In Robert’s Head


Out Loud



I don't want to get up. I don't want to move at all. And at that moment, it takes all the horsepower I have to make a good choice, to reach for the proverbial oxygen tank and take a breath. I can't recall the last time I reached out for that child I once was. I started to see a murkiness around the lights instead of the other way around, and before I knew it, there were no more colors in my world. Black and grey were it. They say there is a rope ladder out of depression, one you can use to ascend you’re out of the funk, the predicament at the moment is that I just can't find the will to reach out for the first rung, let alone try.



Bob? Are you alright?



Robert leers at Drew like the fire in his eyes has been dowsed with a five-gallon bucket of ice water, if anything it makes the blue paler.



I'm not used to feeling this way, it disheartens me. I’m discouraged, demoralized and a bit unsettled. I’ve gone from being on top of the mountain to the bottom of the barrel. All I want to do now is just crawl back inside my invisible shell. I don’t need this shit. Not anymore.



Robert moves his eyes more slowly, like they are heavy, an effort to move.



Depression is often unobserved, unheard, the silent killer. It's the excruciation anguish that's too much to cope with, too strenuous to deal with and so misunderstood. You can't sneak away to escape it’s fridge grasp no matter how hard you try, because it stalks you like an ebony shadow that's on the inside, eating you alive.



The blizzard of despair removes the illusion of my eyes. I am not alone, I am one of many in this world and the world is full of interesting things to see, to touch to feel, to keep my mind anchored in time and space. But as the dark flakes of wretchedness whirl around me in an infuriated vortex, I am as alone as I would be in the bleakness of space and cold, so cold. I could reach out to try and guide my way, but it is swallowed every time by the cheerless flakes. While the wind rages without end, only reducing its ferocity long enough to gather the strength for another attack. All my heart can do is beat warm blood around my veins in a hope that the storm will end, all my mind can do is plan the most logical path to warmth, safety and to something more tangible.



Robert?



Depression means that without sound, the mind plummets downward into less and less light and darkness beyond measure. Is there a bottom to the mind's pain? Is there any branch of hope, or something to catch or hold onto? Is there some rescuing idea that can come into the thoughts of the victim? How much darkness can one take without any light? It seems that hope cannot come from within us, so it has to enter from outside. If one can turn his thoughts toward the Almighty One, even for a flashing moment, then that will be a moment of relief. Why? Because a small light will appear in the dark thoughts, and this thought allows us to see the greatness of Him who loves us. The Light morphs into more rays of hope. Even a small ray of hope will reveal His power when we have none. In our downward plunge, a strong hand reaches, catches us, and halts our drowning in bottomless gloom. He pulls us up and we breathe in His Light. It is not total relief yet, but it is a start.



I again leered at Drew but could not speak. I stood on the brink of something I couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on my shoulders and I struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, I kept moving. But every step cost me. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength and I began to wonder if things could ever get better. But I never said a word. Sometimes I wonder if that smile- the horribly fake smile- is ever seen through. If someone ever notices that sad, broken look in my eyes that I see in the mirror. If they see beauty where I see ugliness. And then I laugh, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at myself. Nobody cares. No one notices. They never seem to, do they? I've fought for years. I just march on. But this time is different.



There's nothing tragically beautiful about depression. It's not sad songs and poetry, shy glances or drowning in the bath. It's not ghostly white skin tainted by charcoal circles under sad eyes and large purple bruises stretching viciously up your arms. It isn't lonely walks, vacant coffee shops or smoking dusty cigarettes. Depression is unwashed clothes and flaking skin. It's over-eating and the inability to even get out of bed. It's giving up on yourself and not taking pride in your appearance anymore. It's empty inboxes, bursts of anger and late-night tears. It's a feeling of disgust within yourself that makes you want to tear off your skin just, so you can feel clean. It's uncertainty and confusion. It's losing weight, long showers and greasy hair. It's constantly wishing you could be somewhere or someone else. It's losing the will to even live. Depression is not tragically beautiful, it's just tragic.



I feel like something is eating me up from the inside as if my conscience is telling me I'm not good enough.



Robert you need to hang on.



