HAMMER TIME! - Printable Version

HAMMER TIME! - Printable Version

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HAMMER TIME! - (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) - 02-09-2023

When we last saw out heroine, she was blasting down the highway with her old lady balls flapping in wind thanks to her poor choice of attire for a motorcycle ride.

Let's just thank God for modern day XWF censorship!

Anyway!

This mission was to be taken seriously, even by Gravy because it had but one objective, and that super important objective that would serve to keep Gravy's head in the game as well as build the proper amount of diversity animosity needed to rocket her straight through a Misfit and right into a smelly cunt that Gravy would LOVE to offer one of the many tampons she otherwise pointlessly carries around with her!

But first!

The Prime objective must be completed!

Rescue Barney Green from the clutches of an idiot who carries a very sexy hammer! No one can pound me like you do

"IDIOT WITH A HAMMER! That's rich coming from me, right? Who the fuck does Micheal Graves think she is, calling someone else an idiot?"

A stoic and blank stare from the lady that is Gravy!

"Well, you've gotta admit, that IS one sexy hammer! Too bad she ran back to that Von Bon fuckwit! I ain't even like saying that dummies name! And only a dummy would cheer for such a fucking doofus, to! The guys fucking German, so you know he already had the disadvantage of sounding like a jolly little fairy "word I can't say no more"! No, I ain't suddenly abiding by the rules. I just literally CAN'T say it!"

"Watch!"

"SEE!"

"I'll find a way, but point is, the dude already looks like a million bucks and sounds like something you'd bump into in my neck of the woods. He didn't have to go full "other word I can't say no more", but he did, and he does, as does his friends, or associates, or whatever the fuck those nitwits classify themselves as! You know what Barney Green is? Fucking family! Closest I have anyway, and that's saying something, because somewhere out there... If he ain't dead... I got a real life living breathing brother, that I know I ain't made up like my wife and kids; because HE'S A LEGEND around here! Just like I'm going to be when all's said and done! Legend in the fucking making, baby! Stop me if you can, but you ain't, and I'll tell ya why, nig!"

Gravy's eyes pop at the slip!

"Oh shit, they let that through! Somebody slipping! Somebody else I mean, because obviously The Hammer sliding towards the edge at maximum velocity and he know it! Why else he put out such a gem of a promo for our match!? You really that confident in this kidnapping shit? Think you can just shit the bed with drivel reminiscent of the drivel Centurion was pumping out there at the end of his last shitastic run? Why don't you fucks go ahead and trade in the compound for a nice cabin in the fucking mountains!"

"BORING! BLAND! DAMNED NEAR POINTLESS DRIVEL! And you think ain't nobody gonna notice? TRUST ME! THEY NOTICE! Just like me! I noticed, Kris! An' you know what? I also noticed WHY you're going to lose. Lose at this stupid plan, lose at Warfare, and just fucking lose in general. Because you rely on predictable. Problem is, ain't nothing predictable about Gravy, cept for this!"

Gravy pops the top of an unmarked pill bottle and downs the candy colored waterfall of definitely NOT skittles and chases it with a 12oz Green Redbull!

"Those make me awesome! Ask Barney! He KNOWS how fucking awesome I am! He done seen it first hand at Snow Job, and if it weren't for a certain fat loser that couldn't even properly bury a guy, and a wayward child that somehow grew out of herself to the point that she ain't even know who she supposed to be anymore! If not for them, I'm thinking we're standing here under different circumstances. Sooner than later, we're going to find out. Well, we as in Barney and I. You, Kris "The Hammer", likely ain't gonna be in no condition to be following much of anything once I get my hands on you."

Gravy sucks at her teeth as she considers the parallels of her and Von Bon's career.

"How long you and that "Hunteress" been a team?"

Gravy gives you a moment to count the years. Or maybe to try and remember a single match involving either of those two fucks to even gain a base to count from. Your choice!

"How close have you ever come to capturing that gold?"

Gravy sucks at her teeth once more as a sly grin takes root.

"Unless you and that dumb bitch worked under the pseudonym "VACATED" back in August, then I'd say not very fucking close at all!"

