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+--- Thread: Grounded...aka F That S (/showthread.php?tid=14903)
Grounded...aka F That S - Christian Gunn - 09-22-2014
Grounded...
The words no kid wants to hear. Ever.
I bet that back in the day being grounded wasn't that big of a deal. It just meant you couldn't go outside and play with your friends but now?
Now grounded is the worst thing ever.
Being grounded for a week feels like a life sentence in prison.
No going outside to play with friends.
No TV.
No XBox or Playstation.
No computer.
Nothing.
All because my friend Josh, make that ex friend Josh had to open his big mouth and tell his mom about my wrestling match with short bus Peter Gilmour. And of course as soon as he told his mom she called my mom who then called my Uncle and screamed at him for 45 minutes. But that wasn't enough because now she's downstairs screaming at him some more. In between the screaming on the phone and my uncle driving here my mom came upstairs to scream at me. Take my XBox controllers and my comic books and told me I was grounded for two weeks.
She took my controllers...why are mommies so dumb?
She used to take the whole system until I told her it was easier if she just took the controllers because I can't play without them. Of course little did she know that I talked my uncle into buying me an extra which I keep hidden in my drop ceiling.
Like I said, mommies are so dumb. I can live without comics or my friends for a little while. But I can't live without Halo.
I cracked open my door so I could listen to exactly what it was my mom was saying to Uncle Tommy.
It's not Uncle Tommy's fault, I tried to tell her that but she didn't listen to me. Why would she? I'm eight. I shouldn't be fighting anyone in the XWF. And honestly what self respecting man would actually agree to fight an 8 year old?
Apparently Peter Gilmour would.
I guess in some weird way it makes some sense right?
RIGHT?
I'm 8 and Peter Gilmour employs the logic of an 8 year old when he speaks.
Peter Gilmour is an 11 time extreme champ?
Well I'm a 4 time reigning spelling bee champ.
Can you spell hippopotamus Mr. Gilmour?
Do you need me to give you the country or origin or use it in a sentence?
Do you feel big Mr. Gilmour? Wanting to fight a kid? Do you think you will suddenly have more fans? That more girls will like you?
Have you looked at yourself lately? You are a fat fool with a beard. You are basically a
version of Eli James except he can actually win matches.Do you know why I challenged you Mr. Gilmour?
It's because I knew you would accept. I knew you were the only one who would accept because you are the only one stupid enough to think that beating up an 8 year old makes you look good.
I'll be famous after this match. I'll probably get my own t-shirts and have my face on posters. I'll be swimming in my money the way you pretend that you swim in punani. But you? You'll be the fat
that was stupid enough to find himself in a situation where he looked like an asshole no matter what he did. How does that feel Mr. Gilmour? To know that you were outsmarted by a third grader?
Tell you what Mr. Gilmour I'll make you an offer, if you want to call the match off right now I'll let you do it, but under one condition. You have to show up here at my school next week and take part in the schools annual spelling bee.
What do you say Mr. Gilmour?
Yes or no.
You see I can walk into that match with you, win or lose I still win. But you? No matter what happens you will lose. Whether it's literally, or in the court of public opinion.
And yes Mr. Gilmour I just used the phrase "In the court of public opinion." I'm smart as fuck for an 8 year old. I was breast fed, do you know what that means? It means that I am smarter than you Mr. Gilmour. Much, much smarter than you. Did you know that children who are breastfed test higher in reading, writing and math than formula fed babies. That's right Mr. Gilmour my mommies titties made me smarter.
What do you have to say to that? Do you even understand it or did I use too many big words for you? Like reading and breastfed?
Now what does breastfeeding have to do with anything? I have no idea.
I think it's because of that ADD or whatever it is my mom says that I have. They make me take pills for it. I hate those pills. They make me feel like a zombie.
Anyway, I think mom is still yelling at Uncle Tommy, let's go and see if we can hear what she is saying.
"Tommy how the fuck could you let this happen? He's 8 years old."
"I didn't let it happen, he did it on his own. Where were you at when he was logging onto a computer and uploading this video? Where were you when he made the video in the first place?"
"Don't you dare try and blame me."
"I'm not blaming you. Just pointing out the hypocrisy in you trying to blame me. I see him a couple hours a week, you are with him all the time."
"None of this would have happened if you didn't join that stupid wrestling thing. Did you even see the guy he challenged to a match? He looks like he swallowed an 8 year old for breakfast."
"He probably did. And probably one for lunch."
"This isn't funny Tommy."
"It is a little funny. A
man child agreed to wrestle an 8 year old in a playground match. I don't even know what a playground match is but apparently there is going to be one and I for one couldn't be happier.""You're happy? Happy? That your 8 year old nephew challenged someone to a wrestling match and that the person he challenged actually accepted? You are happy that a guy who weights 230 pounds more than Christian agreed to wrestle him?
"Look, this guy, Peter Gilmour is a jackass of the highest order. The guy needs help lacing up his boots. There is a really good chance that Peter's pants will split right down the middle the first time he even reaches to try and grab Christian. I'm telling you, if I was a gambler this is close to a sure thing as there is."
"He's 8 years old Tommy."
"Are you sure? Because I don't think you've said his age enough. Look I'll be there and if this Peter Gilmour guy even gets a hand on Christian I'll beat him to death on the jungle jim."
"No, absolutely not. This sicko won't even get to touch my son because he won't be there. What kind of mother would be if I let this happen?"
"The best mother."
"Shut up Tommy."
"What? You asked the question. Look, every kid needs to learn how to stand up for themselves. What kind of message would it send if Christian challenges someone only to back out at the last minute? I'll tell you what kind of message it will send, he'll end up being the next Peter Gilmour. And you are seeing how well it's working out for the original Peter Gilmour. Trust me, you don't want that."
"No....I just can't."
"Laura, listen to me. I'm your big brother. I would never let anything bad happen to you or Christian. If I thought this was a bad idea I would have put a stop to it. Truth be told this match is going to be the greatest thing to happen to humanity since bit torrents."
"Bit what?"
"Don't worry about it. Basically this match is the greatest thing ever. Besides, Christian will get paid for it and he can put that money towards college. It's a win win."
"Unless this guy kills Christian. I've went on the internet, I googled Peter Gilmour, it says he's a pedophile and he hates gays. He talks about ending people, and burying them?"
"The rantings of someone that should be locked in an asylum. I wouldn't worry about that. Peter Gilmour has talked about burying people for months, possibly years but to my knowledge he hasn't buried anyone. Ever. It's more likely that he will trip and fall and strangle himself to death on the swing set. I'm not even kidding."
"No. Not happening."
"Mom I have to do this."
Both my mom and Uncle Tommy look up at me. My Uncle is smiling my mom looks very angry. Oh well, I'm already grounded not sure what else she can do.
"How long have you been standing there?"
"I don't know mom, a few minutes."
"Christian go back to your room."
"No mom. I have to do this. Mr. Gilmour is a big pansy and I need to show him that he can't go around treating people the way he does. I want to be a hero like dad."
"Christian...I...ugh...you promise nothing bad will happen to him?"
"Yes Laura, I promise. I will kill Peter Gilmour with my bare hands before I let anything happen to your son. You have my word."
"Fine."
"YIPPIE!!! Thanks mom you're the best."
"I am sure there are going to be plenty of parents who disagree."
"Fuck em."
"Yeah mom. Fuck em."
"Christian!!!."
Opps. Probably should have ended with 'you're the best."