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Vincent Lane

04-11-2015, 11:31 AM


The scene opens up to a morning show news set where Avril Lavigne is performing with her band. After killing it on the stage, Avril is met by the microphone by host and general goof Bob Herzog.

“Wow, welcome back to Good Morning Cincinnati, everyone! And what a great performance by pop superstar Avril Lavgine! Avril, thanks so much for joining us this morning!”

“Thanks for having me here, Bob… is it true you have Loverboy on today, too?”

“Hey, don’t spoil the surprise, now, Avril! Here in Cincinnati we try to keep our viewers guessing! Like, are we Ohio? Or are we Kentucky? NO ONE KNOWS FOR SURE!”

“Okay, but seriously… is Loverboy here? He really gets my motor running.”

“Avril, I know for a fact you’ve been happily married to Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger since 2013…”

“Yeah, so what? Who gives a shit about Nickelback when there’s a megastar in the building? I want him to say ‘Hello Kitty’ to me.”

“Wow! What an exclusive! Avril Lavigne is willing to bang our next guest… let’s just go ahead and get him out here right now, okay everyone?”

The hard hitting intro to Twisted Sister’s “I Wanna Rock!” kicks out through the studio speakers, sending Avril into a tizzy of fangirling and headbanging.

As the song continues, from backstage emerges the current HART and Federweight Champion, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane, bedecked in tight vinyl pants, a rhinestone bedazzled denim jacket, aviator shades and leather fingerless gloves, like usual. The two gold belts are nestled on either shoulder as he holds his hand over his head and walks out onto the stage to thunderous applause from the studio audience, the female cohosts, and of course, Avril Lavigne.

“Holy crap, man! This show is awesome, dude, what’s up!”

Loverboy extends his hands up for Bob to give a high ten to, but pulls them away too soon, making the host whiff the attempt.

Avril ignores the handshake offer from the megastar, opting instead to move in for a deep hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Damn girl! You’ve got a tight grip!”

“That’s the not the only way I can grab onto you, Loverboy!”

The crowd ‘oooooo’s’ in response to Avril’s obvious suggestion, and Loverboy pulls his shades down his nose a little, looking over the rims at the pretty Canadian rocker.

“Holy shit, baby! You are coming on STRONG! I must have picked the right cologne this morning huh?”

“Well, you smell like a winner to me.”

“Babydoll, I AM a winner. Look at these gold belts. Look at this body. Look at the way my weave is starting to grow in. I win at everything I do. That’s one of the reasons I came here today, man, to talk about my NEXT win – Monday on Madness from RIGHT HERE in Cincinnati, Ohio!”

The crowd pops huge for the cheap heat, and Loverboy flashes his trademarked grin at both the audience and the still-fawning Avril Lavigne.

“So it IS Ohio!”

“See sugar, you’re not the only hot chick who thinks I’m a tasty morsel… I’ve got my main squeeze right backstage as we speak. I think she was trying to get that Nickelback douche to stop asking for a selfie with her. In fact, I might end up having to put him in his place… dude’s no rock star, man. Just another wannabe.”

“Compared to you? I definitely agree. But I have a secret… I don’t like your girlfriend. I think you need a new one.”

“Roxy? You’re crazy, dude. Roxy’s the hottest chick alive, and she’s awesome, too.”

“She’s like so whatever. You can do so much better.”

Loverboy twitches and then grabs at his tight hip pocket, pulling out his cell phone. He looks at the screen and then laughs, showing it to Avril.

“Roxy says you’re welcome to come backstage and outdo her at making me get my rocks off, man. You up for the challenge?”

“Loverboy, I think we should talk about the reasons you’re here before you and Avril go off and make babies together. Tell us about the show!”

“Well Bobby, dude, it’s simple. The XWF is the new greatest show on Earth, man, and I’m the biggest reason why. You don’t know what you’re going to see when I’m in the ring, man. I backflip off the top of cages. I set dudes on fire. I’m wild, dude… and this week is no different. Three cages, one on top of the other, three falls, one champion and then across from him… one LOSER.”

“You sound pretty confident! Who’s your opponent?”

“The new, brooding, goth wannabe, Mastermind. Dude used to be cool, man. We were friends. I can respect a man trying to make himself better, man, I really can. I can even see the smarts in changing certain things up in an effort to improve yourself, you know? But dude, Mastermind is just trying to act like one of the cool kids at the party now… he’s all ‘scary’ and ‘evil’ and shit… but really he’s just some tired old man trying to reach for a prize he isn’t good enough to win. Trust me, this HART Championship is no joke, dude, it takes more than a dye job and a henna tattoo of a pentagram to win this thing. It takes skill, desire, ability…. And HART.”

“Nobody’s got more heart than the Loverboy…”

Avril purrs as she presses herself up to the megastar, running her hand over the faceplate of the title belt, then dropping it down to Loverboy’s rock-hard abs.

“Damn right, sweet cheeks. And no Robert Smith-style Mastermind can come close to the amount of heart and desire I’ve got, especially when it comes to these championships and these fans all over the world!”

The crowd pops again as Loverboy claps and points out to the sea of faces throughout the studio audience. Avril’s hand starts to drift a little lower, but Loverboy stops it and shakes his finger at her.

