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+--- Thread: Big Daddy King (/showthread.php?tid=39984)
Big Daddy King - Diesel - 03-02-2021
Our scene fades in with the flashing reds and blues of a police cruiser at a truck stop along the interstate. Amid the yelling and shouting, the pair of police officers slam a hairy, burly man onto the hood of their cruiser.
”Stop resisting!” shouts one of the officers.
”I’m not resisting dickhead, I’m innocent!” replies the hairy, burly, unkempt man.
”You don’t dine and dash in our town you son of a bitch!” the officer shouts as he lands hard against this would-be criminals neck.
”Hey pigs,” the man calls out as headlights shroud he and the officers but they pay him no attention.
”That’ll go down as assaulting a police officer, asshole!”
”No guys, really!” the man pleas with his would-be captors as those headlights grow ever closer to the police cruiser in which he’s pinned against. ”There’s a big fucking truck coming!”
The police officers finally take a break from trying to arrest this accused dine and dasher and look toward the lights. At a blazing speed of approximately 20 miles per hour, the large all black semi-truck comes barreling in towards the police cruiser with its horn intensifying. The pair of police officers and the accused all leap out of the way at least ten seconds before the truck crashes hard into the passenger side of the police cruiser, pushing it at least five feet, maybe even six.
”What the hell is wrong with that guy?” one officer asks.
”Fuck knows dude,” says the accused.
”Alright, back on your feet so we can finish arresting you,” instructs the officer.
”Right dickhead, I almost forgot,” says the accused as he gets up from the ground and brushes himself off before throwing himself against the hood of the cruiser.
Both police officers leap onto the accused, pinning him down on the hood of their now somewhat mangled police cruiser. Several seconds later, a really really large man on a diesel powered little rascal slowly makes his way around the trailer attached to the back of the truck.
”What’s up Thunder Knuckles?” Diesel asks from the comfort of his little rascal scooter thingy as he closes in very slowly.
”Oh you know, just getting arrested for some bullshit,” TK replies.
”Stay back sir!” the officer shouts at Diesel.
”Oh shit!” Diesel shouts as he turns his scooter around.
”Where the fuck are you going dickhead!?”
”I’ll be right back in like, probably less than five minutes. I forgot my elbow pad!”
”God dammit!” TK mutters under his breath. ”Guys, you’re supposed to be arresting me.
”Right,” the officer replies. ”Forgot.”
As TK continues fighting off his would be captors, Diesel takes his good old time coming back from the truck. Several agonizing minutes later, Diesel now with his elbow pad firmly over his right elbow comes barreling back toward the officers and Thunder Knuckles at a whopping one mile per hour.
When he nears the cruiser, he toots the little horn and shuts off the scooters diesel engine before stepping off. He approaches the first officer that has spoken lines and strikes him in the back of the head with a back elbow.
”Elbow strike!” Diesel shouts.
”Oww dammit! That hurt!” shouts the officer.
Diesel sends another elbow to the back of the officers head.
”Elbow strike!”
”Stop that damn you!”
The second officer, a dwarf that may or may not be played by Pip Collins… its dark… we can’t tell, runs through Diesel’s legs and gets to the cruiser.
”We need backup! There’s a giant dumbass beating the hell out of everyone! It’s carnage!”
The officer with the blue spoken dialog is spun around by Diesel, just to eat another elbow to the face.
”Elbow strike!”
”Stop commentating your own moves dumbass!”
The blue spoken dialog officer falls to his hands and knees as the dwarf officer charges toward Diesel. Diesel picks up the dwarf mid-stride and throws him head first into the trailer of the truck.
”Rey Mysterio lawn dart toss from Monday Nitro!” Diesel calls out before returning his attention to the normal sized officer. Diesel lifts him up, then slams him down back first on the hood of the police cruiser.
”Jackknife mother fucker!”
”We gotta go!” shouts TK as he runs toward the passenger side of the Western Star big rig.
Diesel hops back on his little rascal and turns the key and waits as a clicking can be heard.
”What the hell? Is it broken?”
”Gotta heat up the glow plugs before it’ll start!” Diesel informs Thunder Knuckles as off in the distance, a number of police cars are headed their way. In a little bit of panic, TK jumps down out of the truck and tries to push Diesel’s rascal scooter before the ‘ready’ light illuminates and he starts the engine on the scooter, shrouding TK in a thick cloud of black diesel exhaust.
”I fucking hate this stupid promo!” TK shouts, his face covered in black soot, as he turns and jumps back into the truck.
