Raising Your Head From The Guillotine - Printable Version
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Raising Your Head From The Guillotine (/showthread.php?tid=35808)
Raising Your Head From The Guillotine - Ned Kaye - 12-31-2019
OOC: HAPPY NEW YEAR GOTTA FORMAT
"You know, I really thought I might not need to come back here."
His therapist's office hadn't changed much since he was last there. Ned was slumped against the soft, leather chair across from her. He inspected his therapist's reflection on the ornate, glass table between them both. The woman sitting in front of him, Dr. Ellis Taylor, watched his movements very carefully, a notepad at her side, pen in hand lightly resting on the paper.
"You had made some very good progress, but there's no shame in admitting you still have a ways to go. What made you set some more appointments?"
The Notorious One sighed, adjusting his posture as he began to reply, running the tips of his fingers across his chair.
"It... it was just a couple of weeks back. I had gotten really low again and I was having thoughts of suicide."
"Have they become more intense; like last time?"
"No, no. I'm doing alright now, but I do think my poor performance in some matches recently has affected me quite a bit."
Without breaking focus on Kaye, Ellis jots something down, allowing her eyes to scan over the nuances of his reactions.
"So, I see you're still deriving a great deal of your self-worth from your performance in your career. On another losing streak, Ned?"
"Not quite... I've actually been doing alright as far as results go. I just expect better out of myself."
"Have you kept up with your sobriety?"
He nods, before hesitating and adding, "Well, there was this incident involving a friend and marijuana, but that wasn't intentional on my part. Although, it might've affected me more than I know. I had a very odd dream the other week."
"What kind of dream?"
"It was... a weird Christmas Carol-styled thing. Very surreal, but it's also stuck with me quite a bit... I-uh... I talked with Lilian in the dream."
Dr. Taylor places her pen down and leans forward. She gives him a sympathetic, yet concerned frown.
"You had a vision of Lilian?"
"Yeah. It wasn't anything too crazy, but I'm fully aware it's not healthy."
Ned places his hands together, staring at his feet.
"...I'm not ready to let go of her. I'm really, really trying. But it feels like no matter what I do, she's on my mind. I... I miss her."
"Have you been keeping up with the people around you? Your cat?"
"Oh, DT's fine, I just don't have full custody of him right now. After my draw with Noah, the XWF were the default owners until a further result was reached. I still seing by the performance center to check up on him. Bring him some toys from time to time. I spent Christmas with Nate, Ethan, and mom. Hell, even got some time with the APEX guys. They're unbelievably supportive and that helps a lot."
"And yet you're here."
Chuckling, Ned shrugs. She always was good about seeing through everything.
"...As much as I honor, respect, and truly do adore the guys... it's tough. They're all so far ahead of me and I just wonder if they'd be better off not lugging me around."
"Are you jealous of them?"
"Jealous? No. Frustrated at myself? Yeah. Because they all talk about how much potential I have and then I'm going out there and losing to people like Chris Chaos."
She responds fairly quickly, reminding Ned of the catalyst of this current era of his career.
"To my understanding, you were dealing with some very serious rejection at that time. Do you think it's entirely fair to judge yourself based on the assessment of this Dewey person?"
"No. It's not."
"Then what did he say that caused you to revert to these old thoughts?"
---------------
November 22nd, 2019
It had taken them days to finally get here. The cabin was decorated on the outside, but certainly not extravagantly. In fact, it would be easy to call this place rather plain looking. Ethan wasn't too excited about finally arriving, but this was the moment Ned needed. He had learned from people before and now he was going to learn more from someone he trusted to push him that extra step. The step that would prepare him for the future. The step that would cement him as Notorious.
Ned and Ethan stood in front the cabin, eyeing the door as they walked up the steps.
"I've got a bad feeling about this, man."
"Look, we've already come all this way. I'm not gonna let you get hurt, buddy. I promise."
As Ned reached for the handle, the door was pulled open, a shotgun barrel being shoved into Ned's face as the figure from the inside made himself visible, just barely leaning through the doorway.
"How'd ya find me, kid?"
Ethan gulps, staring at the gun from behind Ned.
"I-I'm keeping you to that promise, Ned."
Ned takes short breaths, doing his best to be calm.
"I just checked for property bought around the last time Robert saw you."
"Wait, this guy knows Robert?"
Dewey laughs, placing a cigar to his lips, lowering his shotgun.
"Know him? Shit, kid, I made him!"
Ethan looks at the man strangely before it all began to come together in his mind.
"Ethan, meet Dewey Main."
"Rob's dad..."
--------------
Ned rested his head on his hand, his elbow on the arm of his chair.
"I don't know what I was thinking, but I guess I had grown used to these kinds of people being alright with mentoring me. But not Dewey. He barely gave me the time of day."
"Do you think he was right?"
Ned's face changed to shock for a moment as he processed the question.
"I-uh... I don't know."
"Would you like to hear my professional opinion?"
The Notorious One nods, fascinated by what Ellis' instincts were telling her.
"I think you're hoping for yourself to fail. You're obviously more than capable of being the person you hope to be when it comes to wrestling, but you have a deep worry of what will happen when you get there. It happens to plenty of people. They start to succeed and something within them triggers and they begin to avoid the success they crave."
Ned stares at her, feeling her words pierce right through him.
"So, what do you think's holding me back..?"
"You don't feel you deserve it. Think about it. You always seem to fail your hatdest after your greatest achievements. You're worried that you're taking the spot of those better than you, so you sabotage yourself."
"So... how do I fix that? What do I change?"
She half-heartedly shrugs, giving him a smile.
"It depends entirely on the person, but you're a lot closer than you think. Maybe you're just waiting for something."
She glances down at her watch, motioning towards the door.
'That's all our time for today, but I hope you come back."
"Yeah, yeah."
Ned quickly pulls himself up, making his way towards the door.
"Thanks, Doc."
"Oh, Ned?"
He stops himself halfway to the door, looking over to her, concern coloring his face.
"What?"
"Happy New Year."
---------------
"What does it mean to be a fighter?"
"Is it a profession? I wouldn't say that. I mean, look at some like Sarah Lacklan. She's an athlete, a very accomplished one in fact, but not a fighter, by any means. So does that make it a lifestyle? Not quite. Most lifestyles have an element of choice. Being a warrior or combatant is a lifestyle. But you become a fighter by necessity, whether you know it or not."
"Tony Santos is a fighter. I think that's more than safe to say. But who is Tony fighting at this point? I mean, look at him. Since he lost the Hart title to my APEX Prophecy brother Centurion, he's been far less focused, far less capable. But that's because he's not going into that ring and facing himself or his opponent. Tony is facing the world in that ring and he is intent on ensuring he fights every damn person on the planet when he steps in there and I can respect that, but I've also done it. I've been doing that for months and despite a few victories, the worthy opponents I've been facing can easily keep up with me. That's the problem with fighting against the world. You're really only fighting yourself, but you're too unfocused to know that."
"The thing is Tony, I spent my last attempt against you trying to pull you back up. Because I thought you were worth it. And while that hasn't changed, the fact is that I have clear purpose paved before me, Santos, and I have to leave your improvement to you. I am a man with renewed energy and I have my goal: To beat the imposter for the Universal Title. You are in my way, Tony, and while I have nothing against you, you need to get out of the way. You want to try and knock me down? You couldn't even make me tap."
"It's a Notorious New Year coming, Tony. Don't forget that."