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+---- Thread: The Commissioner's Office (/showthread.php?tid=39676)
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 03-29-2022
*presses @[MollyBarnes] button from Hawai'ian hotel*
re:The Commissioner's Office - MollyBarnes - 03-29-2022
Alrite?
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 03-29-2022
Hello! Asking for the entire Madness audience here in Hawai'i: Do you, or do you not, know English?
re:The Commissioner's Office - MollyBarnes - 03-29-2022
Course I do, mate, what you goin on about? Been speaking it me entire life. I even pronounce Hawai'i the proper way, innit?
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 03-30-2022
Axly! When I walked by you at the hotel buffet...I had my food personally prepared, obvs...I distinctly heard you utter a handful of 'words' which dumbfounded all passersby. Thus, my original question, obvs.
The Commissioner's Office - BGTL - 03-30-2022
molly u bitch i am gona fuckin mame u
-Claire (cuz i gotta shair this acount thx ximmie and THX IBAMA)
re:The Commissioner's Office - BGTL - 03-30-2022
(03-30-2022, 11:16 AM)Lacklan Said: Axly! When I walked by you at the hotel buffet...I had my food personally prepared, obvs...I distinctly heard you utter a handful of 'words' which dumbfounded all passersby. Thus, my original question, obvs.
lmao ikr everything she says just sounds like giberish lolll
-c
re:The Commissioner's Office - MollyBarnes - 03-30-2022
You lot are bang out of order first of all. I was wronged here to begin with, innit? You don't see me moaning about, do ya?
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 03-30-2022
HI, CLAIRE! 😀
Hello, Xim 😒
re:The Commissioner's Office - "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane - 03-30-2022
Dude is someone in here talking with their mouth full?
re:The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 03-30-2022
(03-30-2022, 12:20 PM)"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane Said: Dude is someone in here talking with their mouth full?
👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻
@[MollyBarnes]
re:The Commissioner's Office - MollyBarnes - 03-30-2022
Alrite?
re:The Commissioner's Office - Tommy Wish - 03-30-2022
(03-30-2022, 02:16 PM)MollyBarnes Said: Alrite?
Shakes his head in a distance
"Hey Molly, if i were you, i'd bail out here and ignore this broad. But, if you feel the need to be in tune with the boss, it's your bizness."
re:The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 04-06-2022
*presses @[Vita Frickin Valenteen] button*
*tries...fails...to hide mischievous glint in eye*
re:The Commissioner's Office - Vita Frickin Valenteen - 04-06-2022
*Shows up super punctually!
"Yes!?"
*Doesn't even think twice about said glint in eyes.
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 04-06-2022
Was going through old stuffs of mine and lookie what I found! It's it just, like, the BEST?!
re:The Commissioner's Office - Vita Frickin Valenteen - 04-06-2022
*Abruptly turns around a leaves*
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 04-06-2022
?
re:The Commissioner's Office - Vita Frickin Valenteen - 04-06-2022
*Nope, is totally gone and successfully avoided the subject of ANY of her exes*
re:The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 04-15-2022
*button spam*
Hello, dear Sirs/Madams/Inbetweens (#SexualityIsFluid)
@["Loverboy" Vinnie Lane]
@[Ruby]
@[Roxy Cotton]
@[T.H.U.G.S]
@[Vita Frickin Valenteen]
@[Money Oswald]
@[MollyBarnes]
@[BGTL]
Can you find room in your heart and budget to donate money towards the hospital costs of XWF Referee Chaz Bobo? He has been incapacitated since he was wrongfully assaulted this past Thursday on Anarchy and his wife and children are hoping he can come home before Easter dinner. Any and all lightening of purse strings is greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your time and generosity, Sirs/Madams/Inbetweens.
-The Grey-Lacklan G(ay)la Foundation-
re:The Commissioner's Office - Vita Frickin Valenteen - 04-15-2022
"Totally down for this! Just tell me where to send!"
re:The Commissioner's Office - Mr. Oz - 04-15-2022
"No. Chaz cheated me out of a win because he's working with you and Vita. Fuck him, fuck you too."
re:The Commissioner's Office - Ruby - 04-15-2022
I've got some rare first edition mint comic books lying around. I'll do a raffle!
re:The Commissioner's Office - "Loverboy" Vinnie Lane - 04-16-2022
Just stuck a handful of Applebee's gift cards in his mail slot.
