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+---- Thread: Motherfuckers Start Rolling (/showthread.php?tid=30035)
Motherfuckers Start Rolling - Prof. Bobby Bourbon - 12-10-2017
We open to see a dark, dank, creepy dungeon. It's barely lit, if only by blacklights, highlighting cob webs that absolutely glow in the dark, phony spiders about the size of NFL footballs with googly eyes, and a throne where a figure in a black cloak sits. The setpiece, thrown together courtesy the closeout sale at a Halloween store, complete with fake tombstones, skeletons, and a poster of the Joker with the title "Comic Villain" printed on it.
Robbie Bourbon, Bearded War Pig, and The Engineer all walk into the chamber of cheap knockoff horrors. The cloaked figure speaks.
Ah, the Motherfuckers. Welcome!
Alright, alright, who's the numbskull who did this to the food service room?
I did! Hahahahahahaha!
Oh you piece of shit...
Robbie cocks his fist back, angered by the gravelly voice of the cloaked figure and his proclaimation that instead of deviled eggs, tuna sandwiches, Chinese food, pizzas, the chicken or the beef, there was a bunch of crappy Halloween decorations. Bearded War Pig grabs his arm as the Engineer grabs Robbie around the waist.
I'm fucking hangry!
The cloaked figure raises a paper plate, topped with what looks like a fine submarine sandwich, split in half, along with some chips and a pickle. Sated by the lunchmeal presented by the cloaked figure, Robbie reaches out gently with the free arm remaining and grabs the plate with the tasty looking sub and fresh, kettle cooked and sea-salted potato chips on it. BWP and Engy let go as Robbie takes a bite.
Good! Eat up, you will need your strength to destroy your opponents at War Games! Your spirits, your souls, your very essences will be tested in the evil and unforgiving structures that awaits, and facing off against those who wish to annihilate you, those who wish to render you obsolete, the most dangerous and reviled team in wrestling, the Apex!
Robbie stops chewing for a moment. He continues, but turns to look at BWP, who looks back at him. He turns to look at Engy, who looks back at him. Robbie finishes his bite of sandwich and hands the plate back to the cloaked figure.
Look, pal, thanks for the sandwich and all, but really?
The Apex are just a bunch of geeks. Check it out. Sure, they've pinned me before. In fact, some could say I was an overpriced whore to those guys. Like when I was Danny Sex, a massively overpriced whore.
Robbie's cell phone makes a noise and he pulls it out of his pocket. BWP and Engy glance at the camera.
Hey, why is your cellphone on! We're trying to shoot this...
Robbie points a finger up in the air at the cloaked figure, shushing him for interrupting his interrupting the promo. Robbie looks up at the camera.
Okay, no more Danny Sex shit.
Who are you talking to?
Oh, my girlfriend. She hacked the XWF MicroNinja Cameras and has a direct feed to them.
Wait, wait, your girlfriend watches EVERY thing you do?
Yeah. It's creepy and controlling, but hey, hottest woman in the XWF and all, I can't complain.
Robbie's phone goes off again.
Wait, she texts you during promos?
Well, yeah. She texts me all the time.
Robbie looks at his phone.
No, I think we pretty well covered how you wouldn't want to see Jim Caedus naked either, micropenis casting no shadow, nor look at Robert Main. I'm not flaunting my cock around saying I was a whore, because I was a whore, but hey, I know where I go when I get thirsty, and it isn't into my right hand while my tag team partner is asleep in the next bed.
Robbie slides his phone into his pocket.
Who does that?
Does what?
Masturbates in the same room as another person?
Well, Jim Caedus did. One night when we were on the road during that seven or so hours he was a member of the Motherfuckers, true to the end of a seven-hour duration, we shared a hotel room. It was odd, he wanted to pillow fight, then he took his pants off and asked really, really sweetly, then he lied down on the bed and immediately fell asleep, snored louder than a bull walrus wailing while getting harpooned by a Canadian redneck, then went silent and immediately started beating his cock right then and there. He finished, rubbed the resulting cumshot into his beard, rolled over, farted, and went to sleep.
I literally had known the man six hours when he shit the bed.
