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+---- Thread: Pulling a Marshawn Lynch (/showthread.php?tid=28346)
Pulling a Marshawn Lynch - James Raven - 06-30-2017
We open up in the media room of Universal Studios in Hollywood, California. At the stage we see a wooden podium with two microphones, and an XWF backdrop hanging on the wall. Several reporters are gathered in front, some with cameras and microphones, some with audio recorders, and some with pads of paper like the savages they are.
Suddenly the media room door opens, and James Raven enters along with former XWF Owner and Universal Champion Big Shank. They approach the podium, standing somberly behind the two microphones and staring out at the small press corps who've fallen silent.
BIG SHANK: My associate is willing to open the floor to questions. All topics are on the table. Caedus and Chaos, The Kings, King of the Ring... whatever you guys want. He's sorry he hasn't been more available to you since returning to the XWF, and he hopes to make more regular appearances moving forward.
REPORTER 1: Why isn't James telling us this himself? Why are you here, Dustin?
BIG SHANK: OK, for starters, Dustin is my slave name. Fine, ask him something yourself.
REPORTER 1: James, what are your thoughts on Jim Caedus' first promo? He had some scathing comments for you.
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
The room falls silent. Confusion lingers in the air.
REPORTER 1: I'm sorry Mr. Raven, can you elaborate on that?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
The reporter shrugs his shoulders, and turns to Dustin "Big Shank" Tyler for clarification.
BIG SHANK: Oh, NOW you want to hear what I have to say, huh? Sit down, bitch. No more questions for you. Seriously, someone take his microphone away, I don't want him trying to slip one in there.
A barrel-chested security guard makes his way across the room and snatches the microphone away from the startled reporter, and Shank snorts in satisfaction.
BIG SHANK: Anyways, I'm here as Ravens interpreter. He wasn't in the mood to put in any real work on a promo, since Caedus fucked the fun out of it for everyone, so he brought me in and gave me free reign to speak for him.
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: See? It's a beautiful arrangement. We'll open the floor to questions from anyone other than that dip shit over there. Yeah, I'm talking about you. Sit down.
REPORTER 2: Some people say Jim Caedus' promo was great. Despite the controversy, what did you think of it?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: Who are these people? Who said that promo was great? I haven't met them, neither has James. I haven't seen the feedback online, I haven't heard the water cooler talk. It was the same shit it always is, the ramblings of a slightly racist, clearly homophobic hillbilly that would rather shock you than impress you by putting any real work or research into anything. That promo was hot trash. He's butt hurt about losing to Doc, and he can stretch out his words dramatically. Big fucking deal. James Raven can cut a better promo in his sleep. James Raven can cut a better promo only saying one sentence. Hit 'em with it baby.
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: There it is. Boom. Next question.
REPORTER 3: Is it true that you didn't actually watch Chris Chaos' second promo?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: Homie, he didn't watch Chris Chaos' FIRST promo! Did you? Did anyone? It's like slamming a flat blade shovel into your own face, for Christ's sake! It's like watching a Terrence Malick film; part of it is vaguely intriguing, even though you have no clue what's going on in any capacity. Besides, all he did was quote James and Doc back to themselves since he can barely structure a sentence on his own. I checked out one of his clips from a few years ago, I'm sure it's exactly the same.
REPORTER 2: Well, if you think those guys promos are insignificant and won't matter in the long run, and if you think you and Doc easily outclass them in the ring... why are we here? Why even waste our time, and your time, recording a third promo?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: Xbux, bitch. The XWF pays you for getting your promos out. He was contractually obligated to do three, he's doing three.
REPORTER 3: Even if it's not good? Even if you're wasting everyone's time?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: Fuck you. That's what that means. Next question.
REPORTER 4: Let's move past Savage, and let's assume you beat Barney Green at Warfare... what's next for you? Are you cashing in your title shot against Caedus? Are you entering King of the Ring?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: He's doing whatever the shit he wants to do. 100 career wins, he's going to get there. Another Universal title reign, that's his too. Outside of that, there's not a whole lot more you guys have to offer him... he's a god damned legend. What does another random tournament mean to him? He'll win what he wants, beat who he wants, and decides he's finished here you'll all breathe easy and have a fair shot again. Did I forget anything?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: He says we're good.
REPORTER 5: Hypothetically, you can team with any XWF superstar in a tag title tournament. Who do you choose?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: Thaddeus Duke. Theo Pryce. Your mom.
Big Shank looks down at his wristwatch.
BIG SHANK: Well, that's it boys and girls. Almost at the deadline to get this bad boy in to the XWF. We wouldn't want to pull a Caedus and have all this hard work be for nothing, would we?
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.
BIG SHANK: Good contribution. In summary James Raven is better than everyone. Doc is pretty good too. Chris Chaos is a whiny bitch, and Jim Caedus... just fuck Jim Caedus, OK? We'll leave it at that. Peace queers. Fear Big Shank... forevermore.
RAVEN: I'm just here so that I max out.