"But oh, wait! It ain't you, it's The Misfits somehow holding your simple ass back by not letting you be who or whatever the fuck it is you think you are! Okay, bet! Problem is, all I see out of you now is a smarty little fuck that ain't so smart going around doing dumb shit like this and getting hammed on by some dorks that podcast about what WE actually do!"

"Being a fucking embarrassment, AKA: Same fucking thing you've always been! Bravo! Moving away from Mastermind's lame brained plans has served you so fucking well thus far, and here you have the audacity to think me the fool!? Hey, I get it! Gravy likes to have fun, and your stiff ass is terrified of the concept. Well, pal, I've got bad news for ya, because you might sit back and watch the hilarious exploits of Gravy and think, wow, what a goon, but the difference between us is, I know exactly what I want, and I know how to to get it! Diversity bullshit? Only gets you so far! Random encounters to test my guile? Fuck that noise! If I'm fighting, there'd better damn well be something on the line!"

"Speaking of, are you entered into March Madness because you think that you can survive 31 other competitors and be crowned King of the XWF, or are you just here to "try and kick some ass"? I only ask because motivations can play a large role in the outcome of a match, right? Like, I want a fucking crown, bro. I'm looking to become the Queen of the XWF, and the fucking want for that shit is worse than my desire to play football. I SWAPPED GENDERS TO PLAY FOOTBALL!! What in the fuck do you think I'm going to do TO you, LIKELY WITH YOUR HAMMER, to have that crown fucking bequeathed to ME!?"

"But hey, maybe you'll kick my ass before I rip yours inside out!?"

"Likely with your hammer."

"Heh, I bet you'd like that too, cause you're just a.... DAMNIT! Can't slip on the big ones, huh? Okay, okay... I'll stop! Promise!"

"Moving on to the segment of; "Saying stupid shit in other languages that require the predominantly English speaking fan base to either try and figure out how to spell that shit for a quick Google search, or assume that you must be speaking gibberish. How do they say in German? ...Pab..placken! Well that's you!"

Gravy second guesses herself and checks Google!

"No! Wrong! That's a verb! Well, you're definitely Pabplacken up the place with you're bullshit, but what I've been trying to say is that you kinda look, sound, and act like a...... Uhhhh... Maybe Zigarette!?! Wait a minute!? NO! That doesn't sound right AT-ALL!"

Gravy confers with Google once more to find the answer!

(As if she's not feigning stupidity right now, unlike our Hammer wielding foe.)

"Eh, close enough! Cause you are a fucking cigarette too, motherfucker! Full of hot smoke and burning at both ends!"

"No nonsense!? That's what it says on the bio! It should say no personality! Because despite your knack for saying and doing stupid shit; you somehow find way to always top yourself! What the fuck do you call EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE HERE IN THE XWF!?!"

"No nonsense!?! I might as well market myself as as a fucking straight virgin choir boy! Every single time Mastermind parades you idiot Misfits out to the world, it's ALL NONSENSE! Everytime you open your mouth and spit out gems like:"

Gravy pauses for production to que the clip!

Quote:"This guy lost his chance of winning the Tag Team Titles at Snow Job. The same place where Ned lost his title. There must be something in the water with these two."

"First off, dickhead! WOMAN! SHE/HER! Don't be a fucking prick! Second, I ain't lost shit! Don't think for a minute that either Gravy or Barney Green going to be taking any backseat to any motherfuckers! We weren't pinned and we Goddamned sure did NOT submit! We're getting a rematch, or we're doing what that Hooded fuckwit you let manage your shit career couldn't, and TAKE it! Not with stupid ass hairbrained arson jobs or creepy stalking either!"

"Wait a minute! Isn't Sar a lesbo!?"

Gravy's eyes twinkle at the thought!

"Okay, maybe a little stalking! Point is, end of the day, Green Gravy will get theirs! We don't concede to fucking failure like Misfits have grown accustomed to! Pussies!"

"Another reason you're a dummy! You stick to one weapon! Are you telling me that you'd pass up a perfectly good chair just because it isn't your stupid ass weapon of choice? Fucker, I'll come at you with anything and everything that I can, or that I can slip past the ref! Heh, my soggy pockets should be the least of your concern there, pal!"

[Image: chris-hemsworth-victory-dance.gif]

"What!? This pussy thinks himself worthy of the greatest rock band in the history of the world!?!"