Six.
That's disgusting! What is his evil and twisted problem! Where does he get the right!
Woah, woah, woah, padre, I think you're totally shouting those questions like a caffeinated
who's shit his pants.What?
That's more like it.
Robbie takes the plate with the sub and chips back and steps back. The cloaked figure points a crooked finger at Bearded War Pig.
Who is decked out in woodland camouflage cargo pants. Black t-shirt with a cartoon owl, with the words “Want some Fuk?” in block white bubble letters. A woodland camouflage bandana with “The Motherfuckers” in solid black text and matching camouflage hiking boots. BWP removes a slow roasting ‘Hog’s Leg’ from his face pube covered lips. He looks to his left and then too his right and then points to himself, pretending like the cloaked man couldn’t possibly be aiming his brown hole poker toward him. Pig licks his upper lip takes one more puff before his mouth fires off at the rapid rate.
“Okay cock bag I know you aren’t fucking point’n that old wrinkly ass scratcher my way. If so you might want to think your words carefully because I will break that finger of yours quicker than we’re fittin to break Apex in half at War Games! I’m Bearded Motherfuckin War Pig and I’m sure you want to say something real smart ass dontcha? Well don’t.”
The cloaked man retracts his finger in what very well could be fear. Pig smirks and takes a couple drags on his joint before walking up to the cloaked man and exhaling the smoke into his face. Pig then presses his forehead into the man’s forehead and grunts three times.
“So now why the fuck don’t you explain yourself and the disrespect before I beat some into you!”
The cloaked man gulps, Pig steps back feeling the man’s fear from the shaking ground beneath them caused by jitters. BWP takes another puff before reaching out to the cloaked man with his joint.
“Here this will help relax you a little. I know it isn’t your usual drug of choice, but nose candy isn’t really my thing.”
A shaky hand denies the joint with a shake. Pig shrugs his shoulders and passes the doobie to Engy with a smile before turning back to the cloaked man who can speak again.
Mister War Pig please pardon me, I was not trying to disrespect. I was just going to mention Apex is probably going to be targeting you as the weak link. You are the only member of the Motherfuckers who isn’t blessed with Championship gold. I simply wanted to be reassured you aren’t too involved in the Television Championship to not be focused on the bigger picture, you’re Bearded one.
Pig begins to march toward the robed man who apparently has cocaine problem. Luckily for the coke head BWP stops himself from losing control. Right as Engy and Bourbon looked to be stepping forward in case of needing to intervene. They both stop and look at one another. Then back to Pig and the hooded man. Pig licks his upper lip and turns to his partners.
“Can you believe this guy?”
Engy and Robbie both shake their heads. Pig turns back to the cloaked man.
“Losing my Championship was simply a fluke bub and my partners, the people, and everyone knows it first of all. Secondly, if the Apex want to believe I am the weak link let them, because it will make it much sweeter when I rip their fucking spine threw their throats. Believing any one of us is weak or incapable of bustin ass all over the arena in Tokoyo is a fuckin mistake. I’m prepared for this match, it is exactly what I need after losing OUR Television Championship to some unworthy shit wit.
Plus, Jim Caedus has a serious ass beating coming. Fuckin Rat Bastard, knew the Motherfuckers would be the team to beat at War Games so he pretended to be our brother in arms, only to gain intelligence. Then he took our habits and training techniques that he seen back to his rat pack, I know it. Seriously anyone who claims to be good and uses Hitler as an insult is the real no good piece of shit. Any good man can see through his rodent ways and know that Jim and his rat pack of fuckstains are pure evil to America’s agenda and well I fucking hate turds that are against America and her freedoms! Not to mention he spit on our Brotherhood…
I don’t know about you but that is some fightin words where I come from. It doesn’t sit well with me when someone comes into my life calls themselves a brother only to try and catch me with my pants down. Kind of irritates me as much as a stolen valor fuckface would. So before you come accusing me of possibly not being in the right mindset for this match because of a loss. Why don’t you recognize I was born prepared for War Games, Marines are masters of War Games and oh do I have plenty of games in store for Apex! No not just Jimbo but Robert and this Drew fucker all have tinged in my brain and that means all-out war baby! No casualties, no survivors!”
