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+---- Thread: Big D Goes To School (/showthread.php?tid=34192)
Big D Goes To School - B.O.B. D - 07-24-2019
School had never been easy on me. It wasn't usually the work itself that gave me problems, but rather the people around me. Teachers couldn't teach, the boys were bullies, and the girls barely noticed me(when they did, it was usually my negative features those who harassed me pointed out). Once my diploma was in my hand, I shot out that door and never intended to go back.
But here I was, inside of an elementary school for the first time since 5th grade. Back then I was a push over and the bigger kids took advantage of it. Now I'm the one doing the pushing and it's shown through my recent success. This school, Lincoln(because it seemed like ALL schools were named after dead presidents), invited me to be a guest speaker because of my rise to the top. Apparently they think I'm some sort of role model or something.
"Alright class, today we have a VERY special guest," I heard the elderly Mrs. White announce to her 4th grade class. "He's a professional 'rassler from the X-W-FFFF." She spoke each letter very slowly, but elongated the 'F' for some reason. "Please put your happy hands together for Mr. D!"
She couldn't even get my name right. An educator who couldn't read, no wonder kids these days were little shits. The people in charge were leading them in the wrong direction, how sad. Nonetheless, I ignored her mistake and made my way into the classroom.
"Hey, kids!" I exclaimed as I burst through the door. They all started screaming and cheering, even though most of them probably had no clue who I was. I walked over and shook their half-dead teacher's hand. "It's BIG D," I whispered to her.
"I know," she responded in an equally quiet tone. "I just didn't think that name was appropriate for the children....." This woman sure was a piece of work, I just imagined how she'd feel had the guest been Peter 'Fucking' Gilmour instead.
"I'm gonna teach you all about the alphabet!" I said with way more enthusiasm than I actually had. There were a million places I would've rather been at that moment, but fifty bucks was fifty bucks, so I figured I'd make the most of the situation. "The first letter is D! Honestly, D is the only one that matters. Think about it, all the best things start with the letter D. My name, diamonds, dogs, driving, dank, dro, dabs......."
"MR. D!" the teacher burst out in horror. "These kids are 8, 9 years old!"
"Right," I replied, feeling stupid. "They already know the alphabet, huh?"
"Maybe you should explain to them the dangers of drugs," Mrs White suggested as she hobbled over to her desk and sat down. I found this ironic considering the fact I had smoked a joint in my car five minutes before entering the building.
"Do you kids want to hear about druuuuugs?" I asked, despite having obvious red glazed eyes.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" the class cheered like the mindless drones they were already becoming.
"Mmmkay, drugs are bad," I said with my best Mr. Mackey impression. "And when I say drugs, I'm talking about stuff like crack and heroin. Those things can kill you, unlike things that grow in the ground like marijuana or shrooms. Just remember, it's all good as long as it's natural. Like boobs......"
"Okay, that's enough about that!" Mrs. White interrupted, which I thought set a bad example for the children. Nevertheless, I had another topic I prepared to speak about that affected me when I was their age and very likely had an impact on their lives, as well.
"OK, kids, I'm gonna teach you about bullying," I began, before turning my attention to a particular kid in the front row. "YOU, wimpy kid!"
I pointed a finger at a scrawny boy in glasses. He was so small you'd think his legs would break with every step he took. Judging by the clothes he was wearing, you could tell his parents were either poor or didn't have a sense of the latest fashion. This kid was the perfect target for your typical bully.
"I bet you get picked on all the time, huh?" I asked, to which he gave an embarrassed nod. "Now, most people probably tell you not to fight back and to just tell a teacher, right?"
"Mmhmm," he replied very quietly.
"Well I say screw that!" I continued, walking back and forth like an actual motivational speaker. "When I was in school, they told us to just curl up into a ball and sue them if you suffer injuries from it, is that what they taught all of you?"
"YESSSSS!!!!!!" the class shouted out in unison.
"Well, what do you do if your bully KILLS you?" I wondered aloud for the class to think about. "You wind up dead, with no money, AND your bully technically won the fight! Now if you ask me, I'd rather take my chances defending myself."
"But I don't know how to fight," the wimpy kid whined looking down at his desk in shame.
"He sure doesn't!" I heard a random student yell from the back.
"And that's exactly why I'm here," I stated, feeling good that there was something I could actually teach these kids. "Now why don't come on up here and I'll teach you how to slam a bully through a table!"
