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+--- Thread: feedback? (/showthread.php?tid=1959)
feedback? - TheXtremist"Bryce" - 04-01-2013
please
feedback? - C Y R E N - 04-01-2013
FEED... ME... MORE
feedback? - TheXtremist"Bryce" - 04-01-2013
um..........
feedback? - C Y R E N - 04-01-2013
Good stuff.
feedback? - TheXtremist"Bryce" - 04-01-2013
thanks
feedback? - John Msdison 2.Faggot - 04-01-2013
I wouldn't start out an RP where you say you don't know how to do something, lol. If you aren't sure how something works then don't include it. Ask someone for help instead.
Anyway, the code for adding videos is...
Code:
[video=youtube]youtube video url[/video]As far as your writing goes, it looks decent. But I would change it up a little bit so that it isn't so plain. Here's just a quick look at how I would rewrite the opening to your RP. I did this really quick so there are probably a lot of better ways to do it.
How you wrote it:
Quote:The scene comes to life with Bryce surrounded by criminals they all have weapons and those weapons are aimed at Bryce, he doesn't know what to do, he tries to flee however it is unsuccessful. He feels trapped, he has no escape. You see he is in the solitary confinment room of a prison, and the prisoners managed to get a hold of weapons and start a prison break, they saw him and then he knew he was as good as dead, what a terrible way to go. They are just about to shoot him when.
My version of how I would write it:
A toothbrush and a spoon; two objects that we don't usually think of as dangerous weapons. However, once you place these two simple household objects into the hands of two death row inmates, they become instruments of death. All of a sudden, death row takes on a whole new meaning.
There's no easy way to look at it; I'm trapped. As if being thrown behind bars wasn't enough, I'm cornered in a small room no bigger than the bathroom of your typical family house. It's like being a caged rat in the middle of a snake pit.
And what is the nature of my impending execution? A prison break. Go figure, I'm three weeks out from being released from this shit hole and these two hardened fuck ups decide to pay me a visit on their way out. Seriously, why aren't they just escaping?
IMO, my version of your story is easier to follow and doesn't just follow the same old routine. It isn't perfect, or even good, but it at least attempts to break away from the norm. Put your thoughts and observations out there rather than just describing what's taking place in a sequence.
There are several people here who can do it better than I do. I like how Shots does it, check his stuff out.
feedback? - TheXtremist"Bryce" - 04-01-2013
lol a tooth brush and a spoon, those weren't exactly what I thought they were caring, they did a prison break and stole the weapons. Lol, but yeah I see what you're getting at
feedback? - John Msdison 2.Faggot - 04-01-2013
Yeah, but they were the first two objects that jumped out at me when it comes to prison shanks.
google searrrrrch!
yup, there's your standard lineup of prison weapons.
But if tooth brush is too silly for you then replace it with 9 mil, and you've got the same thing. I couldn't tell that you had them steal weapons from the guards.
feedback? - Sweet Cheapshots - 04-01-2013
I would just echo what John said, but a good layout is important! You want the reader to be excited to read what you have. When it's bland like that it's hard to feel the material will be of a high quality. Try setting the scene more, really bring us into this character's world.
Also, another minor note, I probably wouldn't mention 'sandbagging' in character in the promo unless you're saying something like, "Yeah, King Nothing is running scared he'll probably try to sneak a promo in when he thinks I'm not looking." I hope this helps and let me know if you need to bounce any other ideas around. Best of luck!
feedback? - TheXtremist"Bryce" - 04-01-2013
I like how the part you guys are targeting was my characters dream lol, and if you must know the whole insomnia thing excists with me in and out of character
feedback? - John Msdison 2.Faggot - 04-01-2013
Oh, alright. Never mind everything that I said then. You're doing really good.
feedback? - TheXtremist"Bryce" - 04-01-2013
lol