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+---- Thread: Tell Me About The Stars (/showthread.php?tid=35965)
Tell Me About The Stars - "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane - 01-18-2020
Steve Jason
Jem Williams
Shane
A most unlikely trio to say the least. While the self proclaimed "Unkillables" Steve Jason and Jem Williams, were in fact one of if not the greatest tag team in the history of the XWF, they certainly weren't known for rubbing shoulders with the likes of Shane
. In fact, most fans today either aren't aware of (or have forgotten) the brief time that Shane spent as the manager of Steve Jason and Jem Williams! Yes! Shane had turned over a new leaf and everything was all rainbows and sunshine until that fateful day...The day a foam brick revealed to the world that Shane had done the unthinkable. A day that began with Shane managing the most beloved tag team in the business, saw the sun set with Shane as the manager and co-father of The Black Order right alongside the widely feared Sophist himself – Cyren "The Sickness" ...because after all, who wants to be "unkillable" when they can be unthinkable?
Anyone remember how that foam brick came into play, though? Of course you wouldn't; this happened around 15 years ago and most people today can't tell you what happened 15 minutes ago. For example: does anyone remember how we went from Shane
being aligned with Universal Champion Unknown Soldier, to Shane being aligned with Universal Champion The Engineer? Of course you don't – and that just happened within the last few months, yet it's likely you're as as Robbie Bourbon and somehow just don't "get" what has been happening right before your eyes over the last several months.The details of the foam brick aren't what's important... stop asking about it, please. What's important here is the idea that, at the time, Shane's betrayal of Steve Jason and Jem Williams was seen by many fans as being two things:
1) The root kit for what was/is currently locked in history as being the XWF's most hated stable
2) A very expected betrayal; the only surprise being how long it took Shane to turn
What's any of this have to do with today? Well, according to one Shane
, the recent turning of THE Tristan Slater against his longtime cohort "Chronic" Chris Page is something that should have been just as obvious to everyone. "Those plebeians should have smelled the bullshit a mile away since Lethal Lottery! This is as bad as when the foam brick fooled everybody!" - A comment Shane has been quoted as making to TMZ on his way out of a day spa with Madison Dyson. Shane was of course referring to the fantastic double performance of THE Tristan Slater at Lethal Lotto, when he not only had the world believing a "grudge" match with Peter Gilmour of all people was actually a legitimate deal, but also donning the famed black mask of The Hired Gun that same night and assisting Shane in his unsanctioned fight against Chris Page."Sometimes the clues can be as huge as Peter Gilmour's turgid appendage, yet the masses will still miss them like Ghost Tank missing his chance to put his hand on another man's penis because he's too busy asking for permission first and you know any man in his right mind is going to turn down stinky ass GT's handies. Hell, I would... And that's exactly why Tristan Slater and Shane
were able to catch the world with its pants down. Make sense? Exactly." – This time the comment had been made directly to Dave Meltzer of F4Wonline, who claims to have Shane 's direct phone number. Dave also went on to suggest that Shane will be tied in with more surprise betrayals, swerves, and possible alliances in the relatively near future as Shane is reportedly looking to "expand his network of shit heads" as one anonymous source described it to Meltzer."To be honest, I uh, it looks like Shane and company are maybe looking to mingle and rub shoulders with some surprising individuals." – Straight from Dave Meltzer's mouth, so you know it's gospel. "I think we've already seen some trace of that from Engineer promos, so um, yeah it could mean Shane's promos will be next. It could be anyone." Absolutely groundbreaking reporting yet again. Meltzer is pretty much giving up Shane and Engineer's most well protected secrets as we speak.