The kid seemed a bit hesitant, but reluctantly stood up and came to the front. I turned my head and saw the teacher's desk, which seemed perfect for this demonstration. I walked over and swept EVERYTHING off of it, from the random pieces of paper to the expensive computer the school provided her. As I did so, I could see Mrs. White burying her face into her hands. She must've been embarrassed that I was a better teacher than she was. After clearing off the desk, I dragged it over to where the kid was standing.
"Alright, so here's what you do," I explained as I got the table in position. "Grab me by the throat, use all of your might to hoist me into the air, and bring me down so that I crash through the table. Got it?"
"I don't think I'm strong enough to do that," the kid moaned.
"Sure you are!" I boasted, giving him a hard pat on the back. "You just gotta lift with your legs, not your back."
The kid let out a defeated sigh as I knelt down so he could reach my throat. He did his best to put his little hand around it, but only managed to clutch my Adam's apple. After reaching around to put his other hand on my back, the kid used all of his strength to attempt to pick me up, but failed. He then tried again, once more unable to accomplish the feat.
Another boy stood up from his desk and headed in our direction. This kid was MUCH bigger than the first, either from being held back or hitting puberty sooner than the rest of his classmates. He grabbed the scrawny kid around the throat and hoisted him up high above his head, before slamming him down on the table.
CRACK!!!!!!!!!
To the horror of everyone, as the little kid's back smashed the teacher's desk, it didn't break and instead bent his back up like a pretzel. I stood there in shock before turning towards the teacher, who looked just as panicked as I was.
"Quick, call an ambulance!" I ordered, pointing at the educator. Rather than do my request, Mrs. White gasped for air, clutched her chest, and fell out of her seat to the tile floor. ".........better make that two.........."
I stood next to the principal as we stood outside the school with Mrs. White's students. All of us watched as not one, but two ambulances sped away with their sirens blaring. Nervous about my role in everything, I turned to the principal and told him how it was.
"I'm not liable for that," I insisted.
AND NOW FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
There I was, standing in front of a camera, wearing a nice suit, prepared to make a statement. This was my punishment for the events that had transpired at Lincoln Elementary, even though I could've sworn I told them I wasn't liable for that. They wouldn't even give me my fifty bucks, which broke my heart as much as that kid's back.
"Hi, my name is Daniel," I spoke with my hands folded together in front of me. "But you might know me better as Big D, employee of the XWF......."
From off screen, a cameraman tossed me a basketball, which I caught no problem.
"I may not be good at basketball," I said as I shot the basketball out of camera view. The ball ended up hitting some of the camera crew's equipment, sending it crashing to the floor. "But I'll tell you what I AM good at: wrestling. And those skills are gonna be on full display come Leap of Faith........"
"You see, there's quite a few lessons I intend to teach come Sunday; the first one being HONESTY. People say honesty is the best policy, even if it means hurting someone's feelings. Well I'm about to hurt some feelings by laying out the Cold Big D Truth for some people. There's a man named Brian Storm and he's been given quite the participation trophy. Now it's not his fault, he didn't invent this reward meant to boost the ego of people not good enough to ACTUALLY win...... But he DID accept it. Storm very likely thinks he's earned just as much right to be in this match as someone like myself. A man who's won a few matches believes he deserves to share the spotlight with the Star of the Month. What Brian Storm doesn't realize is my loss to Robert Main was more of a victory than ANY of his wins! A man who rambles on like a child typing on an XBOX is nowhere near the caliber of me. He can be mad, but I'm only being honest........."
"Speaking of which, that brings me to another opponent who needs to learn about honesty: Mastermind. This guy truly believes he made me tap out at War Games because he was so tough and 'mastered my mind.' Mastermind is a fine example of a guy who can't handle the truth. He's been around here for quite a while, but has never been Universal Champion. That means he's NEVER gonna get it. I know, I know, the truth hurts. But the fact of the matter is, the only way Mastermind is gonna beat Robert Main is if it's a dummy that he has to have OTHER PEOPLE hoist up for him! Mastermind, anybody can do what you did to those dummies, just like anybody can make a shirt........."
I took off my suit to reveal a custom t-shirt for the camera: it was plain white and had the words 'I Tapped' on the front in red, bold letters. Then I turned around and revealed the back of it, which read 'Mastermind's Mom' in the same font. After a second of letting the camera view the back, I turned back around.