12 minutes down the road from: Misfits Gymnasium

Miami, Florida

Since we last saw her, Gravy had swapped her cute dress out for some more situation appropriate attire.

"Welp, if Barney HAD to be kidnapped, at least he was kidnapped by my March Madness round one opponent." ~Gravy deadpans the camera~ "Could you imagine the huge waste of time all of this would be if it weren't for the fact that I'm about to kick Von-Bonn's ass like my name is Jean-Claude!?"

Fast forward to a shot of Gravy running towards an abandoned trailer and diving through one of the tiny windows like a damned ninja! Those estrogen pills must be something else!

"HUZAH! WHERE'S BARNEY!"

*KONK*

An undisclosed passage of time accompanies our scene transition, as we find Barney Green nursing an unconscious Gravy back to life.

"W... Where are we?"

Gravy tries and fails at sitting up, but Barn-O helps like a true blue!

"The toolshed."

Gravy looks around her tightly confined surroundings.

"Where's The Hammer!?"

"Right here, dear!"

Gravy can't believe it, but locked in the tool shed with them is Hammy the hammer! The super sexy hammer that Gravy meet on Tender back in August!

"Hammy!?! Oh Noes! They found you out! Did he harm you at all!?!"

Gravy rushes to check on Hammy, still on uneasy legs herself, she nearly falls.

*KONK*

Once again an unknown amount of time passes before Gravy opens her eyes once more. Rubbing her head, she sits up and glares at Hammy.

"Did you hit me, or did I fall?"

"I hit you, you idiot!"

"Thought so. Care to tell me why?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"You love him..."

"I do."

"Yeah... I get it..."

"If it's any consolation, I think you're more fun, but a hammer has to hammer, and Kris is on edge. If he doesn't start winning and moving up the ranks soon, the XWF may find that he's no longer worth the money they're paying him."

"They're paying HIM?"

"And if that happens, and they fire him, he may well never swing me again. Don't you understand, Micheal? I couldn't live another day without the warm embrace of Kris's touch! That's why you and Barney mustn't leave until after Weekend Warfare! Kris has to win! He has too!"

"And you know that one on one, that clown ain't standing no chance!"

"No, I wouldn't say that at all, but I'm not discrediting you either, Micheal. That's why I'm ensuring the result that I need! To feel Kris's heart pound through his grip another day, is a prize worth the steepest of prices! And to think, all I'll have to do is fuck you!"

"Again."

If hammers could make expressions, Hammy would be shocked and dismayed by Gravy's abrupt spilling of the beans.

"May I remind you that there are ALWAYS cameras recording for TELEVISION!"

Graves just shrugs.

"Yeah, I know. I ain't got no shame. What's the matter? You ain't wanting the world to know the kida slut you are?"

Hammy seems to fly off of the tool rack on her own and right for Gravy's face, but Gravy pulls off a badass moment when she snatches the hammer out of the air and in what is becoming something of a habit for her, she deadpans the camera.

"She was up my ass, just to spell it out for you all!"

Gravy breaks the hammer's wooden handle over her knee, which really had to hurt her knee, but she no sells it. Likely because of the not skittles pills from earlier.

"Come on Barn, we gotta go! Not only is there a busted Robot at the hotel I'm going to need you to fix and install Lynx on so that I can not watch pornhub on it, but also I GOT A CROWN TO WIN from that stupid hammers quee, huh? Queen! Quee! Damnit! *SIGH* LET'S GO!"

Gravy kicks open the tool shed door and hightails it out of there full speed ahead! Barney casually walks out behind her and trails along.

"One last thing. Kris, since you weren't technically behind any of this, I'm thinking maybe I owe you an apology for dragging your name through the mud so badly. As a peace offering, let me give you a career tip! You should consider changing your ring name. You totally look like a
Kipp, uh?"

[Image: 61c71a65966e75d3e5bf0250af134969.gif]

"JOIN US FOR MARCH MADNESS, LIVE FROM THE NRG STADIUM FOR SATURDAY NIGHT SAVAGE!"

"THE BEST BRAND!"

"Byyyyyyyyyyyyyye!!!"

Off in the distance...