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Tri Bute · (01-24-2014)

Dear Readers,

I’m sure by now you all have watched John Austin’s next pile of shit. ‘Satan’ and all that.

Yes, it appears that John Austin read my future mailbag the same way he reads future comics. He still pronounces my future name wrong. He still cuts himself. He still believes this spirit, even though it claims to be the one Zeusrion killed thousands of years ago. He still doesn’t know what ‘biographical’ means. I just hope Marcus, and the others that sent in questions, read it and took the advice and answers I gave them, because apparently I wasn’t clear enough or Austin is just that dense.

I don’t know why Austin has even bothered to respond to that. I’m guessing he doesn’t know that the purpose of it was to connect with my audience. I wasn’t writing directly to him. I was writing to Marcus. I really hope he didn’t hang himself over his Autism. I said all that to make sure he didn’t delay the invention of propeller shoes. I don’t want Marcus to mess his life up. I wasn’t trying to get under Austin’s skin and I’m not going to bother. However, if I have to type something about Austin’s mediocre guitar playing in order to sensibly reply to a letter, I’m not going hold it back.

I want the Tri Bute of this timeline to have the best possible propeller shoes he can have. If that means I have to point out the bullshit in every John Austin promo there is, I’ll do it.

Marcus, don’t hang yourself; you were born with Autism and you’ve lasted twenty years with it. Keep pushing for your invention. You’ll make it work as long as you put in the time. Don’t let Austin’s promos sell you on our match. It’s going to be a one-sided bore that isn’t worth watching. Go to Charlotte’s, meet Seraphina, and be happy. Don’t go to Toronto.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

PS: John Austin, I know you’re skimming this and ignoring most of it, this will be the only time I will type to you directly. This is all you get.

Suicide is not ‘taking your ball and going home’ it is much more complicated than that. Here’s something you probably didn’t know about Egyptian Snow Pharaoh. She knew that she was the weak link. She knew that she wasn’t doing her part as well as my replacement can do it, so she selflessly drown John Madison with her blood. She was a real team player. The only way you can twist that into her ‘leaving us to dry’ is in the literal sense. It took weeks to get her blood out of my future trunks. She left us because I ordered her to give her life for the team. Jessie will do the same when I don't need her anymore. Zeusrion ate her spirit, just like he ate Satan's.

I know you can’t see the future, Austin, and I know you are just pretending to make deals with spirits. I may be living here with you in the past, but that doesn’t mean my future body is the same as yours. My future hairline will not recede in your lifetime. I am over eight thousand future years old and I still look younger than you. I’ve spent more future time with a future championship around my future waist than I have without. I was twenty future years old the first time I became future king. I’ve sent millions of future criminals to future death just for future breaking simple future rules. You’re lucky you didn’t see the injustices that I had to future see. It would have driven you to a new type of madness that your empty skull hasn’t experienced. I’ve seen real future scum, John Austin. Your cute ‘soulless man’ routine doesn’t make you a threat to me. You destroying your property does not intimidate me. Your ‘massacres’ only led to the success of others. Austin, I don’t need to mock you, and I don’t need to make fun of you. Your attempts to get a rise out of me have done that for me. Your comments have just made it clearer that you aren’t half the future man I am. You should quit before you waste any more breath. If your influence has caused the creator of propeller shoes to delay his work you won’t only have me to deal with; you’ll have to worry about the Tri Bute from this timeline as well.

PSPS: Since you requested one, I'll humor you. Your mother’s so dead I thought your career was buried with her.

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