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+--- Thread: feedback needed (/showthread.php?tid=4477)
feedback needed - ChrisLegend - 07-09-2013
http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=4471
feedback needed - Shawn Steele - 07-10-2013
I'd like to see your scene set up a little better. I think everything would have flowed better had you started it off inside of the arena, stating that "Mike Mayhem heading towards the ring" was seen, by the crowd, on the XWF-Tron. It's not a big issue, but when you make a point of involving the crowd while your setting is backstage, I just think it'd flow better.
Your coma placement is maddening if someone is trying to read it as written. Though that's more of me being a grammar nazi than anything else. The entire layout isn't good, honestly. Needs more color. You don't need a new line for every sentence. Makes the whole thing just looked stretched out.
"Mayhem begins to laugh then gets serious in like 2 minutes……." I don't like this line. Did he actually laugh for two minutes?
Handing him the picture .. how and why did he have the picture? He was going to the ring for a match and was surprised to hear Matt Ward. So why was he carrying his picture?
I really like the character. He's short and to the point, and that works in this case. I can easily picturing him brutalizing people the way you portray him. I haven't read your other stuff, but IF he's used as a bit of an enforcer for Legend, and Legend is the "talker" of the duo, I think that is a fantastic pair.
feedback needed - ChrisLegend - 07-10-2013
i really appreciate the feedback i really do....
thanks a million bruh