X-treme Wrestling Federation

The Incan Empire. A large, although short lived empire located in South America. This is known to all, but what was not so known was that the Inca were far from the illiterate, greedy jagoffs that history makes them out to be. Do you really think they managed to keep an empire together for a century using only knots and shit to keep track of things? No man, these motherfuckers were advanced as fuck and just wanted to make things look like they were a bunch of idiots.

Why?

Because the Incas weren't human. They were hyper advanced alien mofos who came to earth to chill. They built an empire and fucked the humans they conquered. This shocking new proof has been found by one brave soul. Well, four brave souls stuck in one tiny body. You know what I mean.

Jessie Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. Cue round of applause from our studio audience.

Now, with all of this exposition out of the way, let's send you back into this tale.

Night was rapidly approaching when Jessica and Llama the Llama finally arrived at the small village outside Cuzco, the reported capital of the Incan Empire, but was truly only a front for the Hyper Advanced Alien Mofos' (HAAM for short) rule. No, they wouldn't dare be that obvious. Llama the Llama's legs began to wobble, weakened from the trek that had taken the better part of the day. Confused by her ride/companion's abrupt halt, she dismounts the animal, looking around for any signs of life in the town square, to no avail.

"Meow!" Llama the Llama yelped, pointing its head at the ground inches in front of him. Tilting her head to the side, Jessica approaches him and strokes his fur. Llama the Llama repeats his feline-esque noise, still pointing to a certain spot on the ground with his nose. Dismissing it as nothing, she departs from the animal, walking toward the hut that they had stopped in front of him. With each step she takes further from him, Llama the Llama's cries increase in volume and desperation, which she ignores.

She knocks on the flimsy door, only to have it fall into the house upon impact. Sighing, she steps over the fallen door and barges into the home completely uninvited. The first room she steps into is wide, spacious, and empty. Completely empty. Not a single item lined the walls, nor the floors, and the lack of any furniture of any kind made the room feel like the main deck of a warehouse more than anything that fit in anything residential.

"Hello?" she asks to no one, hoping for a response from something. Anything. No such luck. The vast, empty room sucked the sound in and offered none in response, sans echoes of the same questioning greeting bouncing off the walls. Hello...Hello...Hello...Hello. The room was mocking her at this point. Shaking her head, trying to force the sound out of her ears, she walks back out of the house, nearly tripping over the door in the process. Llama the Llama continues to cry out, meowing like a mofo (but not a Hyper Advanced Alien Mofo) and ramming his nose into the spot at this point.

Finally, she walks over to him, to where he's pointing to, and as her foot steps on the exact blade of grass that he was pointing at, the ground at the very center of Town Square begins to spread apart. A large, golden staircase appears beneath the earth, leading downward.

"Woof! Meow meow! Neigh whinny!" Llama the Llama exclaims, frantically shaking its head before taking off down the golden stairs, closely followed by Jessica.

***

Upon making it down the large staircase, they walk into the first chamber of the Underground Commune of the Hyper Advanced Alien Mofos (UCHAAM for short). Yet another spacious albeit empty reservoir of disappointment. The gold floors and diamond walls weren't enough to make the desolation anywhere near acceptable. Llama the Llama however, decides to venture further into the UCHAAM, continuing straightforward until finally reaching a set of large, solid gold doubles doors, encrusted with gems and jewels of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Jessica approaches the door and knocks lightly, hoping not to have a repeat of the last door she encountered. Immediately, a harsh whisper emanates from behind the door.

"What is the greatest riddle of them all?"

"Women liking Shake Weights, but not giving handjobs," Llama the Llama says, and immediately the door opens without so much as a hesitation. Jessica turns to her trusty steed thing, who simply looks back at her with a facial expression that screams "deal with it," only more llama like.

The two walk into the Governmental Chamber of the UCHAAM, Jessica astonished at the level of architecture for an underground commune. Silently gaping at the scenery, she appears oblivious to the dead human virgin that these HAAMs sacrificed to almighty lord of the cock. That is, until she steps on the mushy discarded remains of the woman's body. Squish! She picks her foot up slowly, letting the blood drip from from shoe before dropping it onto the floor that isn't occupied by dead religious broad. Placing her foot back on solid ground, she wipes the remaining blood and entrails on the ground before continuing further.

