Placing the pieces where they are too stupid to know they belong - Printable Version
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Placing the pieces where they are too stupid to know they belong (/showthread.php?tid=2755)
Placing the pieces where they are too stupid to know they belong - Mister Mystery 17 31707 1 - 05-13-2013
It was a dark and stormy night. The rain was coming down hard in thick, round droplets that hit the mud with a distinct thud. Every single raindrop represents a loss that Steve Davids will experience during his wrestling career so you can see it's raining really heavy right now.
:MM 17 31707 1:
Will it ever end?
There stands Mister Mystery 17 31707 1, throwing his fists high into the air and letting out a cry to the heavens.
:MM 17 31707 1:
Why must he be so stubborn?
Mystery drops down to his knees, surrounded by trees on all sides and not another person in sight.
:MM 17 31707 1:
Why can't he just let me handle this?
Mystery punches himself in the face of his hockey mask and drops forward; his hands sinking into the thick mud and sliding around as he barely holds himself up on all fours.
:MM 17 31707 1:
The whole reason I came back was so this wouldn't have to happen and now-
He balls his fists up and raises them high as a clap of thunder and lightning strikes. He brings his fists down with incredible force and mud goes flying out in all directions.
:MM 17 31707 1:
Why, Sid? Whyyy?
Sid is nowhere to be found as Mister Mystery yells his name. The heavy rain and frequent thunder drown out his voice for the most part as he places his mud caked hands over his mask and just screams into them.
After a few seconds the silhouette of a man can be seen walking up behind Mister Mystery. He places a hand on Mister Mystery's shoulder and Mystery brings his head up to see who it is.
:3 x Better:
You had to know this was going to happen. You had to know I couldn't stay on the sidelines forever. Don't worry; it'll all work out. There's still some time before I'm going to be cleared..
Life goes on>>>
I stand here your reigning XWF Tag Team Champion and XWF Trio Tag Champion.
I stand here with briefcase in hand; 24/7 implications.
I stand here with these hands held out and asking -- "What's next?"
The Senator, Mr. Satellite and Steve Davids are next. Tonight we all fall victim to a little game Paul Heyman wants to play; letting the fans of the XWF make his decisions. That leaves me in a predicament where the fans are the ones choosing who my partner is this week on Madness and from early reports it sounds like they want to pair me up with the reigning European Champion, The Senator. What that means for me is quite simple -- I'll have the home field advantage on my side during the tag team bout because John Samuels is the only name in this entire match who is a Madness contracted wrestler. The entire XWF belongs to me and everyone knows it, so any show I go on is like home to me so that leaves The Senator and myself with an incredibly lopsided advantage in this match.
I mean come on, guys, why even bother showing up on Madness to take this onslaught? That's right I'm talking to you Mr. Satellite and Steve Davids. Let's talk about the both of you for a second-
Mr. Satellite -- My own former "stable mate" if you can even call him that. We were both in Donathan De Sade's stable -- what was its name again? -- but I got out as soon as I realized what Donathan was doing. He was merely using me as his own personal bulldozer to pave the way for his own visions and that's just not something I'm going to allow. Now if only Mr. Satellite would have had the smarts of Mister Mystery, he might have gotten out of Donathan's fucked up world a lot sooner. Maybe he could have cut himself loose from the circus instead of having Donathan sneak under the covers with him at night to try and secretly beat him off. Mr. Satellite likes to distance himself from reality as often as possible but even he had to feel Donathan's hand on his penis some of those nights. When it comes to Mr. Satellite, Donathan and Liz Weinberg I'm almost afraid to even try and guess what kind of fucked up shit they do when the cameras aren't rolling.
Next we have Steve Davids.
Oh wait that's right -- I've already beaten him.
No?
I haven't?
Check the record books again -- Gauntlet City: XWF Trio Championships on the line -- Steve Davids was in the match; I won the match. Enough, fucking, said.
