HARDEST WORKER IN THE XWF



I’m sat down in my finest navy suit on a cheap blue chair. I take a sip of water as I look to Steve Sayors looking through some notes or some shit. Look at this cunt, more charisma in a wooden spoon. Did he set this R Kelly crying room up? Fake plants, fake window, two fake walls, this is a fucking TV set. Oak table is pretty nice though.

“Are you ready, Noah?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, cunt.”

He seems slightly taken back but presses on.

“Firstly, thank you for sitting down with me.”

“Ya right.”

“Well, your debut at Anarchy has been surrounded in some intrigue, to say the least.”

“That’s putting it nicely, Steve-o. I was robbed!”

“Would you mind explaining how or why? Anarchy didn’t show any replays so we’re unable to see the proof.”

“I’d be delighted, mate. First, a little history lesson in wrestling. Connor O’Connor the creator of the O’Connor roll was a known liar, cheater, thief and sexual predator. I would never, NEVER, use one of Connor O’Connor’s O’Connor rolls! The only people who would be so low as to use a move like that are as sick and deprived as that murderous leprechaun Connor O’Connor.”

Steve taps his pen on his notepad looking at me.

“I’ve followed wrestling since I can remember and I’ve never heard of a Connor O’Connor.”

“Well you should be out a fucking job, cunt.”

Steve’s face drops a little.

“So that’s the reason you lost?”

“And that she pulled the tights, had a foot on the ropes, whispered if I kicked out she’d kill my dog and that chubby cunt of a ref fast counted me.”

“That’s quite a lot.”

“And it’s all true. Of course, I’m claimed to be the villain here, it’s all so convenient. The poor newcomer from Australia losing to the female superhero. It all falls into Vinnie Lane’s PG dream for the XWF. I’m the fall guy here, Steve! I’m Vinnie’s scapegoat! I’m the hardest worker in the XWF! I was the first to get my promo out for Anarchy.”

“On the first show, yes, but Rogan and Sarah Lacklan have this time.”

“Who the fuck is Rogan? And oh, cunt does fuck all for almost a month, of course, she has time to make a lacklustre promo for Anarchy and get it out first thing. Consider how busy she says her lifestyle is, sure as shit seems like she has nothing to do but sit on twitter and be an annoying cunt the other 4 hours of her day. Me? I’ve finished up my promos for Warfare, I have a match on Savage this Saturday, I was the first ever promo for Anarchy. I have made myself known across all 3 brands, I made enemies, I found a father figure in Fuzz, I built something for myself! Fuck, I’m gonna get nominated for Star of the Month I’ve been so fucking good.”

“How do you know that?”

“Well, I don’t for a fact cunt but I deserve it. Everyone knows I deserve it but it’s so easy to push the loudmouth Aussie aside for cunts like Centurion who has flown under the radar but people like him because he looks good in a suit, the perfect little white American. Cunts like Ned Kaye because of his little indie darling status and cunts like Edward because he’s a freakshow, something for kids to throw peanuts at and for adults to see as a pet.”

“I’m happy you brought up Edward, he’s your next opponent in Anarchy.”

“No shit mate, I didn’t come here to fuck spiders. Of course, I got you on track to the purpose of this shit-show. Edward is the XWF’s Kamala, nothing more, nothing less. A big guy to make everyone feel uncomfortable, not knowing on whether it’s racist or not to parade him around.”

“I’m sorry, in what way is Edward racist?”

I squint at Sayors.

“He’s some kind of mixed race bloke who speaks in broken English and chucks spears.”

“...”

“Now, I know himself isn’t purposely a racist stereotype. He’s Edward, from big island, fair, mate but the way he is portrayed is not sensitive at all and it works against everything Vincent Lane is trying to turn the XWF into. No, he wants to put the women here in a good spotlight, look at Anarchy! Very female-centric, he’s all about jumping on that Stephanie McMahon train but when he comes to race relations he’s as knowledgeable as Vince McMahon.”

“I thought we were going to talk about Edward?”

“We are cunt, stop interrupting. Edward seems like a decent bloke, dumb as a sack of bricks but can cut a better promo than Robert Main, which is going to make things all the more sweeter when I walk into the ring and knock the cunt out like King Hippo from Punch Out. Nobody gets up from the King Hit, Steve-o, not even a lanky cunt with no brain to protect. Ruby got lucky when she ran away cowardly from my attempt or she’d still be in a coma to this day.”

“So when I come out on top tomorrow night in Warfare, unless I get cheated again and when I throw that nobody Deacon out on his ass on Saturday, I’ll give Anarchy a second chance and make everyone realise one golden truth.”

I give the camera some sad puppy-dog eyes.

“I’m not a bad guy. I wish everyone could see that and write to Vinnie Lane telling him this, not to push Noah down but to push Noah to the top where he belongs. I’m the hardest worker in the XWF, I eat well and exercise regularly. I don’t deserve to be cheated my opportunity. Please, everyone, tell Vinnie not to cheat me again. Thank you.”

I let loose a single croc tear like the cheeky cunt I am before sniffling and looking to Steve.

“Well, thank you, Noah. There you have it XWF, Noah Jackson a confident but sensitive soul, maybe we should all listen to what he said and consider, ’Pushing Noah.’”

I give a warm smile and a nod to Steve, the fucking drongo.