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Becoming B.O.B. - B.O.B. D - 07-22-2023
"I saw what you did to Ned............."
My wife's words caught me off guard, causing me to drop the last clean pair of underwear(a Big D thong from my NWF days) I'd been prepping to pack for my BOB World Tour.
"How much'd ya see?" I grabbed my sorry excuse for undies and shoved them into my suitcase.
"Enough."
"Ah," I responded coldly. It was the only thing I could say. There wasn't a single combination of letters, numbers, or symbols that could ever explain my actions in a way that would ever make sense. Not to her, at least. Instead, I pushed past the love of my life and made my way for the door.
"I know why you did it!" Krystal exclaimed, stopping me dead in my tracks. "Attacked Ned, joined B.O.B................ it's the same reason I know about it all in the first place! You never made headlines before Ned and B.O.B., but you and Ned failed as a Tag Team, and you couldn't stop B.O.B. by yourself. With nowhere to turn, the only way for you to stay relevant is to flip the script, right?...................."
I had no response, at least nothing that wouldn't cost me my marriage. Rather than risk that, I took a deep breath and left my spouse with some parting advice.
"I suggest staying off the internet for a while............"
As I cruised down the street, puffing my pen with every passing block, I thought about what it meant to be bad. The only thing compelling most people to do what's considered 'right' was the fear of judgment, as well as the potential consequences of those actions. We learn this at an early age, receiving our first slap on the wrist for trying to steal our favorite candy, or a toy, after our parents told us 'no.' Then we grow older and realize a slap on the wirst is nothing compared to CORPORAL punishment; but, by that point, we'd already been institutionalized into believing the scale of righteousness bestowed onto us.
B.O.B. has me weighing my virtues a little differently, now.
The light ahead of me turned yellow as I entered the zone where you're encouraged to stop.
"God dammit," I groaned. "That's the fourth light in a row!" My foot reached for the brake, until I remembered I control the scale of justice now. "Fuck iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!"
As the light changed to red, I floored my shitty Pontiac and sputtered on through, damn near getting clipped twice. But I made the light.
"Fuckin' assholes!" I screamed, not giving a DAMN that, to everyone else, it was actually I who was in the wrong. "They almost hit me!!!"
My heart raced at the thrill. For the first time in my life, I wasn't afraid of getting in trouble. The potential for consequence felt more like a boost than a crutch. Needing to share my newfound glory, I picked up my phone and texted the man who inspired me to do it.
#D# Bobby, you'll never believe it! I just ran my first red light!
Upon sending it, I realized something else and had to follow up.
#D# Also, I'm texting and driving! Oh man, what a day!
I'd barely hit send on the second one when I got a damn near instantaneous response.
#The Bobmyster# "You liked running a red light? Dang, Dan, have you shoplifted yet?"
I smacked myself in the forehead. Of course, breaking minor traffic laws was as miniscule as the name implied. If I was to become the villain B.O.B. knew I could, I was gonna have to ditch the Crazy Quilt/Kite Man act in exchange for something a bit more powerful................
I stood at the self checkout line of the local Walmart, scanning the last of my items and bagging them up. After paying for that night's dinner and a couple sodas for the road, I grabbed my receipt and made my way for the door. For some reason, my innocent whistling must've set off some kind of metaphorical alarm, as the elderly greeter stepped out in front of me with an arm extended.
"What seems to be the problem?" I asked, sweat dripping down my face.
"The problem is you didn't pay for any of that," he accused, pointing at my sack of 20 oz Pepsis and personal pizza.
"Yeah huh!" I retorted, holding up my receipt.
The old man grunted. "Not that..........." He repositioned his finger so it was pointed at the unpacked underwear, action figures, beer, lubrication(for me AND my car), video games, jewelry, and chewing gum strategically stacked underneath the lone sack I actually paid for. "THAT!"
I went into panic mode. With feelings of regret starting to build up, I looked past it and dug deep into the baddest part of my soul in order to find a way out.
