David Attenborough: Behold! The Amazon! The mythical cradle of evolution itself. The home to thousands upon thousands of curious species of animal, vegetable and bacterium! Many to-this-day unobserved by the human eye!

The camera slowly pans up to a gorilla troop, sitting in lines and grooming each other, picking bugs out of their manes and consuming them.

David Attenborough: Before you say anything, the gorilla’s grooming habits are NOT gross. It is, instead, a beautiful ritual of shared community between the troop.

*indignant British sniff*

David Attenborough: Of course, the troop has a leader, a dominant male gorilla who h-...

…

David Attenborough: Is one of them… wearing a business suit?

Indeed. A Literal Gorilla (species name: gorilla litteralis) has a harem of fiiiiiiine lady gorillas, picking any and every insect out of his luscious, obsidian fur.

ALG is wearing a hand-stitched Armani suit in a regal navy blue and banana-shaped golden cufflinks. As his female gorilla adorers carefully strip his fur of anything unseemly, it dawns on you that ALG looks like if you chiseled a gorilla out of marble.

David Attenborough: …So… like a gorilla?

Yeah, but like a… Goddamn Gorilla Adonis. Like the Vitruvian Gorilla. The idealized vision of what a fucking gorilla can be. The fucking journey of thousands of years of the gorilla species has lead to this SUPERIOR BEING.

David Attenborough:  …By jove, tone it down a notch, good sir…

ALG’s gorilla ladies all ook and eek adoringly, preening and vying for ALG’s attention, hoping to earn his favor and climb the ranks of females in the troop.

They lay at his feet bananas and shiny rocks.

But, ALG pays these trinkets no mind.

Instead, he stares furiously ahead. In between two branches…

A picture.

A picture of Tommy Wish…

A picture of Tommy Wish from 2012.



(ALG would have printed out a more recent picture, before Tommy Wish (The Foot-Fetishist Time Lord) changed races and lost 20 physical of age…

Unfortunately, Tommy’s more-recent, more-caucasian images are all PNGs…

And famously, gorilla printers only print JPEGs)

David Attenborough: What?!?

Regardless, the Gorilla is about to embrace its destiny. As X-Treme ch-

WHAM! A paper airplane smacks the gorilla in the back of the head!

A plane! Made of paper! This confuses, perplexes and astounds the lady gorillas!

…Of course, ALG is unfazed, as he loves planes.

(It’s been his lifelong dream to fly a World War 2 era bomber.)

ALG carefully unfurls the paper plane, as to perhaps reverse-engineer how this incredible paper takes flight)

Once he does, he sees on the page!

WORDS!

---

Dear ALG,

Hello.

This is Chris Cli Mark Flynn.

The Special Guest Referee for your match.

Now, when I first heard that I wasn’t getting a spot on the card to compete?

I was pissed.

I called Theo and said “I’m a WRESTLER! I signed a WRESTLING CONTRACT! Me refereeing matches is not part of the deal!”

To which Theo replied…

I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.

...

Stupid fucking May the 4th. It’s the one holiday where Pryce has a personality.

And I HATE IT.

…

But, then I zoomed out.

I really though about THIS opportunity. And what your match…

(and, to a lesser extent, Tommy’s match)

Means to ME.

My opportunities are TWO-FOLD!

First.

Because of my career-long feud with every XWF referee, the XWF officiating union recently challenged me, asking if I thought their job was easy.

Hence, I have the unique opportunity to prove that it is.

Refereeing seems like the easiest job in the world.

You watch a fight and tell the two combatants what they’re doing wrong?

WOW! SO HARD!

Second.

I have spent my entire career as an athlete.

As THE GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL-TIME.

Getting judged.

Getting complaints.

Getting told how to do my job… By fucking wrestling fans and commentators.

Who couldn’t WALK UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS WITHOUT GETTING WINDED.

LET ALONE DO WHAT I’VE DONE. WHICH IS DOMINATE THE WRESTLING WORLD.

…

And now!

The shoe is on the other foot.

And I get to line-judge.

I get to thumb my nose.

At Tommy Wish.

And A Literal Gorilla.

…

I can’t wait.

Now, I am nothing if not FAIR!

I will be an even-handed arbiter of JUSTICE!

That said, here are the rules I will hand down to both of you…

At all times, you shall refer to me as ‘The Honorable Judge, Chris Cl- MARK FLYNN’

Instead of being in the ring, I plan to preside over your match at an elevated bench.

You will ask permission before approaching me at the bench. I am more likely to grant your request to approach if you gently curtsy and say 'If it pleases, your lordship...'

I shall count pins with a gavel. Upon one of you pinning the other, I will use the Mississippi counting system until I reach 3 (ironic since most people from Mississippi can only count to 1).

All complaints toward my officiating must be posed in the form of a question… For example, instead of ‘HIS FOOT WAS ON THE ROPES! GET YOUR EYES CHECKED!’, please phrase it as ‘Wasn’t his foot on the ropes? Shouldn’t you pull your goddamned head out of your ass?’

Both of you will get TWO challenges (a la the NFL or the NBA). If either of you dislike a call or decision I make, we will pull up the instant replay on the X-Tron and super-slow-motion the footage to make a decision.

Christopher K. Cl-MARK FLYNN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, CLINTON, GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.