The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 04-16-2022
Japplebees>Applebees
The Commissioner's Office - Mark Flynn - 04-16-2022
Flynn walks in, dressed in a suit, wearing a false mustache across his upper lip and a monocle on his right eye.
”Have YOU had an employee INJURED on the job by Big Money Oswald?”
Flynn slips a business card onto Lacklan’s desk. Somehow, doing that makes a toll-free phone number appear underneath him.
”Have him/her/them call Christopher K. Clinton, Esq. He’s undefeated in the courtroom against Big Money Oswald….‘s lawyers.”
Flynn turns away from Lacklan’s desk, toward no-one in particular.
”But don’t take my word for it! Listen to these satisfied customers!”
…
……
Then, Without saying a word to anyone else, Flynn heads out the exit.
re:The Commissioner's Office - Latina Submission Machina - 04-16-2022
(04-16-2022, 10:02 AM)Mark Flynn Said: Flynn walks in, dressed in a suit, wearing a false mustache across his upper lip and a monocle on his right eye.
”Have YOU had an employee INJURED on the job by Big Money Oswald?”
Flynn slips a business card onto Lacklan’s desk. Somehow, doing that makes a toll-free phone number appear underneath him.
”Have him/her/them call Christopher K. Clinton, Esq. He’s undefeated in the courtroom against Big Money Oswald….‘s lawyers.”
Flynn turns away from Lacklan’s desk, toward no-one in particular.
”But don’t take my word for it! Listen to these satisfied customers!”
…
……
Then, Without saying a word to anyone else, Flynn heads out the exit.
The satisfied customer arrives, albeit a bit late.
Commissioner, this lawyer is the real deal! When Oswaldo's lawyers started harassing mi madre over the Billion Dollar Championship, Christopher K. Clinton and his team got the calls to stop and they got my family a huge settlement! As in, Oswaldo settled down and stopped complaining after I hired Clinton's legal defense team!
LSM gives a big thumbs up along with her endorsement to the commissioner.
re:The Commissioner's Office - Mr. Oz - 04-17-2022
(04-16-2022, 02:09 PM)Latina Submission Machina Said:(04-16-2022, 10:02 AM)Mark Flynn Said: Flynn walks in, dressed in a suit, wearing a false mustache across his upper lip and a monocle on his right eye.
”Have YOU had an employee INJURED on the job by Big Money Oswald?”
Flynn slips a business card onto Lacklan’s desk. Somehow, doing that makes a toll-free phone number appear underneath him.
”Have him/her/them call Christopher K. Clinton, Esq. He’s undefeated in the courtroom against Big Money Oswald….‘s lawyers.”
Flynn turns away from Lacklan’s desk, toward no-one in particular.
”But don’t take my word for it! Listen to these satisfied customers!”
…
……
Then, Without saying a word to anyone else, Flynn heads out the exit.
The satisfied customer arrives, albeit a bit late.
Commissioner, this lawyer is the real deal! When Oswaldo's lawyers started harassing mi madre over the Billion Dollar Championship, Christopher K. Clinton and his team got the calls to stop and they got my family a huge settlement! As in, Oswaldo settled down and stopped complaining after I hired Clinton's legal defense team!
LSM gives a big thumbs up along with her endorsement to the commissioner.
"You keep calling me Oswaldo. It's pissing me off, chica. Know what I think about you? Tu padre debe haberse follado a una vaca para hacer una perra tan testaruda como tú.
Back to English. The Billion Dollar Championship is still where it deserves, around my waist. That's why I stopped complaining. Because my then BOB subordinate took it from you and gave it to me. As for this case? Mark isn't going to be able to do shit. Chaz was bribed by Sarah Lacklan to throw the match by getting in my face time and time again, and started putting his hands on ME, first. There's a clear case here, where Vita, who has been on an undefeated streak as of late, is in a friendship-esque or maybe more, kind of relationship with Lacklan, who is in charge of the shows in Lane's stead.
She told Chaz to do what he did, and I'm the one who got punished for this. I got cheated out of a win and they all know it."
The Commissioner's Office - Mark Flynn - 04-17-2022
As Oswaldo speaks, suddenly he freeze-frames and turns black and white.
A colorized Mark Flynn Christopher K. Clinton steps out in front of the scene like he’s standing in front of a green screen.
“Does THIS sound familiar? Then call Christopher K. Clinton, Esquire!” The toll-free number beneath him is now flashing.
Clinton points at the screen so hard, his false mustache quivers on his face.
“Have you suffered damage to your reputation and limbs because Big Money Oswald accused YOU of being part of an intricate conspiracy against him!”
