We Need To Talk: Shots

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(The following takes place from Big D's We Need To Talk)

"I've got to take a Big D, anyway." I say getting uncomfortably close to Big D's unflinching face. "As in a Big Dump." I say while standing up slowly, letting my biting wit slice an open wound into D's heart. Now for the kill shot. "Because you're shit." I stink eye the cunt as he just stares blankly at me.

BIG D: "Ha. Ha."

Fucking got em. I stand up fully from the booth and walk behind where Big D is sat, I quickly motion to dad if I should snap his neck real quick. After a second or two Fuzz gives a quick shake of his head and I shrug, making my way to the dunnies. I push my way past some bro cunts who have decided that the door to the bathroom is by far the best place to have a deep conversation about the entropy that is uni life.

Fucking cunts.

I make my way into the toilets and by fuck, this is the shittiest bathroom in all of America. You ever seen Trainspotting? Yeah, like the bathroom from that. I make my way into one of the stalls as the light fizzles above me, I take a look into the vomit-filled bowl and gag. Fucking yanks can't hold their shit, lightweights the lot of them. I go to grab some toilet paper to line seat before I pop a squat and what a shock. Empty roll. I sigh but hear the cunt next door snort a line and breathe deeply. I rattle the stall wall with my knuckles.

"Oi mate, you got any bog roll?"

He seems startled as a body part hits the wall with an 'oomph'. He sniffs up again before responding.

COKED-UP CUNT: "Yeah-yeah-yeah. Erm, you want toilet paper?"

"Well unless you wanna lie down on the floor and hold my ample buttcheeks over the toilet. Yeah, toilet paper, cunt." There's silence on the other side as my stomach gurgles. Is this cunt actually considering hovering me above the dunny? "Fuck me, cunt! Just hand me some paper!"

COKED-UP CUNT: "Right-right, yeah!" A hand holds the toiler paper over the stall wall and I take it. slowly beginning to place piece by piece over the seat. "Hey!" The cunt perks up again. "You want a line?"

I stop with a raised eyebrow.

"Nah, cunt, I'm good."

COKED-UP CUNT: "You sure? It's real good shit, man."

I exhale through my nose and slam a palm against the wall.

"Fuck off you wired-up, little mongrel!"

There's a clatter next door and I hear the door creak open as the cunt exits the bathroom. I finish layering the seat with toilet paper and am finally able to drop a Peter Gilmour promo. I take my phone from my pocket as I drop my skinny jeans and go to check it, a text pops up from VV.

[ Ugh, Amjetkun just keeps shouting at me about gains. Wuu2? xxxxx ]

I let out a slight chuckle as I respond.

[ I'm at this bar with dad and Big D ]

[ Big D??????? 👎Why are you hanging out with him???? 🤔 xxxxx ]

[ It's not on purpose cunt. Me and dad went for a drink and that cunt tried to pin him. Now they're talking about shit. ]

[ 😮 Why is Fuzz not in the panic room!?!? ]

[ Because we wanted bevs, cunt. ]

[ OMG NOAH! 😲 What if he gets pinned!? 😣 And whose looking after your new cat? ]

[ I've got his back if someone pins him and Ned Kelly's at home. ]

[ Want me go check on him? 🤗 ]

[ Dad? Nah I've got it covered thanks. ]

[ No idiot, on your cat! 🙄 ]

[ Oh lol yeah go for it. You'll need a key tho. ]

[ No, it's okay I got one 😊 ]

[ U what? ]

[ HEY! Make sure Fuzz doesn't get pinned! You keeping a close eye on him??? ]

[ Not right now, taking a shit. ]

[ 🤮 ]
[ So you're not watching Big D, the guy who lost the Xtreme Title to Fuzz, as they both get more drunk??? ]

Oh shit. I stuff the phone back into my pocket before wiping and flushing. I burst through the stall door and go to exit but come back to wash my hands because I'm not a disgusting animal. I push the door open and peek over to dad and D who are quietly continuing the conversation. Then something weird happens, they laugh... Oh god, I hope I don't get replaced. Instead of re-joining them, I decide to hit the bar. I nod to the skinny cunt behind it who seems a little PTSD from seeing me.

"Sup, McFly."

BARTENDER CUNT: "We still don't have any Victoria Bitter."

"Well order some for next time, cunt. Get me a whisky and coke, bourbon, neat on the rocks and a..." I look over to Big D for a moment and back to the bartender. "Cyanide?"

BARTENDER CUNT: "I don't know that last one."

"I'd settle for petrol or rat poison if you've got that, cunt." I lean my elbows on the bar. He makes a nervous giggle, swallowing the lump in his throat. I sigh. "Fine. Another bourbon."

He forces a smile.

BARTENDER CUNT: "Coming right up."

I bop my head to Eminem playing from the jukebox as I wait for my drinks. I look back over to dad and Big D who seem a little more relaxed in their booth. I chew my lip looking over my shoulder as the drinks are placed in front of me. The cunt patiently waits as I blank him. I take my glass and down the whole thing, I turn to him and motion for another. He rolls his eyes as he takes the glass, I don't take my eyes off the booth until a thought crosses my mind. I crane my head towards the bottles behind the bar and inspect each one carefully. The bartender comes back with my drink.

