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Unsolved Mysteries: 1st & Only RP - Sebastian Duke - 10-27-2019 This program is about Unsolved Mysteries. Whenever possible, the actual family members and police officials have participated in the recreation of events. In some cases, the names have been changed. What you are about to see is not a news broadcast. MISSING ”The Heavyetalweight Championship,” begins Paul Heyman, the host of these Unsolved Mysteries. ”At one time, a great source of fun and entertainment during even the leanest and quietest of times in the Xtreme Wrestling Federation with pin attempts several times per day.” The scene flips from Paul Heyman to what is obviously a reenactment. Sebastian Duke is in a dimly lit room. He’s quickly and quietly moving about the room opening drawers and doors and placing unseen objects inside them before closing them. Finally, the reenactment fades to an interview. WALLACE WITASICK Former Warfare General Manager The graphic shows Wallace Witasick, but its clearly just Sebastian Duke holding a picture of Witasick in front of his face. ”In our heyday, while certainly not a staple of Warfare or any show, the Heavymetalweight title was a pivotal source of entertainment during the downtime between Warfare and the REAL flagship of the Xtreme Wrestling Federation, Monday Night Madness which the greatest General Manager in the history of the XWF ran in Paul Heyman.” Back to the reenactment. Sebastian Duke is shown hiding a plethora of pins all over the dimly lit room from earlier in the show before hiding in a darkened corner. The camera cuts and “Unknown Soldier” walks into the room. “Soldier” is clearly Sebastian Duke in Soldier-esque face paint. “Soldier” carries a homemade cardboard Heavymetalweight title and the camera cuts behind “Soldier.” “Soldier” is now replaced by an unknown person as Sebastian Duke emerges from the shadows to roll up “Unknown Soldier” from behind. Again, the camera cuts to a previously unseen referee, who is, once again, Sebastian Duke in a referee shirt. He counts 1 then 2 then brings his hand down a third time but stops half way. It’s evidently a live shot of Sebastian Duke’s hand suspended in mid air because he continues to blink before the scene cuts to another interview. SHANE CIRCA 2013 Former XWF Owner Once again, the graphic displays Shane circa 2013 but is really Sebastian Duke in 2019 with an eyepatch. ”Waggle baggle,” says Duke as 2013. ”I have shit stuck in my ass.” Duke, as Shane 2013, then sends a scatbear pic over Skype. ”Where’s my potato?” ”So what happened to the Heavymetalweight Championship?” Heyman asks as he strolls slowly through a darkened rain soaked parking lot. ”As of this filming, it has been nearly a week since anyone has tried to hide a pin. Is it gone forever? Will no one ever hide a pin again and trick the champion into losing? “Only time will tell.” Unsolved Mysteries fades to a commercial break. KIDNAPPED ”Who is responsible for the kidnapping of fun in the Xtreme Wrestling Federation?” Heyman asks, still strolling through the parking lot from earlier. ”There was a time when wrestlers could film promo after promo firing at one another and countering one another. “It was a great source of entertainment from both competitors and fans alike.” This reenactment carries no audio. It shows Sebastian Duke circa 2013 filming promo after promo after promo in preparation for High Stakes in Las Vegas. Seconds later, it flips to Mr. Satellite filming promo after promo after promo in response. Though Satellite is clearly just Sebastian Duke wearing a burlap sack over his face and holding his arm behind his back. I mean, he’s even wearing the same TAPOUT t-shirt for hells sake. Anyway, Sebastian Duke and Duke as Satellite go back and forth filming 30 promos between them. At the end of it all, both Duke and Satty appear to be near dead, exhausted from the volume of work and effort they put forth. The reenactment fades to an interview. THADDEUS DUKE Fired XWF Star Thaddeus is again, clearly Sebastian Duke but wearing a lot of concealer to look younger and wearing a Thaddeus Duke XWF hoodie (on clearance now on XWFshop.com) that looks like its four sizes too small. It might actually be Thaddeus Duke’s actual hoodie. We await confirmation of that. ”It’s a travesty really,” says not Thaddeus. ”We lead busy lives and we’re not able to come face to face in order to hype our matches like some place that ends in E and is hardly entertaining. So, being able to film our promos at our leisure and respond to each other is the actual name of the game we play. “Some idiots lost sight of that, obviously.” We fade to Heyman. ”Who’s idea was it to end the fun in the XWF? There’s only three options of who it could be. “No matter the answer, it should be a crime.” We cut to another interview as Sebastian Duke is stuck in his Thaddeus hoodie and realizes too late that we’re “live” again. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights for a few seconds before finally relaxing, still stuck. ”I don’t want to have to film 5, 6, 10 promos anymore. No one does. “Though sometimes, the right opponent comes along and you just mesh so well with them and you feed off of them. It’d be nice if I could film more if I chose to.” Sebastian Duke wipes a tear from his eye with part of his hoodie covered arm. ”My desire to participate in the XWF should never be totally restrained. This isn’t fun.” The camera cuts to Heyman in the parking lot. ”Will the fun in the XWF ever be released from whomever is keeping it captive? “Or has the perpetrator already killed it forever?” Unsolved Mysteries fades to commercial. Back from commercial and the camera is lying on the floor on its side. Sebastian Duke, Paul Heyman and at least a half dozen other voices can be heard yelling. Finally, Duke is sitting on the floor with several people trying to remove the Thaddeus Duke hoodie from