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Our scene opens up in the middle of the afternoon on a gloriously tranquil day at Shane
's home in... "Where did you say we are again, Shane?"With so much gusto and his fist undercutting the air, Shane slaps his unrecognizable guest's face with the answer we all already expected as soon as we saw the giraffes mingling with the people, "Tiwanaku, Boliviaaaaaa!" and with the way he lets that "aaaah" trail off at the end there, you know Shane's having a good day. "We aren't far from one of the most important, influential sites in the history of your plan..err our planet!" The dozen or so guests Shane has in his front yard all gaze to the east along with Shane. Upon closer inspection, not one of these faces is familiar to us. Shane
is apparently entertaining a group of people and giraffes we just don't know."I'm going to go ahead and assume that your viewers will need a little more convincing when it comes to our whereabouts," says one of the most level headed, clear sighted, and long necked of the joyful gatherers. Shane is surprised by this as he gazes far, far up into his guest's eyes and responds with a boisterous, "WHAaAaAT?!?!?"
Taking a few steps in a semi circle as the camera pans to follow him, Shane spreads his arms like a beautiful Kingfisher spreading its wings. "Don't their eyes work?" he asks as he can't help but sploosh the ladies watching (and some of the men) with that disarming, cocky smile of his. "Our cameras have a clear shot of my beautiful home right here in TIWANAKU, BOLIVIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! What more do we need to convince the viewers of?" The way the sun dances over his face and his stubble sparkles in the light along with his vibrant light blue eyes, Shane appears almost Godlike in his illumination and wisdom. His voice is calm and welcoming as he invites us all to take a walk with him into his home. "If we worry too much about convincing you all of what's on the outside, you might miss some of what's really going on inside..." ...and with that one, Shane makes it an absurdly obvious point to hold his hands out and demand everyone to STOP in their tracks and watch in anticipation as Shane.................... just winks at the camera real quick. ;)
Shane heads toward the front door to enter the house, but not before turning around to say, "Oh, and I'm sorry in advance for those of you who have your heads so far in the clouds that you can't see this."
And with that, no giraffe did enter the home. A pity they were the only ones with cameras. End scene.
| "Sometimes believing what's right out in the open is the key to seeing through what lies inside" Slade Xerox, 3021 A.D. |
"Ah, the stars... Our most prized possessions."
Shane
's smile could light a tomb as our next scene turns out to be in the middle of an open field, not too long before midnight. Shane's back felt at home against the grass, and his hands behind his head allowed his muggy, swampy arm pits to breathe in the lovely night breeze. Next to Shane is... what's this? A woman? A woman we haven't seen before? Shane! You didn't tell us you had a date tonight! "Not many people fully appreciate the power of the stars when it comes to living a life on this slab of crusted dismemberment." Shane completely ignores me, which actually makes sense because it's a bit odd whenever someone starts talking to their own narrator."That's so romantic," says the beautiful blonde, looking to be in her early 20's, with her hair in two pig tails. She's got on a tight pink tank top and a pair of black form fitting yoga pants. The tank top is intentionally cut lower in front so her big ass boobs just plop the fuck out and smack you in the face like YAY TITTIES! Something doesn't quite look right about such a young, juicy, explosive girl laying on a grassy hill under the starlit sky with Shane
. "Tell me more about your stars, my (unintelligible)." – Did you catch whatever she just called Shane? Drats, me neither. Oh well... Shane clearly had no objections to whatever it was.
"You want to know about the stars?" Shane lovingly asks as he turns to his side to face the girl, who turns to her side to face him. They gaze into each other's eyes as Shane gently caresses her soft cheek, which was cool to the touch thanks to the light breeze. Shane smirked, knowing this girl's Tinder profile said she's looking for no strings attached hookups. "My child, in order to know of the stars, first you must know of the wretched abominations from the depths of hell's most vile, worst smelling, forgotten bowel of despair."
She blinks.
"Say it with me," Shane whispers as he runs his finger tips over her moist lips: "forgotten... bowel... of... despair..." ...but she did not say those words with him. Instead, a look of confusion turns into that of possible repugnance as she swats Shane's fingers away from her face and sits up in a hurry with quite the unexpected "Dude, you're a fucking weirdo."