"HOW DARE YOU!" I blurted out, punching what was likely somebody's poor ole grandad square in the nose. His glasses conveniently flew into my cart as he toppled over the display stand behind him, falling flat on his ass. A crowd of people drew near, looking at me as the villain I'd hoped to become. Unbeknownst to them, though, my biggest scheme had yet to be revealed.
Before anybody could crucify me, I whipped around to the downtrodden old man and pointed an accusatory finger at him. "That man touched my penis, called me a racial slur, AND assumed my gender!!!"
The mob stopped dead in its tracks, turning its attention to the concussion Walmart employee lying in his own piss on the floor.
"GET HIM!!!!!!"
And with that, I was able to slip past security with what would likely be the first of many hauls. Even took the cart. Figured if the homeless can do it, so can I! At this point it almost felt like a challenge. How dare those bums have something I don't.............. Not anymore!!!!!!
Riding high off the ecstacy of committing my first petty theft, as well as a couple of beers (add drunk driving to the list), I pondered what my next step should be. Finally, after a few more Bud Lights, it came to me.
"I'm gonna rob a fuckin' bank!"
After doing some research on my phone, while driving(though it was more like swerving), I found the nearest one and headed in its direction. Once there, I was welcomed with an equally chaotic sight to the one I intended to create. 3 men with guns running out the front door, shooting at every living soul within sight. As they made it to the white Sedan acting their getaway vehicle, the driver shifted into gear and took off.
"That's............ my................. crime................"
A Hulk-like rage took over, causing me to floor it and follow the robbers. They tried to shoot at me, but the trigger happy bandits had exhausted their entire supply of ammo. This gave me an extra boost of confidence, allowing me to speed up and attempt to pit maneuver them.
As all this was going on, a pair of squad cars pulled up on our outside, looking to put a stop to both of us. Seeing a mutual enemy, the crooks and myself each jerked the wheel to opposite sides, taking out both sets of cops. With the road a little less cluttered, we went back to harassing each other.
They twisted and turned down various streets, to the point where I was beginning to notice a pattern. Taking advantage of this, I was eventually able to time one of theirs turns SO perfectly, I came at the driver's side at a completely perpendicular angle, shoving them into the side of someone's house. The impact caused the front of my car to smash through half the car, crushing all four passengers between the steel frame of their own vehicle and my own front end.
All I could hear was the pathetic sound of whimperin' as I exited my car. I limped, gingerly, over to the half living corpses staring at the flames coming from the front of my car slowly making their way towards them. Without a word, I scoped them out and found a half broken briefcase filled with bars of gold, which I took with ease. Upon further inspection, I came across a duffle bag stuffed with 50s and 100s. I slung it over my shoulder, and began to walk off into the sunset. After about 100 or so yards, my Grand Am blew up, causing me to nearly shed a tear. I was finally a cool guy who doesn't look at explos...........
"Wow, that's badass," I exclaimed in awe, looking over my shoulder.
Well, I was a cool guy. I may not have been Thanos just yet, but at least I wasn't Calendar Man.
"Another week, and I'm sure you're all DYING to know why I turned my back on, not only Ned, but XWF as a whole. Tsk, sorry, I ain't the type of villain who reveals his master plan when it's convenient for the audience, let alone the 'hero.' No, Ned can sit on this one for a while; let it clog his mind like a virgin unable to go two minutes without the notion of sex cluttering up everything else in his head. Leap of Faith. Isiah King. The entirety of B.O.B. Like a tightly rolled blunt, this is going to be a slooooooooooow burn, and I don't think the Notorious One has the intestinal fortitude to stay lit long enough to make it around the circle. For all we know, someone'll finish what I started and throw him off the top of the Eiffel Tower.............. just like I should've done years ago!"
"But enough about Ned............... why spark a new joint when there's already one halfway lit. I'm talking about you, Angie Vaughn. What a step down this must be, huh? War Games Captain vs War Games Fill In. I can only imagine we were paired up by the simple fact you had about as much success leading a War Games team as I did.............. except, when I did it, my team actually won! But, hey, who am I to talk shit? Afterall, it was you who eliminated ME last pay-per-view............. a fact that makes this match up all the more pathetic."
