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+---- Thread: Fuck You Pay Me (/showthread.php?tid=22812)
Fuck You Pay Me - Prof. Bobby Bourbon - 02-19-2016
It seems not only was Robbie correct in his prognostication of Maverick being the secret partner of Team Lunanmav Girl, or something, like the business genius he is, but again, they stepped back into their normal personal roles with little regard for the business at hand.
FUCK YOU PAY ME
We see Robbie sitting at his desk again.
Well, it seems some of my colleagues haven't quite taken notice to the nature of the transactions going forward into Shove-It. Maybe I should reiterate a little further.
Austin Fernando. For starters, from a business standpoint, you might want to let up on the throttle. We see you every week, your imperium this, your supremacy that, we never stood chances, and you can't even pronounce your own name in one sentence anymore. How many concussions have you suffered, Austin? I reckon you don't remember the bell time of our last match because your bell got rung way before the official time keeper's did. You're a smart guy, sure, but brain damaged. Anyhow, that doesn't matter. You know what I see when I look at you? A return on investment. Think about it, stud, all that Robbieball stuff, all those fluff pins, and those were fluff pins, Austin, roll-ups, wasn't like I hit you with a car or anything. How much of that $85,780.50 Xbux that you're liable for at Shove-It came from that? How much did you earn in your wonderful tag-team title match survival, I mean you got $4,550 Xbux alone for promotional videos if I'm not mistaken. I don't see this as some petty thing, just a continuation of our past business, Austin, stop fooling yourself. This is when it's time to cash the check. One thing you said did stick out to me, though, oh 'superior' one.
Austin Fernando Said:Not the protective shell that a certain Robbie Bourbon places over himself, hiding from the big baddies that torment him each and every day, the demons that lay the smack down on his ass without fail every time they meet.
What, like a fucking condom?
If I didn't have one of those on, the big baddies of syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and even HIV/AIDS could torment me each and every day laying some seriously demonic smack down, stud? You're giving a safe sex speech to me?
I don't need to get a taste of strange, I get the good regular, right Vinnie?
"Nope, I still get strange."
Okay, well, still. Austin, I know all that money coming my way is less you can pay your friends from Backpage and Craigslist who have those big 'baddies' you need your protection with, because you pay for strange.
"I don't pay for strange."
That's neither here nor there, this is business. $85,780.50 Xbux, and that's also going to mean your title is going somewhere else. That's the math, them's the brakes, solid promo work this week though, get a CAT scan.
Okay, next guy up is Maverick.
He's shit. Seriously, you are fucking worthless, even from a business sense. $495 Xbux? That's it? Rebel Star has more than you and she's been here a fraction of the time you have, what have you been spending on? Have you ever considered taking a personal finance class, sir? On top of that, the last time we saw you around here you were eating your own fecal matter out of a diaper and drinking Peter Gilmour's urine. Jesus fucking Christ, stud, you've had too many concussions, too. Your first move in the match was the old 'lie on the ground and roll around a bit' routine, I guess hoping Gilmour would attempt a flying elbow and miss?
You're shit, Maverick. Still, $495 Xbux, stud.
Then there's Luca Arzegotti.
He's been calling me a homophobe for how long now? Here's another future dementia patient...
"I am demented!"
...That's my Dope. Anyway, this guy's facing a bevvy of challenges later in life with his obvious amount of concussions he's had. He probably looks at a urinal and calls it a homophobe for making you piss straight into it. I mean, do you earnestly believe that after coming back in time with all of us to play Woodstock? Dude, that was awesome. Either way, that's not what the matter at hand is, and I won't press the issue of his sexual harassment in the name of good business. $27,582.50 Xbux, Luca. Goofing aside, I'm not poking fun at your strictly platonic friendship and bond with Austin by saying if you both walk single file, you're a pride parade, or saying you keep your asshairs parted, or go around asking each other if they look good in each other's clothes. This is business, and all you're worth is $27,582.50 Xbux.
Lastly, the thing. Do you even value currency? I said it before, I'll say it again, I really don't like the thought of beating the hell out of a little girl, but you're no girl. You are distinctly human, though. Don't get me wrong, you have a lot of adorable, inhuman, freakish traits about you that make you special, and great for business. The spunk with how you interact with Game Boy, the super loud chiptune that plays at the beginning of each of your promos that you can't really seem to shut up when you want it to and it's guaranteed to wake up a sleeping toddler, the ability to turn off your 'mercy' switch, power up your smack talk, ooh, let me guess, you're going to power it up to above 100%, aren't you? That's going to be absolutely terrific, the kids at home will love it. The thing is, as much of a spectacle as that is, you're still human at heart. For starters, you're capable of learning, and you seem to learn just like a human does. From experience. We've all seen you learn, Game Girl, and now it's time to pay tuition.
I taught you more than anyone or anything else in this existence, and the final lesson is just around the bend. You are human because you are the product of a sad, pathetic, lonely human, the fantasy he wished he could have. You weren't born, you weren't reared, you were placed into existence by this human for his pleasure. Now, I'm no fan of enslavement, and I actually love to see you around here, but let's not forget the most important thing I taught you that this sad, pathetic human forgot to put in there.
