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They talk - Frodo mother fucking Smackins - 10-17-2014
"Fred, what are you doing here?"
He woke her up. Her hair is in braids, and she's got that stupid mask on. Those stupid fucking cosmetic masks girls where to keep their face skin nice and tight. Fuck, she looks good.
"Gwen. I've seen horrible things. I've done horrible things. Not only to you and Joseph-Gordon. But to others as well. I raped a man, Gwen. But the worst thing I ever did was marry someone else. Ever convince myself I could love someone that's not. Close to that is letting you go. I love you, Gwen Stacy Cooper."
She blushed. Even beneath that stupid mask he could see it, and it made her look even more beautiful.
"Fred. I don't know what to say. We've been over this before. Of course I love you, but we can't be together. You know we don't work. You're too much of a junkie, and you can't stay faithful to me."
"I'll sober up. I promise."
"But what about the cheating on me?"
"I can try. Gwen, I will do everything for you. I realized after the Ukraine thing that I need you. Only you Gwen. Last night I was fucking some 18 year old girl. Beautiful thing, puffy nipples, tight pussy, the works. She had skills like you wouldn't believe. She did this one thing where she laid on her stomach and popped her pussy in the air, she was riding my dick and gyrating her hips while she was laying down. I swear to god. It was awesome. I came like 5 times."
"I'm happy for you, and her. But I don't want to hear that shit."
"Hold on. I'm going somewhere with this. As good as she was, and as beautiful as she was. I wasn't satisfied when I woke up. Because she's not you. Gwen, I want to wake up next to you. I want to have to roll over onto my side to be able to see you. Not anyone else but you. I want to buy you a strap on so you can fuck me for hours on end. Gwen, I want us to be a family again. Doesn't Joseph-Gordon deserve that?"
"He does. But Fred, we just don't work. You and I can pretend all day that we can work, but we just don't."
He started to tear up.
"Don't cry, Fred. We're still in each other's life. We're still sort of a family."
"Can I at least spend the night?"
"Fine. Lemme go shower and wash this shit off my face. Maybe I can try that pussy pop thing."
She walked off towards the bathroom, and Frodo followed her.
"Where are you going?"
"To shower with you. I've got something special for you."
She gestured for him to come with her.
| The next morning |
"Fred. I can't move. Something you did fucked my back up."
"Nah, that's just the results of Big Dick Playin in your cervix. You'll be fine in a bit."
"I can't feel my legs. But damn, was that good last night. I didn't know you could do that stuff."
"Lots of practice. Wanna go again?"
"Well, sure, but I can't move."
"I got this."
Frodo rolls Gwen over and uses pillows to prop her up before going at it.
| 2 hours later. |
Frodo is in the kitchen making a sandwhich when he gets a call from Katie.
"Hey, daddy. Where you at?"
"Little bitty, I'm at Gwen's. I fucked her so hard my dick be bleeding. Where you at?"
"I'm at home. Carlie called me asking where you are. She said you didn't use a condom, and she wants to know if she should get tested."
"Hell yeah, that girl needs to get tested. Tested for America's got Talent. Big Dick Playa almost didn't have a dick big enough to handle her pussy game."
"Urgh. Daddy, you're so gross. And something's gotten into your lately. You've changed since coming back."
The line went dead.
Katie is standing in her living room disgusted with the phone call she just ended. Someone wraps their arms around her waist, and kisses her neck gently.
"It's ok, Sis. Dad's always been a little weird."
She realizes who it is and pushes herself free.
"God, Joseph. You need to stop that shit. I'm done with fucking you. Don't you have a girlfriend? Joann thinks you two are still together. She hasn't wanted to hang out with me in like 2 weeks because she wants to spend all her time with you."
He moved closer, and sneaked his arm around her waist, leaving the hand dangerously close to her nethers.
"We're still dating, but something's missing. Something you have."