"This is a classic example of reaching and settling. I'm the reacher, because clearly wrestling someone of your, uuuuum, 'caliber' is considered pretty good for a big D. You ALWAYS wanna be the reacher in a relationship. People respect the reacher. Anytime you see some fat, Fred Durst looking mother fucker out in public with a beautiful, big titted, blonde, you can't help but tip your cap to him."
"No one wants to be the settler. Nobody chants their name, or aspires to be anything like them. What kind of dream is that? That's like trying to be secretary when you have the potential to be CEO! Instead of aiming high and shooting for the stars, you avoid the challenge and take the easy road. Rather than risk rejection, you bet on the sure thing because there's no way in HELL you're gonna chance losing it all. Even though you probably could."
"That's Angie Vaughn in a nutshell. Could be in the Leap of Faith Match(she definitely deserves a spot more than Ned), or fighting for the Universal Championship; but, instead, she's stuck in the mid-card defending her low tier Title against low tier talent. Talk about being a secretary. Did you know I actually thought Ange was a former Universal Champion when I returned? In the five minutes of research I did leading up to War Games, I was shocked to find out I accidentally mistook her for Peter Vaughn. Sorry, Peter. My point is, even I can admit that Angie Vaughn is better than a TV Title Match against someone whose shoulders she's already pinned to the mat; so much so, I sort of assumed she'd already BEEN to the top. But, the fact of the matter is, Ange'll never grab hold of that brass ring if she isn't even reaching for it!"
"That's where I come in. I know it seems like I dragged myself through the mud alot but A. I gotta beat Angie to the punch because she can't shoot me without any ammo. And, B., everyone knows I AM the reacher and, as such, I have all the less to prove, and all the more to gain! I live for moments like these! If I lose to Angie Vaughn at Leap of Faith, no one will bat an eye. If anything, it's to be expected. The status quo, so to speak. Big D loses again........... cool, what's happening in the Main Event B.O.B. is apart of and Angie Vaughn is not?"
"But if I actually manage to BEAT the Television Champion, my stock will soar! At that point, it's not even about the Title, anymore, it's about staining the Vaughn name by adding it to the short list of people that have fallen at the hands of B.O.B. D! A list that includes Thaddeus Duke, another opponent nobody expected me to defeat. And look what happened to him............ I took the very same Title that I intend to take from Angie in a little over a week! Unlike our current TV Champ, though, at least Thad actually held the Universal Title! So, really, beating Vaughn is actually a step down............ huh, maybe I'M the settler!!! Afterall, I DID request the Leap of Faith Match, and was instead granted me 2nd choice, something that'd keep me FARRRRRR from the Main Event picture. Don't worry, it's allllllllllllll good! TK's got that shit, anyway! And after Bobby wins the Leap of Faith Match itself, B.O.B. will be in complete control! Add in the TV Title, and we'll have the entire card under complete lockdown from top to bottom!!! By the time the night is over, they're gonna be calling it Leap of B.O.B.!"
"So name whatever stipulation you want, use your cowardly Champion's advantage. I may be an old dog, but there ain't a trick out there I don't already know! Ladder, Cage, Hardcore, Bra & Panties, it doesn't matter! You're walking in MY shoes Vaughn, I've held that Title twice as many times as you, and I intend on tripling it! If you, or anyone else, think I'm gonna be the member of B.O.B. that fails at Leap of Faith, you're gonna be sorely disappointed. Nothing can stop B.O.B., I KNOW because I tried! I hope you're prepared for the wrath of B.O.B., because I've been on that side of the table, and it ain't pretty. Imagine an army of warriors, willing to do ANYTHING to win the battle, charging towards the lowly army that is yourself. Most people would shit themselves. I swung, but they swung harder. And now that I have the power of their punch enhancing the strength of my own, there ain't nothing that's gonna stop me!"
"Especially not Angelica Vaughn................"