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For The Cause - Prof. Bobby Bourbon - 02-13-2022
Bobby and Barney, two of the most venerated stars in XWF history, two longtime friends, will combine forces to take down their common foes. NKWC, Flynn, hot dogs, and cancer.
FOR THE CAUSE
We see a festively decorated stage, strewn with hearts, several instances of the visage of Cupid, and of course, footballs. This being both Superbowl AND Valentine's Day weekend, the fervor of both events clashing almost makes Christmas, the Fourth of July, or even Bicycle Day. Seriously, go google Bicycle Day, perhaps the single most influential day in the 20th century that nobody talks about. Anyway, a Supervalenbowltine has to be more important.
To celebrate the marriage of football and love, Bobby Bourbon, that vicious silly bastard, and Barney Green, the People's G.O.A.T., are standing on the stage beneath a hefty sign that reads "Celebrity Hot Dog-a-thon". Steve Sayors is beside both men as all look pleased to be there, enjoying the sunshine of some localle south of Canada. A tropical tradewind blows through, causing the sign to shake a bit.
Folks, I am pleased to be here, enjoying the warm sunshine in beautiful Waikiki, with none other than Bobby Bourbon and Barney Green!
That’s right, Stevesie, we’re here in Hawaii, and we're here to do something good.
For charity.
Damn right! You know, we all know the greatest tag team in history, myself and Thunder Knuckles, aren't teaming at Warfare, so instead we’re making history by bringing me and Barney, the unstoppable force and the immovable object, together. And, well, TK would never go for something like this…
~~~~~~
We cut to see Club Bastard, the roadhouse belonging to Them No Good Bastards, home to the finest strip club in Texas and the worlds largest hot dog buffet. Bobby Bourbon is standing, holding a hot dog in his right hand, speaking to Thunder Knuckles, who is holding a lit cigar in his right hand.
So, I have an idea! What if we raised money eating hot dogs?
Bobby, you're a genius. Getting paid to eat? Sounds like you've come up with the best idea ever.
I know! It'll be a hot dog-a-thon! We get people to pledge a certain amount of money per hot dog eaten, and then by the end we collect! If we get enough people, even small pledges will add up!
Brilliant!
Thank you! We’re going to raise so much for charity!
TK dry heaves.
What? No! What's wrong with you?
Nothing, I just figured it would…
TK waves his hand while shaking his head.
No can do. There is only one charity I donate to. Charity!!
A stunning specimen of the female persuasion steps out wearing a neon green bikini.
Yes?
Charity walks over to Bobby and TK. TK pulls out an Xbux and slides it into Charity's bikini bottom. Charity smiles.
You got a one track brain, you know that?
Hey, I'm supporting single moms here.
~~~~~~
As we cut back to Bobby and Barney, TK walks onto the stage.
Hey, I better get royalties for that flashback and this cameo.
Of course, bro.
You get paid to do promos?
Bobby and TK look at each other, then back at Barney.
You don't?
I get paid to fight.
Huh.
TK shrugs as Bobby purses his lips. Charlie Nickles, that filthy bastard, walks onto the stage. He pulls a raw hot dog out of his pocket.
Alright guys, let's do this.
Do what?
Jesus, Charlie, don't tell me you're doing this charity nonsense too. What a waste of time and money.
No way, Jose!
My name isn't Jose.
Yeah, it's Thunder Knuckles.
Then no way, TK! I'm here to do this for pride, no amount of money is needed.
That’s lateral thinking. I don't like it.
Charlie, bud, we're doing all of this for charity. We had people pledge money to our hot dog-a-thon to benefit others.
I'm helping cancer patients.
Yeah, and I'm helping Houses for Humanity!
I thought it was Habitat for Humanity.
Nah, these guys are better.
~~~~~~
Bobby is seated at a desk with a laptop in front of him.
Welp, the Ronald McDonald House is out, they don't want anything to do with me. They say I'm "too violent" and "inappropriate representation" for their organization. What a bunch of rubes, I am barely violent enough! Sheesh, at least I can keep an ice cream machine working.
Fuschia, rockin' space babe, approaches Bobby from behind and scratches the back of his head in brisk fashion, as one would any large breed of dog.
I'm sorry, honey.