“Not ‘til we get backstage, pumpkin. That’s not the kind of show I like to put on!”

Bob Herzog walks over to another area of the stage, where a boy in a wheelchair is pushed out onto the stage by another young kid. The one in the wheelchair is wearing a Loverboy headband and is holding a notepad for autographs, whereas the kid pushing the wheelchair is wearing a Mastermind tee shirt.

“Loverboy, Avril, please help me over here so I can introduce you to our very lucky Special Olympian visitors who came up here just to meet the two of you today! Brian and Kevin, come on out!”

Loverboy and Avril make their way to the kids, where Avril drops down and hugs them both, signing the autographs and such for them. Loverboy drapes the Federweight belt over the shoulder of Brian in his wheelchair.

“Hey there little dude, you a Loverboy fan? You want to grow up and be a trash talk champion like me, dude?”

“Heck yeah!”

“Why don’t you let me hear a little bit right now, man? Look into that camera and tell my opponent what’s gonna happen to him inside the three-tiered cage on Monday night?”

Loverboy turns the kid’s chair and faces him toward the hard camera, then gives him a countdown.

“Three… two… one… GO!”

“WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, DUDE! THIS WEEK ON MADNESS, MAN, LOVERBOY VINNIE LANE IS GONNA TAKE THIS SHINY FEDERWEIGHT TITLE BELT, TURN IT SIDEWAYS, AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!!!”

Loverboy laughs and claps his hands, tousling the kid’s hair as he signs his autograph for him and pats him on the back. He then turns to the other kid, Kenny, and looks him up and down.

“And you must be in the Special Olympics too, right dude? What kind of are you exactly?”

The kid seems kind of embarrassed.

“I’m... I’m not in them. I’m not a , I just help my little brother get around since he’s got little cripple legs.”

“You sure dude? You look like kind of a out here with that piece of crap shirt on. Don’t you want to wear the shirt of a winner? Don’t be on the losing team this Monday, man.”

Loverboy pulls out a rolled-up “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane shirt, then tosses it at the kid behind the wheelchair and grins.

“Take that piece of crap off of your body, dude. Just having it on lowers your testosterone levels and begins the irreversible process of man-boob growth, dude. You don’t want that, right?”

“N-n-no!”

“Damn right you don’t. No dude should have titties. I mean, look at Mastermind himself, man. He’s got a B-cup. You want a B-cup?”

“No!”

“Then take that shit off, dude!”

Kenny whips off the shirt and tosses it away, almost hitting Avril, who looks disgusted as the cheap shirt flies past her onto the stage floor. As Kenny slides into the Loverboy shirt, the crowd roars in approval.

“There you go, dude! Now you look like a REAL champion! And after Monday night, you won’t have to explain to your friends why you were rooting for a loser! You dropped the zero and got with the hero! Too sweet to be sour, dude!”

“Heck yeah! You’re awesome!”

“I know!”

Loverboy gives both kids high fives and more autographs, taking a bunch of sefies with them and Avril. After a few more moments of fun, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback storms onto the stage looking pissed off.

“You. Loverboy, or whatever… I’m through with standing in line! I saw the pics you and Roxy were forwarding to each other of my wife! Avril, why would you send him those? Those were ours!”

“I wanted them to see me naked, Chad, jesus… what’s the big deal?”

“What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal?!!? Look at this photograph!”

Kroeger sticks his cell in Avril’s face, making her take a step back in intimidation. On the screen is a naked Avril with her hand wrapped around a tiny penis.

“It’s not my fault you have a little one!”

Chad Kroeger then lifts his hand as if to smack the diminutive punk princess, but right away Loverboy grabs him by the wrist and spins him around, stepping up to him and glaring at him face to face.

“Looks like you and Miss Lavigne are all done here, dude… jealousy smells like shit on you.”

“No way, Loverboy… I’m never gonna be alone!”

Chad Kroeger then takes a limp-wristed swing at the rock n’ roll megastar, who easily sidesteps and quickly grabs him, twisting him around and lifting him up… for a BLACK LABEL DRIVER right in the middle of the newsroom stage!

Avril squeals in arousal as her husband slumps onto the ground, unconscious. Then she leaps into the arms of Loverboy.

“Dude, Bob, sorry about the mess. I think the world is a better place without this douchebag running around in it, though. Thanks for having me on though, man, and make sure you tune in on Monday night to watch me completely dismantle the new and unimproved Mastermind in the king of the cage battle for the HART Championship!”

Loverboy then looks at the petite girl in his arms with her legs wrapped around his waist and smiles, giving her a kiss on the nose. He’s so adorable sometimes.

“Baby girl, are you ready to backstage and party with me and my Roxy for a little while? We’ve got some time before we go on and make a better radio spot than Mastermind could ever dream of. You down for some Cock Roulette?”

“Oh yeah, definitely! What the hell!”

Loverboy sets the pretty Canadian back onto her feet, and then Loverboy and Avril Lavigne both hop over the bleeding, broken body of Chad Kroeger and run off backstage to have a perfectly normal blowjob competition with Roxy Cotton.

When you’re in Cincinnati, you have to find interesting things to do on your own, you know?

The scene fades out.
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