"See? Now, by your logic, you're probably trembling in your boots as much as your mom's p***y was last night. And now I'M the Master of Minds........"
Wanting to go back to being a bit more proper, I picked my jacket up and put it back on before continuing with a different topic.
"The next thing I'd like to talk to you about is EFFORT. In order to be successful in any venture in life, you have to actually try. Two of my Leap of Faith opponents don't seem to understand this. First, there's Donovan Blackwater. I remember when leading up to our Hell in a Cell match with Robert Main, Blackwater accused me of having such shitty promos, cameramen commited suicide. And then what did Donovan do? Nothing. Donovan Blackwater didn't show they cared about that match by promoing more, instead choosing to be as quiet AS a dead cameraman! And the same thing is happening for this match, as well. Where in the world is Donovan Blackwater? If he's smart, he's training his ass off right now, but I get the feeling he's either filming a new season of The Umbrella Academy with his
brothers or tickling Brian Storm's butthole. But hey, at least he's trying in those ventures, right?"I shrugged, knowing The Brothers Blackwater weren't nearly as much of a force as people had made then out to be.
"And that brings me to another man who needs to learn a lesson when it comes to effort: Robbie Bourbon. Much like Donovan Blackwater, Robbie Bourbon has been rather quiet since being announced in this match. What does that mean? Well, I think it means he cares more about his business ventures than his wrestling career. And there's no shame in that. I can't deny the things Robbie did leading up to now have earned him a place in this match, I just question his commitment to win. What happened to all the epic Bourbon promos everyone was raving about? This guy was a contender to win Star of the Month over me and he just vanished into thin air as soon as someone bested him. He's gotta figure out his priorities, especially considering he was the favorite to win. If Robbie wants to walk away from the ring and put all of his effort into other forms of income, that's his right. He should hang up his boots and go try his hardest to do whatever it is generic video game wrestlers do. And that is a lesson in effort......"
"But don't change that channel just yet, because there's still one more lesson for you all to learn: HUMILITY. And there's one particular man who I think of when I hear that word: Ned Kaye. It's a lesson you would've thought he learned against Robert Main, that he's just not ready for the big time yet. There's no denying Ned is a future World Champion, but his time just isn't now. If he were smart, he'd find himself a partner and mull around the Tag division for a year or two; or maybe challenge Tommy Wish for the Xtreme Title. Ned COULD beat Tommy if he faced him, but instead he wishes to dance with the masters. He's in over his head and is gonna not only let down his fans once again, he's gonna disappoint HIMSELF. All because he wanted to run before he could learn to walk. Come Sunday, Ned Kaye is gonna learn it takes time to become a star, you can't just take a leap of faith and hope you catch on."
I was finished with my PSA, but for some reason the guy working the camera was giving me a death stare. As I looked back in confusion, he held up a cue card that said to 'warn the kids at home.' In all my excitement, I had completely forgotten the entire point of DOING this PSA: to keep me out of bigger legal trouble.
"Oh yeah," I said, remembering my lines. "And with that, kids, I leave you with a warning: don't try to slam other kids through tables, just let them beat you up and sue them for your physical harm. Thank you."
AND THAT HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM BIG D
As they cut the camera, I wiped a big drop of sweat from my forehead. Steve Sayors, who was there for legal reasons, approached me with a stunned look on his face.
"What?" I asked, wondering what his problem was.
"You were supposed to do a PSA, not an XWF promo," he responded, shaking his head.
"Hey, I said what I was supposed to," I argued, annoyed he was questioning me. "Not to mention, since when do we hold people liable for OTHER people's actions?! I never told that kid to slam his classmate through the desk, that was all him!"
Steve couldn't believe what I was saying, but technically I was right. If I felt like spending the money, I could've hired a halfway decent lawyer to prove that fact. But losing out on my fifty bucks and not paying legal fees just to tell kids 'not to try this at home' was less hassle. If I could also use it as a platform to send a message to my Leap of Faith opponents, why wouldn't I?
At Leap of Faith, I was gonna be the teacher schooling my opponents in Big D's classroom. They were gonna learn that when I set my sights on something, I don't quit until it's in my hands. And that ain't no story, it's the Cold Big D Truth.