Or is it? Is that really enough when it comes to this guy who looks like he should be the one wearing the hockey mask? How sad is it that a man's look -- this long after his arrival -- still is the most memorable thing about him? I mean if you ask me one single, solitary question about Steve Davids I'm probably not going to know the answer-
-unless you're asking me who in the XWF has the easiest hair to grab hold of and rip out, then I know the answer is Steve Davids. Couldn't tell you one name he's beaten though and I know for a fact I'll never be one of them.
-or unless you're asking me what my record against Steve Davids will be after tonight, then I know the answer -- it'll be 2 and 0. What's that even matter though? I'm already 2 and 0 against other people here so why the fuck would Davids matter if he joins that list? Just another thing he'll be doing that won't make a damn difference or stand out to anybody.
Here's my suggestion to you, Steve Davids -- Come into this match knowing that you've already lost, but try your best to make an impact. Try to leave people with a memorable impression of you...for once...and make the most of this night even though you know it's going to be another blemish on your shitty, rookie record. Come in strong and when you've got all eyes on you (if that can even happen) then that's when you make your big move! You turn on Mr. Satellite and cost him the match, allowing The Senator or myself to pin Mr. Satellite's gimp ass right in the middle of the ring. The fans will boo the living fuck out of you -- but they'll remember you after tonight for that act of defiance. They'll start buying your shirt if you do this, Steve. You'll finally start making the big bucks if you'll just follow my simple advice.
Or you can come in, try to win, get squashed like a roach. Your choice.
You're the only person in this match with nothing to show for yourself. You come from the weakest brand -- Warfare -- and you come with nothing around your waist. Here I am carrying a briefcase that you could never hope to win, plus I've got two fucking championships and both of them are in team divisions meaning I am at my strongest when I'm in a team environment. I thrive off of that hot tag -- I live for the moment of storming that ring and clearing the fucker like a tornado. I don't even have to like my own partner and I can tell you I'm going to murder you in this tag team competition tonight, Steve Davids. This is my specialty and I've proven time and time again that I can carry anyone to a tag victory.
Get this -- I could have been teamed with you Steve Davids, and I'd still be able to guarantee victory in the tag match. That's how fucking good I am when it comes to this team environment. Do you even have any clue how fucked you are right now? You have nothing, you are nothing, and you'll continue to be nothing after I humble you like a common, lowly wench. How dare a fool of your low stature enter a match of champions and expect to stand a chance at victory. How dare you even think of yourself as a man. If this was a porno shoot with four men ganging up on a woman, you'd be the guy with no dick. You'd be staring at Mr. Satellite and The Senator's packages wishing you had one and then you'd see me walk onto the set; not only with two dicks but the largest set of balls you've ever seen.
And we all know you've seen a lot of them but that's not even the point here.
So to paint the picture more clearly, here's what we've got for tonight's porno-
The Senator = One decently sized and shaped European penis.
Mr. Satellite = One unimpressive and wrinkled, withered, smelly, North Korean penis.
Mister Mystery = Two big ass penises and the largest set of balls you ever did see.
Steve Davids = Least experience, no penis, questionable sexuality to begin with.
Well I guess I'd say I'm worried about bending over in front of Steve Davids during this shoot but then again, he's got nothing whatsoever to show for himself. How's it feel to want to fuck another man in his ass and not even have a dick, Steve? That's basically what you're coming in this match and trying to do tonight. Was there truly nobody else that could have been put in your place? Why are we stuck with you of all people, Steve? What the fuck, Steve? Why couldn't Luca have entered this match so another person with some credibility was on board? Why couldn't Sebastian Duke have entered so I could defeat him yet again and claim what I'm guessing is my third or fourth victory over him; I've lost fucking track, that guy is so fucking easy to beat. Fuck, Steve, why? Why is it you? I'll be able to brag about putting Satellite down and then when I move on to the singles portion and devour The Senator I can brag about beating the European Champion -- but you, Steve? You? What can I even say about beating you again? Fuck, I'd rather not even take the win to be honest with you. I almost feel like it would be better to have a blank spot on the record books instead of another win over Steve Davids!
I hope that makes you mad.