He threw his arm up from around her waist, and grabbed her by the hair. Panic rushed through her body. Was he going to rape her? Their father had raped someone, but surely little Joseph couldn't do it.
"Like dad's love. FUCK YOU, KATIE! FUCK YOU!"
He held in place as he brought the other fist to her face. She was unable to move away, his grip on her hair was too tight. He threw another punch. Crimson begins to drip on the carpet. Her tiny trembling hands find their way to her face. She's sobbing, but he doesn't care. He raises another fist towards her.
"He loved me plenty until you came into the picture. FUCK YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY SISTER! YOU'RE JUST SOME WHORE!!"
The fist is about to connect, but she catches it. Twists it back, he tightens his grip, but he is unable to hold her with her new hold on his arm. He releases, and she takes off running. She's out the door, and half way up the street, hoping for a miracle, Katie fumbles with her phone out and manages to dial Sarah's number. If she spoke to the ghost once, why not a second time, right? It's ringing. Maybe she'll answer. Run, Katie!
"Katie? What's up. You hung up on me last time."
"Sarah. Are you dead?"
An audible laugh.
"No. I'm not dead. I'm in Belize. Your dad is next to me. Why would you assume I'm dead?"
"There's a one eyed dad impersonator here. The Ukrainians killed you, and burned out his eye! He escaped and came back. He's different. And Joseph-Gordon is trying to kill me. Sarah, I need you. Help. Bring daddy home. I need protected."
Sarah hands the phone to Frodo. He seems confused.
"Baby girl. How's it going?"
Katie proceeds to run through the whole Fake Frodo, crazed Joseph-Gordon thing again.
"And he's got my phone? And is wrestling for me? He's winning? Fuck, no I'm not going back. Not for this. If he's winning matches let that be more of a lesson to his opponents. They're losing to an impostor. They're not even facing the real me. HAHAHAHA. Oh shit, this is awesome. I need to check this shit out. Oh fuck, I'm dying laughing. Ok, listen baby, go to uncle Swag's. Call Crack, tell him 'Code Pachinko.' He'll know what it means, and head over to meet you. Where's fake me now?"
"With Gwen."
"Oh, fuck that. I'm not calling to tell her. She probably deserves it. Listen, girly. I'll be home in a few weeks or something. Stay with Swagz and be safe. Tell Crack and the Zilla Killa not to leave you alone with Joey. I'll call him later. Love ya, babe."
And he hung up.
"Love you, too daddy. Come home soon."
Back at Gwen's house, Frodo's phone rings. Sarah's name and number flash. Her nervously answers.
"Hello?"
"Sup, buddy. I guess we both kind of know what this is about?"
"You've caught on. I suppose you're going to come back and expose me? Let the world know I'm a fraud?"
"lolnope. Keep doing your thing, One eyed Jack. Just know you've been had."
"So, I guess it's come out. I am not the real Frodo Smackins. And yet, here I stand. Poised to destroy you. Poised to deliver the War Games' Victory to my team mates. And I've never had a single day of training in my life. I just watched a lot of Frodo's old promos and matches. And I'm going to destroy you in the ring. Holy shit, Batman, did you see that coming? No, none of you did. It's been pretty clear to anyone paying attention, and not a one of you figured it out? Fucking sad. Guess I can drop the act, then. I'm not actually from Michigan, and I'm not Frodo. In fact, I'm not even from the United States. I'm from Leeds. Yeah, suck that shit. And yet I'm a better fighter than the lot of you.
Yeah, I'm a copy cat, but I'm not nearly as much of a copy cat as Gator. Not a single aspect of his life is original, at all. Not a one. I didn't tell this nigga to keep quiet because I'm afraid for him, but because I was trying to be friendly, I didn't want to have to crush him before the match. But, it looks like I do. Because he's too fucking stupid to hold his goddamn mouth shut. I swear to all the gods, it just gets easier for me.