BARTENDER CUNT: "That'd be-"

I press my finger against his chapped lips, my eyes still glued to the bottles. I lower my hand, my fingers drumming the bar and I look to him with a smile.

*Meanwhile at the booth*

BIG D: "So... You're from Chicago?"

*Fuzz scoffs taking another long sip of his drink*

FUZZ: "Are you seriously trying to small talk with me?"

*Big D turns his palms out*

BIG D: "I guess, yeah."

FUZZ: "Man, we talked about what we needed talk about, there's not much else we need to discuss. Let's just finish our drinks and part ways before Noah does or says anything too stupid."

And that's when your boy shows up with a tray of shots.

"Sup cunts!" I squeeze into the booth next to Big D, pushing him aside with my hip as I lay the tray of drinks down on the table. The bartender follows me with our whiskies. I rub my palms together and point out the shots. "Right lads, we got sambuca, tequila, vodka, Jagermeister, something called Everclear." That one gets a raised eyebrow from dad and D. "And Peach Schnapps, for dessert."

The bartender stands beside the booth waiting for me to finish.

BARTENDER CUNT: "That'll be $42.50."

I wave a dismissive hand.

"Yeah, yeah put it on the TV champ's tab." D slowly blinks looking to me but fuck that noise, I grab a shot of Sambuca and raise it up. "C'mon cunts, we're here for a piss up let's not stop til we're cactus."

I down the shot and slam the empty glass onto the table. I look expectantly at the other two who just stare back. Big D breathes a sigh and grabs a shot, Fuzz interrupts.

FUZZ: "Don't... Encourage him."

He glances back to me briefly.

BIG D: "Screw it. We're at a bar. Let's drink!"

"Yes, cunt!"

I slap D's shoulder after he downs the shot of Everclear and makes a slight wince. Took that shit like a champ, good on him. We both look to Fuzz who taps the near-empty glass of bourbon between his fingers. He smiles with a shake of his head before tanking some Jager, me and Big D give a big cheer! The True Blue in me takes over as I smack the table in rhythm.

"LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS!"
"... ... ... Lads? LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS!"
"... ... ... ... ... ... LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS! LADS!"

This is when shit starts to get a little... Tony Santos-y.



As it gets later into the night and the music gets louder, the bar begins to pack. Us three are getting fucked up. Empty glasses litter the booth and I am just having a swell time.

BIG D: "All I'm saying is, I used initiative."

"You used your bank, sure cunt."

BIG D: "I got screwed over! I deserved another shot and I won! I don't see you sitting here with a championship."

Fuzz laughs.

FUZZ: "He's got you there, Noah."

"Fuck off." I say with a smirk. "But we've all been screwed over by management. D you literally had that speccy cunt who runs Savage come out and demand an interference. Me and dad still aren't allowed to see this bracket, I'm pushed into every non-title match under the sun. But you know what the weirdest thing is... Nothing is happening to us. Thaddeus Duke got fired over nothing. Big D you trashed the set and Fuzz you're a bigger thorn in management's side since the steroid scandal. And I know I don't shut the fuck up so every prick hates me, but what's happened?"

The look at each other.

FUZZ: "Nothing."

"And you're both champs! Does all this not seem weird to you?"

BIG D: "I won my title fair and square."

FUZZ: "Are you saying I didn't?"

BIG D: "No I'm not saying that... Well..."

Fuzz places an elbow on the table to eyeball Big D.

"Lads, let's not get into this. All I'm saying that there's something weird going on. Management aren't directly punishing us but it's funny that you two are on a team after D loses the X title to you, dad. With both titles on the line no less. Funny that I'm against Ruby who people have been itching to see a rematch between us and I'm stuck with the most useless sack of shit in the XWF... What does all this spell out for you?"

Fuzz slowly nods his head as Big D ponders.

BIG D: "I think... I need another drink."



Big D's is... Somewhere... I dunno. I'm wankered. I'm searching for something good on this jukebox as Fuzz wobbles to the side of me, his drink slipping from his hand.

FUZZ: "Go on."

I make a slight turn to him my hand still searching through the crap. Fucking trash music, like looking through Centurion's playlist.

"Go on with what, cunt?"

FUZZ: "You've been biting your tongue about it all night, so out with it."

Ah shit, was it that obvious I was getting jealous of him and D spending time with each other? Fuck me dead, this is gonna be awkward.

"Look Dad."

He holds up a palm to stop me.

FUZZ: "I don't wanna hear it, Noah. I'm very disappointed." I let my head hang with a sigh. "You know how much it would mean to me to punch Gilmour in the face and you're holding it all in!"

I look back up to him with a raised eyebrow.

"Come again, cunt?"

FUZZ: "Peter said some more of the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life and you haven't mentioned it once! Let it out, man!"

Me eyes dart around a bit.

"He did say some dumb shit."

FUZZ: "He thinks I'm your son! How fucking stupid can you be!?"