his body. ”GET A FUCKING KNIFE! “A PAIR OF SCISSORS! “FOR FUCKS SAKE I’M STUCK!” ”GET THE EMT!” Unsolved Mysteries fades back to commercial. VANISHED Parking lot. Paul Heyman. You get the idea by now, right? ”The Federweight Championship, named for perhaps the greatest shit talker to ever play the game, Sid Feder. “It was once one of the most popular aspects of the XWF. Much like the Heavymetalweight title, it was a great source of fun during downtime.” The scene cuts to a reenactment. This time its Sebastian Duke (finally freed from his hoodie prison) as Poppa Feder, complete with his Jason Voorhees hockey mask and the baby carrier with fat Peter Gilmour inside it. In this reenactment, Fat Peter Gilmour in the Baby Carrier is played by Peter Dinklage in a fat suit. ”Get ‘em Poppa!” Peter Dinkmour yells from his baby carrier. Poppa Feder replies but his words are muffled and unintelligible due the mask. The camera cuts to the far side of the room where Sebastian Duke is wearing a blond mullett wig and waving his hand around pretending its a gun. ”I’m gonna fuck your mother with my big glock, donkey fucker!” Sebastian Duke as Sid Feder yells out before the scene cuts to an interview. ”SUCK OUR DICKS!” yells Dinklage in a fat suit as Peter Gilmour. ”JACK SPARROW” XWF Head of Creative (Whatever that means.) “Jack Sparrow” is just Sebastian Duke wearing a GOAT mask, clearly to conceal the true identity of Jack Sparrow. ”I’m just here to be a pretty face,” Jack says. ”I don’t actually do anything but deliver snarky comments and go on the attack when clearly people have an issue with the XWF. Why try and solve anything if I can just berate and insult them instead? “It’s true that people have approached me about ideas and I’ve allowed those ideas to fall on deaf ears because honestly? I don’t want to be bothered by actually having to DO anything.” Cut to Heyman. ”Is Jack Sparrow the right man for the job? He’s so detached from it all that his comments didn’t even make sense. They didn’t even have anything to do with the subject matter of the Federweight title. "Can Jack Sparrow be trusted?" Cut to an interview. ”FISHER PRICE” 1/3 Principal XWF Owner Sitting in a chair is a corded telephone from 1984. Beside the chair is a graphic of “Fisher Price” and beneath the graphic it reads: “Phoning It In.” ”To be entirely honest,” Sebastian Duke (horribly impersonating his half-brother) begins via telephone. ”I’ve been phoning it in for years despite having only actually bought into the XWF a few months ago. “I mean, I’ve been very successful no matter how many calls I made.” ”Clearly,” Heyman says in the parking lot. ”Clearly ownership is entirely detached from those beneath them. “As of this filming, ladies and gentlemen, it has been 13 days. THIRTEEN DAYS since the last Federweight Championship attempt. To put that into perspective, President Kennedy defused the Cuban Missile Crisis, which you know, threatened entire world destruction, in 13 fucking days.” Unsolved Mysteries fades to commercial. MURDER Back from commercial, Paul Heyman stands in the pouring rain in the parking lot, looking entirely pissed at the turn in the weather. ”It wasn’t supposed to rain for another hour, Mort!” he yells to a production assistant. “Who killed the Xtreme Wrestling Federation?” Heyman asks rhetorically. ”Okay so its not ACTUALLY dead, but it’s not what it was and that we can agree on. Whether you like the way things are or you don’t, we can still agree that things aren’t the way they were.” The camera cuts to a reenactment. The camera shows the back of a slightly pudgy average height kind of guy with long bleach blond hair. In front of him is Sebastian Duke as Shane 2013, complete with the eyepatch. In the reenactment it shows the bleach blond haired guy giving a briefcase to Duke/ in exchange for a manilla envelope. The bleached hair fella opens the envelope and pulls out a sheet of paper that reads: “XWF Title Deed.” Corny, I know, but it works for this story. ”VANNIE LAME” & ROXY COTTON 1/3 XWF Owner & Gutter Slut ”The XWF has been my baby for years,” Dog the Bounty Hunter as “Vannie Lame” says. Roxy crushes up some pills on the arm of her chair. ”Even before I bought it from Shane . I loved it. I nurtured it. I allowed it to suckle at my teet. I kept it afloat...” Roxy snorts the powdery remains of the pills she just smashed. ”You tell ‘em baby!” Back to the reenactment. The camera is behind an unknown man, superimposed on his back is the XWF logo. He walks with his hands in his jacket when from out of nowhere, a car speeds up beside him and fires shots into his head. The car speeds off without anyone getting a good look at the assailent. The XWF lies bleeding out and near death on the ground. Back to the interview. CRACK! A leg comes into the picture, kicking “Vannie Lame” in the chin with a super kick. ”BETTER THAN YOU!” shouts Heyman. Another super kick hits an alive Beth Chapman as Roxy Cotton. ”BETTER THAN YOU AGAIN!!” Heyman shouts. Both “Lame” and Roxy are out cold on the carpet as Sebastian Duke lifts up one of the overturned chairs and takes a seat in it. His Thaddeus Duke hoodie that was cut off him earlier is pieced together and held together with duct tape. ”I once celebrated the end of the Shane era,” Sebastian says as Thaddeus. ”I was wrong for that,” he admits as he wipes a tear. ”Is this it for the XWF?” a drenched Heyman asks from the parking lot. ”Have we reached the end times under the guidance of Vannie Lame, Fisher Price and Jack Sparrow? Will the XWF ever recapture what made it great in the first place? ”If you have any information about these, or other Unsolved Mysteries go to Unsolved dot com or Call 1-800-876-5353. “Perhaps YOU might help SOLLLVE a mystery!” Back at home in his penthouse in Arlington, Virginia, a sweaty, out of breath Sebastian Duke awakens himself with a startle out of a deep sleep. ”What the actual fuck was that!?”