Fear.
I taught the Game Girl to fear something. Not every battle would be diving headlong into the skirmish anymore. Nope. I taught you to fear what I was, what I could do, all because I don't fear you. You adapted, you changed, you learned. You developed the idea to capitalize on blatant and childish distractions, like the lights flickering, because of me. You learned to intimidate, and persist others, like Christopher Isles, because of me. Only thing is, I've beaten Christopher Isles. Hell, you fear me so much, that even on your XWF roster page it lists me as your next target to this day. I scare you so much you can't even say my name, like I'm Voldemort or some shit. That is the nature of the business we have had. $6813 Xbux, payment not acceptable in bitcoin.
The people are behind me, too. More than you'd know...
Robbie is interrupted by a knock at the door. He stands and opens it to Christopher Isles. He walks inside as Robbie shakes his hand.
Hey dude.
Christopher Isles: 'Sup.
"Isles? He's coming with us?"
Yeah, also...
Through the door walk Austin Fernando and Maverick. Everybody's eyes just about bulge out of their sockets, except for Robbie.
Gentlemen! Welcome, so glad you could make it! Please, please, everyone, we're off the clock, non-business hours.
"Ah, finally, it is nice to visit your dojo, Bourbon."
Austin Fernando and Vinnie Lane glance at each other before looking away.
Phew, okay, a little awkward, here, a little awkward. Heh, could it be any more awkward?
With that, Dim the Professor of Insanety walks into the office.
"
."As everybody stops and gawks at the fact Dim is hanging out at the Bourbon Dojo, Dim walks straight up to Robbie, grabs his crotch, and kisses him. He pulls his head back as Robbie wretches, and looks at the camera. He removes his hand from Robbie's crotch. He then puts his hand back on Robbie's crotch and looks at Robbie, dead in the eyes. He then removes his hand.
"I was double checkin' to see if you were some queer
that wanted to have sex with men."Robbie turns back to his desk and grabs a bottle of Listerine.
"Why is he even here? Won't he fuck up the past? Why do I feel like Steve Sayors when I hang around here?"
Robbie shrugs and pours some mouthwash into his mouth. Dim snags the bottle and starts to down the Listerine. As the bottle empties, Robbie spits his mouthwash out into the pot of a plant in his office.
Look, man, it's for the people...
"That guy doesn't represent the people!"
"
."Look, hey, alright, fine, fine, let's get into the time machine. Pest, Kyril, c'mon.
Pest and Morbid Angel walk in.
Christopher Isles: The fucking Black Hand?
Well, yeah, I'm in the Black Hand. Don't worry, you guys can all fall under the Bourbon Men umbrella.
"What does that mean?"
You're unpaid volunteers.
"What about the Dope Show?"
You're an unpaid volunteer.
"That wasn't me!"
You're an unpaid volunteer.
Blue walks in.
Jesus, Robbie, again? Everybody's just coming over to play with your cool new toy.
I know, sweet, huh?
Robbie leads everybody to his garage, where they enter the time machine. Robbie hits a few buttons, and the machine vanishes into time.
1716 AD, somewhere in the Caribbean
We see the deck of a Pirate ship as pirate sailors work away. They seem to be giving chase to a large ship in the distance. Suddenly, the time machine punches into existence right on the deck. The captain draws his pistol and points it at the box.
What the hell is that?
The pirates kind of shrug as Robbie steps out of the box. The captain fires at him, and the bullet falls to the ground after hitting his chest. He looks up at the captain.
Woah, easy, fella, what ship is this?
This be the Red Corsair!
Huh, so you're...
Captain William Jibes.
The XWF superstars pour out of the time machine aboard the deck.
What manner of deviltry is this?
Oh, hi, I'm Robbie. We're, uh...
Morbid Angel and Dim push to pirates out of the way and start doing some work with some ropes.
"Far the fuck out."
Vinnie starts climbing to the bird's nest and tosses the pirate up there down to the deck, where Maverick is swabbing with a mop. Austin Fernando has stationed himself at a cannon, ready to fire. LeStrange picks up a squeezebox and starts to play a dirge. Pest has stabbed the helmsman in the eyes with what looks like a pen and has taken over his duties.
Shit, we're a demonic mutiny. There's no Captain Jibes on wikipedia, no paradox.
The captain's eyes go wide as he draws his sword. Before getting it unsheathed, Robbie has charged him and delivered a Neckwrecker! A huge brawl erupts as Dim, Morbid Angel, Christopher Isles, Pest, Vinnie Lane, Rebel Star, LeStrange, Maverick, Austin Fernando, and Robbie all start attacking the pirates! Within seconds, the ship is theirs! Robbie puts on the captain's hat.
Maverick, don't even think about doing it, I don't care if it's called the 'poop deck'. Now let's get us some loot. Avast.
![[Image: Oest3uf.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/Oest3uf.jpg)