Good then when the time is right and I come to you for a mission you’ll won’t have any problem demonstrating just how focused you are?
“Maybe I should just fuckin toss your salad right now bitch and show you how prepared I am. If you are so fucking worried maybe you want to take my place and guarantee your own faith? NO? Didn’t fucking think so fucking bitch made motherfucker!”
Pig being the loose cannon that he is almost loses it as he mocks chocking the life from the cloaked man. Before finishing out his thoughts Pig turns back to his partners and walks up to Engy waving for the return of his joint.
“Sorry but I am going to need that back. I’m about to snap this motherfuckers neck and won’t even care. You can deal with his sorry ass.”
Pig takes the joint back from Engy and walks off to isolation to chief in peace for a little. Once BWP is safely out of earshot, the cloaked figure speaks again.
That guy's got issues.
Hey, you spend the better part of your prime years getting shot at by heathen hordes and tell me how you turn out, friendo. He's alright....he's alright. Just a little high strung.
But you on the other hand, Mr. Shadowy and Mysterious. What's YOUR story?
Hmmmm....call me an interested observer. A VERY interested observer. I think you all represent some of the best facets of America.
Engy looks genuinely perplexed.
Seriously? You saw the time I dunked a dude's wife's face in shit, right?
I did indeed. Please, let me explain. Your opponents, Mr. Caedus in particular, have tried to paint you all as diabolical evildoers. But reality is much less black and white than that, much less simplistic than people like Mr. Caedus would like to believe. For example, he took you to task for the actions you describe, but would you have humiliated Mr. Pryce's wife in such a fashion if he and his men hadn't attacked and humiliated your first? Theo's wrongdoing didn't seem to factor into Mr. Caedus' appraisal at all.
Mysterious cloaked guy, I like the cut of your jib. You seem like a reasonable sort. And you're right! I never woulda laid a hand on the bitch if The Kings hadn't targeted me just for being successful. And honestly, do you think they would have stopped if I had just ambushed one of 'em in the hallway or something? Hell no, that's status quo around here! Naw, to protect myself I really had to make them afraid. Really dig down deep into the nooks and crannies of their psyche's and make it crystal fucking clear that when you wrong me, there ain't nothin' I wont do. And ya know what? It worked. The Kings are GONE, John Samuels turned tail after I humiliated him, Theo ghosted, and Doc dropped the tag belts like a hot potato. The Kings were a pox on the XWF, and by giving them one final nudge out the door, well the way I see it I cured wrestling CANCER.
You're a man who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty if it means achieving a higher purpose, Mr. Bright. It'll serve you well in the Senate.
Thanks guy, but Engy will do.
Doing the "unconventional" for the greater good seems to be something each and every single one of you excel at. And, it's a philosophy after my own heart. I feel for you guys. Being hated by men of lesser vision, men who will call you a monster, call you corrupt because you're playing chess in four dimensions when they can only see two. Men like us are the backbone of this great nation, doing the unpalatable in the short term to shore up the greater good in the long term. And that is something Apex will NEVER understand.
Engy shoots a sidelong glance at the mystery man.
Much as I appreciate you cutting this promo for us, what's your angle? Talkin' like you know what it's like making the tough choices. Out with it. Who the hell are ya?
Robbie, having finished his sandwich and being very interested in the outcome of this particular query, rejoins the fold. BWP, his roach thoroughly smoked but still looking a bit antsy, decides to humor him as well.
I suppose you've been patient with me long enough, and you deserve to know to whom you speak.
The stranger reaches back and grasps the edge of his hood. All of the Motherfuckers stand riveted. Suddenly, Robbie throws a hand out.
And that's when we CUT TO COMMERCIAL! Tune in next time for more....
The hooded figure cocks his head.
Nah, I'm just fuckin' with ya. Take the hood off.
The hooded figure shrugs, and then resumes revealing his identity to be....
GEORGE W. BUSH!
Robbie starts jumping around screaming "WORLDSTAR!" at the top of his lungs as former president Bush removes the rest of his robe, revealing a slick burgundy velvet track suit.