06-02-2014, 12:54 AM
It's been hours since we last saw the devil's favorite demon, Gilmour Classic. Last time we saw him, he had actually undergone a dramatic transformation into the new, leaner demon known as Gilmour Present. Excited by Gilly's fast and furious approach to getting in shape, John Cena rushed to his hotel room that afternoon to break the news to Vince McMahon over Skype video conference. Little did he know, Vince had some news of his own.
John Cena: VINCE! VINCE! Are you there?! I gotta talk to you!
Vince McMahon: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? I just had some crazy asshole walk into my office and try to tell me how to run my business! Then his ugly, fat wife put her hands on my Stephanie! Claimed to be Peter Gilmour even though he weighed much less than the Peter Gilmour who walked into my office a couple of days ago. Do you know anything about this, John?
John Cena: I... I know nothing of this. Swear...
All of a sudden, the new and improved Gilmour Classic comes walking out of the bathroom and into the camera shot. Only, he's Gilmour Present, the same form of Gilmour who walked into Vince McMahon's office and raise hell earlier.
Vince McMahon: That's him! That's the son of a bitch who insulted my family!
John Cena: Vince, I promise you that Gilmour was with me the entire day. There's no way that he went up to Stamford.
Vince McMahon: That's not Gilmour, you idiot! That's an impostor Gilmour who was in my office earlier today! I don't know how he got from Dallas to Stamford so quickly but he did! And he tried to say that he was Peter Gilmour! MY Peter Gilmour! I knew he was crazy though because then he started talking to me about WRASSLIN' and Jinder Mahal. How dare he enter my office and try to talk to me about WRASSLIN' and Jinder Mahal? We are sports-entertainers, damn it! I want you to kill that son of a bitch!
John Cena: Vince, I swear that this isn't the same guy that you talked to-
Vince McMahon: KILL HIM OR YOU'RE FIRRRRRRED!
John Cena: I'm sorry, Vince. You're right, this guy tricked me into believing that he was Peter Gilmour too. I'll take care of this.
John Cena turns off the web cam. He then cracks his knuckles and turns to face Gilmour Present.
Gilmour Present: Oh come on! You know I'm innocent!
John Cena: Relax... I got a plan.
But we digress. It's now 3:00 AM in Dallas, Texas, and we're inside of Gilmour Present's hotel room. Gilmour Present is at his desk eating fried chicken pieces by the handfuls as he tries to revert to his former self. Behind him is a tower of empty KFC buckets.
Gilmour Present: Must... get... my... fat... back!
Apparently John Cena's solution to this situation with Vince is to have GC put the weight that he lost back on. Where the hell Cena is right now, we don't know. But careful, Gilly, you don't want to die from overeating! Why isn't John Cena supervising this right now? You know you can't leave Peter alone with food!
Gilmour Present: It's... too much...
Eating an enormous amount of food just isn't working as GP and John Cena had hoped it would. Speaking of Cena, we just heard a knock at the door. That must be him returning from wherever he's been all night. GP wobbles across the room to let John inside.
John Cena: The champ is back!
Gilmour Present: John... I can't take another bite, man. It's too much.
John Cena: No problem, Peter. I came up with a solution while I was out and about searching for answers! But thank you for never giving up.
John Cena goes back into the hallway and picks something up...
Oh my God, it's FATBACK CLASSIC! And he's all tied up!
John Cena: I went back to that dumpster where you puked out all your fat, and found that it had turned into this guy. He's your fat, Gilmour. This is how we get Vince off our asses.
Gilmour Present: Okay, so how is this going to turn me back into Gilmour Classic?
John Cena: It's fairly simple. You just need to let him get up in you, and everything will go back to normal. We'll show Vince that you are the same ol' GC that he saw a couple days back, and we'll tell him that we killed the impostor that was running around pretending to be you.
Gilmour Present: I don't know, man. I kind of like my body, look at how sexy it is.
John Cena: Gilmour, this is your career on the line here. You need to take your fat back or else Vince is going to think that you were the asshole who went into his office and talked mad shit about his PG era. Vince doesn't like it when you criticize the PG era!
Fatback Classic: Mmmmph mmmph! mmmmph! Let me go!
John Cena: SHUT UP BITCH!
Right then, John Cena takes off his wrist bands and punches Fatback Classic across the face. Holy shit, John. Keep this PG in case some of the WWE fans are watching!
Gilmour Present: Alright. How does this work then? How do I "get him up in me?"
John Cena hands Gilmour Present a gallon container of lube.
John Cena: Come on, bro. You know how this has to happen. Don't make me say it.
Gilmour Present: Shit... Fine.
John Cena: Keep your head up. Do this and I promise I'll get you out of NXT before the end of 2016.
Gilmour Present takes the walk of shame to the bathroom while tugging Fatback Classic behind him. He closes the door behind him and goes to work. We begin to hear some muffled screams coming from Fatback Classic, and some grunts from Gilmour Present.
Gilmour Present: Let me get you up in me!
Fatback Classic: Get off of me! Please!
Suddenly, EXPLOSIONS go off from inside the bathroom! Holy shit, just like the kind of explosions we'll probably see in that Exploding Hell in a Cell match on Monday. Smoke comes through the bottom of the door as everything goes silent.
Minutes pass...
John Cena waits anxiously.
Until finally...
He's back!
John Cena: Thank you, Jesus! We're back in business.
Gilmour Classic: Yeah...
John Cena: And once this all blows over, you can get rid of your fat just like last time!