Drew reached his hand out towards Robert who didn’t move a muscle until Drew got almost close enough to touch him swatting away Drew’s outstretched limb.



Depression isn't something you can put a band-aid over and say it'll be okay. Because news flash! It won't. Depression drags you into this pit and never lets you go. No matter how hard or how long someone's rope is they throw to get you out, something always cuts the cord, so you plummet back down to the ground. You get hurt with each attempt to get out, more and more dirt covering you as you try. In life, there are no chapters. You have no book to read, no story that shows much of a purpose. You have the ups and downs of life, yes, but when was there ever a book to read about you? There is no book dedicated to you. There is no book about your life story. If someone wants to know about it, they should stick by your side and ride along with you. Where is that happy ending everyone was looking forward to? The answer is simple, there isn’t a happy ending, life isn’t a fairy tale filled with a princess and prince charming. After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same damn box.



I know everything about my darkness, yet I know nothing about why it haunts me, nothing about why it sometimes settles for days and other times appears for a fleeting hour. There is only one way I can explain it. You know when something bad has happened, and the next day when you wake up in the morning, for those first 3 seconds your mind is deliciously blank, you remember nothing and nobody? Then it hits, your heart drops, your stomach sinks and you squeeze your eyes shut, hoping it was all a bad dream? When the darkness comes, that is what I feel like, every moment of every day, until it passes. My body feels hollow and full of sadness all at once, I can't remember ever being happy. I don't know what I'm sad about, but its bone-crushing sadness, the kind that makes you clench every muscle in your body to try and squeeze it out. The kind of sadness that makes you unable to think about the future. The kind of sadness that makes you feel like you're alone, even when you're surrounded by friends or family. It's the kind of sadness they send you to a doctor for as if a walking PhD will be able to solve everything by prescribing the right pills to lull you into the only state worse than depression. I finally speak to Drew.



Hang on to what? Drew, I used to be strong. I don’t feel like me right now, and I think I need help.



What do you need? I’ll do anything for you Robert you know that. Except, pay back all my debts or give back one of the many credit cards I have taken out in your name. Just say the word after everything that you have done for me over my life I owe you everything. Just hang on!



Drew, this is something you or anyone else can help me with. After everything that we have gone through over the past few weeks. (Robert let’s out a sigh) You say keep hanging on, but I don’t know if I want to.



Robert, what are you saying?



You know what I’m saying, Drew. I thought all of this would get better with age, now I’m just tired, I’ve got ten feet of rope and nowhere to tie it. Honestly, man, I’m exhausted, my bones are heavy, my mind is a fragile mess. I’m defeated, man. Even after I crushed “The Sugay Sisters” on Savage I didn’t feel like myself. Even after us becoming the longest-reigning Tag Team Champions in XWF history. (Robert shakes his head) 241 days. We wanted to achieve that specific goal when you and I won those belts and we did it. Yet I feel like shit? It’s one thing to get knocked off the horse, Drew they knocked the damn horse over with us on it.



Hold your head high Bob, you have an opportunity to regain everything in one night, and if you can you’ll become a two time Universal Champion. That more than most people can say past, present or future.



Regain everything? They were right, I was a paper champion. I’m a false prophet. Drew, I’m the one who’s supposed to be giving people hope, I’m a liar. I'm standing on the edge man, I wonder if I slipped and fell, would anyone care? I’m doing my best to fix this situation but I don’t believe it can be repaired.



Robert they believe in you, I believe in you. You cannot throw in the towel or wave a white flag here. Dust yourself off and get back on that horse Hoss.



Drew, I’m living on the dark side, from your vantage point I know it’s hard to tell but I’m going through a tough time man. I feel like I’m stuck in the damn mud blindfolded with my arms tied behind my back. There have been some heavy blows over the past few weeks and it’s not easy for me. It’s a long fall from the top and brother I’m feeling it. I'm running' out of places where the bruises and the scars hide. Honestly, I'm angry and exhausted. I’m being tortured by my feelings, my thoughts, I’m running out of options and I don’t want sympathy, I’ve never been in this game for glory. I all I want to do is tell my story and people after me remember it.



