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Original Content Feedback... - C Y R E N - 04-15-2013
Hey all,
I'm a poet by nature and one of my more popular poems, I've not been happy with.
I like my general idea, the symbolism behind it and what have you, but does anyone have any thoughts on what might make it better?
It's done in a very tongue-in-cheek manner, drawing upon Tim Burton's poetry as an inspiration.
Tell me whatya think? What can I change 'cuz it just doesn't FEEL right. It's an older poem that I had high hopes for and feel can still be salvaged.
We've got your heart's desire
is it ginger's loins that light your fire?
if not, have no doubt that Candy's combo
is the right price
but only if you're nice.
Half-cost blondes with value-size thighs
that trail from the hem of an ultra-big lie
where a cold heart beats at a 2-for-1 discount
every Friday in July.
We toss them out daily,
the ones that taste bitter, the ones that do sour
the lips of our clientele
those looking for a soul for sale
oh, we've got a discount for Sailors
and ads in all the right mailers
trumped up with bright colors
in dark bathroom stalls.
"Hello, welcome..." to - insert
static nameless cause
and stand for a moment
rebel, breathe - just pause
because lipstick stains
bring horrible pains
indiscriminant to man
in race, state or name
We're an always-open, eager to serve
stampede of heroic flavors
we quell a unique appetite.
always flourish in the night
and once we're entered your system
you'll never turn from this plight.
this chaotic maze
of lust in the membrane
that seizes up and directs you
towards another slab of shit
and shame.
Would you like another?
May I take your order?
is it ginger's loins that light your fire?
if not, have no doubt that Candy's combo
is the right price
but only if you're nice.
Half-cost blondes with value-size thighs
that trail from the hem of an ultra-big lie
where a cold heart beats at a 2-for-1 discount
every Friday in July.
We toss them out daily,
the ones that taste bitter, the ones that do sour
the lips of our clientele
those looking for a soul for sale
oh, we've got a discount for Sailors
and ads in all the right mailers
trumped up with bright colors
in dark bathroom stalls.
"Hello, welcome..." to - insert
static nameless cause
and stand for a moment
rebel, breathe - just pause
because lipstick stains
bring horrible pains
indiscriminant to man
in race, state or name
We're an always-open, eager to serve
stampede of heroic flavors
we quell a unique appetite.
always flourish in the night
and once we're entered your system
you'll never turn from this plight.
this chaotic maze
of lust in the membrane
that seizes up and directs you
towards another slab of shit
and shame.
Would you like another?
May I take your order?
This piece is called, 'Hello, Bordello.' I've thought of planning a sort of thematic sequel to it but I wanna get this one right, first.