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+---- Thread: Brah, Where's my Car? (Part 1)(Theo/Scorp/Samuels collab.) (/showthread.php?tid=11142)
Brah, Where's my Car? (Part 1)(Theo/Scorp/Samuels collab.) - John Samuels - 03-14-2014
“Theo, you old dog! What say we go grab ourselves a pre-celebration drink!”
“I know just the place.”
“Better not be no fruity ass wine bar, I’m looking to get a glow goin’.”
Each smoking a large cigar, the scene opens to John Samuels and Theo Pryce exiting the rear of a black limousine. Laughing loudly, the men walk past several luxury cars on their approach the front door of Sopano’s Steakhouse. Samuels points to a sleek, white Maybach and gives it a thumbs-up approval.
“I’ve got one of those, I’ll let you drive it some time.”
“Nah, I need something that sits a little higher and is a little more American. We need to get you behind the wheel of my truck, see how you like that one.”
“The one with the ‘truck nuts’ on the back? I think I will have to respectfully decline.”
“Two different worlds Theo. Two different worlds.”
“Indeed.”
The men reach the large doors of the posh restaurant, just in time to witness several elderly ladies storming out, scoffing at waitstaff desperately trying to appease them. The two men exchange a glance and proceed inside, where they are nearly plowed over by a group of beet-faced men quickly leaving the restaurant.
“What in the--”
The two walk to the host’s podium where they are greeted by a friendly, yet visibly annoyed young blonde.
“Hello gentlemen, do you have a reservation?”
“Theo Pryce, dear. I do believe we can skip this part and you can show us to our table.”
“Yeah, and I’m John Samuels.”
“Umm… ok. Mr. Pryce, your reserved table is right this way if you’ll just follow me.”
The woman smiles and begins to escort the men down the stairs and into the dining room. As they make their way through the building, Samuels winks at nearly every woman who gives him even the smallest of glances. Theo’s eyes seem to be fixated solely on the empty table at the far side of the room. Theo breaks his gaze and stops in his tracks, causing Samuels to slam into Theo’s shoulder.
“What the Hell, man? Walk much?”
Theo smirks and points across the room.
“Well, I'll be damned.
“There goes the neighborhood.”
“Sup brahs!?”
The camera moves to the far side of the room, Scorpio is standing at his table, eagerly waving the pair over.
“On second thought, we’ll be joining our friend.”
“You know that guy? He’s been freaking out our diners for the past hour. He had a temper tantrum because our chef didn’t know what a ‘triple stack’ was.”
“Sounds like you need a new chef, then.”
“Brahs! Come on, sit with me!”
Theo and Samuels join Scorp, who gives each man a small yet startling hug. They take their seats, and Theo bursts into laughter as he looks over at Scorpio’s plate--A fork and knife are resting on top of a half eaten triple stack. Theo points down and raises an eyebrow to Scorp.
“GrubHub, brah. It’s a lifesaver.”
Samuels grabs the apron of a passing waiter and pulls him down to eye level.
“Drinks. Lots, and lots of drinks.”
“I’ll take a Caribou Lou.”
“Sir, we don’t serve that here.”
“What kind of piece of shit establishment are you running here, brah!?”
“Just bring us a fifth of your finest whiskey and three shot glasses.”
“Two fifths.”
“So, what brings you brahs to my little section of Hell?”
“Well, in anticipation of our upcoming dismantling of Eli and all the rest of the supporting cast of The Hills Have Eyes, I called up our fearless leader here to have us a celebratory drink. It’s a team morale booster, if you will.”
“If I will what, brah?”
“Scorp, I’m glad you’re here. Round two is going to be a big one for us, I’m counting on you to unleash that Dick of Doom all over Eli’s hillbilly fightin’ squad. This is going to be a total team effort, and I for one cannot wait to see the look on Eli’s face when his teammates falls flat on their faces.”
“Hell yes! It’s gonna feel so good to crush these chromosomally unbalanced sacks of shit and send them back to whatever inbred hell they crawled out of.”
“He always this heavy?”
“It’s the Texas talking”
“And the whiskey. Speaking of:
WAITER! I didn’t drag my ass out here to sober up.”
The waiter arrives on cue with two bottles of whiskey and three shot glasses. He places them on the table and immediately begins to pour. After passing a shot to Scorpio and to Theo, Samuels snatches the bottles from the waiter and nods for him to leave. Theo and Scorpio hold up their glasses, and Samuels raises the bottle.
“Gentleman, here’s to certain victory.”
“To victory, brahs!”
The glass clangs and the men each take a drink as the scene fades to black.
The next morning.
“Uhhhhhh. Guys. Guys. My head.”
“GRRRRRAAAAHAAAA”
“Not so fucking loud.”
The scene re-opens to a trashed penthouse suite. Bottles of liquor and beer cans are strewn about the floor, curtains are ripped and burnt and the stuffing from the couch cushions are covering damn near everything. In the middle of the floor lies Samuels, shirtless and pantsless with only his hat and cowboy boots still on. With his hands covering his eyes to drown out the bright sunlight, Samuels groans in pain and rolls onto his side, crushing several beer cans and rolling over a half-eaten pizza. Struggling to get to his feet, Samuels stands and immediately trips over Scorpio, who is covered in a makeshift blanket made from hundreds of Wendy’s wrappers.
“Fuck brah, not cool.”
“Son of a bitch. Where the fuck are we?”
“It’s fancy.”
“Theo! Theo! What the fuck?”