Robert, no, no, no, this can’t be it. Tell me this is a joke, a bad dream, anything?



Robert doesn’t respond.



Robert, damn it say something. This isn’t you.



Drew, this is it, my friend. This is my last ride and after this match, there isn’t going to be an encore, even if all those fans scream and cheer. I’m going to hang up my boots, and I want everyone to see this clearly when I leave the XWF, I will not reappear. One final ride for everything, I’ve fought my entire career to obtain. This match is the line in the sand and whether I go down in a blaze of glory or get carried out on my shield this is it.



Drew remains silent for a moment



We ride together, we die together.



Robert cracks a small smile



Really a bad boys reference?



Those are great movies Bob and you know it. Top ten swear to God. Plus it fits our situation at the moment.



Robert’s smile widens



It’s been a pleasure Drew.



-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_STATIC-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_


































His mind was a constant poison that would fill him with venom. He is filled with his own darkness and depression which he still attempts to file away and forget, like a bad grade or a nagging injury. He is in this sea of depression, not knowing how to swim. Robert has constructed a boat in the past, it is made from their words and thoughts. But this time around things seems more difficult.


The church was tiny and cheap, with plastic stained windows instead of glass. Instead of pews, metal benches ran across the room. With a shiny tiled floor and the smell of old cigarette smoke, it was practically a Vegas Chapel. Robert took everything in for a few moments before moving forward towards the crucifix. As Robert gets closer to the electric chair of its time as he halts quickly turning around but no one is there. His eyes flicker about, still no one. He stays on alert taking everything around him in one second at a time.



What was that? I thought I heard… No.. Can’t be..



Robert shakes his head a few times before dropping to his knees in front of the crucifix his arms out to his sides



I need you, God, to guide me through these trials and tribulations. I want to believe, it just hard when I’ve never seen you. Even at this very moment, I’m on shaky knees. Please, God!



Robert bows his head as his dirty blond hair falls over his face



God, I’m breaking I’m on the high way to hell and guaranteed to shake hands with Satan. My mind is a mess, I need you to pull me back into the light. I hope you hear me right now. It’s so dark in my head in my soul and my heart. I fell dead. Give me a sign if you’re hearing what I’m saying. Please. Don’t make me beg, I’m a man humbled down on my knees with nowhere else to turn. I need help. Give me the strength that I need to let go of my past and get back on my feet. I need the vision to see the path I once walked on. Give me the courage to dream, while I'm broken in half. I pray you give me a sign. I'm caught up in too many lies, I swear to you if you help me now I won't make the same mistake twice. Please, God, I feel weak, I feel the evil creeping' in me, I see the shadows turn into crazy shapes. The devil is creeping in.



In that helpless moment, God didn’t answer, but the devil himself did and “The Omega” listened



















CHRIS PAGE- “Don’t worry I’m here. Look at you down on your knees. Pathetic! To think you were once Universal Champion what a joke”!



Robert pivots gazing over his shoulder seeing “Chronic” Chris Page at the churches entrance.



No, no, no. You are gone.



CHRIS PAGE- “Am I Robert? It seems I’ve planted a seed in that broken mind and it’s grown. Look at what’s going on around you. They’ve cast you out, just like they did to me. The hero taken to the curb like trash, as evil was allowed to prevail. When are you going to learn that good guy's finish last? How many times is it going to take getting kicked in the nuts for you to realize the truth? They are using you. How does Montréal feel? I bet it left a sour taste”?



No, that didn’t happen! What happened was fair and square.



PAGE laughs



CHRIS PAGE- “You can tell yourself whatever you’d like. If you need proof look to the shoulder you used to perch the Universal Championship where is it? Around the waist of Soldier, where it doesn’t belong. You were screwed over big time. You were a lamb led to the slaughter.”



Robert leers at his shoulder where he used to place the Universal Championship then to his hands clutched white knuckle tight. Robert leaps from the floor seeing Page is gone.



Am I losing my mind?



CHRIS PAGE- “No, I’m right here.”



