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+--- Thread: Feedback, please. (/showthread.php?tid=4450)
Feedback, please. - Adam Rollins - 07-08-2013
http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=4449
Feedback, please. - Shawn Steele - 07-08-2013
First, the positives.
1: You get your character across easily. Only he's no where near any kind of face, or even "anti-hero". The way you're playing him, he's a pure heel. But that comes across clear as day. That's pretty much it for the positives.
The negatives:
1: Too short. Far, far too short. There's no kind of scene established. Nothing that lets the reader get into your character. Get into where you're at. You're painting a picture with your words, essentially. You need more detail. More depth.
2: Too much cursing. This isn't to say don't curse, but use it a bit more sparingly. It's a good way of getting across your character's anger, so if you're doing it constantly, it begins to lose it's meaning.
3: "I am above all of you in this @#$% company" ... this is, I'm sorry, horrible. You can run down your opponent. You can run down the authority figure. But talking shit about the XWF as a company makes no sense. If you want to portray having an issue with the company, attack the the authority. In that one little line, you called the XWF a piece of shit company which begs the question, why are you a part of it?
It seems to me like you need to take your time a bit more. Think out some plot lines for your character for your RPs. Build your own story that can run throughout your career. Maybe even write down a few bullet points you want to touch on when it comes to your opponents, and then craft your RP around those bullet points.
Good luck.
Feedback, please. - Adam Rollins - 07-09-2013
Thanks for the feedback. I do have a problem with making RPs too short.