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+---- Thread: The Downfall (/showthread.php?tid=18601)
The Downfall - Luke Kage - 02-19-2015
The camera pans in on Luke Kage's house It's a full moon out, the chilling air could freeze even the warmest of hearts, Luke Kage is slumped in the corner of his room in nothing but a pair of jeans, which are caked with grime. at his feet, is a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of pills that have been spilled across the floor. the moonlight is shining through his blinds just enough to show the scar given to him, just 3 months ago. he seems like he's in some sort of trance, it looks like he's unconscious, but his eyes are....well they're glazed over. as if the chill of winter formed a thin sheet of ice over his corneas.
five minutes pass before Kage give an involuntary twitch, he then keels over and vomits on the floor. coughing and sputtering he wipes the bile away from his chin, and grabs the whiskey, downing it in mere seconds, then he smashes the bottle on the ground in front of him. five more minutes pass, and Kage gets up,stepping on the glass shards he created earlier. Kage makes his way to the bathroom, and grabs a .44 magnum he kept in the waistband of his jeans, and sets it on the sink, then precedes to take a piss.
Kage finishes and goes to wash his hands, he then hears something that stops him dead in his tracks. "lllluuucccyybbaaaaaaabby" said a voice that Kage hadn't heard in a long, long, time, the same voice that sent shivers down his spine whenever he heard it, and now was no exception. "no" said Kage, "no it can't be" Kage looks in the mirror and sees Hysteria in place of his reflection, "oh I can assure you it's me, in fact the piss in your jeans can assure you that" Kage quickly glances down, The Prophet was right, Kage had urinated himself, the stench was sour and foul. "you know why i'm here Lucybaby? you know why i decided to torture you tonight?" "don't you ever Fucking call me that" said Kage who then immediately feels as if he was cold cocked in his jaw, "watch Your Fucking Mouth you fucking pig" said Hysteria, "You need to learn to respect your betters, but that's not why i'm here. i'm here to put you out of your misery, you'll never make it, you're a fucking joke and a fool to ever think you could make it in the XWF while i Hysteria The Prophet graced it's ring. I wan't you to give up, end it, not even a Prophet like me can save you, you're a worthless piece of scum on the bottom of my Boots, and you should stick that gun in your mouth and blow your brains on the bathroom wall like the good little cocksucker you are."
Kage, is now filled with blind uncontrollable rage, and begins to smash his head into his bathroom mirror, "SHUT (SMASH) THE (SMASH) FUCK (SMASH) UP(SMASH) ARGH(SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH SMASH) Kage collapses on the floor, his face now covered in a crimson mask of blood. in his dazed concussed state he sees the .44 magnum and grabs it, shoving the barrel in his mouth, his face looks as if it's clenched, now only being tormented by his thoughts "just do it" he thought "he's right, he was always right, you can't survive in this world, you cn't make it, just do it, pull it, pull it, pull it, PULL THE MOTHERFUCKING TRIGGER AND END IT" "NO!" he screamed THIS IS NOT HOW THE STORY ENDS AND I WILL NOT LET YOU END IT FOR ME! Kage then fires all eight shot into his ceiling and passes out.
to be continued.
re:The Downfall - Lucius Fyre - 02-25-2015
OOC: You need to stop doing walls of text.
re:The Downfall - Luke Kage - 02-28-2015
What else can I do?
The Downfall - Ozymandias - 02-28-2015
Hit Enter.
The Downfall - Paul Heyman - 02-28-2015
OOC: lol
IC: also LOL
re:The Downfall - Luke Kage - 02-28-2015
OOC: other than the walls of text, is it any good? I need you guys to be honest, because if I suck at this I might as well just leave all together, I'm really trying to be successful here.
The Downfall - Sebastian Duke - 02-28-2015
OOC: I won't tell you whether its good or bad since I didn't read it, but if you leave because someone thinks its bad, then you wouldn't belong here. XWF is a tough place, but not a place where you can't learn and grow and become one of the best.
re:The Downfall - Mastermind - 03-01-2015
OOC: The Rule of thumb when it comes to Paragraphing, is at least fit five or six sentences into a paragraph, and then make a new one.
Don't let it get jumbled up.
Also try and use colors to make it look better and not boring.
Your grammar and punctuation is good. Just need to work on the paragraphing.
The Downfall - Vincent Lane - 03-01-2015
Here's some advice, take it or leave it.
You have an illustrative imagination. An eye for detail. That's good, but it can be overwhelming. Something you need to remember to do is only give the details that are necessary. A lot of writers, myself included I'm sure people here will tell you, have a tendency to describe too much. You want to focus on what matters. For instance, in this post what matters is the image of Kage on his chair with the pills and the booze. That's good, it tells something. The initial bit about it being colder than the warmest heart is for one, unneeded, two, contradictory to the image of a bare chested man sleeping comfortably or whatever, and three, distracting from that image.
Remember that things like capitalizing the beginning of a sentence isn't just a rule, it exists because it makes reading it work better in your head. Clumping everything together in a paragraph with monotonous repetition makes you read fast just to get through it. You want to control the pace it is being read in while still being engaging. If you want me to read slower to describe the passage of time you want to describe, don't just say "five minutes go by," instead...
Try,
to slow,
me down.
Something you need to also incorporate more of is dialogue. Dialogue is a great tool because it immediately gives you breaks in those "walls of text" by giving you a natural indentation, and it also gives you another method to convey the scene.
Authors will tell you to show and not tell. Don't say "it was a cold night." Show me Kage shivering. Don't say "Kage is angry." Show me through his actions. If you just tell me he's filled with rage, you're doing my job for me and taking me out of the equation. Then it's just redundant to tell me he throws things around because I already know h's angry.
Another tip? This one is tough for everyone, especially when describing things in an expository fashion: active voice is something you want to do more often than not, using action-filled language. "She drove the car fast" is boring, whereas "Speeding down the road, she jerked the wheel back and forth" is more active and therefore more engaging.
Finally, and then I'll shut up, I swear, the comments above about using colors and such are good advice on here. You can write very well without it, of course, but it won't be as interesting to most. Take Casablanca for example. Probably one of the best movies ever made, but it's in black and white. A lot of people don't watch it because of that.
Anyway, have fun.