Robert feels the presence of Page behind him glancing over his shoulder



CHRIS PAGE- “Do it.. Take a swing Main, it’s not like you haven’t hit me before. Or have your balls fallen off? You don’t have the guts, anymore do you? You have become a sorry sack of shit. This pity me bull shit isn’t going to get the job done and you know it. Man, the fuck up. Take back what was appropriated from you. Hit me. Go ahead! (Page throws his hands up) Maybe you didn’t hear me. (Page screams) DO IT”!!!



Without hesitation, Robert throws a haymaker falling flat on the floor seeing Page is gone again. Robert turns over looking for Page who is kneeling at his side grinning.



CHRIS PAGE- “Oh, Dick you’ll have to do better than that to get rid of me. I’m in your head and I’m not going anywhere.”



A hunched figure cloaked in black kneels next to Robert. The smooth rosary beads are interlaced in the long, pale fingers of his trembling hands.



My child are you okay?



Page is now standing over the clergyman acting like his is stroking himself. It takes a few seconds for Robert to respond.



Yeah, I’m fine.



Who are you talking to in an empty church? The man upstairs perhaps?



He whispers in a voice hoarse from reciting prayer after prayer, asking for forgiveness. He raises his gaze to the crucifix ahead of him and then up to Christ's face.



That’s what I was trying to do.



The clergyman rises from his knees to his feet and lights a candle. The dim yellow-orange glow of the light illuminates his hands. As he looks to Robert once more.



What did he have to say, my son? You seem troubled.



CHRIS PAGE- “What’s this prick know about troubled, he doesn’t know the half of it.”



Troubled is an understatement. I tried talking to God, he didn’t listen to me. You don’t hear someone else?



There’s no one here but us and God.



Oh, there’s someone else here.



Who?



The Devil!











_-_-_-_-_-_PROMO_-_-_-_-_-_





Unknown Soldier in the flesh? If I didn’t see it with my own eyes. I would have called bull shit.



Robert takes a seat on one of the metal chairs staring at the crucifix with his back turned.



Welcome back, I guess? (Robert shrugs throwing his hands up) Promise us all this time around you’ll stay longer than a hot fucking second before you bounce again. Anyway, back to your triumphant return to wrestling. I mean wow am I right? First, you decided to take the X-Treme Championship from some prick caught with his pants down taking a cat nap. Congratulations are in order, a hell of a job you were one of the most influential Champions in modern history. I can hear the champagne bottles popping as I speak. 14 days as Champion and no defenses. (Robert golf claps) That right there ladies and gentlemen I can’t make up. You literally sat on your hands and did nothing besides kick out a time or two. Yet you get praised? We keep this up and most of us will be asking Chris Page to open his Micky Mouse operation for a paycheck. But enough on what doesn’t mean shit, right? Let’s talk about the reason we're here. My belt.



Great job in pilfering the Universal Championship from me. You really should do yourself a favor and pat yourself on the back because, in all honesty, you did something no other man or woman in this company could seem to do since I became an active wrestler on this roster in 2016. You pinned me to the fucking canvas for three seconds. (Robert waives his hands in the air) Wait…Wait a second. Engy would be rolling over in his grave the egotistical ass wipe. One man did twice but he’s dead now so that shit is irrelevant. It isn’t the fact that you used a briefcase from fifty years ago that bothers me. I’m cool with it. Or the fact that you cashed in when I was least expecting it. If you want to call yourself the Champion, by all means, go ahead. But look at how you got it for a second. How is that a credible way of winning a major Championship? A hit and run? Really? We all thought you were better than that Soldier.



Here’s the thing with cases, they are pointless, and now that I have become an innocent victim to a cash-in I can see that. They exist for one reason, to get undercard talent over. That being said. What’s that say about you Soldier? Mid-card at best? What you did was find your way to the Championship through a loophole. I went to a secondary show defended the Championship to help this company and what happened? The company I love, the company I fought for let this happen to me. I carried the place on my damn back and for what? To get kicked in the teeth? Allowing a man who has been gone for years to slip in through the cracks and take it all away. You took a huge shit on my reign as Champion and everything I did to right the sinking ship. I guess some of the blame can and should fall on my shoulders too. I was preoccupied with Chris page, you caught me off guard and that is my fault.



