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+--- Thread: He's The Shit(Rp 1) (/showthread.php?tid=19925)
He's The Shit(Rp 1) - Rellik - 05-08-2015
He he. Good evening, XWFers. Your friendly neighbourhood clown here to make you laugh and smile.
Really, Rellik? You think it's funny when you kill people. Are you sure you're here to make them laugh and smile?
Oh shut up. You're no fun. Of course I'm here to make these good people laugh and smile! Didn't you see those two hot young lovers? I admit, poor Missus Jennings kind of sucked but eh...you get a few duds in your career.
You do know that law enforcement will be looking for you. The voice reminded him.
He sneered. And your point is? Who preytell will they look for? College student Michael Collins? Homeless man Jimmy Smith? So many names, but no clues as to the real whereabouts of this hilarious killer. Relax! It's all in good fun after all.
What would your mother say?
Fuck my mother! Everyone else did... he snickered, brown eyes wide. "You see, Morty, I believe in one thing in this world. One thing that can make it ALOT more fun. Chaos! Insanity! Each murder is just more material for my act!
He looks at us here out in TV land.
Don't you guys agree?
Their families don't agree. That newlywed's mother killed herself after she found out and so did her husband.
Oh? Talk about a three for one deal! Now if daddums were to off himself...hehehe...then it'd be a grand slam! Right cameraman?!
I'm not a man, Rellik...I'm a woman. And no, that's horrible! You are a sick man!
Rellik bounded up to the camera, panicked look in his eyes.
How am I sick? Oh my! Heavens ta mercatroy, am I gonna diiiiiie?
Hopefully. I don't know why you were signed to the XWF in the first place.
I signed a contract? I thought I was just there because Oaktree needed a laugh!
Yes, moron. You signed a contract, remember? You thought he was just wanting you to sign the bill for breakfast, which I don't understand why you'd think that. You don't have a dime to your name!
Rellik moves over to a table and goes about his business, becoming distracted. He emptied a whole jar of Kool Aid into a large tub of water, followed by two bags of sugar. Looking over at the camera from over his shoulder, he does something unseen by the camera.
Ummm...Rellik...what are you doing?
Nothing Catherine. Mind your own business.
You sir, are a terrible employer.
Imagine living in his head. Ugh!
You know she can't hear you?
Who can't hear me?
Not you, bro. I was talking to someone else!
I'm a woman, damn it!
Rellik seemingly ignores her and goes about his business, stirring the tub of purple liquid. It was obvious what was in the tub, and as he finished mixing the grape Kool Aid, he poured ice into it. Catherine set the camera on a chair and walked up to him. She was petite, with short blonde hair and no tits to speak of. If we looked around, we saw that this was the catering area of the XWF arena.
[color=#FF69B4Seriously, what are you doing?[/color]
Nunya bidness, bro. I'm makin' some special Kool Aid!
Now you know you can't play any deadly jokes, right Rellik? This is a Madness show.
The man from an unknown location rolled his eyes.
Would you relax? I'm not killin' anybody, though this joke is still gonna be a killer! Just watch, it's gonna be HIGH-larious!
That's all well and good, but weren't you supposed to give us a few words on your opponents for Madfare?
Rellik tilted his head at the camera.
Wait, what? he said, confused.Ohhhh. You mean the number one contenders match for the Xtreme Title? I had almost forgotten what with mixing this shitty Kool Aid.
You would.
Fuck you, Alan Rickman!
The voice in his head sounded exactly like Alan Rickman. Yes. The Alan Rickman. Severus Snape.
I'M NOT ALAN RICKMAN! I'M NOT EVEN MALE, GODDAMMIT!
A flash of a switchblade later, and our poor camera woman covered in a chair.
Don't yell at me, bitch. I'll put a smile on your face right in front of my guests.
"What guests?" She thought as the piss ran down her leg, but as he spun around she felt relief. At least his attention was off of her. She watched him as he picked up the camera from a nearby chair.
Our view is a close up of the killer clown's face.
I can't kill anyone, right? This is the PG era of the XWF, is it not? I suppose it is...he he...make no mistake about it, boys and girls. This clown likes to take lives. However...haha...a number one contendership shall have to do, as I just got here and I'm lookin' to make a name for mahself! Whoopie!
Four different toys to play with! Toys are fun!
His insane smile faded into a look of pure seriousness.
What does it mean to me to be fighting for an opportunity at the prestigious Xtreme Championship? It means a lot...heh...oh yes,: to a lot of people it is a lower tier championship but to me...to me, it's more valuable to me right now than any championship?
"But why, Rellik?"
"Don't you want to go straight to the top?"
Pft. Going straight to the top would be nice, but this championship is different, now isn't it? This championship is [u]always[ /u] contested in the most extreme setting. Hence the very name of the championship. Oh just picture is...total chaos in the ring every time this killer clown makes his presence known! It'll be grand! It'll be unpredictable! It'll be exciting!
You're not the only one competing, Mister Rellik.
No shit. I've got some stiff competition going into the match.
Are you going to make erection jokes?
No. I am not going to make erection jokes, goddammit! Shut the fuck up Alan Rickman!
He smacks himself in the head. Note that we cannot hear the voice heard by the killer clown. No, he's not from outer space. But he's single, ladies.
First there's Pest, whom I've had the pleasure of watching. Picture this folks, a man who beats his woman and rapes young girls. A former Universal champion who sends men running home crying like little bitches! He giggles and then that smile disappears.But not me, oh no...heh heh...because an entity like myself would actually be more apt to join him in his escapades. Cruisin' the school grounds and lookin' for kittens.
I don't think they're that young, you sick twisted man. Show a little restraint!
That's what the duct tape is for, Rickman! Speaking of which, why do you wrap a baby in duct tape?
....why?
So the little bastard shuts up.
But I digress, because I have a contender's match to prepare for and this means all business. I'm not like Maxwell Dane. Oh no. In all my insanity and chaos I am completely focused on destroying my opponents. I'd murder them if it were legal.
Instead, I'll just shed their blood and pin them! And then, Bruce BlingSteen, that fuckin' kike will be my next victim. His championship...
You're not the racist, that's Dim. You know, that guy who called you a
?Hah! He only wishes, Alan. We all know who the gay one is around here. In school the boys would "pick on" the boys they liked. So Dim picks on me, because he wants my painted clown cock. But the only thing he's gettin'...hahah....the only thing he's gettin' is an ass kickin'.
Our anti-hero snickers but turned his head toward the entrance of the green room as staff and crew begin piling in. He counted the heads and eyed the huge tub of spiked Kool Aid and tray full of "lady finger" sandwiches. That evil grin spread across his face once more. He looked at the camera.
Excuse me, gentlem-well, opponents. I have a party to host!
Host the party he did, the crew digging into the offered food and drink like a pack of wild dogs. The only two not digging in were Mister Rellik and his camera lady, but of course the camera lady knew the truth. Though she dare not tell on the killer clown.
After about an hour of "partying", the first zebra shirt started groaning in pain, holding his now grumbling stomach. Then, it happened. Projectile vomiting, explosive shit. It was a massacre! But hey, noone died. Rellik laughed maniacally, the laughter the last thing heard as the scene faded to black.