At a menacing one mile per hour, Diesel starts to navigate the scooter around the truck as the police cars pull up.
”Why is that thing so fucking slow!?”
”The engine weighs like a thousand pounds or something, I didn’t think of that when I built it,” Diesel yells out.
”There’s a quad right there, take that and get the hell in here!”
”Fine!” Diesel relents as he hops off the scooter and onto the quad. Why there’s a random quad here, this narrator doesn’t know.
Diesel hops on the quad and starts it up. After hitting the throttle the quad lurches forward then literally tears in two right down the center, throwing Diesel to the ground.
”Fucking quads!”
Oh.
So that’s why.
Diesel gets back to his feet and hops back on the slow diesel powered scooter. The police officers instruct him to stop but he just flips them off and keeps navigating around the truck. Opening fire on Diesel and his scooter, he just smiles and keeps on going. The officers begin their foot pursuit of Diesel in slow motion…
What?
That thing has a top speed of 1 mile per hour and we can’t lose the protagonist now can we?
Anyway.
Diesel rounds the truck to the drivers side as the officers continue chasing him, for lack of better terminology, and firing their weapons. Hundred of bullets have flown in his direction by now so clearly these officers have entered a cheat for unlimited ammo. Assholes.
Approaching the wheelchair lift, Diesel puts the scooter in reverse. The back up warning signal beeps incessantly and annoyingly as he navigates the scooter onto the lift. On the lift, Diesel reaches up and punches the ‘up’ button and the lift starts to ascend.
Diesel gives the cops a smile. Many of them throw down their weapons in frustration.
”Don’t you get it?” he asks as the lift comes to a stop and he begins to back the scooter into the sleeper cabin of his Western Star. ”I’m in the Kliq baby! I’m fuckin’ bulletproof!” he shouts as he disappears inside the truck and the lift gate closes up against the side of the truck.
Now inside the truck, Diesel hops off the scooter and into the drivers seat where he puts the truck in reverse.
”You really can’t help being dramatic, can you?” Thunder Knuckles asks of his potential savior.
Diesel steers the truck around and pulls onto the highway cautiously, even using his turn signals. Behind the truck, the police officers all hightail it back to their cruisers and begin their low speed chase of Diesel and Thunder Knuckles.
”Drama sells tickets!” Diesel replies as the truck slowly increases speed.
”OOOooooOOOoo,” Thunder Knuckles calls out. ”A remix!”
”Lowest drawing WWF Champion my ass!” Diesel says with a roll of his eyes.
”Hey let me ask you something,” TK prefaces. ”Why am I Thunder Knuckles?”
Diesel looks confused.
”I can’t believe I have to explain this to you at your age,” Diesel begins. ”When Daddy Knuckles and Mommy Knuckles love each other...”
”No dumbass!” TK interrupts. ”All the time, Vinnie is HBK, Doc is like Bam Bam or something. Bobby is Vader I think...”
”Vinnie is also Vince McMahon, so that confuses me but that’s only in 1995. This is 2021.”
”If it was 1995 who would I be?”
”Ummmmm… maybe T.L. Hopper or something,” Diesel replies. ”We’ll find out when we get there.”
TK looks at Diesel with a perturbed look upon his face.
”...get where?”
”To 1995 dumbass,” Diesel says as he punches ‘December 1995’ into his dashboard navigation system.
”What the actual fuck!?”
”It’s gonna be a minute,” Diesel states. ”We have to be exactly 95 miles per hour.”
”This is like Back to the Future shit!”
Diesel checks his mirrors as the police are still in hot pursuit.
”How fast are we going?”
”Seven.”
TK huffs ‘god dammit’ under his breath.
”Engage hyper speed!” Diesel shouts and the truck immediately pushes 80 miles per hour, throwing TK and Diesel back in their seats. ”Seat belt for safety!”
Thunder Knuckles, entirely unsure about everything, quickly straps in.
”Who is Theo Pryce in 1995?” he asks as the truck approaches 90 miles per hour.
”That one’s obvious,” Diesel says with a smile. ”Pat Patterson!”
93.
”You’re gonna feel really out of place here in a second.”
”As opposed to the rest of this promo?”
94.
Diesel places his hand on the cable for the horn.
”Can I mark out for the horn?”
”It’s an integral part of my character Thunder Knuckles, it’s not a gimmick.”
95.
And the horn intensifies.
Behind the truck, the police officers roll to a stop as Diesel’s Western Star disappears into thin air. The last shot they see is the Michigan license plate reading: DSL-BOB as this entirely stupid promo comes to a close.