I knew at some point this moment would come I did. Maybe VV would cash in, knowing she could never beat me in the ring. That I could see coming like a fortune teller. Hell, I told the kid to cash in on me. I have no problem propping guys like Ned up. But you Soldier? You of all people? Nostra FUCKING damus couldn’t have predicted this swerve. The man who is supposed to strike fear into the hearts of every single person on this roster. You decided to stab me in the back like a pussy? For the first time in my life, I was shocked. My jaw hit the floor. I couldn’t believe it. You showed your true colors on Savage and as far as a man that fears nothing? Not hardly. You get cold feet around Robert Main. Fool me once shame on you. There won’t be a fool me twice moment. Now you have my full undivided attention and no matter what situation you decide to try and place me in. I want you to know it won’t be enough to keep me down.



Robert stands keeping his back turned



I can’t seem to understand why so many others backstage cower to a man who looks like he ran through a Halloween Express on meth. You are nothing more than a cheap gimmick that I’ll expose to the world. Behind all the cheap face paint and blood capsules you chew up, you are a spineless son of a bitch. You bleed just like everyone else. Behind all the hail Satan bull shit is a trembling little boy trying to play a tough guy. I don’t fear you. I see you for what you truly are, a man walking down basic bitch boulevard, pushing the same tired story we’ve all seen since what? 2012? You walked back into this company and didn’t meet one bit of opposition. Everyone collectively pissed down their legs except me. I am one of the most natural wrestlers walking God’s green Earth and you decided you wanted to play with fire and took that last desperate gasp to become Champion. I want you to do me a favor, as those trembling hands clutch my Championship belt because it is mine. I want you to take a long look at your reflection in the gold that isn’t rightfully yours.



I want you to take a long look at a man’s career that’s fading away second by second. You might have come back guns blazing, but now it’s my turn to pull the trigger and buddy I don’t fucking miss the mark. Soldier you have had one hell of an impressive career accolade after accolade but in the here and now this is Robert “The Omega” Mains world. What you have done in the past plays no part in this match. Most would look at your record and shy away shitting themselves. They’d get the shudders and have second thoughts. Begging uncle Vinny for a way out. I will never dread men like you. That’s not me. That’s not who I am. This business is all about what have you done lately, and you haven’t done a God damn thing besides vanish into thin air. You’ve placed yourself in a position that there isn’t a way out of. You were the one that had to beat your chest and play the hotshot. Now you’ve painted yourself into a corner. The pressure isn’t on me, I’ve proven time and time again without a shadow of a doubt who I am.



Robert finally turns around making his way towards the camera



I’m a once in a generation athlete and once I’m gone there will never be anyone like me again. I put asses in those seats, people pay out their hard-earned dollars to watch me whip guys like you. The pressure lies squarely on your shoulders that I’ll pin down and take my belt back. You have everything to lose here, the title, your reputation, your legend. You came back and wanted to fuck with the big guns well look no further, here I am ready to shove my fist down your throat elbow deep. You’ve made it this way Soldier. We both know there’s no going back. You came back because you had something to prove, and not to the roster, you had to prove it to your self devil man. You had to show yourself you still had enough in the tank to compete on the main stage. You stole the gold from royalty and now, I’m locked and loaded with a motor that’s overheated and ready to blow.



Robert gets face to face with the camera



When that bell rings, I’ll expose the myth known as the Unknown Soldier. For the first time, your fans will see who you truly are. As I dismantles you brick by brick I want the other relics of the past watching on those monitors from behind the curtains to understand one thing. And as they watch they will realize that Robert Main wasn’t thrown to the wolves. No, No, No. It was you, and after I burn your ass down to the ground. I’ll take those smoldering ashes filling your final resting place. From that moment forward I’ll drag that coffin right behind me, so no one will ever forget that Unknown Soldier was Robert Mains bitch. You choose to not proceed with caution. Destroying you proves every doubter wrong that said I couldn’t. After all the smoke settles and I leave a two time Universal Champion remember this little fact, you were nothing more than a place holder in a world you no longer belong in.



Robert grins



A transitional Universal Champion is all you’ll ever be known for.



_-_-_-_-_-_-_STATIC-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_