X-treme Wrestling Federation

"Does anybody smell burnt tacos?"






The camera fades into Scott Charlotte sitting at a booth in a Mexican restaurant in North Carolina. On the table sits margarita and a plate with half eaten chalupas. Scott is wearing a black v neck shirt and blue jeans. He has placed a napkin around his neck to protect him from any food dropping on him, but we that deep of a V his chest can still be seen. He is looking into the camera with a putrid look on his face. He sniffs around the table checking for the source of the smell.




"There is nothing more that I hate than a burnt taco. Burnt Mexican food in general isn't very good. So, if I don't enjoy burnt Mexican why would I enjoy a burnt Mexican in the ring. It appears that Hunter Payne has had a little accidente concerning some pyro. At least that is what my sources tell which are the dirt sheets who's sources may or may not be a smarky asshole sitting in his room jacking off to pictures of Frodo smackin'' that Crimson Dong."





He points at the camera hoping to make eye contact with the fans that do that. They know who they are.




"It's like I come back, have one high profile match and then I get put back on the shit list. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Shane was the one writing up said list, but at this point maybe I'm beating a dead horse. You all get how I feel about the man by now. I'm even going to help the Administrator chop 's bloody head off. At least Archie Lawson knows how to make a match. I get to take on John Austin and Marshall Cage the latter of the two I only assume is the birth child of our One True God, Nicholas Cage."






He closes his eyes and looks up to the ceiling. Scott puts his hands together as if he was praying which is exactly what he is doing.







"Praise be to Cage and all that is glorious. May we repent for our sins against the One True God. May we send bees to harm those who oppose Cage, may they be punched by bears, may they have their faces switched with Travolta's. In Cage we trust, the National Treasure of our hearts and the National Treasure 2 of our minds."






He makes a cross on his chest and looks back into the camera with his hazel eyes open. He smiles over the wonderful moment he just shared with us.






"A little religious freedom goes a long way in the world. Just because of that prayer I've gotten Nolan to hire Cage as the new Batman as well as Wonderwoman. That's gonna be one hell of an action flick."






Scott dazes off for a moment daydreaming of the greatest movie never made. The camera man snaps his fingers at Scott who shakes his head with a disgruntled sigh over coming back to reality.







"Look, things for me seem to be alright in the grand scheme of things. No longer am I trying to sell my own merch in a high school gym. After a while parents run out of money and the kids just don't care. That's where MILFs come in and I cum out."






He pauses allowing those at home to laugh at his joke. He makes eye contact with the cameraman who remains stone-faced throughout. Scott isn't pleased with the reaction, but he covers his tracks with the audience at home just in case some asshole didn't laugh....like Phil the camera guy who's about to lose his job.







"For the record, that was an intentional sex joke. Consider your fancy tickled."








Phil groans behind the camera.








"Scott! Your match?"







Scott glares at Phil with an angry look. Can't a guy just have some fun? Not when you work for these people.






"Oh, that's right. Hunter Payne. I always get so distracted with these little promos. You'd think by now I'd have some sort of story to tell, but every week it's another one of those Scott Charlotte rambles about shit and pretends his opponent doesn't exist. Then I mention the promo itself. Very meta. So happy. Much good.




I just haven't found Hunter Payne to be an appealing guy. I mean he was all about that Straight Edge bullshit which I can only assume comes from a horrible college experience. You get wasted on tequila, your amigos tie you down to the bed post and have a donkey perform oral sex on you. It's like a reverse donkey show. Basically, Hunter, I'm saying your life is a reverse donkey show. The pay is good, but nobody wants to see a donkey blow a guy. Can a donkey even do that? The answer is kind of!"






Scott hopes Phil will grant him one chuckle, but he isn't having it. Scott turns his attention to Phil and address him with his next statement.






"I get that I may not seem as serious as Mystery was. He seemed darker than me, but that was just a show everyone. I put it on to make the surprise ever so sweet, but I will admit the things I said as Mystery are true. Everything about the Black Circle and the state of the championship belts here is true. Hell, it's all still true! At least Steve is trying to recover what is left of the X-treme championship after Peter dumped his load all over it."




"Not this shit again. Everyone else already does that, Scott! Be original!"







"Must. Resist. Urge. To. Get. On. Fuck. Peter. Gilmour. Hype. Train."







Scott starts shaking a bit as if he is having a small seizure. He begins to hyperventelate and then he goes into a coughing fit. Scott stands up and shakes his head swiftly. He starts to get crazier and crazier until.....the moment of relief. His body convulses wildly for a quick moment and he sits down. He adjusts his napkin.






"Urge resisted. Moving on!"






Phil is now a lot more scared of Scott than he realized before. This guy really is a psychopath. A loud gulp can be heard off camera signifying the fact that Phil might treat Scott a little differently.







"The King of the XWF crown just seems to be a trinket to me. It has this prestige because we say it has the prestige, but nothing else about it seems important. Sure, John Madison was the first and beat a shit ton of guys for it, then Theo beat him after he held it for so long. The lineage just doesn't seem to be there and for a place that's been here for over a decade what is the point of starting a new timeline? The Universal Championship was already established. When I was a rookie it was the biggest thing in the business. When it was worn you looked like a champ and you sure as hell acted like one. This crown makes me want to set up everyone on a board and play chess until Theo is put into check mate. Don't get me wrong, I want to beat Theo considering it is our World Title equivalent, but you can bet your ass that when I do win it the King of the XWF will no longer be a thing. First night, I'm gonna walk in with a huge belt around my waste that I made from the crown. This isn't Game of Thrones, even if we have the proper people to parody each character."






"Your so right, Scott. You're the best. You'd be Jon Snow because your amazing."






Scott shoots a look of bewilderment towards Phil who is putting on as much cheese as an obese mickey mouse. He looks back to the camera an ignores the idiocy because Phil missed his chance to laugh. Dumbass.







"Saturday is a day I am looking forward to more than anything. It's become such a big thing that Monday should just have come and gone without a care. Hunter is just cannon fodder, that's all he is. So, maybe that's what management wants me to do. Bust up some little guys then head in back for the hunt."







Scott goes back to eating his chalupa. He savors the next bite as if it's his last. He closes his eyes and lets the peppers overtake his sinuses. The moment is broken when he looks at Phil once more who is now staring at him. Scott swallows his food and stares at Phil in a very awkward moment of silence.





"I feel as if you're waiting for me to say something else, but it's not gonna happen. I have nothing left to say. Hunter Payne sucks, I'm awesome, Down with . Yup, that's about it. Boots to Faces. See you Monday Night."






He flicks his hand up in a motion to signal to Phil he should leave. This is his happiest moment, because now Phil can get away from Scott. He turns and runs out the door with the camera. He goes too fast hits a waiter knocking plates down and busting his camera. Right before the camera shuts off we hear Scott one more time.



"By the mustache of of Cage in Kick Ass, what have you done to my churros!"




End