Gilmour Classic: Look, John, I've had a long night. I'm very sore from all of this. I'm gonna go to bed and rest now.
With that, we leave Gilmour Classic to rest.
John Cena: VINCE! VINCE! Are you there?! I gotta talk to you!
Vince McMahon: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT? I just had some crazy asshole walk into my office and try to tell me how to run my business! Then his ugly, fat wife put her hands on my Stephanie! Claimed to be Peter Gilmour even though he weighed much less than the Peter Gilmour who walked into my office a couple of days ago. Do you know anything about this, John?
John Cena: I... I know nothing of this. Swear...
All of a sudden, the new and improved Gilmour Classic comes walking out of the bathroom and into the camera shot. Only, he's Gilmour Present, the same form of Gilmour who walked into Vince McMahon's office and raise hell earlier.
Vince McMahon: That's him! That's the son of a bitch who insulted my family!
John Cena: Vince, I promise you that Gilmour was with me the entire day. There's no way that he went up to Stamford.
Vince McMahon: That's not Gilmour, you idiot! That's an impostor Gilmour who was in my office earlier today! I don't know how he got from Dallas to Stamford so quickly but he did! And he tried to say that he was Peter Gilmour! MY Peter Gilmour! I knew he was crazy though because then he started talking to me about WRASSLIN' and Jinder Mahal. How dare he enter my office and try to talk to me about WRASSLIN' and Jinder Mahal? We are sports-entertainers, damn it! I want you to kill that son of a bitch!
John Cena: Vince, I swear that this isn't the same guy that you talked to-
Vince McMahon: KILL HIM OR YOU'RE FIRRRRRRED!
John Cena: I'm sorry, Vince. You're right, this guy tricked me into believing that he was Peter Gilmour too. I'll take care of this.
John Cena turns off the web cam. He then cracks his knuckles and turns to face Gilmour Present.
Gilmour Present: Oh come on! You know I'm innocent!
John Cena: Relax... I got a plan.
But we digress. It's now 3:00 AM in Dallas, Texas, and we're inside of Gilmour Present's hotel room. Gilmour Present is at his desk eating fried chicken pieces by the handfuls as he tries to revert to his former self. Behind him is a tower of empty KFC buckets.
Gilmour Present: Must... get... my... fat... back!
Apparently John Cena's solution to this situation with Vince is to have GC put the weight that he lost back on. Where the hell Cena is right now, we don't know. But careful, Gilly, you don't want to die from overeating! Why isn't John Cena supervising this right now? You know you can't leave Peter alone with food!
Gilmour Present: It's... too much...
Eating an enormous amount of food just isn't working as GP and John Cena had hoped it would. Speaking of Cena, we just heard a knock at the door. That must be him returning from wherever he's been all night. GP wobbles across the room to let John inside.
John Cena: The champ is back!
Gilmour Present: John... I can't take another bite, man. It's too much.
John Cena: No problem, Peter. I came up with a solution while I was out and about searching for answers! But thank you for never giving up.
John Cena goes back into the hallway and picks something up...
Oh my God, it's FATBACK CLASSIC! And he's all tied up!
Quote: |
![[Image: 1Kt1gLD.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/1Kt1gLD.jpg)
John Cena: I went back to that dumpster where you puked out all your fat, and found that it had turned into this guy. He's your fat, Gilmour. This is how we get Vince off our asses.
Gilmour Present: Okay, so how is this going to turn me back into Gilmour Classic?
John Cena: It's fairly simple. You just need to let him get up in you, and everything will go back to normal. We'll show Vince that you are the same ol' GC that he saw a couple days back, and we'll tell him that we killed the impostor that was running around pretending to be you.
Gilmour Present: I don't know, man. I kind of like my body, look at how sexy it is.
John Cena: Gilmour, this is your career on the line here. You need to take your fat back or else Vince is going to think that you were the asshole who went into his office and talked mad shit about his PG era. Vince doesn't like it when you criticize the PG era!
Fatback Classic: Mmmmph mmmph! mmmmph! Let me go!
John Cena: SHUT UP BITCH!
Right then, John Cena takes off his wrist bands and punches Fatback Classic across the face. Holy shit, John. Keep this PG in case some of the WWE fans are watching!
Gilmour Present: Alright. How does this work then? How do I "get him up in me?"
John Cena hands Gilmour Present a gallon container of lube.
John Cena: Come on, bro. You know how this has to happen. Don't make me say it.
Gilmour Present: Shit... Fine.
John Cena: Keep your head up. Do this and I promise I'll get you out of NXT before the end of 2016.
Gilmour Present takes the walk of shame to the bathroom while tugging Fatback Classic behind him. He closes the door behind him and goes to work. We begin to hear some muffled screams coming from Fatback Classic, and some grunts from Gilmour Present.
Gilmour Present: Let me get you up in me!
Fatback Classic: Get off of me! Please!
Suddenly, EXPLOSIONS go off from inside the bathroom! Holy shit, just like the kind of explosions we'll probably see in that Exploding Hell in a Cell match on Monday. Smoke comes through the bottom of the door as everything goes silent.
Minutes pass...
John Cena waits anxiously.
Until finally...
Quote: |
He's back!
John Cena: Thank you, Jesus! We're back in business.
Gilmour Classic: Yeah...
John Cena: And once this all blows over, you can get rid of your fat just like last time!
Gilmour Classic: Look, John, I've had a long night. I'm very sore from all of this. I'm gonna go to bed and rest now.
With that, we leave Gilmour Classic to rest.