I hope that makes your loss sting even more; knowing how low I see you -- watching me raise my boot up high while there's nothing you can do -- feeling that final squish as I rid you from this plane of existence.
Mr. Satellite and Steve Davids might pose no threat to me tonight but that doesn't mean my work is done. That only means that as Davids and Satellite are being carted away, I will have a chance to correct a little mistake that happened back at Gauntlet City.
Gauntlet Fucking City -- The night I ran through eleven of the XWF's best in the gauntlet main event.
Gauntlet Fucking City -- The night I defeated twelve of the XWF's best in the Trio Championship match, right before the main event.
And then we have The Senator -- the guy who got lucky enough to trip into the ring after my 23 consecutive wins that night finally caught up to me and got me winded. The guy got lucky and hit a cheap shot and pinned somebody who just annihilated an army.
Nice job, John. Let's see you try and pull that same tactic again tonight. Let's see you try and hit the Filibuster or any of your other moves on me when I haven't been slaughtering my way through countless challengers. You and I both know there's no way in hell Steve Davids and Mr. Satellite are going to weaken me the same way 23 wins in a row would weaken me in the same night. You and I both know that this has been a long time coming, Samuels. We've had our run-ins over the 24/7 title but that's small-time shit and everyone knows it. Now it's time for the official correcting of the record and for me to officially defeat one of the XWF's top champions-
Mr. Satellite himself.
Right before I defeat you, John Samuels.
How's it feel to be the lowest ranking champion in this entire match? Wait, what's that I hear you saying back to me?
Quote:The European title is what signifies that I’m the greatest champion amongst the three shows. As far as I’m concerned, it’s second only to the crown that John Madison holds.
Oh really, Samuels? So not only are you delusional in thinking you've experienced what it's like to take me down but you're also stupid enough to think that the European Championship -- Madness' exclusive title -- is somehow the top belt in the entire company? It's second only to the crown? I hate to break the news to you but I'm pretty sure there's only one title that the European Championship is better than -- the 24/7 UFO E1999 title. I'll go on record as agreeing that you're better than the UFO champion, Samuels, but you're pretty far off the mark if you're thinking you can measure up to either of my titles.
Disagree? Find somebody who would team with you and challenge me for the Tag Championships. Find somebody else to join too and challenge me for the Trio Championships. Then, once you've lost both contests and felt what it's like to be humbled, you can be glad that neither match was for your title. You'll be able to run back to Madness, clutching the European Championship in your arms and claiming to at least be the best champion on Madness.
I'll give you that much -- you're the best champ on Madness. Ha ha ha Beyond that though, you're fucked.
Well, at least you're not as fucked as Steve Davids -- Mr. Forgettable himself.
Remember how I said I already beat Steve Davids once and my record against him after tonight will be 2 and 0? Well, I fucked up.
I fucked up big time. Mr. Forgettable strikes again.
I actually somehow forgot that I also defeated him in the gauntlet itself after my Trio Championship victory over him. Go figure -- it would be like fucking a bitch twice but only thinking you fucked her once. Must have been pretty damn forgettable.
So please accept my sincerest apologies and condolences, Steve Davids -- I wouldn't want you firing back at me with that snapping turtle beak of yours and trying to correct me. Though it would be strangely comforting to watch him try and make a point in his favor while also revealing that he's lost more to me than I can even remember.
So here's the official correction-
My current record against Steve Davids = 2 and 0
After tonight, my record against him = 3 and 0
That's a good streak you've got building there, Davids. Just think where those numbers could be at in six months from now if you keep getting thrown into matches against me. Double digits in my favor perhaps?
You know who probably feels the worst right now out of everybody involved in this match? The guy I talked the least about -- Mr. Fucking Shitellite. He's sitting there realizing that everything I just said today is completely true and he's realizing just how fucked he is because he just remembered the one thing he was praying to forget -- that he's teamed with Steve Davids.
Joke's on you, Mr. Satellite.
Joke's on you. Just like they told you the very day you were born. *sigh*