a c_ock!”
“You know how I know he’s a c_ock!”
“He’s too new to the XWF! The XWF doesn’t even sell SHI_TS with his name on them yet!”
“Look out at the fans tonight, St_ife! Those fans? All donning *my* shi_ts!”
“Seattle, Washington! Is coated! Bottom-to-top! With JAKE SHI_TS!”
“Jake! Hold a moment!” Rose pinches his nose. “We understand that you *mean* Dominick STRIFE is a… CROCK. Right?”
“Exactly _ight, Pete!”
“Great! Established! Now… WHY are you the man to beat Dominick Sti-... STRIFE. What EVIDENCE do you have that you’ll be leaving the winner?”
“The most obvious evidence that I’m the man to beat Dominick St_ife?”
…
“Is that he’s a C_OCK!”
“Oh-my-God…” Rose turns his back on the interview, exasperated…
“And I’ve been handling c_ocks all my life!”
“I’ve made my name in this business, as a champion of finishing off c_ocks!”
“Getting my hands on a c_ock and not letting go until that C_OCK’S laying on its back! Completely spent!”
“D’ya think Dominick St_ife has taken on a c_ock in his East Coast, socially-elite life? Even once?”
“No! He’s a p_issy little c_ock himself!”
“But me? I’m a count_y boy!”
“I’m built to take on c_ocks! I’m a one-stop shop, accommodating all c_ocks wanting to take a shot at me!”
“UNPLUG HIS MICROPHONE!”
“Open all day! Twelve AM to eleven-fifty-nine PM!”
“Get ready, St_ife!”
“Once the XWF fans see me beat you one-on-one…”
“They’ll all say…”
“Wow! That C_ock got licked!”
…
“FULL FO_CE!”
…
Borden jogs off, beaming with pride.
…Rose stares off in the middle distance, absolutely disgusted…
…
Suddenly, Borden jogs back in, grabbing the microphone.
“Love you, Mama!”
He jogs back off.
"After airing that promo, the FCC fined the XWF… $275,000!"
”And Jake’s mom had to be hospitalized…”
“For a broken heart.”