03-02-2017, 11:58 AM
"Lost Daughters" p.2 of 2
::In my dreams I can revisit, I can pretend...I can rejoice.
I can spend time in my happiest moments as if nothing malevolent had ever happened.
I can remember Holly, glorious and glowing, still pregnant with our daughter, watching the marvels of the universe as the miniscule foot of an unborn angel presses outward to appear on the surface of Holly's skin.
I can relive the hours of our daughter's birth. See her for the first time as she enters into our world, demolishing everything I thought I'd known and been prepared for...teaching me that miracles exist and the true notions of life were simply a mystery until now.
I can love again...watching the life I helped create look upon my face and smile for the first time.
I can laugh again...Christ almighty I can fucking laugh again, truly, sincerely, recalling an adorable toddler take her first steps and drop to her diapered behind.
I can relish the all too temporary moments that flash before my eyes of actually providing for my little love and her mother as daddy is supposed to do. I can see her blowing out candles for her third birthday.
I can feel my lips press against her innocent little head...feel her warmth as I embrace her...
And as always...I can reenter my nightmares of a tragedy passed that relentlessly sticks with me...
I can see her suffering and homeless...I can involuntarily imagine my heart as it burns to a cinder within a blazing inferno...and I can wish to never open my eyes again::
-Thursday March 2, 2017, 8 AM pst-
I'd awoken from a less than peaceful slumber plagued by a plethora of montaged memories centering around my at one time reason for living in sweet little Amethyst Caedus.
I find myself still very able to see these memories despite my waking...in fact...I can't stop them...
Instead of fighting back, I allow them to overwhelm my mind's eye...and I'm horrified to feel the heat of tears streaming down my cheeks for the first time in ages, the floodgates of despair smashing wide open.
I, Jim Caedus...am crying.
A boiling anger builds within me...
"Ahhhhhhhhh! _AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
I rise from the bed seething with the very hatred I've claimed could kill God himself, saliva dripping in strands from my lower lips as I roar, enraged.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
I rip the television from the wall and fling it through the hotel room window glass with a CRASH!! I pick up the mini fridge, ripping it's cord from the outlet in doing so, and smash it to the floor. I overturn the heavy length of dresser and I unleash my fury with fists into the wall, bloodying my knuckles as they smash holes.
I drop to my knees slowly...sobbing...my arms now hanging slack at my sides in powerlessness...
After minutes of pain...I recall who it was that led me to this revival of tears in eyes that haven't been capable of in so long.
Muddy. Waters.
The tears cease to flow...my weakness melts away...and murderous intent radiates within me.
My eyes lose the light...they die and I zombie up...
Muddy. Waters. You...are a dead man.
TBC
::In my dreams I can revisit, I can pretend...I can rejoice.
I can spend time in my happiest moments as if nothing malevolent had ever happened.
I can remember Holly, glorious and glowing, still pregnant with our daughter, watching the marvels of the universe as the miniscule foot of an unborn angel presses outward to appear on the surface of Holly's skin.
I can relive the hours of our daughter's birth. See her for the first time as she enters into our world, demolishing everything I thought I'd known and been prepared for...teaching me that miracles exist and the true notions of life were simply a mystery until now.
I can love again...watching the life I helped create look upon my face and smile for the first time.
I can laugh again...Christ almighty I can fucking laugh again, truly, sincerely, recalling an adorable toddler take her first steps and drop to her diapered behind.
I can relish the all too temporary moments that flash before my eyes of actually providing for my little love and her mother as daddy is supposed to do. I can see her blowing out candles for her third birthday.
I can feel my lips press against her innocent little head...feel her warmth as I embrace her...
And as always...I can reenter my nightmares of a tragedy passed that relentlessly sticks with me...
I can see her suffering and homeless...I can involuntarily imagine my heart as it burns to a cinder within a blazing inferno...and I can wish to never open my eyes again::
-Thursday March 2, 2017, 8 AM pst-
I'd awoken from a less than peaceful slumber plagued by a plethora of montaged memories centering around my at one time reason for living in sweet little Amethyst Caedus.
I find myself still very able to see these memories despite my waking...in fact...I can't stop them...
Instead of fighting back, I allow them to overwhelm my mind's eye...and I'm horrified to feel the heat of tears streaming down my cheeks for the first time in ages, the floodgates of despair smashing wide open.
I, Jim Caedus...am crying.
A boiling anger builds within me...
"Ahhhhhhhhh! _AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
I rise from the bed seething with the very hatred I've claimed could kill God himself, saliva dripping in strands from my lower lips as I roar, enraged.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
I rip the television from the wall and fling it through the hotel room window glass with a CRASH!! I pick up the mini fridge, ripping it's cord from the outlet in doing so, and smash it to the floor. I overturn the heavy length of dresser and I unleash my fury with fists into the wall, bloodying my knuckles as they smash holes.
I drop to my knees slowly...sobbing...my arms now hanging slack at my sides in powerlessness...
After minutes of pain...I recall who it was that led me to this revival of tears in eyes that haven't been capable of in so long.
Muddy. Waters.
The tears cease to flow...my weakness melts away...and murderous intent radiates within me.
My eyes lose the light...they die and I zombie up...
Muddy. Waters. You...are a dead man.
TBC