Can I get some honest FB on this: http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=8979&pid=39954#pid39954

I liked it dude. In fact, you are one of the better rookies here lately.. you should see one of mine from back in august, they were horrendous. But you will do just fine. I will enjoy reading your work. xD

Not really typical feedback..it really didn't help, but I just thought you should know that it was good. lol

OMG, this right here alone did it in for me

Quote:Nancy, baby, I’m going to need you to calm down. Bring the attitude down from here, to here.He uses hand gestures to signalize what he means.

Amazing RP man, loved it.

Overall, I liked it. However, there were a couple of things I found that I feel you could improve on. One of which is some advice I need to follow more often as well here, lol. That being the need for proofreading and shit. There were a couple of small errors like "bits" instead of "bites" and a few instances where there wasn't a space between dialogue and the next word.

The other one is that some of the actions are awkwardly placed. For example the line: "Nancy, baby, I’m going to need you to calm down. Bring the attitude down from here, to here.He uses hand gestures to signalize what he means." in my eyes could be rewritten like this:

"Nancy baby, I'm going to need you to calm down. Bring the attitude from here," he says as he brings his hand up to the top of his head. "Down to here," he finishes, bringing his hand down to the meth dusted desktop. - Or something to that effect. It would help the story flow better in my opinion.

All in all though, I dug this piece, man. Keep it up.