"Yeah... Plus the fucking inbred mongrel thinks me calling people cunts is rude and disrespectful but doesn't have the wherewithal in his thick skull to understand yelling at people to suck his dick. No there has to be a reason I call people cunts? The reason is because they're fucking cunts! Or they're my friends... It's very context-sensitive."

FUZZ: "Yeah I know, but you digress."

"Yeah, I digress. The dumb fuck says because I hate Liam, it'll be our downfall when the cunt doesn't respect or even know who Ruby is! Ruby, although being a pissbaby, is a much better wrestler than Gilmour but right now that shit cunt is pulling as much weight as the shit cunt I'm shackled too. It's like I'm living in upside-down land when Peter shit-eating Gilmour is doing more work than someone who was shined up to be the next Anarchy champion!"

"Ruby is too busy tweeting at Lacklan to actually prove she can hang with the full-time wrestlers on the other brands, nah cunt is obsessed with being a little cunt in a small pond over at Anarchy, too scared to branch out, too scared to go out of her comfort zone. That tiny nugget of shit is getting shown up by the biggest, fattest, no talent having, insecure fuck that can't even put two and two together on a good day. It's exactly like I fucking said."

"Put a mirror in front of the cunt, he pecks himself."

"I just have to sit there and get mad at how stupid he is."

"So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna take that lazy good for nothing paperweight called Ruby and slam her fragile form into that human trash bag with the recycled one-liners, all the while I'll have Liam Roberts hanging from my ankle, begging me to make him relevant. I'm going up that fucking mountain and walking down a round one winner, not the sandbag I'm carrying or the two shit cunts in my way can stop me. I'm advancing and I'm going to the final, fucking believe that cunts. I'm gonna fucking win and we're having Cunt-o-Mania with yours truly standing proud holding, not the Universal title, but the fucking papers of this shit hole company."

"Fucking no talent, part-timers trying to drag me down. Fucking makes me sick."

I turn back over to the jukebox as Fuzz smiles as he claps me on the back.

FUZZ: "Spoken like a true hard worker. Feel better now?"

I find something by Kylie Minogue and think it's close enough. Fuck it, it's 'Stralian at the very least.

"Much better, cheers, dad."

We turn away as Big D hobbles drunkenly towards us.

FUZZ: "Where the fuck have you been?"

Big D sways a little with a shrug.

BIG D: "Arm-wrestling. You need a drink?"

Before either of us could answer D already strolls to the bar, Fuzz gives a yawn.

FUZZ: "Man, getting tired. Need something to wake me up."

"There was some cunt selling coke in the toilet before."

Fuzz gives a 'hm' and finishes off his drink...



FFFFFFFFffffffffshhhhhh...

*hic*

"Unintelligible Australian gibberish followed by cunt!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

BIG D: "Cold hard truth and determination!"

FUZZ: "Clever analogy and dry wit!"

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhh yooooooooooouzzzzzzjj cunt! Flormgorb I dunno fuck shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit


YEH!


*Bluuurg*

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Agh fuck... My fucking head.

...

The harsh morning sunlight pierces my vision as I'm awoken by the cat licking at my face. My face is pressed against the cold marble as I open my eyes to the large puddle of drool surrounding me. I feel shitty. Ugh. I push myself up from the floor with a pained groan and my knees almost buckle. Fuck me, cunt, feels like I've got an axe stuck in my head. I hobble my way over to the kitchen of my home... Wait. Is this my house?

I open my eyes wider, the light is killing me but it's worth it.

Yup, it's my gaff. Thank fuck for that.

I breathe a sigh of relief which turns into vomit as I puke into the sink. I lay my head on the cool refreshing metal for a moment and run the tap, throwing cold water against my lips. I stand up straight with a groan and put my wait on the tabletop. I try and stop the room from spinning as the cat rubs up against my jeans; I spit out into the sink and try to make my way to the kettle for a nice cuppa.

"HEY!"

I jump a fucking mile with a scream followed immediately with a hiss through my teeth as I cradle my temple. VV is fresh-faced wearing one of my t-shirts, she smiles seeing me. Her face twisted into delight at my pain.

"Hey, V... Why are you here?"

VV goes down to cuddle the cat.

VV: "I ended up just sleeping here since you got here so late, didn't want to leave this little guy all alone."

"Well, thank you."

I turn around to go back to the kettle but keep stopping to hold my stomach and stifle another vom. VV rolls her eyes and comes to me, setting me down on one of the stools by the island and continuing to make me a coffee.

VV: "Good night, I take it?"

"From what I remember, sure."

VV: "And what do you remember?"

I throw my head back searching for the answer as I re-think last night.



Well now I'm proper fucked, that wasn't even me that was Homer Simpson... I look back at VV.

"... I think I watched The Simpsons? Wait, we didn't have sex did we?"

She gives a chuckle.

VV: "No, you passed out on the floor the second you got in." She says with a grin. My body relaxes. "But it looks like you still got lucky, champ."

Champ?

Vita points down at my waist as she end her sentence.

I look down seeing the Xtreme Title gleaming back at me.

...

"Well..."

"Shit."