Eh, it's kinda frustrating. Susan G. Komen wanted out even though I told them about the time I thought I might have had breast cancer. I guess bringing attention to male breast cancer damages their narrative. The World Wildlife Fund didn't want me, apparently the WWF has no time for wrestlers these days. The Salvation Army didn't want my assistance in stealing any of Thad's private militia's surplus, I guess attack helicopters are too cool for them. The Boys and Girls Clubs of America didn't want me teaching kids how to wrestle. The Red Cross hates me, something about offering to donate someone else's blood was seen as "immoral".
Well, I'm sure someone wants a person with your kind of star power to represent them.
A very audible computer sound comes from the laptop.
Since when does Gmail alert like that?
Since now. Oh, I got an offer! Houses for Humanity!
Do you mean Habitat for Humanity?
Nah, this says "Houses".
Meanwhile, in another room, we see Thunder Knuckles sitting at a laptop. He also gets the same bizarrely unrealistic yet acceptable sound alerting him of an email.
Alright, we got Bobby to donate all of his pledges to us. You sure you can launder the money that goes to Houses for Humanity?
Behind TK, a man reading a newspaper lowers it, revealing Dr. Louis D'Ville, a lit cigarette held in his lips. He looks at TK, exhales a puff of smoke, then raises the newspaper again.
~~~~~~
That better be more royalties.
Royalties for what?
The promo.
Oh, you get paid to do promos?
Bobby looks at TK while putting a finger to his lips, gesturing for TK to keep hush-hush.
Fuck yeah we do!
Charlie looks baffled.
Well, it's okay, Charlie. You get pride out of the deal!
Hell yeah! And after I fit more hot dogs in my mouth than you or Barney, I will be very proud! Maybe my mom will love me then!
I’m sure people love you Charlie.
Wait, did you say fit hot dogs in your mouth?
We cut back to Charlie, who has four hot dogs sticking out of his mouth. He spits them out.
Pleh! Yeah, that’s what we’re doing here, right? It’s a contest to see how many hot dogs someone can fit in their mouth.
No, it’s a hot dog-a-thon, we’re eating hot dogs for charity.
Eating them? So you’re just seeing how many you can fit into your mouth, but one at a time?
I wouldn’t say it that way.
Well, you’re kinda right, Charlie, but we’re really eating as many as we can, and people pledged money for each one we eat. Like Stevesie here…
Do you have to call me “Stevesie”?
No, Mr. Sayors.
I like it.
Stevesie, not now. Anyhow, Stevesie pledged ten cents a hot dog. That means if I eat ten hot dogs, Houses for Humanity gets a dollar!
You better eat more than ten.
To be fair, I pledged ten cents a hot dog to both you and Barney.
Thank you, Mr. Sayors.
Wait, you can parlay this shit? Barney, quick, change your charity to Houses for Humanity, for, uh, reasons.
I am eating for St. Jude’s.
Oh, lookit you, Mr. Fancy getting the primo charities.
As Barney says this, a woman walks up holding the hand of a child. The kid is hairless, and looking worse for the wear from chemo therapy. The woman is statuesque, and captivating to the eye.
Mr. Green, I really appreciate what you’re doing here today. My daughter is fighting as hard as you do in that ring, and your generous donation to pay for her medical bills really went a long way, especially after her father left us.
Bobby nudges TK with his elbow.
He’s supporting single moms too!
I know!
The woman kisses Barney gently on the cheek.
It’s an honor, ma’am. You and your daughter shouldn’t have to worry about footing medical bills, you didn’t plan for this to happen. I will make sure to eat as many hot dogs as I can to make sure that other children like your daughter don’t have to suffer either.
I believe in you, Barney. I will see you after the contest.
The woman walks away. Charlie and TK stare at her derriere as she does.
Damn, Barney, do her curtains match the drapes?
I bet there’s no carpeting down below, she probably keeps it as smooth as hardwood flooring.
A gentleman never asks and a lady never tells.
Barney, I’m proud of you. Not just for hooking up with that MILF, but for helping me out and doing this whole charity shindig before we have a match-up with the Tag Team Champs.
It’s an honor and a privilege.
