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+--- Thread: Top Class Motherfuckers (/showthread.php?tid=35367)
Top Class Motherfuckers - Prof. Bobby Bourbon - 11-05-2019
Robbie Bourbon, AKA Dr. Inspector Giggles, and Bearded War Pig, AKA Mr. Bojangles, were last seen in a high school, working undercover for some unknown reasons.
Jenny Myst and Hanari Carnes have each had some words regarding the Motherfuckers, and really, none of them would have cut it in 9th grade creative writing.
Seriously, DM me, y'all need a manager to speak for you.
TOP CLASS MOTHERFUCKERS
A loud bang has drawn Robbie and BWP into a stairwell. Pig's eyes were about to bulge out of their sockets, a sick smirk on his lips as he eagerly drew his trusty 40 caliber, knowing that it was time to make war on something, specifically whatever had drawn the Motherfuckers to this particular school to begin with. Robbie has a certain ennui to his eyes, as though this is all too mundane, but a confident smile, which gives the impression that though both men have seen some danger in their time and experienced versions of life most would never understand, this is far from out of their league. Robbie nods at Pig, and both men descend to the bottom of the extra wide high school stairwell and into a hallway alive with classrooms.
Faces peer out of the open doors of the classrooms in shock and wonder, the bang having shaken the entire building. Someone calls out to the two men with balls enough to walk towards the dangerous sounds.
"Do you know what that was?"
"Get back in the room!"
Robbie hollers at the teacher without a glance. The teacher's eyes go wide as they swiftly slam the door shut. Robbie and BWP walk towards a room with a door wide open with shouting heard inside. Pig takes cover at an intersecting hallway as Robbie posts up right outside the door. From within, an angry and demanding voice is heard.
"Look, man! The last batch you made was fire, and the boss wants more! It's flying out of our guys' hands on the streets!"
Robbie looks at Pig confidently and nods his head. This was what they were here for to begin with. Pig rushes up behind Robbie and posts up as Robbie saunters into the room. As he does, we see inside a smallish man in a polo shirt and rocking a splendid mustache looking back in horror at a trio of men in matching leather vests, each with full sleeves of tattoos. One is holding a sawn off shotgun, the device which is most likely responsible for the shattered window. He points the shotgun at Robbie as everyone turns to look at the big man in the lucha mask, spangly sequined jacket, wrestling gear, and fake mustache. Robbie's expression changes to innocent bafflement as he plays the crowd.
"Woah, sorry, I'm looking for Mr. McGillicuddy! What are you guys doing in here?"
The man with the shotgun speaks.
"Turn around, tubby, this doesn't concern you."
Robbie's brow furrows as he raises his hands up to shoulder level in a shrug.
"Woah, woah, hold on now, I get it. You have some issue with this guy, but have you heard about the issues some people have cutting promos?"
The three men in leather vests look at each other in utter confusion as the man with the splendid mustache looks on in shock at Robbie who seems to have turned the subject completely from whatever was going on before to something dealing entirely about wrestling. Robbie purses his lips as he drops his arms.
"I get it, I get it, just give me a second and I will explain.
So, for starters, there's this one dumb bitch named Jenny. Jenny is a grade a rotten crotched slimebag, almost like human gonorrhea only none of the fun you had catching gonorrhea, right fellas?"
The three guys in leather vests smirk as they look at each other, definitely each having had or currently having gonorrhea. The man with the shotgun lowers it. Robbie grins.
"So Jenny, this chick, in an effort to sound tough and ready to fight, started going off on math anxiety. I mean, really? Have any of y'all every made fun of some dude for being bad at math before shaking them down for drugs, or money, or drug money?"
The gang members shake their head no.
"Right? Then, well, then there's Hanari Carnes. He claims he understands how to speak English, and I believe he speaks it about as well as he does Spanish, but then I don't think he gets what it is he's saying most of the time in either language. I paid the man some due respect for the year he's had. What does this shitberg do but get up in arms and start just spewing gibberish. Like, I understood everything he said, through his accent, but it was still all really stupid.