A groaning is heard from the kitchen. Two black gloves grip the counter top and Theo pulls himself up, making his way to a vertical base. He lets out another loud groan and walks out into the room with Samuels and Scorpio, who begin to chuckle.
![[Image: Adam-west-batman.jpg]](http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111231053203/batman/images/2/22/Adam-west-batman.jpg)
“What’s so fucking funny? Where the Hell are we?”
“Well, Mr. Gaped Crusader, from the looks of this fancy-ass establishment it looks like we’re in another of Theo Pryce’s penthouses.”
“No, I’ve never seen this place before.”
Theo stumbles over to a phone placed atop a shelf, presses one of the buttons and collapses into a chair covered in women’s underwear.
“Yes, this is Theo Pryce in the penthouse. Where exactly are we?”
“Who?”
“Theo Pryce. Check your goddamn files, a few colleagues of mine and I must have checked in here after a drink or two too many.”
“Sir, the name Pryce isn’t showing up in my computer. According to this the room was rented at approximately 11:30 PM by a… Swagmire Swaggins, it appears.”
Theo laughs and drops the phone as a stirring is heard in the bathroom.
“It’s Swagmire. He rented the room.”
“Welfare queen is living it up on our dime, eh?”
“Brahs can we get out of here already? Those creepy cupid paintings look like horny babies and I’m not sure I’m okay with that.”
“I’ll get Swaggy. You two make some coffee or something, would ya?”
Samuels stands up and slowly lurches over to the door of the bathroom.
“I know how Sid feels now. I bet Swaggy is in here, probably fell asleep fingering himself in the shower.”
Samuels opens the door, let’s out a girlish scream and quickly slams the door. He clutches his chest and falls down against it, breathing heavily.
“Oh.
My.
God.”
“What is it? Did you see the finger go inside the hole?”
“Worse. Worse. Worse.”
Theo makes his way over to the door, tripping over pieces of broken statues and paintings. As he reaches the door Samuels scoots out of the way and collapses against the wall. Theo shakes his head and opens the door. Upon peering in, he too slams the door shut and falls to the ground, scooting back on all fours.
“That’s… that’s… Is that what i think it is?”
“Quit being such pussies, so what if he’s got a finger in his ass? It could be for hygiene purposes. Gotta stay clean, know what I mean, brah?”
Scorpio makes his way to the door and pulls it wide open, and his jaw drops. The camera moves to the interior of the bathroom to show a naked John Austin, crawling on all fours with a ball gag in his mouth. Upon noticing Scorpio, he makes a scratching motion toward Scorp and growls lightly. Scorpio slams the door shut and regroups with the two others, who all begin exchanging glances of terror.
“Just what in the fuck happened last night? I don’t remember a damn thing that happened after we left the steakhouse. And… My ass is really sore.”
“Well brah, Swagmire definitely was here then.”
“Not there, you idiot. On the meat. It burns.”
“Some kind of Texan ass STD?”
Theo begins to laugh until the expression on his face changes to one of confusion.
“Mine hurts too.”
Samuels stands and reaches down the back of his underwear. With a firm yank he pulls a bandage off his ass cheek, and his head drops in bewilderment. Samuels turns around and begins to pull his underwear. Scorpio and Theo both look away, disgusted, as Samuels stands there bareassed.
“WELL!? WHAT IS IT!?”
Theo and Scorpio both resist for a moment, but curiosity gets the better of Theo and one eye glances in Samuels’ direction. Theo’s eyes widen and a roaring laugh ensues, causing Scorpio to look and laugh too.
“What the fuck is it!?”
“Brah! It’s beautiful!”
“You’ve got a tattoo of Scorpio!”
“I got a tattoo of a scorpion on my ass?”
“No, Scorpio’s face!”
Scorpio and Theo begin laughing as Samuels pulls up his underwear and storms off. Scorpio slaps Theo on the shoulder, causing Theo to stop and pull down his tights, right in Scorp’s face.
“Brah what the fuck?”
“What is it?”
“You got one too! You love me, you really love me! Wait, wait! What about me?”
Scorpio stands up and drops his pants, standing there with his hands on his hips. He stays motionless for a moment with a smile on his face while Samuels and Theo raise their eyebrows at him.
“Aren’t you gonna turn around?”
“Oh, right!”
Scorpio turns around and bends over, sending Theo backwards with a look of disgust.
“Jesus, man, I didn’t need to see the hole. You narcissistic ass, you go your own face.... On your ass! Wait a second....
Not wanting to but being overtaken by curiosity Theo leans in closer.
"The tattoo of your face that you got tattooed on your ass has a Mike Tyson like tattoo on it's face! Say that ten times fast. That isn't all though, it says something, who the hell is Shana?”
Scorpio immediately pulls up his pants and spins around.
“I don’t like this game anymore. Can we go home now?”
“I’d absolutely love to, but we’ve got a problem here. We were obviously with Swagmire last night. We are obviously without Swagmire this morning. We need to find him, fast.”
“Fuck him, he can get himself out of any trouble that he’s in.”
“As much as I wish that were true, he’s on our side and thus we can’t leave him behind. This is a team effort, and we need him to beat Eli.”
“I agree brah. We gotta find him.”
“Where do we look first?”
“If I were a black man where would I hide? The welfare office? KFC? Starbucks?”
“Why Starbucks?”
“White women, brah. Tons of ‘em.”
“Gentlemen, it looks like we’ve got ourselves a bonafide adventure.”
The trio all turn their heads toward a scratching at the bathroom door, sending shivers up Samuels' spine. Theo quickly ushers the men out of the room to begin their hunt for the missing Swagmire.