No, Gator. I did not invent the pop culture bit, nor did Frodo. But know what he did do? He made it his thing before I showed up here, or before you did. Hell, his name is a reference to Lord of the Rings. His finisher is a reference to Street Fighter, and he named his son after that shitty actor from 500 days of Summer. Although, I think it was more from 3rd Rock at the time. Jesus christ, he married a girl named Gwen Stacy. Are you getting the connections here? The dude's entire life is a big nod to pop culture, and you're trying to steal that shit. They call his brother Carlton because he bares some resemblance to Carlton Banks. Fuck, you even jacked the threatening to rape people routine. And you want to call anyone on not being original? Are. You. Fucking. Serious? Like for real? You came in trashing Griffin MacAllister, trying to be tough and badass. That didn't work, so you thought you'd try going for the funny man? Again, at which point did this stop being a joke, because you're really trying to jack the personality of the Hobbit. Worst part? You're more like him than I am, and I'm actually successfully impersonating him. I mean, I've been actually trying to be this guy 24/7, I even signed legal documents in his name! And begged the US Government to send weapons to a terror organisation, as Frodo, and I'm not even nearly as identical to him as you are.
But you want to spit on me, thinking I'm him. And we're supposed to take you seriously? But hey, keep that going for you. Go on, act like that damn fool and smoke crack to prepare for your match. Chop yourself at the knees so you can properly fit the routine better. Take off the mask, and start talking about Azrael's cock some more. You're almost there. Fuck, you even stole the Cinnamon bit. Wanna know what's funny about that? No one else has ever, and I mean ever, gone on record and mentioned noticing the scent of Cinnamon coming from him. Not a soul, except Frodo. And now you, because you heard me say it pretending to be him, and like Oscar Pistorius, you ran with it. Good going, bitch. But I'm the cheap imitation. I just steal from 9gag, and Feder. Right, because you've got any idea how in the fuck Feder operates. You don't even know what Sid Feder looks like and you're dropping his name like it's gonna impress me? For reals? Oh no. He referred to me as a knock of someone who's vaguely known.
And he wants to accuse me of jumping on Vinnie's nuts, because I addressed the man before a match. But wait! He wants to even accuse me of being someone else for addressing my opponent? Goddamn. Goddamn I say. Ok, we're going to pretend that makes any fucking sense. Because of course it's entirely wrong to speak to my opponent at all. Ever. I cannot address anyone on Team Masters because if I do, Gator will think less of me? And yet. I don't give a fuck. Because I'm not even a real wrestler, I'm an English Actor, and I'm running circles around these limp dick paddywhacks. Let me make it real fucking simple for you, Gator. I'm going to keep fucking your guys' shit up all week. And if you think that makes me some sort of clone? Well, I'm just going to drop your ass even harder on the 22nd. I need to call Shane, find out when my opponents are supposed to get fucking serious. Because now I'm looking at a bunch of clowns thinking they can lap the dripping jizz of my dickhead and somehow be worth a fuck. Maybe he can swap it so I also fight against Eli or Azrael. At least one of those two would actually put up a fucking fight.
Now, Mastermind. I'ma lay this shit out for you. Keep my name out your fucking mouth. Not because I'm afraid, or embarrassed or anything of the sort. You make your team look bad. Well, worse than they do after being picked by you. Fuck, it's hard for Ezekiel to look worse, he's the last fat kid on the side waiting for the dodgeball game, but now he has to hear that he wouldn't even have gotten picked if it wasn't for me not being there. Did you wonder why I wasn't on the list? Because Shane didn't want to make things too uneven on you. He knew there was a really good chance that someone would pick Samuels and me, and then someone would have to face you. And you'd just have no shot there. Luckily Samuels bowed out, so I was allowed back in to kick your ass. Which will be sadder, because I'm not even the real Frodo. You'll get your ass kicked by Frodo, his brother, and now his body double. Wow, does your life just suck. End it. End it now."