"Ah, yes. I too was wondering how we were going to deal with this ongoing Spanish problem myself," a distinguished, though very much inhuman voice off in the distance said, accompanied with the tapping of bony fingers against the arms of an office chair of sorts. Shocked by the voice, she nevertheless continues onward into the large hall until finally, she comes across it.

A panel, consisting of 5 HAAMs seated in a semi circle of office chairs. Pipes hanging out of their mouths, monocles on their eyes (both eyes, cuz that's how these Fancy Hyper Advanced Alien Mofos, FHAAMs for short, roll). They turn from their current discussion to face Llama the Llama and the intruder into their private meeting.

"Llama, we were not aware that you were bringing a visitor into our inner most sanctum," the same voice, coming from the one in the middle, says to the guide.

"Man, yeah I did! Y'all motherfuckers ain't listen to shit! I hate this fucking family!" Llama the Llama shoots back, very much frustrated at his employers for failing to pay him attention. Again. Oh, yes. This was a common occurrence in the life of Llama the Llama. No one listens to him, because he's a llama. Fucking species-ists. One of the HAAMs, the one furthest to the left, nearest Llama the Llama, attempts to stroke his fur, only to be met with an angry bite at the air.

"Man, if I wanted you to pet me, I'd ask that shit!"

"Can someone please explain to me, what's going on here?" Jessica interjects, jaw still hanging open from the shock of this encounter. The HAAM at the center ascends from his seat and walks ever so closer to her. He flashes his unnerving, unsettling serpent like grin, almost causing her to cringe.

"Now now, what's the rush? Surely, you must have some questions for us, you poor little lost human." Condescending as his tone and wording may be, this was a very valid point. This was a whole new world for the visitor, one she wouldn't be able to just chalk up to a simple hallucination from her awkward cross between Dissociative Identity Disorder and Schizophrenia (Oh, you thought she only had one of those disorders? You're mistaken). She should have a few questions regarding this, but the only one she can manage to stammer out is the most basic of them all:

"Where, where am I?" However, it is worth noting that her voice had a distinct change in tone. No longer was did she speak with a condescending arrogance, now it appeared to sound more down to earth. More frightened, but still curious in nature.

"Ah, you see you poor thing, you've managed to stumble into the beautiful, beautiful halls of the UCHAAM. It is a pleasure to meet you: my name is Uchendor Jeskolerium. HAAM of HAAMs. What is yours?"

"J-Jessie Diaz."

"You don't look like the others, Jessie."

"That's because she ain't one of them other fucks! That's why I brought her here!"

"Is, is that Llama talking?" Again, another very valid question.

"Yes, but don't mind him."

"Yeah, not like anyone else minds me! I hate this family!"

"Uh, this is going to be a long conversation, isn't it?"

"Likely." Astute observation, Jessie. Way to go. Oh shit, why am I snarking at you? Um, someone do something so I can say what you did, please!

The HAAM of HAAMs steps closer still, placing his reptilian hand down on Jessie's shoulder. Crouching down as to be at eye level, he asks the question the HAAMs have been waiting for this whole time. Straight up. No bullshitting.

"Are you Spanish, Miss Diaz?"

"Um, yes, I guess."

"That's what I thought, guards!"

Just then, two armed HAAM guards storm into the room from behind the panel, Hyper Advanced Alien Laser Rifles (HAALRs for short) raised and aimed at our unlucky hero. She instantly raises her hands in the air, and proceeds to wave them like she don't care and one of the guards walks up behind her and jabs her in the back of the head with the butt of his HAALR. She drops to the solid gold floor like a sack of split personalities, unconscious before hitting the ground. The HAAM of HAAMs nods, and the two carry the body out of the room, to the prison level subbasement.

"Thank you, Llama the Llama. You are dismissed."

However, Llama the Llama was already gone, leaving behind a note that read:

"Man, I don't even know how I'm writing this right now, but I'll tell you what. This shit is fucked, yo. Ain't nobody listening to me or nothing, it's just 'Llama the Llama do this' 'No Llama the Llama, you can't nibble on the dead virgin's entrails, that's disgusting!' Fuck you guys! I'm running away and starting a Llama army to fuck all your shit up! Just you watch me!"

"Ugh, that's the third time this week," the HAAM of HAAMs says aloud to no one.

"Told you we should've gotten an alpaca."