No, Barn. The honor is mine. Not only do you have your own crypto-currency, but you have the distinction of coming to team up with me, voluntarily, while TK and Charlie are busy doing the Denzel Porter invitational. Now, I get you’re having your struggles with Leopold D. Morgan, and maybe I can help you with that down the road, but for the powers that be to decide that our combined might would be what it takes to face off against the tag team champions in a non-title bout, well, I think that more than speaks for itself, now doesn’t it? Especially since we’re going up against two men who are so diametrically opposed, so completely different, until they start speaking together in a promo and seamlessly seem to finish one another's sentences like a convoluted hivemind. Shit, the Matthew Perry reboot of the Odd Couple was more fresh than the horsehockey Flynn and Criminal present to us, and Flynn is trying to portray himself as Walter Mathou. Jack Klugman. Two corpses with a better in-ring skill set than Flynn could muster on his best day.
Is that a Sunday?
What?
I’m trying to play off of you and do banter.
Barney, don’t worry about that. Our chemistry is in that ring. Heck, if we’re going to talk a school of science, it’s not even chemistry, it’s physics. It’s time for us to get into motion, Barney. Neither of us have won this year, and, well, that’s partially because I haven’t competed this year. How did you call it, Mark? I was Thanos-snapped? I don’t feel very nonexistent, but I guess if we want to toss around references from 2018 I have no problem pulling a Greta Thunberg and showing you up and knock you deader than Freddie Mercury, but hot damn Bohemian Rhapsody was a good movie. Yikes, I mean, your partner, Mr. Criminal, lives his best life showing us all that the United States actually doesn’t have the lowest educational standards in the world, how is it he’s seeming like the smart one in all of this? Oh, right, right, Felix always kept things nice and tidy. Well, you left a bit of a mess out there to be cleaned up, so I’ll go ahead and correct the situation for you.
We’re not bastards!
Right! Well, Barney’s not a bastard. Barney is a goddamned saint, I’m talking canonized and winged with a harp. I’m sure as fuck a bastard, and yeah, I heard about a show in Hawaii, in other words, a free trip to Hawaii, and was like “yeah, I guess I’ll go to paradise on the company’s dime, do a brunch or two at Duke’s, (no relation to Thaddeus so far as I can tell,) learn to surf, and beat the shit out of somebody with a buddy of mine”. Your description of what I’m doing at Warfare is laden with grandeur, though, now ain’t it. Go after the tag team championships? Sounds novel, too bad you aren’t defending them, what noble and vaunted champions you are. Raise or lower the stock of The Bastard name? Well, I reckon a pair of Bastards would have to be in on the caper for you to do that, instead of just good ole’ Barney and Bobby, big beefy besties banding bravely before your very eyes. And the hook of it is, the real deal? It doesn’t take the greatest tag team of yesteryear, next year, or ever to beat the two of you, no. Not by a long shot. Like you said yourselves, APEX was outright overrated and overhyped, you beat them your damn selves. You barely beat TNGB with APEX giving you the assist. The silly shit, though, is you think you’re going to skate through this because, what TK and Charlie aren’t here?
Fat chance!
Fat indeed! There isn’t a team on this earth that has ever beated the duo of Barney and Bobby. I dare you, I triple fucking dog dare you, to go find a team that’s beaten us.
Who’s faced the two of you again?
Shush Charlie, that’s not the point. The thing is, that overrated team in APEX that you called out? They beat you, and you needed them to meltdown for you to take them to task. A meltdown caused by none other than a Bastard.
You’re welcome.
Rest assured, the soup ain’t soured, and I’ve never heard of soup souring anyhow, is that a thing you’re trying to get started? Have fun with that lead balloon. Either way, we’re not serving up soup, we’re dishing you two out, and we’re here for hot dogs.
How many hot dogs do you think NK and Flynn can fit in their mouths?
Don’t know, don’t care, but they’re going to choke on them.
And I’ll give them the Heimlich.
Bobby purses his lips and blinks slowly. TK rolls his eyes. Charlie furrows his brow.
I figured you would, Barn. You’re the nice one here, certainly no bastard.
With that, the wind kicks back up, and the sign reading "Celebrity Hot Dog-a-thon" shudders. Off in the distance, the winds continue to fiercely blow. Steve Sayors looks panicked.
We should get inside, it looks like a storm is coming in!
The sea churns and palm trees tremble. Steve Sayors runs off. Bobby, TK, and Charlie all scatter, and Barney runs to a nearby structure, a small information kiosk. Suddenly, the kiosk is whisked away into the sky by the winds themselves!