“Are you worried at your future employability as a wrestling official because your good name and arms have been respectively besmirched and bent the wrong way by Big Money Oswald?”
He turns his gaze, now pointing a different direction.
“I’ve got news for you! It’s illegal to beat someone up, even if you think they’re conspiring against you! I know that because I googled it!”
“Call Christopher K. Clinton today!”
re:The Commissioner's Office - Vita Frickin Valenteen - 04-17-2022
*Dials that 1800 @[Mark Flynn] number and starts running off a mile-a-minute as soon as she hears the line pick up!
"Yes, I think that I may have a defamation of character case against Money Oswald!"
"Unable to accept responsibility for his own dumb actions, he continues to spin a tale of lies that have and will continue to cause great harm to my public image!"
"I've already tried to settle out of court, but Oswald so far has refused any offer of settlement!"
The Commissioner's Office - Mark Flynn - 04-17-2022
Mark Flynn Christopher K. Clinton breaks through the brick wall made out of the image of Vita calling for legal aid. He's holding a sledgehammer for some reason.
"If you've been slandered, libeled, defamed and/or accused of conspiratorial malfeasance with only circumstancial evidence by Big Money Oswald, I will WIN your CASE!"
The Words
NO
MONEY
DOWN
fly across the screen.
"I will fight tooth-and-nail to get you the cash settlement and/or Last Man Standing, Winner-Take-All Match settlement that you deserve! Yo hablo español y mis precios son muchos competitivos!"
Clinton points at the screen.
"Oswaldo, take my client's challenge in the ring OR take my challenge IN COURT!"
re:The Commissioner's Office - (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) - 04-17-2022
Suddenly! Micheal Graves struts in wearing an ill-fitting and mismatched suit along with thick black-rimmed glasses that he's popped the lenses out of. Everyone just watches this dude set up one of those wooden folding tables in the center of the room for what seems like forever. Micheal then hurries out of the room just so he can strut back in and slam an empty briefcase on that table that he just set up.
"OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!"
There is no judge here.
"I have secured evidence that supports my potential client's claims of foul play!"
There are curious mummers from everyone who witnesses Graves' claims.
Micheal cups his mouth and whispers in Oswald's ear.
"Let me do the talking if you want to live!"
Micheal then stands to attention and smiles at the wall, which he thinks is the judge over this case.
The Commissioner's Office - Mark Flynn - 04-17-2022
Flynn Clinton, Esquire sprints out of his commercial dimension to inside the room Graves is inside of. He's brought his own folding table, which he takes a few minutes to extend the legs of and rest it flat.
He then pulls up a lawn chair.
"Your Honor, permission to approach the bench with opposing counsel, so we might review this purported evidence?" Clinton asks the wall, which Graves is treating like the judge. He bows to the wall, to demonstrate that the wall is the alpha here.
re:The Commissioner's Office - (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) - 04-17-2022
The judge must have agreed because Graves walks right up to the wall with Harvey Birdman.
"Your honor, not only do I have indisputable evidence that Vita Valenteen is a complete parasitic loser who can not survive without leeching off of others, but also that she is a terrible person who would, could, and likely did seek any advantage she could find to retain her undefeated streak! I can also back this evidence up with video evidence of Vita trying to game an early advantage JUST earlier TODAY!"
Gasps and gossipy murmurs from all of the random people who are now gathered in Sarah's office.
"I will gladly reveal this information to the court, should Oswald desire to negotiate my services!"
Graves smiles a yellowed smile as he smugly looks from Clinton to Oswald.
re:The Commissioner's Office - Lacklan - 04-18-2022
(04-17-2022, 07:00 PM)(Gravy_Xtreme_5000) Said: There is no judge here.
*immediately starts working on a Q-inspired judge outfit. Because, c'mon, that'd be hawt as flame*
re:The Commissioner's Office - Mr. Oz - 04-18-2022
(04-17-2022, 07:50 PM)(Gravy_Xtreme_5000) Said: The judge must have agreed because Graves walks right up to the wall with Harvey Birdman.
"Your honor, not only do I have indisputable evidence that Vita Valenteen is a complete parasitic loser who can not survive without leeching off of others, but also that she is a terrible person who would, could, and likely did seek any advantage she could find to retain her undefeated streak! I can also back this evidence up with video evidence of Vita trying to game an early advantage JUST earlier TODAY!"
Gasps and gossipy murmurs from all of the random people who are now gathered in Sarah's office.