For starters, he compared himself to the Rock. Yeah, that one guy who's arguably the greatest wrestler ever besides a massive Hollywood star. Seriously, he's one of those weird guys who refers to himself in the third person JUST because he saw the Rock doing it and thought it was cool.
Thing is, it's hard for me to disrespect the Rock for doing that because for him it was part of his act.
For this other kid, not so much.
Then this fool keeps blowing smoke up his ass about how he saved the day or some bullshit. Y'all follow the XWF?"
The gang members all nod and look excited.
"So, yeah, this fool Hanari, after I had the dignity to admit looked like an absolute competitor, came forward and started spouting off about how he saved the XWF from Apex. I don't know what kind of plan Apex had, whether it was to poison the reservoir, or blow up XWF city hall, or some other hackneyed bullshit, but I don't think it was one where it led to the XWF needing saving.
Hanari, if you are listening right now, understand this as hard as you can; you didn't save a god damned thing.
You are right, Apex ran roughshod over the XWF for a time while Pig and I weren't here. Flat out, that had a lot to do with the fact Pig and I weren't here. You want to point to the fact we got screwed over in a four-on-two massacre inside of a massive cage and call it not getting the job done. Stop, seriously, you're just sounding like an idiot, a primadonna, and like you're grasping at straws. I would love a return match, two-on-two, against any member of Apex, alongside Pig. Instead we're getting Jenny "Captain Planet hates me because my cooch is a literal source of polution" Myst, someone who will team up with anybody until they inevitably fucking lose and she just whacks them with a steel chair, blaming them for their loss, which is the real history worth noting, and Hanari "The Benchwarmer" Carnes.
Hanari, try not to take what I'm saying it and wash it through Google translate, either, a lot of it will get lost. En español estamos Los Pendejos. Tu español es horrible y los chimpancés se comunicarían mejor que tú. Comprende?"
The gang members all understand the Spanish coming out of Robbie's mouth and laugh.
"Hanari, you have had a great year so far. You won some titles, sold some tickets, but like you said, the Motherfuckers weren't here, so, back to the bench with you, little fella. Piss and moan about who's a bully all you want, when someone tries to bully me, I don't tell them they're a bully. I rip their fucking jaw off their skull and piss in it. Try to boast about all you did and all you were, none of that fucking matters because none of it happened against the Motherfuckers, won't happen against the Motherfuckers come Warfare, and never will happen against the Motherfuckers. You had a great year, osito, but like you yourself pointed out, the varsity team is back in action.
Time to get back on the bench and watch why we're the starting line-up.
Time to come to grips that you didn't end Apex, you won a pair of tag team titles off of them and coughed them up to, what did you call them? Two girls who look like I'd eat them alive? You thought I came back to the XWF for easy pickin' at the Tag Team Championships?"
One of the gang members finally puts two-and-two together. His eyes go wide and he points at Robbie Bourbon.
"Holy shit, are you Robbie Bourbon? As in one half of the Motherfuckers?"
Robbie shrugs and removes the false mustache. Both the other two gang members are in awe at the ruse.
"I am Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon."
Another gang member looks delighted.
"No shit! Is Bearded War Pig here?"
Robbie nods.
"He sure is. Pig, c'mon in!"
BWP walks into the room, his weapon drawn, and puts three shots into the skulls of the gang members. The smallish man with the splendid mustache looks horrified as Robbie turns to Pig and gives a thumbs up.
"They're cartel, probably based out of Mexico. You..."
Robbie points at the smallish man.
"If you make any more fucking meth amphetamine in this school, we will beat your ass harder than we are going to do against Myst and Carnes at Warfare."
The smallish man faints.
----------------------------
We see a police cruiser along with an officer putting the smallish man with the splendid mustache into the back. Another police officer is standing with Robbie and BWP outside of the school.
"Motherfuckers, you did it again. Thanks to your uncanny knack for using your words effectively to cool off crazed drug dealers and bring guns to school to shoot them, we have stopped one of the biggest Meth rings in the country."
Robbie and Pig give each other a fistbump.