She grabs her purse and stands up, brushing a few loose blades of grass off of her pants. "I've been waiting for like an hour for you to just fuck me and you keep talking about all this random Weird. Ass. Shit. and I can't take it anymore man!" she exclaims, looking down at Shane who is seated in the grass and nodding his head as he takes it all in.
"You're probably not used to having hook ups with people in the 'PrO wRaSsLiN' business, huh?" – Why did Shane need to specifically say "pro wrestling" like a complete tard bag? We may never know, but that doesn't stop him from being right about his date's lack of experience with pro wrestlers.
"I mean don't get me wrong, I've sucked off CM Punk back when he was in the indies and I had sex with HBK a few times back in the day... but other than that, no, you're the first."
Shane cocks his head. His eyes dart out to the distance as some calculations fire off in his dome. "CM Punk? Indies? HBK? Back in the day? How old are you again?"
"20."
"Ummmm... what am I missing?" Shane finally stands up and brushes some grass and feces off of himself as well. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know about any of that!"
"Then why'd you ask if I hooked up with wrestlers before?"
"Because if you had, you should have known we cut promos on our opponents before we have sex! It's just what we do!"
...It is? Guys? Anyone?
"And since that's what we do, when I told you how you need to know about the wretched abominations from the shit filled ass crack of hell itself, I was going to tell you all about Chris Page and Robert Main!!!" -sure, Shane was violently shaking his date by the shoulders as he screamed in her face, but at least he wasn't hitting her.
Shane punches her in the face.
"And bitch, now you've ticked me off because you're making me think you don't want to hear all about Chris Page and Robert Main! You're making me think hearing about how I've been handling and fondling their every move like THEY were my own balls, isn't turning you on!"
The girl is on the grass, wiping spit and blood from her mouth as Shane screams down at her so hard his face could burst aflame. "I SAID, BITCH! NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME THINK YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE TRAP EVERYONE IS LURING ROBERT MAIN INTO!" Thwaack! A stiff heel from Shane's cowboy boot sends his date to dream land quicker than (insert somebody's name you think has boring ass promos)'s promos. That's right, this narrator wants to make all you viewers happy so you get to name the boring person whose promos function like a boot to the face! Heck, it can even be Shane himself if you really want to be edgy and bad ass about it.
"Wake up, bitch!" Shane's voice falls on the ears of a knocked out whore bag. He looks to the heavens and has tears in his eyes...
"This night was going so well, too. We met at the beercade and had a blast. I figured coming up to this hill would be a great way to get her in the mood by telling her what horrible pieces of shit Chris Page and Robert Main are. Shit, I even wanted to laugh with her about how I didn't even bother cutting any promos or hyping my last match against them because I do whatever I want, whenever I want! Who else goes into a big six man tag match without cutting any promos or even "seemingly" paying attention to anything, but still comes out with the last laugh? When you fools, Page and Main, were busy cutting your promos for our last match, what was I doing? I was laying the final ground work and sealing the deal behind the scenes on MANY projects – one of which just happened to involve none other than THE Tristan Slater finally letting it known far and wide across the land just where he stands! He stands with his foot firmly placed atop Chris Page's skull!"
"Imagine for a moment. Imagine being Chris Page."
"No really, guys. Please. Work with me here. I know it's a horrible thought... but imagine being Chris Page."
"Now imagine being Chris Page on drugs."
"Now imagine being Chris Page on drugs, looking at a monitor and seeing Shane
and THE Tristan Slater staring you in the face and laughing you into oblivion.""This fuckin' guy probably thinks he got served a moldy batch of horse shit in his SFV OG Kush! I bet this dope is tripping BALLS!"
"Woah, woah! Speaking of balls!"
Apparently the whore woke up and her first instinct was to reach up and start grabbing at Shane's balls. She unzips his pants and pulls out his already throbbing, turgid member just before the camera had cut! Should've looked away, dammit.