"I will gladly reveal this information to the court, should Oswald desire to negotiate my services!"
Graves smiles a yellowed smile as he smugly looks from Clinton to Oswald.
Oswald nods to Graves. His sign of approval.
re:The Commissioner's Office - (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) - 04-18-2022
This is it! Graves chance to get anything he wants from Ozzy! Including his spot on the roster, all it takes is Oswald naming Micheal as his tag team partner, and the XWF would have no choice but to book him for matches!
I want a 12pk of diet coke and a $50 McDonalds gift card!"
Micheal smiles, thinking he has Ozzy by the balls with his super expensive offer!
re:The Commissioner's Office - Mr. Oz - 04-18-2022
(04-18-2022, 11:06 AM)(Gravy_Xtreme_5000) Said: This is it! Graves chance to get anything he wants from Ozzy! Including his spot on the roster, all it takes is Oswald naming Micheal as his tag team partner, and the XWF would have no choice but to book him for matches!
I want a 12pk of diet coke and a $50 McDonalds gift card!"
Micheal smiles, thinking he has Ozzy by the balls with his super expensive offer!
Oswald taps his chin before talking
"Do a good job, you'll get a 24 pack and a hundred dollar McDonald's gift card as payment for taking on this case and winning."
re:The Commissioner's Office - (Gravy_Xtreme_5000) - 04-18-2022
(04-18-2022, 11:22 AM)Money Oswald Said:(04-18-2022, 11:06 AM)(Gravy_Xtreme_5000) Said: This is it! Graves chance to get anything he wants from Ozzy! Including his spot on the roster, all it takes is Oswald naming Micheal as his tag team partner, and the XWF would have no choice but to book him for matches!
I want a 12pk of diet coke and a $50 McDonalds gift card!"
Micheal smiles, thinking he has Ozzy by the balls with his super expensive offer!
Oswald taps his chin before talking
"Do a good job, you'll get a 24 pack and a hundred dollar McDonald's gift card as payment for taking on this case and winning."
Graves can barely contain his excitement...
![[Image: nicholas-cage-crazy.gif]](https://i.postimg.cc/ZRjqzG1X/nicholas-cage-crazy.gif)
But somehow, he does and faces the wall once more!
Your honor! Vita Valenteen couldn't wrestle her way out of a wet paper bag, much less stand any sort of actual chance against a monster such as Big Money Oswald! Vita and more importantly, Sarah @[Lacklan] knew this going into Vita versus Oswald, and as such it is VERY likely that one or both of these two known manipulators would have conceived a plan to give Vita the unfair advantage!
To back up this claim, I submit into evidence exhibit A!
Exhibit A:
What you have before you is Vita Valenteen's incomplete match history! Now, while this document may be missing a few Pay-Per-View appearances, I think that it paints a pretty good picture of someone who only THINKS that they belong inside of the ring!
Just look at her VERY FIRST MATCH, where her inability to be even mildly effective as a tag team partner would cost me my contract here in the XWF, and has made it hard for me to earn a living ever since!
After that, management fed the girl some jobbers and teamed her up with someone who had the experience to carry her dead weight ass, but even that wasn't enough to stop her from eating a loss to a team literally named THE JOBBERS! You will notice this trend repeat throughout her career! Vita's fed gimmie's gets a little forward momentum, finds a real star to hitch her trailer to, then sinks her fangs into them for all they're worth!
It was me that she screwed to get her contract! Jessalyn Hart brought Vita to the dance, but was dumped the second Vita captured a singles belt! After 37 straight losses to Sarah Lacklan, Vita would hook up with a "bad boy" and rebrand herself as "Vicious", but after that move fell flat on its face she dumped Noah for Ruby so that Ruby could fix that public image, and as soon as she did, The Super Friends seemed to disband as well! Now she's doing the same thing with Sar, except here the two dummies are too dumb to see that they're both playing the same game!
OH, AND LET'S NOT FORGET THAT VITA IS A VAMPIRE, AND LITERALLY COMMITS IMMORAL ACTS NIGHTLY JUST TO SURVIVE!
Graves has more, but he stops to smirk at Mr. Clinton. He rubs his palms together and can already taste those McDoubles!
The Commissioner's Office - Mark Flynn - 04-18-2022
Clinton stands up out of his lawn chair. Not immediately, it takes a few tries, but eventually he gets there.
"People of the court, slash business office where business is conducted."
Clinton reaches into his briefcase to obtain a pair of clip-on suspenders, which he attaches to his suit, then stretches out from his chest with his hands.
"I may be an old-fashioned country lawyer, from deep in the southern wilds of Battle Creek, Michigan."
Author's Note: Michigan is like the northernmost central state...
"But even I know when a fifty cent argument has been dressed in a five dollar suit!"
Clinton smacks his hand down on the table for emphasis. It only buckles a little bit. Good material.
"Mister Graves, my opposing counselor, expects you to believe that Vita Valenteen, because she's lost a handful of matches in her lengthy, accomplishment-heavy XWF career, that the only way she could have beaten his client, Big Money Oswald, is a grandiose conspiracy between Vita Valenteen and Sarah Lacklan. And thus, he seeks to PROVE beyond a reasonable doubt that Big Money Oswald is guilty of neither libel NOR slander, because truth is an absolute defense against defamation."
Clinton sticks his finger in the air.
"However! I also brought evidence! I would like to present EXHIBIT B!"
Clinton throws an envelope at the wall that the two lawyer characters seem to have decided is the judge...
EXHIBIT B:
”If we’re going to air our client’s dirty laundry, I’d like to submit into evidence, for the approval of the Midnight Society, Big Money Oswald’s (possibly incomplete) match record.”
”Now, a lesser attorney might simply use this record to point and laugh that Oswald has lost to the THUGS, Terry Borden and Joey Oddjobs!”
…
Clinton stifles a laugh, coughing to cover it up.
”However! I’d like to recommend the court that if you BELIEVE Counselor Graves’ narrative… You’d be led to believe that Sarah Lacklan has a bias against Big Money Oswald! Hence, her willingness to conspire against him! …Were that the case, my friends, WHY ON EARTH WOULD OSWALD HAVE BEEN A DOUBLE CHAMPION UNDER HER COMMISSIONERSHIP!?!”
The assembled office gallery gasps at the hole pointed out in Graves’ logic.
”WHY! Would Oswald have held the Billion Dollar Championship AND the Anarchy Belt, under Lacklan's management? The reason for this incongruency is simple, my astute audience. There is NO collusion. There is NO conspiracy. You’ll find noted in evidence, not only has Oswald occasionally won matches against the best and lost matches against the… not-best. But he’s also attacked his opponents after certain matches. He’s attacked his teammates after certain matches. And he’s attacked officials after certain matches.”
Clinton points at Graves.
”Again, Opposing Counsel wants you to believe that the only logical explanation for Oswald attacking an official and drawing a disqualification is a Vampire Conspiracy! But Oswald attacks people, like, ALL THE TIME.”
Clinton guffaws, and stretches his suspenders with his thumbs.
”Now, is my client a vampire? Yes.”
”Has she consumed the blood of other living people, potentially human, possibly innocent, to sustain her lifeforce? I’d be a fool if I assumed no!”
”BUT! She is not on trial for being a vampire!”
…
”...Right?”
Clinton opens up his briefcase and checks his notes. He nods.
”Correct! This is a defamation/libel/slander case! The way Counselour Graves has presented his case, he seeks to demonstrate there is no way Vita Valenteen could ever beat Big Money Oswald without a conspiracy at play!”
Clinton reaches over and grabs Graves’ own exhibit A!
”But the facts don’t lie! Miss Valenteen beat John Black AND Tommy Wish in 2019! Well before Lacklan was a commissioner! And in the same timeframe, AGAIN, before Lacklan was commissioner, Oswald lost a tag-match against Black and Wish, while paired with a very capable Barney Green!”
”In 2019, Miss Valenteen defeated a former XWF World Heavyweight Champion in Tristan Slater AND Lux in singles matches!”
“Now, does my client win every match? No. But her record, PRESENTED BY COUNSELOR GRAVES HIMSELF, indicates every likelihood that she’d be fierce competition for Big Money Oswald, and the fact that Oswald presents that she is partaking in a conspiracy to further her career HAS damaged her reputation and mental health as an up-and-coming XWFer!”
”Don’t let Big Money Oswald and his legal counsel, with their fancy 24-pack and $100 gift card salary, bamboozle you into supporting their faulty narratives! Find Oswald guilty! And sentence him to fighting my client in a Last Man Standing Match!”
With that, Clinton takes off his clippable suspenders and puts them back in his briefcase.
He retrieves a hat out of his briefcase and puts it on his head to tip towards Graves.
He then puts the hat back in his briefcase and retakes his seat in the lawn chair.